Tony Hogan Bought Me an Ice-Cream Float Before He Stole My Ma (5 page)

As I drifted off I imagined Ma in the Roxy having vodka on wobbly legs, laughing about Tony and the police and maybe meeting a nice black boyfriend, Nell's brother, who would stop Tony from coming over ever again.

I woke the next morning without clammy, itching thighs or the sheets to hide at the bottom of the washing pile, and when Sue got out of bed with a wet patch across her pyjama bottoms I turned away and pretended not to see.

I was reading the
Dandy
in the office for twenty minutes before Ma arrived, panting and explaining about the buses. She wasn't wearing any make-up and her eyes looked small, her mouth thin, wet hair combed backwards. I could tell she'd rushed.

She knelt and put her arms around me then pulled back to look at me. ‘Janie? What have they done to yer beautiful curls?'

My hair was cut in a short bob and I wore the red dungarees and yellow T-shirt that Nell had bought for me. Ma stared at me as though I might be an impostor.

‘The haircutter said he couldnae get the comb through it at all. I cried, Ma, when he cut it all off, but I like it now.' I raised my hands to the soft blunt edge of my hair and remembered the golden tumbleweed being swept across the linoleum floor; my tears at my ‘boy's haircut' and Nell stroking her fingers through it and telling me it was a new beginning and it would grow back ‘straight and shiny like a princess's'.

That day Nell bought me my dungarees, four different-coloured T-shirts, a pair of orange plimsolls and a pink brush with sparkles in the handle. In the evening, while we all watched our cartoon, she showed me how to separate my hair into two halves and brush it until it was soft as ‘kitten's fur'.

Ma raised my chin with her finger and stared at me, looking for the two weeks of change she'd missed. ‘Did anyone hurt yeh, Janie? Did yeh miss me?'

She looked angry, with her thin lips and taut, pale face. I lowered my thin lashes to cover my eyes. ‘No, did anyone hurt you, Ma?'

Sarah stepped from behind her desk. ‘I assure you Janie came to no harm, Iris. It's one of the best homes we have. She's been happy, in fact . . . but . . . of course she's missed you very much.'

Ma hugged me to her chest, her collarbone jabbing my cheek. ‘Yeh know I never wanted yeh to go? An' it won't happen again. I'm yer ma.'

I nodded, staring at my orange plimsolls, upset that I'd scuffed them already when I wanted to keep them nice, new and bright.

‘I missed yeh, Ma.'

Nell had told me that Ma would want to know that.

Once we were outside Ma reached for my hand.

‘Are we goin' back tae Monarch Avenue?'

‘Aye, of course we are. It's home. An we've a big surprise fer yeh.'

I stopped walking, waited for her to bend down to my level, head inclined to show she was listening. Instead I saw a lick of impatience; harassed and wide-eyed she tried to keep calm and hold back her tears. I thought maybe I'd let her down.

‘Will Tony be there? At the house?'

Her face softened and the tears spilled quietly over and down her cheeks. She crouched to look me in the eye.

‘No, Janie. Yeh'll never have tae see that man again an' that's my promise. It'll just be the two of us from now on.'

I put my arms around her neck and slid a small kiss along her salty cheek.

We caught the little minibus, the A13, and Ma fired questions at me in an empty, cheery way about the kids, food, the grown-ups, what I did in the daytimes.

‘I played Connect 4, it's a game, an' combed my hair in the mornings and at bedtime, an' I didn't need tae pee ever in the night, not once!'

I sat on her flat knee and told her about the black woman who talked just like us and how she'd taught me to comb my hair. Ma's eyes drifted down and then up, her mouth drooped; it was the same face she pulled when Tony surprised her with a slap.

After that I decided to keep Nell a secret, I wouldn't tell Ma that that morning I'd cried on Nell's soft lap because I didn't want to go, fingering her green beads while she told the top of my head that I'd be happy with my ma, that I was lucky to be going home and I should tell my ma I'd missed her.

‘Look, Janie, one stop till home an' yer surprise!' Ma's mouth pulled at a smile that wouldn't spread to the rest of her face. Her hair was starting to dry, making curls at strange angles.

I saw the shine of smashed bottles, the scribble of graffiti on a boarded-up window. Yes, we were nearly home.

*

I tried to pull breath into my tight chest as we walked through the door. I hadn't been away for more than two weeks but already the house felt like a stranger.

I saw for the first time the roughness; the maroon carpet nailed down at the edges, the stained wall where Tony once threw a bottle of whisky and the scorch mark by the kitchen where one of Frankie's pals fell asleep with a lit fag. Our home, made for passing through.

In the living room there were balloons on the floor, the long thin kind that hurt your chest to blow up if you don't give them a good stretch and, over the window frame, a shiny sign saying ‘Welcome Home!' stuck up with four grey nuggets of chewing gum. The table had cake, crisps and a bottle of cola on it. On the sofa, Frankie, Denise and Jodie sat in a row. Meathead was in the armchair, his hand stretched across the divide to stroke Jodie's leg. They held mugs of cola and wore limp smiles.

‘Surprise!' Ma shouted; it rang around the corners of the quiet room. ‘I'll put on some music.'

Frankie opened his arms. ‘Come here, kid.'

I ran to him and he hoisted me onto his knee. Jodie beamed at him and Meathead pulled away his hand tutting. Denise brushed her plump fingers through my hair. Blondie, ‘Hangin on the Telephone', burst through the room.

Ma sat on the floor between Jodie's legs and Jodie reached down and gave her shoulders a little squeeze. Frankie looked me over.

‘You OK, kid?'

I nodded, let my eyes stray to the yellow-and-pink Battenberg cake.

‘Yeh'll no' see that man here ever again, right? Yeh believe yer Uncle Frankie?'

‘Aye, Ma said. I like Blondie, Uncle Frankie, I'm a blondie too, see?'

Frankie looked at the carpet. ‘I just wish I'd known and could've fixed it sooner. Cause yer Uncle Frankie can fix anything, alright, Janie? Remember that.'

His words tore through the air, full of sting and as unwelcome as glass splinters. Even I knew that everyone knew. It was written all over Ma's face, you just had to look under the ton of warpaint plastered over the truth.

Denise shifted. ‘Shall we all have a wee bit o' cake?' Her soft voice wavered. ‘Yeh all know I can't see cake sitting there an' not eat it. An' the hell with calories; I'm starting the Slimfast Plan the day after tomorrow anyway.'

Jodie got up, maybe so we wouldn't have to watch Denise shifting herself from the low seat, and cut thick slices of the Battenberg for everyone. She gave Ma her piece first, and I saw she was crying again.

‘I've made such a fuckin' mess of everything.' Ma poked at her slice of cake.

Jodie gave out the rest of the Battenberg and sat on the carpet by Ma, balancing her piece on her bare knee. ‘Come on, Iris.' She spoke in a low voice, as though it would stop the rest of us, in touching distance, from hearing. ‘Cheer up fer Janie. Look at all the effort Denise went to an' we've still the presents tae do. Let's save tears fer after someone's bedtime.'

I was only half listening, engrossed in peeling off the sticky marzipan skin and pulling apart the yellow and pink squares.

‘Right, let's do presents, eh?' said Frankie, slapping his dirty denim. Everyone nodded, except Meathead who was in a sulk.

Ma went to the kitchen, dragging her feet, and came back and stood with her right arm hidden behind the door frame.

‘Now this is just a wee one . . . ta-da!'

If her voice was flat I didn't notice. She held a red see-through plastic umbrella; it went with my new dungarees. I split my face into a grin and everyone caught it on their faces too. If this was the wee one what would the next one be?

Ma bent for a moment then straightened to reveal a giant cloth clown, at least as tall as I was, with flopping long, thin legs and arms. He looked dead; his stitched face had wide, leering eyes and his gaping red mouth had teeth sewn in. His head flopped to one side; he looked like he came alive at night to eat brains. I buried my head in Frankie's chest.

‘No! Take it away! I don't like him!' I gathered steam on my tears. I wanted to play Connect 4, watch cartoons and comb my hair. I wanted Nell. ‘It's scary, I hate it.'

Ma took the clown and put it back in the kitchen. I peered round to see that the door was shut on the evil toy. She came back and stroked my hair and asked if I liked the umbrella and I nodded sullenly and snatched it from her. Ma sat back on the floor and started picking apart her own yellow and pink squares until the others dredged up some chatter about Blondie splitting and James Bruce being put inside for car fraud and at some point Jodie asked Ma, ‘Where's Janie's granny the day?'

Ma rolled her eyes, took a breath. ‘The fuckin' bingo.' They shared the tiniest of giggles before Ma saw my narrowed eyes, tucked her knees under her chin and went back to rolling her marzipan into a ball.

I inched forward on Frankie's knee and held my umbrella in front of me. It smelt of chemicals but it was shiny and had a red handle to go with the see-through plastic. I unclicked the popper on the band and watched the plastic spring open, a giant flower blossoming. I slid my hand to pop it open and Denise's own hand shot out, circling the umbrella and trapping mine.

‘No, Janie, it's very, very bad luck tae open an umbrella inside.'

Ma let out a short bark of a laugh. ‘I think we're well past that, Denise. In this house we've had our fair share. Go ahead, Janie, maybe it'll bring some good luck instead.'

Frankie laughed and Jodie joined in. Denise smiled and I pressed the button on the umbrella and watched the sad party and grubby room fill with colour as it exploded open. I spun the umbrella, watching its ruffles, and let out an excited gurgle, and soon enough we were all of us filling the dusty corners with laughter. Except for Meathead, who was still in a sulk.

*

Everyone left and Ma took me into the kitchen and made me a mug of tea with two spoons of sugar. We sat at the kitchen table, Ma on a stool and me on the little spin dryer. Ma ripped open a bag of crisps for us to share.

‘Now, Janie, do yeh remember the social workers who took yeh?'

My eyes were on the crisps.

‘Janie?'

I raised my eyes, nodded, and went back to the crisps.

‘Well, the reason you got tae come home was because I told them we'd make some changes. Get organised.'

I reached for the biggest crisp and started licking off the sweet tangy cheese-and-onion flavour making rough, rasping noises.

Ma let out a sigh and picked at one of her bloody cuticles. ‘Just eat it for Christ's sake, Janie.'

I put it in my mouth and crunched it into a paste.

‘Now the first rule yeh know, and that is that we can't see Tony any more. There's a special sort of law that'll keep him away an' if we see him, even just in the street or a shop, we've tae get away an' then get the police, alright?'

Still crunching I reached for another crisp with a big bubble on it. I nodded.

‘Fer God's sake, Janie, this is serious.' She snatched the crisps away and slammed them in a cupboard. ‘Please, Janie, try an' listen, this is important. After we're finished talking yeh can have the whole bag tae yerself, OK? Now drink some tea. Alright, so that's the first new rule. The next one is that you need tae go to nursery this summer before going tae proper school. Yer so smart, Janie, that yeh'll be fine just going for a few months an' there'll be lots of kids tae make pals with.'

I put down my mug with both hands. Ma bit her lip.

‘What will happen at nursery, Ma? Do you come too? Is it every day?'

‘It's a place where I leave yeh for the day an' you play with other kids. An' it's only three days a week an' there'll be nice ladies there tae help an' look after you.'

My heart puttered with excitement and nerves. Ma wouldn't be there. I'd be by myself and there'd be kids to play with.

‘So it's like Nell's house then?'

‘Not exactly, it's –'

‘An' will there be Connect 4? Or will I need to get a set? Could I get it, from Santa early?'

‘I'm sure they'll have one.'

‘Will there be fish fingers?'

Ma blew the steam from her tea in a short huffy breath. ‘Maybe, Janie, I don't know. Now enough questions, I've more news.'

I knitted my pale brows together and nodded along with her but really I was wondering if the other kids would recognise me standing up and without my hard mask of blue holey plastic. I wondered if Nell would comb my hair after lunchtime or maybe take me shopping for some more T-shirts.

‘Janie? Janie, did yeh listen to any of that? Stop pulling that stupid face for fuck's sake.' She slammed her mug down. ‘I said we're moving. We're moving in four days.' There were tears in her eyes. ‘I don't know why I bother.'

She went to the cupboard and threw the opened bag of crisps so they scattered across the table, and walked out. I heard the bedroom door slam. On the spin dryer I tried to think of some more things about nursery and to eat a few crisps but they hurt my throat all of a sudden and I couldn't think about Nell without my lumpy throat making them scratch more.

*

The next day, our third from last in Monarch Avenue, I got up to make Ma breakfast. She hadn't got out of bed all the night before and made me go to my room when I wanted to climb in with her. Since I'd come home it was her temper and tears I saw mostly. I thought she might be sick. How else could all the laughs, cuddles and the soft parts of a ma disappear? Now Tony was gone she was meant to be better.

I went to the kitchen and took the Flora margarine out of the fridge and dragged Ma's stool across to climb up to the cupboard for the coffee and bread. The bread was a bit hard at the edges but it softened up with an extra thick layer of marge. When I'd finished the bread was covered with fingerprints through a soft, greasy yellow sea. They looked like tiny elephant footprints so I made some more.