Together With You (31 page)

Love was real.

And God was love. Ryan had read those words somewhere in his mother's Bible, and they were real to him now because of his love for Carly, his sons, and for Penny, with all her imperfections.
Ryan hated himself for her FASD, hated how he had hurt people he loved, but with his life shattered, he knew that love was powerful, forgiving, and full of grace. Like the water eroding Anacapa Island, love changed his heart of stone to a heart of tender flesh.

Love.
Ryan couldn't get his arms around a lot of things in the Bible, but this one word burned in him, leveled him. Still on his knees, he stared at the horizon.

“I give up,” he said to God and the man named Jesus. “I don't understand, and I'm full of doubt and anger. But you're all I have left. Protect my daughter. Bring her home.”

Even as Ryan prayed those words, he knew a hard truth. If God was God now, He'd be God no matter what happened to Penny. Ryan wasn't making a deal with the Almighty or asking for a sign. He was waving the white flag of surrender with both hands. The war was over.

Drained of all emotion, he lumbered to his feet. He didn't hear a voice. There was no thunder. The ocean kept up its steady pounding. Absolutely nothing was different in his surroundings or in his mind.

But he started to cry.

He never cried.

But wet, sloppy tears leaked from his eyes. Utterly overwhelmed, he embraced the silence—and the peace—that settled over him. Then he heard it. The whimper of a child. He ran full speed toward the jetty. And from the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Carly climbing out of the van.

P
enny woke up hungry and cold, took in the walls of a big round pipe, and let out a frightened squeak. She had crawled in here an hour ago, maybe longer, because the pipe reminded her of her tent at home and she felt safe. But now the pipe was cold and wet. The waves were too loud, and her legs and bottom were so cold she couldn't feel them.

She wanted to go home to Carly, Daddy, and her brothers, but she was lost and confused. With tears stinging her eyes, she hugged Miss Rabbit, but the rabbit couldn't talk without Carly. Lance was in her backpack, but he couldn't talk to her, either. Penny pressed her hands together the way Carly said, but she couldn't stop the scared feelings from spinning in her tummy. They went faster and faster until they came out in a scream.

She was scared . . . so scared . . . scared of the loud water, of being lost, of never seeing Carly again, because she was just the nanny and nannies left.

“Penny!”

Her daddy's big voice! Penny longed to shout back, but she couldn't stop kicking and screaming. He called her again, louder
than before. Her ears heard him, but her mind wouldn't let her crawl forward. All she could do was clutch Miss Rabbit to her chest, kick her feet, and scream at the top of her lungs.

A shadow blocked the entrance to the pipe, then she saw Daddy's legs. “I found her!” he shouted to someone.

He crouched down, and she saw his face. It was all red and puffy like hers.

“Penny! Thank you, God.”

He dropped to his hands and knees and crawled to her like a big dog or maybe a lion. Only instead of growling like Lance, he said her name over and over. Finally, he hauled her into his lap and held her so tight that all the cold vanished from her body. She hugged him just as hard, because he was having a meltdown, and Penny knew how that felt. They sat close and warm until he took a big breath. “Let's go see Carly.”

Penny arched back so she could see his eyes. “She's here?”

“You bet.”

“But Aunt DeeDee said Carly was leaving.” Penny sniffed hard. “I want her to stay forever.”

“So do I,” Daddy said.

He gave Penny another big squeeze, then put Miss Rabbit in her backpack, hung it on his shoulder, and scooted with her to the opening in the big pipe. The light made her squint, but she saw Carly's legs pacing back and forth.

“Denise!” Carly shouted. “We found her. That's right . . . the beach. She's fine. Call my dad and Kyle. Yes. We'll wait for you here.”

Penny pushed away from her daddy and crawled faster. With her heart so full it hurt, she scrambled out of the pipe and into the light. Carly swooped her into her arms and spun her around so fast Penny thought she would fly to heaven.

Her daddy came up next to them. Carly stopped spinning, and he put his arms around them both. Everyone stayed quiet, even
Penny. But then she remembered what Aunt DeeDee said about nannies leaving, and she knotted her fingers in Carly's shirt. If she held tight enough, maybe Carly would stay.

Penny leaned back so she could see Carly's face. Her daddy made room but kept his hand on her side. With her heart beating fast, she opened her mouth to ask Carly to be her mommy, but then Daddy waved his arm.

“We're down here!” he shouted.

Carly set Penny down but held on to her hand. Aunt DeeDee ran so fast her feet kicked up sand. Behind her, Penny saw Kyle, Eric, and a man with white hair. She didn't know who he was, but he looked like a grandpa.

Aunt DeeDee slid to her knees and hugged Penny hard. Kyle called her Squirrel, and Eric promised to play “Shark” whenever she wanted. The grandpa-man watched with a big smile on his face, and Daddy and Carly kept hugging each other.

It was time for Penny to ask her very important question. Scared but hopeful, because Dr. God lived in the clouds and loved her, she walked over to Carly, looked up, and used her very best voice. “Will you be my new mommy?”

Carly blinked fast, then turned to Daddy. He looked at Carly a long time, so long that Penny wondered what was wrong. Maybe they needed Miss Rabbit and Lance to talk, or maybe Carly was leaving like Aunt DeeDee said.

Daddy knelt down and touched her arm. “Carly and I are going to talk about that.”

“I want her to stay!” Penny wailed.

“We all do,” Kyle said.

Carly crouched next to Daddy. When she spoke, the words came out slow. “Penny, listen. Your daddy and I need to have some grown-up time.”

Penny's lips trembled. She wanted to understand what was happening, but there were too many people and too many words.

Carly took both of her hands. “It's going to be okay.”

“But—but—”

“It will,” Carly said. “Wait for us at Aunt DeeDee's house.”

Penny clung to her, but then Carly kissed her cheek. “I won't leave you, Penny. I promise.”

Promises confused Penny, because sometimes people broke them by accident, but then a gull caught her attention, and she watched it fly to the parking lot. Her daddy's old car was there, and she remembered how she used to think it could take her to her first mommy. It couldn't, but it could take her home with Daddy and Carly.

“All right,” she said to Carly and Daddy. “I'll go with Aunt DeeDee, but come and get me. Okay?”

“We will,” he promised.

“And hurry,” she added with a sweep of her arm that included everyone. “I want to be together with you!”

Carly watched Penny leave with Denise. Ryan extended his arm with his palm up. “Let's take a walk. I want to show you something.”

She clasped his fingers, and they headed toward the spot where she'd spotted him on his hands and knees. Gulls squawked as they walked, and the roar and slosh of the incoming tide echoed in her ears. After several silent yards, he stopped on an apron of sand wiped clean by a wave. He looked around to orient himself, then drew an X with the toe of his shoe. “This is it.”

Carly didn't understand. “I saw you when I parked the van. I figured you were trying to pull yourself together.”

“I was, but it was more than that.”

“What happened?”

He shook his head, then shoved his hands in his pockets. “I can't explain it. You could say I hit bottom, or that I reached the end of
my rope. You could call it a breakdown or a meltdown. Whatever it was, it—” He shook his head for the second time.

Carly waited for him to say more, but he sealed his lips. His Adam's apple bobbed with a hard swallow, then he blew out a gust of air. “I'm making a mess of this.”

“It's all right. I know about meltdowns.”

“From Penny.”

“And my own.” She thought of last night's pecan pie. She'd cried while baking it. “My dad helped me to see something. What you told me on the island—”

“Carly, I'm so sorry.” A bleakness dulled his blue eyes to murky gray. “I've been an utter fool, a complete idiot. I had no right to say any of the things I said to you.”

But you said you loved me.
You asked me to marry you.
Her stomach clenched into a painful knot, but she arranged a composed expression on her face. She needed to put Ryan in God's hands alone, and though it hurt, she'd do just that. In a paradoxical way, his criticism had given her the strength to let him go, and he deserved to know it.

“You were right about me going through the motions, at least in some ways. I held on to the guilt over Allison out of a kind of fear. I see that now.”

“If I helped you, I'm glad.”

“You did.”

“Good.” He glanced at the ocean, then faced her again. “Criticizing your faith was the first thing I needed to take back. There's something else, and it's going to change everything between us.”

Back straight and chin high, she braced herself to hear him say marriage would be a mistake, and she had to move out of the house because it was impossible to be just friends. She would always be close to Penny, but if Ryan didn't want to marry her, it would be an answer to her prayer asking God to guide them, though it wasn't the answer she wanted.

He lifted her hand in his. “I don't want to do things your way or my way. I want to do them God's way. And I want our way to be His way.”

Her free hand flew to her chest, and her mouth fell open. “Are you saying what I think you're saying?”

His eyes twinkled in a chagrined sort of way. “Yes, I am. But I'm doing a lousy job of it.”

“No!” she protested. “Tell me everything!”

Looking down, he pointed to the X in the sand with his foot. “This is where it happened. I hit my knees and prayed—not that God would lead us to Penny, but that I'd understand that thing you call faith. He must have heard, because I-I'm not the same. I can't describe it. It's just . . . just . . .” He shook his head. “I'm stammering like a fool.”

“And you never stammer,” she said gently. “I understand completely what you're saying.”

“Good, because I don't.”

“You will.”

“I hope so, but considering I've been a Christian for”—he glanced at his watch—“exactly thirty-two minutes, I have no idea what God's way is. I love you, Carly. I want to marry you, but I also want to be the husband you deserve. Can you put up with a long engagement?”

She caught her breath. Her heart pounded against her ribs, and all she could think was that Ryan had found his way home, and he loved her and wanted to marry her.

“Six months,” he said. “Maybe a year. You can plan the wedding of your dreams. We'll shop for rings and go on dates. Dinners. Movies. Even more baseball games. I want to romance you, Carly Jo.”

His irises were as steely as ever, but they were no longer cold. The color matched the ocean depths, and so did her love for this man who had wrestled with God and found a faith of his own. She flung her arms around his neck. “Yes,” she cried. “I'll wait for you.”

He kissed her then, and she savored every tingle and special feeling. The kiss took her to a beautiful, exotic place—an island paradise fit for a honeymoon. Breathless, she stepped back. “I have to move out of your house.”

Ryan's eyes smoldered into hers. “It's that, or we elope tonight. And I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Probably not,” she said in her most sultry voice. “But it's tempting.”

He tunneled his hands through her hair, then tilted her face up to his. “Do you remember when I said this kind of attraction was just nature?”

She nodded.

“This isn't just nature, Carly. It's love. Your father asked me if I was willing to die for you, and I am. But even more important, I'm willing to live for God, you, Penny, the boys, and the children I hope we have together.”

Carly melted into a puddle.
Ryan. Her husband. Her lover, protector, and friend.
And she'd be the same kind of partner to him. With the sun burning away the fog, and the clouds parting to reveal the true-blue sky, she swayed into his arms, tilted her face up to his, and closed her eyes. He nibbled her ear, caressed her cheek, until at last his lips found hers in a kiss that was nature at its best, special and forever, and not the least bit complicated.

O
NE
Y
EAR
L
ATER

S
tanding in front of the wedding guests with Kyle and Eric at his side and Paul behind him in a minister's robe, Ryan peered down the beach to a white tent festooned with yellow roses, daisies, and a slew of dahlias. For months he had listened to Carly prattle about flowers and guests, catering and colors, but the one thing she never mentioned was her dress.

He didn't think too much about it until now. The tent shielded Carly and her bridesmaids from his eyes, but in a few minutes, the violinist would strike the first lilting notes of Pachelbel's “Canon in D,” and his bride would make the long walk up the beach.

“Are you nervous?” Paul asked him.

“Not a bit.” Ryan had never been more sure of anything in his life.

“Well, I am,” Kyle muttered under his breath. “What if I drop the ring?”

Eric jabbed Kyle with his elbow. “Don't be an idiot. If you can catch a baseball, you can handle a ring.”

A proud smile tilted on Ryan's face. The three of them made
a good team now, and today his sons were impressive. Dressed in dark suits but wearing flip-flops because of the sand, with fresh haircuts and a little too much cologne, they had his back. So did Paul Mason, who was a father, mentor, and friend, all rolled into one person.

The violinist stood, raised her bow, and the first notes of Carly's favorite hymn, “Be Thou My Vision,” filled the balmy air. Standing tall, Ryan stared at the entrance to the tent. The wind stirred through the flowers, someone pushed the flaps open, and Penny stepped into the bright sun.

What a year it had been. . . . Becoming a Christian, Ryan discovered, was like diving into the deep end of a swimming pool. Once a man took the plunge, he was wet all over, and there was no going back. He and Paul had smoked a lot of cigars together, both during Paul's visits to California and at Thanksgiving when Ryan, Carly, and Penny visited Boomer County. He'd met a slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins, eaten his first “hot brown,” a Kentucky specialty, and learned to say “How 'bout them Cats?” and mean it.

He glanced now at the white chairs on Carly's side of their impromptu church and saw half of Boomer County, Allison, her great-aunt, plus Carly's new friends from the local FASD community. The chairs on the other side of the aisle were filled with Ryan's colleagues, old friends, Fran, and new friends from the church he and Carly now called their own. Even Heather and her husband were here—a tribute to forgiveness, goodwill, and the friendship between Heather and Carly. That friendship, plus Ryan's genuine respect for Heather's husband, made it a lot easier to be a dad to his sons.

What had he done to be so blessed? Nothing . . . absolutely nothing.
Grace.
It was a gift from God and one he didn't deserve, yet cherished.

Penny stepped onto the white runner between the chairs, beamed a smile at Ryan, and waved to be sure he saw her. He waved back,
and Penny took her seat in the front row with Miss Hannah, the nanny who took over when Carly had moved to a gated apartment complex.

Ryan focused back on the tent. The flaps opened again, and Denise stepped onto the sand. The three of them were good friends now. Once a month they met for dinner without Penny and hashed out any difficulties, but mostly they traded stories and supported one another.

Next came Joanna, Carly's sister and matron of honor. In the absence of their mom, Joanna had been a rock in those moments of bridal insanity. Somehow she'd kept Carly and the wedding on an even keel, even when the florist ran late and Penny lost her white flip-flops for the third time. Smiling as she came down the aisle, Joanna winked at her husband and sons in the third row, then joined Denise.

The violinist played a final note. As the melody faded to silence, a hush settled over the crowd. Ryan's pulse sped up, and it raced even faster when Carly's brother, Master Sergeant Joshua Mason, in full military dress, pinned back the tent flaps, pivoted, and stood ramrod straight with his elbow crooked. And on cue the violinist played the opening notes of the Pachelbel “Canon.”

Bending slightly, with a bouquet of white roses in hand, Carly stepped out of the tent and into the light. She curled her bare fingers over her brother's elbow, he covered them with his gloved hand, and they began the long walk up the beach.

Her hair, long and loose, shimmered in the sun, and her cheeks glowed with happiness as she sought Ryan's gaze. When their eyes locked, her smile stretched even wider. She was beautiful, and she was his. But what nearly knocked him to his knees was the dress. Somehow the white silk caught the sun and shimmered into a light so bright that all Ryan could see was purity.

The purity of God's love.

The purity of his own soul washed clean.

The purity of a bride coming to her groom with the precious gift of her love and the promise to be his alone.

In a few minutes, he and Carly would take their vows. His SOS list would be complete, and their life together would begin. With his heart overflowing, he gave thanks for his bride, his family, and the unstoppable love of his own heavenly Father.