To the Steadfast (10 page)

Violet lines her
eyes with
a heavy black shadow and
puckers her lips at the mirror. It’s sort of her signature style. Makeup and a
loud mouth. She digs through my cosmetic bag and pulls out some purple
lipstick.

“Have you spoken to
your dad lately?” she asks.

I’m getting dressed
behind her, so I can’t pretend not to have heard. I pull up my dress. “Not
since he walked out, but he keeps sending me gifts.” I hold out my wrist to
show off a diamond bracelet. “How about you?”

“I see my dad behind a
barbwire fence once a week,” she says, not at all embarrassed about the
situation. He’s not getting out anytime soon, and Violet has accepted it. Her
reasoning is, if he really cared about her and her brother, he wouldn’t have
done anything to get put in jail over in the first place.

“At least you get
that,” I mumble.

“God, you’re so whiny.
Your dad isn’t in jail. You can go see him whenever you want. You just need to
quit your bellyaching and visit.”

I don’t say anything,
but continue to fix the belt around my waist. She doesn’t understand the
relationship between my parents and me. She assumes they’re easier to forgive.

We’re on our way out to
some sort of party Harrison has invited us to. The same guy she’s been hooking
up with over the past few weeks. She almost never pulls a double so this is an
interesting thing.

“What eyeshadow should
I wear?” She turns and holds out two pallets. Blue and green.

“Blue would look better
with your eyes.” I don’t even know if it will look better. It doesn’t matter,
she always looks great.

“Thanks, I’ll go with
the green then.” She sticks her tongue out at me.

I turn the music up
louder. There’s no one here to make me turn it down. Nothing could wake my
mother from her self-induced, self-medicated sleep.

Violet looks at her
cell phone and then at me. “I forgot. Mischa called while you were in the
shower. He wants you to call him.”

My heart begins racing,
my palms get clammy. I don’t answer for a second, trying not to seem
overexcited. “Really? Why?”

“I dunno. He probably
wants something.”

“Oh?”

“I’m gonna ask this one
last time. What’s going on with you guys?”

I shrug and sit down on
the bed as she finishes her makeup. “We’re just friends.”

“I get the feeling
you’re both lying to me. Something happened.”

“Nothing happened. I’ve
hardly spoken to him over the past few weeks.”

She shrugs. “He’s had
his hands tied up anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t tell anyone I
told you…but he’s kind of taken over Dad’s clients.”

“He’s dealing drugs?” I
whisper before covering my mouth.

She lowers her eyes
before continuing. “You’d think they’d stay away from us, the police watch the
house like crazy, but they all need a fix. As long as I get my wake n bake. I
don’t care what Mischa does.”

Idiot. Stupid,
annoying, but beautiful idiot.

I pull up my phone and
dial Mischa’s house number. He needs a cell phone. It would be a lot easier to
get ahold of him.

“Cody?”

“Hey.” I’m not sure
what else to say. I can’t just blurt out, why didn’t you call? Why are you
selling drugs? I settle on “How have you been?”

“Fine.” I want to ask
where the hell he’s been, but I’m too afraid of the answer. I don’t want to seem
too needy.

“Cody, I have a big
favor, and I understand if you say no but this is a matter of life and death.”

Now I’m worried. “Sure,
is everything okay?”

“No, I mean yes. Could
you… get some more of your mom’s pills for me?”

I choke on something
imaginary, trying to catch my bearings. Did he really just ask me to be his
supplier? “Um…I don’t know. Why?”

“I can’t tell you, but
it’s important.”

“I need answers,” I say
with a firm tone. “I need more from you.” I’m talking about more than just this
conversation, but he doesn’t know that.

“Fine. My dad lost a
lot of the drugs during the bust and he owes a lot of people money. They’ve
gone to the next best thing to get the money, me. I’ve come up with half, but
an opportunity has arisen, and I need pills. If I get them tonight, I’ll have most
of the debt paid off. ”

“Can’t you tell
someone?” I ask. “Can’t you call the police?”

“No, they’ve threatened
Violet and Mom. I can’t let anything happen to them. Please don’t tell her. I
don’t want her to worry about this. I only have a few more days, and minimum
wage at the gas station isn’t enough to cover it.”

I want to protect him.
He’s so much more than the sum of his father’s problems.

After a few moments of
careful deliberation, I decide to do it. “Fine, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, thank you.
You’re a lifesaver. ”

I hang up and turn to
see Violet glaring at me. She smacks her lips together to even out her lip
gloss and cocks her head to the side.

“He’s not gonna change
for you. You do know that, right?”

“I know exactly what
I’m doing.” I stand up and walk past her toward my mom’s room. She follows
behind me and raises her voice a little bit.

“Really? Because the
lovey dovey look on your face is really making me sick.”

I spin around to face
her. “I told you nothing is going on. I’m just having fun. I’m not falling in
love.”

“That’s what you say,
but all Mischa knows how to do is break hearts. He’s like my father in that
way. When he breaks your heart where will that leave us? I need you, Cody.
You’re my best friend.”

“Nothing is changing. I’m
sick of talking about this. Let’s go.” I throw my hands in the air.

I scavenge through a
few bottles of pills on my mom’s nightstand. I’m not sure exactly what they
are, but I stuff them in my purse. I’m sure there’s enough here to get Mischa
what he needs. I’ll deal with the consequences later.

“When did you start
taking pills?”

I don’t have the heart
to tell her it’s for her brother, and he’s doing it to save her ass. “Since it
numbed me. You should try it sometime.”

“Tried it and don’t
care for it. I’ll stick with the tequila.”

I push past her and
walk down the stairs. “Tequila makes you horny.”

“So?” She gives me a
mysterious grin.

The party is in a
remote part of town at a small house thrown by friends of friends of friends. I
don’t know if it’s a high school party or a college party. It seems to be an
even mixture of both. Harrison had only gotten us invited an hour ago. The
place is packed with kids standing around drinking and talking. Nothing too
wild.

“Violet!”

Violet waves at
Harrison and runs off without saying goodbye. Being alone at a strange party
where I don’t know anyone. Fun. I find a quiet spot and pull a few pills out of
the bottle. Some people call liquor, liquid courage. I’m certain pills are like
mine. I take a few and begin looking for Mischa.

A few people from class
wave. I recognize one of the guys as a friend of Mischa’s. He’s from a good
family, but has almost as bad a reputation as Mischa. He’s one of those guys
who can get away with anything because of who his father is. Why Mischa is
friends with him is beyond me. I walk up to him and his face lights up and
travels down my body. I flip my hair over my shoulder and lean into him hoping
to get him to tell me where his friend is.

“Hey, Ethan, right?”

“It’s Elliot.”

“That’s what I said,
Elliot. Is Mischa here?”

He puts his hands on my
hips and pulls me in a little too close for comfort. Mischa is the only one
whose hands belong on my body

“Over there,” he says,
pointing to the stairs. “Not sure he’s waiting for you if you catch my drift.
Come have a drink with me.”

“Maybe later.” I push
away from him. Everything is spinning, but I somehow manage to climb the stairs
sluggishly so I don’t fall. With each step, my legs feel like they’re going to
give out.

At the top, I scan for
Mischa. When I finally find him, he’s standing with his arms around some girl.
She’s dressed in a tight skirt with her red hair piled high on her head. She’s
gorgeous, but I’ve never seen her before.

I stand there and watch
as his hand snakes around her back before settling on her butt. He’s
practically humping her in front of everyone. It’s sickening. Bile threatens to
reveal itself at the back of my throat. What happened to
me
? Wanting to
take
me
out? His eyes lift to mine and something flashes. Guilt at
getting caught, but there’s no real emotion attached to it. He’s not actually
sorry. It’s like he wanted to get caught.

“Cody? Hey, you found
me. Let’s go in the other room.”

The girl doesn’t even
acknowledge me. Instead, she gives one last rub up against Mischa as if to
claim her territory. He grabs me by the arm and drags me into one of the empty
rooms where it’s quieter.

“Did you get it?”

“Yeah,” I say shortly.
“I got it, but I don’t know if I want to give it to you.”

He raises an eyebrow.
“Seriously?”

“Forget it. Let’s hurry
up so you can get back to your girlfriend out there.”

He gives me a smile,
the corner of one side lifting. “Is that what this is about? She’s no one. You
know how I feel about you.”

“No, I don’t.” I try to
put on a brave face, but it still hurts inside.

He sets his hand on my
shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “You’re Cody Lombardi. You’re my little
sister’s best friend. You’re my friend.”

Friend. He just friend
zoned me. We both know he won’t leave me be. He’ll keep trying to pull strings
and say sweet nothings until he gets his way. Giving up, I pull the bottles
from my bag.

“I don’t know what they
are, but I hope they help.”

He leans in and kisses
me on the cheek. Everything melts away, and I remember how sweet he can be at
times. “You know I appreciate you so much.”

“I know.” I can’t say
much else. Is he using me? Treating me like shit? Of course, but I’m still
here.

He laughs when he reads
the labels on the bottles and holds up the smallest one. “This one is for
heartburn.”

He holds up a blue
bottle. “This one is good, very good stuff. Painkillers.”

“Oh, I took a few of
those a few minutes ago,” I say. I’m not moving, but I somehow lose my balance
and stumble against him.

Mischa steadies me. His
jaw tightens as he looks me over. “God, look at your pupils. You can barely
stand straight. How many?”

“I don’t know. A few.”

“This is important. How
many did you take? These are powerful painkillers. You could overdose on these
things.”

“Now you care?”

“I’ve always cared
about you.” He tries to stroke my hair, but I shrivel away.

“Don’t. You slept with
me and disappeared. Maybe it was my fault for believing you could care about
someone. Maybe it was my fault for believing you could care about
me
.”

He turns away and runs
his hands over his face in exasperation.

“Ugh, Cody. Don’t do
this. Don’t make this into something it’s not. I can’t be the guy you want. I
can’t be Mr. Wonderful and go to college and buy you nice things. I have no
future.”

“I don’t want Mr.
Wonderful. I want you.”

I want him to say it
back, but he doesn’t. He walks from the room and returns back to Miss
Humpy-hump. I divert my eyes from them, but it’s useless. I’m drawn to them. I
can’t look away. Mischa watches me. He doesn’t care how much it hurts me to see
him all over another girl. True, I shouldn’t be so upset. Everyone warned me,
but I thought things would be different. I thought Mischa might fall in love
with me, but I was so wrong. I find Elliot where I left him and grab him by the
back of the head.