Too Many Curses (19 page)

"Are you following me for any specific reason?" she asked.

The suit neither nodded nor shook its helmet. He just stood there.

"If you insist on doing so, the least you could do is make yourself useful."

The Paladin raised a gauntlet to cup the non existent chin of his non existent wearer. Then he grabbed the trowel from the cart and scooped out some mucus. With the Paladin's help, the quiet she'd enjoyed was gone, but she reached her destination, the armory, that much sooner. As she threw down the last lump of flesh, a purple hunk she guessed to be a zombified cow tongue, she thanked the Paladin for his assistance.

He waved away the gratitude as if it were no trouble at all.

Gnick the gnome appeared then. "There you are, you disobedient armor. Get back in your place now. This instant!"

The Paladin made no move to obey.

"Thank you again," said Nessy. "Don't let us keep you."

The armor bent in a bow and clomped around a corner. But as soon as he was out of sight, the clamor ceased.

"Why did you let him go?" asked Gnick.

"It wasn't as if either of us could've stopped him. And he did say he had some important business to attend to."

"And you believed him?"

"I believe everyone until they give me reason not to. I
prefer discovering someone is not worthy of my trust rather than assuming no one is."

"That's not very wise."

"No, it isn't, but it's better to think the best of everyone and be wrong than assume the worst and be right."

Gnick plucked his not-so-springy beard. "Idealism like that will only get you killed."

She shrugged. "Probably."

While Nessy attended to her less interesting duties, Yazpib the Magnificent endeavored to free Melvin of the Mirrors from his prison. Margle's curse had stripped Yazpib of all his magical potential, rendering the jarred wizard incapable of the simplest spell, and so he had to draft two assistants: Sir Thedeus and a weasel named Dodger. Fortune was present as well, only to lounge upon the comfortable bed in the guest room. As a cat, though, he couldn't help but be curious about the process.

"What's that for?" he asked of the pieces of chalk Dodger was rolling back and forth across the floor.

"My guess would be drawing," she said. "That's what chalk is usually for."

"Yes, yes." Yazpib read through a scroll spread across the stone. "Hold that end down, Thedeus."

"Sir Thedeus," corrected the bat. He glanced at the strange
writing on the parchment but couldn't make much sense of it. "Are ye sure we should be doing this, lad? Shouldna we wait for Nessy?"

"The poor creature is overworked enough," said Yazpib. "We can at least lighten her load."

"In principle, I agree with ye. But if something should go amiss?"

"Are you questioning my skills?"

"Sounds like he's questioning them to me," said Dodger.

"And he does have a point," added Fortune, who flicked his icy-tipped tail. He didn't mind the change, but it was a perfect illustration of how unpredictable magic might be, especially in the incapable hands of an out-of-practice wizard.

Yazpib bubbled and spun his eyes. "This is hardly the same thing. That was a potion. I'll admit alchemy was never my strong suit. But a simple spell like this should be, well, simple."

Melvin, still wearing Tiama's form, pressed against his looking-glass prison. "Anything to get me out of here. I thought it was bad when I had the run of the castle's mirrors, but now . . ." He paced the room's reflection. "If I have to stay here, I'll go mad."

"It isn't as bad as all that," said Dodger. "I once spent three years in a cell not big enough to stand up in." She raised upright. "And I'm not talking about the body I'm wearing now. I was a lot taller then." She chewed on a piece of chalk. Even when she'd been a woman, she'd had a bad habit of nibbling on whatever was at hand. Becoming a weasel had
only made it worse. The benefit in this case was discovering she enjoyed the taste of red chalk. It was sharp, yet unassuming. The only flaw was the aftertaste. It was, not surprisingly, very chalky.

"And if you want to talk about maddening prisons," she continued, licking her lips, "I had a very unpleasant stay in the Vork Swamp Reformatory for Maladjusted Girls. Spent six months up to my neck in parasite-infected water. Got the trench foot something fierce. Except it wasn't just my foot. And then there were those two weeks in the Basalom Stockade. No cells there. Just one giant pit, and the guards had this game called 'Bludgeon the Scumbag.' It isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds."

"Dear gods, woman, sounds as if ye spent more time in prison than free."

"Hazard of the thievery profession. Goes with the job." Dodger tasted a piece of blue chalk. Finding it lacked subtlety, she went back to red. "And some prisons are quite nice. Almost a shame to escape from."

"Try not to eat all the chalk," said Yazpib. "We'll need some for the spell."

"I still think this is a bad idea," said Sir Thedeus.

Yazpib bobbed his eyes, then his brain. "Is the great Sir Thedeus afraid?"

The bat screwed up his twisted little face. "Ach, let's get on with it, ye wanker."

Yazpib glanced around. "Where's the opal? We need the opal."

"I'll check the bag." Dodger climbed into the small velvet sack and emerged empty-pawed.

"It's in her mouth." Fortune stretched, rolling onto his back.

Dodger attempted to protest but was unable to speak clearly. Drool spattered from her jaws.

"Spit it out, lass."

The small blue gem clattered against the floor. "Can't blame a thief for trying."

"Surprised ye dinna swallow it."

"I don't swallow opals. For me, it's diamonds or nothing. My father, rest his filching soul, choked on a ruby. Instilled a bit of a phobia in me."

"Fascinating," said Sir Thedeus, although he sounded anything but enthralled.

Dodger scampered deeper in the bag. "Mind you, my father swallowed things all the time. Had a small fortune in his stomach when he died. No safer place for a swindler, I suppose, but claiming the inheritance was a trifle messy. Still, he did provide for my childhood." She stuck her head out with a smile. "To this day, when I see a gutted fish, I tear up a little."

"Are we going to reminisce all afternoon?" asked Melvin. "Or can we get me out of here?"

Yazpib instructed his assistants. Dodger traced a few runes on the floor around the mirror. It took some time since her paws weren't made for it, and Yazpib had to keep correcting her work.

"I said a slash, not a line."

"Sorry."

"And that one over there should have a gentle curve, not sharp. Look at the scroll."

"I am looking at the scroll." She scratched her head. "I don't see any difference."

"Just do it as I say."

"I think I'm with the bat," said Fortune sleepily. "This is going to go badly."

"Then why are you still here?" asked Yazpib.

"Should be interesting, at least."

Sir Thedeus set the opal under the mirror and repeated the incantations Yazpib read aloud. Within a few short minutes, the blue gem glowed and the mirror shimmered.

"How long will it take to work?" said Fortune.

Melvin, who'd been leaning against the looking glass, tumbled suddenly through it. He nearly landed on Sir Thedeus and Dodger, who barely scrambled out of the way.

"See?" said Yazpib. "That wasn't very hard. And nothing bad happened."

Fortune laid down his head and closed his eyes. "Pity."

"How are ye feeling, Melvin laddie?"

"Great. I feel great. I'm out of that damned mirror. Out of all those damned mirrors." He looked to Yazpib, and instantly transformed into a duplicate of the wizard with a soft whooshing noise.

He glanced at Sir Thedeus and whooshed into a small, brown bat. "What is going on?"

"It appears that we've succeeded in taking you out of the mirror," said Yazpib, "but not the mirror out of you."

Melvin swept the guest room with his gaze, and when his eyes passed over any of the chamber's occupants, living or dead, he became an exact copy. The metamorphosis to one only lasted until his gaze rested a few seconds on another. "Not that I'm complaining," whoosh "but is there any way," whoosh "to make this stop?" Whoosh. "It's starting to unsettle my stomach."

"Try closing your eyes," suggested Dodger.

"Good idea." Melvin shut his eyes, and the transformations stopped, freezing him in Dodger's weasel form.

"I knew ye'd blunder it, ye fool wizard."

"This isn't a blunder," said Yazpib. "It's a setback. A minor one, at that."

A distant rumble shook the tall mirror. A second, louder thud followed. Then a third stomp. The room reflected in the looking glass quaked with each boom.

"Now what?" Sir Thedeus snarled. "Is this a minor setback as well?"

"It's just a jabberwock," said Yazpib. "Must've sensed the portal. All we have to do is break the spell."

"What's a jabberwock?" asked Dodger.

"Nothing really. Just a nonsense creature. More of a nuisance than anything else."

Something in the reflection screeched, and the mirror cracked.

"Repeat after me." Yazpib pronounced the simple six-syllable incantation slowly and clearly enough that a child might echo it, if the child could've heard. But it was next to impossible to hear anything but the jabberwock's piercing shrieks.

Sir Thedeus's ears were especially sensitive to the painful warble. "What was that, lad?"

"I said . . ."

Something pounded against the door in the reflection, adding deafening booms to the overpowering screeching.

"Speak up, lad!"

Melvin opened one eye, glimpsed Sir Thedeus, and became the bat's double. He shut his eyes and covered his ears. "What's happening?"

Dodger scampered into the velvet pouch, burying her head in its folds. Fortune arched his back and raised his hackles. His icy tail rained frost on the bed.

"Oh, I knew this was a bad idea!" shouted Sir Thedeus. "Ye bloody idiot!"

Yazpib shouted some equally hostile response, but it was lost to the thunder of the reflected door being broken into splinters. A great reptile squeezed through the archway. The jabberwock was a collection of mismatched parts. Its body was a huge purple ball, its neck long and thin as a bundle of straw. Two crossed eyes and a bucktoothed maw dominated its head. It had two horns. One twisted downward. The other
turned in a seventy-degree corkscrew. One foot was that of an elephant, the other a duck. One of its wings was little, yellow, and feathery. The other was giant, black, and leathery.

The beast's head turned to odd angles as it struggled to focus its one blue and one red eye. It howled. Then belched. Then honked like a goose. The jabberwock charged forward, wobbling on its ill-matched legs.

"Quickly, repeat after me—" said Yazpib.

"There's no time, lad." Sir Thedeus launched his tiny body into the mirror. It teetered over to smash upon the floor. "There."

"You idiot, that doesn't break the spell."

From one of the larger shards of glass, the jabberwock squeezed itself into the real guest room. The once-enormous beast was now only as large as a big cat.

The jabberwock inhaled, doubling in size. It belched, literally, a long, blue flame.

Dodger scampered under the bed. Sir Thedeus flew to the bedpost. Melvin opened his eyes and whooshed into Yazpib's duplicate, making flight impossible.

The dragon honked. Its cheeks inflated, and it vomited a bulk of feathers that filled the guest room floor six inches deep. The down made it sneeze first a dagger, then a book, then a bowling ball that came very close to smashing Yazpib in his jar.

Melvin whooshed into a double of the jabberwock. The original stopped cold and stumbled forward in a drunken gait.

"That a boy, lad," said Sir Thedeus. "Keep it distracted."

Melvin shut his eyes. The jabberwock sniffed him curiously.

"Well, do something before—Hey, get your nose out of there!"

The jabberwock cooed, hopping on its elephant leg.

"How do we get it back in the glass?" asked Fortune.

"We need the opal." Yazpib retreated to the bottom of his jar.

Sir Thedeus and Fortune dove beneath the sea of feathers.

"I can't find it," said Sir Thedeus.

"Find it." Melvin shuddered as the jabberwock nibbled playfully on his tail. "Quickly."

"Found it!" Fortune raised his head, clutching Dodger by the scruff of her neck.

The weasel, her cheeks bulging, smiled sheepishly.

Sir Thedeus sighed. "Give it over, lass." She spat it into his open wings.

"Now hold the opal up, spin around six times, and repeat after me," said Yazpib. "Tsaeb luof emac eeht ecnehw tpure."

"Is this supposed to really work?" said Sir Thedeus. "Or are ye just trying to make me look a fool?"

"It'll work." Yazpib smiled. "Looking like a fool is just a fringe benefit."

Reluctantly, Sir Thedeus did as instructed. The jabberwock shrieked. It flapped its wings. It whipped its tail. It spat out a live rabbit and two doorknobs as it expanded to
fill half the guest room. Everyone but Yazpib retreated under the bed. The great reptile burped once more, puked up a leafy fern, and popped almost silently, splattering skin and innards. Its internal physiology was apparently nothing more than orange pudding.

Sir Thedeus poked out his head. "I thought ye said it'd return to the mirror."

"You must've made a mistake in your pronunciation." Yazpib floated low, away from the chunks of skin atop his fluid. "In any case, the portal is sealed. Melvin is free. And we didn't have to bother Nessy one bit."

The room was filled with feathers and slime. The mirror was shattered. The nightstand had been knocked over. One of the bed's legs had been cracked, and it wobbled. There were guts all over everything and a stench of peaches and burning cheese.

"We don't have to tell her about this?" asked Yazpib. "Do we?"

Fortune found the one spot on the bed that wasn't covered with jabberwock viscera. "I'll think she'll notice."

Sir Thedeus chuckled. "Aye. She's an observant lassie. Not much slips past her."