Too Many Men (81 page)

“It must have been so awful,” Ruth said, “because by then you knew that your parents, Mum’s parents, and all your brothers and sisters were dead.”

Edek nodded. “Mum did not even know she was pregnant,” he said.

“She was eating a lot of bread, and slowly, like quite a few of the women there, she was getting a bit fat. If you been starving for six years it is not so easy to stop eating. Mum went one day to a doctor what was looking after some of the women in the camp and he did tell her she was pregnant. She was not happy, Ruthie. What mother does want to bring a baby into a barracks, that has mud and policemen and guards. I did make a promise to Rooshka that we would get out of the camp.” Edek heaved a big sigh. “It was not so easy,” he said.

“Poor Mum,” Ruth said.

“Poor Mum,” said Edek. “I was myself happy to have a child. I did think we would get out of the camp and make a life together. I did say to Rooshka, ‘Rooshka this child will be a wonderful child.’ And Mum did feel better. She did make some clothes for the baby. One of the officers did give Mum some parachute silk. And she did sit and cut out and stitch, by hand, very beautiful things for the baby.” Edek started to cry. Ruth took his hand.

“I am sorry,” he said. Ruth started to cry, too.

“It’s okay to cry, Dad,” she said.

“The doctor did arrange with Mum that a midwife would come for the birth,” Edek said. “But Mum did want the doctor himself to be with her.

He did say he would try.” Edek sniffed, and wiped his eyes with the back of T O O M A N Y M E N

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his hand. “It was lucky that the doctor did come,” he said. “As soon as the doctor did see the baby, he did see that something was wrong. The midwife could see it also. When Mum did ask what was wrong, the midwife did say the baby was not such a good color. The doctor did say the baby must go to a hospital.”

Edek stopped speaking. He turned away from Ruth. Ruth could see his shoulders heaving. He was weeping. She put her arm around him.

“Dad, you don’t have to tell me this,” she said. Edek got a handkerchief out of his pocket. He blew his nose.

“I want to tell you, Ruthie,” he said. He wiped his eyes. “Mum did scream and scream when they did take the baby away from her,” Edek said.

“Ruthie, she did scream like an animal, like a dying person, it was a terrible, terrible scream. Nobody could stop her. ‘Where is my baby?’ she did scream, in German, until they did give her something to make her go to sleep. Even the midwife was crying.”

Ruth was trembling. She didn’t want to hear any more of this story. She didn’t want to think of her mother screaming. Screaming for a baby that had been taken from her again.

“The midwife did say to me when Mum was asleep that she did think there was something wrong with the baby’s heart,” Edek said, and started weeping, again.

“You can tell me the rest of the story later,” Ruth said. “You don’t have to tell me right now, Dad.” She was freezing. Her teeth were almost knock-ing into each other. She couldn’t bear to see Edek cry like this.

“The midwife did say it was a tragedy,” Edek said. “The midwife did look at Mum and say, ‘She did bury, already, too many.’ I said to the midwife, ‘She did not bury any,’ ” Edek said. “The midwife said she did understand what I was saying.”

Ruth felt exhausted. Her legs were shaking. She tried to keep them pinned onto the floor.

“Mum was still crying when she did wake up,” Edek said. “The doctor did bring the baby back the next day. Mum was so happy. He was a beautiful little baby. The doctor did explain to me what he did think was wrong.

And I did have to explain it to Mum.”

Edek shook his head and blew his nose again. Ruth looked at him. His eyes were red. His features were in disarray. He looked broken. Heartbro-

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ken. “The doctor did explain to me,” Edek said, “that there was something wrong with the baby’s heart. He did explain to me that the job of the heart is to pump the blood through the body. The blood does carry the oxygen from the lungs to the body. He did explain to me that there is two sides to the heart. The left side and the right side. The left side is bigger and does get the blood from the lungs, which does have a lot of oxygen, and does pump it to the body. The right side is smaller and does take the blood which is coming back from the body and does pump it to the lungs. Do you understand what I am saying, Ruthie?”

“I’m following you,” she said.

“The doctor was a nice man,” Edek said. “He did explain to me that he was not sure but he did think that this baby did have a small hole between two places what are smaller pumps on the left and the right. He did say the baby would not die straightaway, but babies with this small hole did not usually live to be adults. He did say it did depend on how big was the hole. He did say this baby was not so blue, so maybe the hole was small.”

Edek put his face in his hands. “The doctor did say to me,” he said,

“that this baby should not be living in barracks. Especially as it would be soon winter. He said this baby needed to have the best doctors.” Edek stopped. “Ruthie, I did never cry so much in my life. I did cry and cry. And then I did have to tell Mum. Before I did tell Mum, the doctor did say to me that he did know about a couple who did want to adopt a child. He did say that this couple was very rich. He did say the couple was neighbors of his. They did want children for a long time. The doctor did say to go to a couple like this was the only chance for the baby.”

Edek started weeping again. Ruth felt as though every part of her body was shaking. Her brain, her heart, her fingers, her feet. She couldn’t stop shaking. “Mum did already breast-feed the baby,” Edek said. “She was so happy with him. ‘He is a beautiful baby, Edek,’ she did say to me.” Edek’s voice broke, again.

“Do you want to have a break, Dad?” Ruth said. “Would you like to go for a walk or get some fresh air?” Edek shook his head.

“Mum and me we did make the decision together,” Edek said. “Mum did feel that what was wrong with the baby was because of her.”

“How?” said Ruth.

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“Because of the things what they did do to her, in the camps,” Edek said. “She did say her insides was not clean.”

“That is terrible,” Ruth said. Tears ran down her face. “Mum felt it was her fault.”

“They did terrible things to your mum,” Edek said.

“I know,” said Ruth.

“Ruthie, no one, not even me, can know how terrible,” Edek said.

“I know,” she said.

“The doctor did tell us he would organize the adoption,” Edek said.

Edek looked as though he was unable to continue. He looked down at his lap, and swallowed several times. “Your mum, Ruthie,” he said, “did say that we have to give this baby the best chance to have a life. And she did say that the baby’s best chance was not to stay with us.” Tears were running down Edek’s face.

“The doctor did say it was for the best for the baby if Mum did breast-feed the baby for two weeks,” Edek said. “Mum did say she would do everything what was best for the baby. The doctor did move us to a little house, in the town of Feldafing, for two weeks. Mum did cry for the whole two weeks.” Edek looked at Ruth. “Are you all right, Ruthie?” he said.

“I’m all right,” she said. Her chest felt tight. She tried to undo her bra through her shirt. It finally opened. Maybe undoing her bra would help her to breathe, she thought.

“We did organize a circumcision,” Edek said. “There was a
mohel
in the DP camp who was from Poland. On the night before the circumcision we did have a
vachnacht
, a night of watching. It was such a custom among some Jews to watch the baby the night before the circumcision. Mum did want this. She did say we did have to do everything what we could. So we did ask people from the camp to come and pray for the baby. All night we did sit around the baby and pray. People did do this to make sure that no evil spirits did get to the baby on the night before the circumcision. My cousin Herschel was there. He did pray all night, too.”

Edek looked at Ruth. “You do not look so good, Ruthie,” he said.

“I’m fine,” she said.

“Do you want me to finish the story?” Edek said. Ruth nodded. “The doctor did bring us all the papers for the adoption,” Edek said. “Mum and me did sign them and Mum did say to the doctor that she would give the

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baby to him the next day. Mum did want to have one last ceremony for her beautiful baby boy,” Edek said. He stopped speaking and started to weep again.

“We did have a name-changing ceremony for our little boy,” he said, after a couple of minutes. “Some Jews did believe that it was necessary to change the name of a sick person. They did believe that if you did change the name, any evil spirits what did want to do the sick person harm, would be confused. Herschel did organize a
minyan
. Ten men to pray for the baby. They did come and pray. They did tell God that this sick baby was no longer called Israel. He was now to be known as Chaim.” Edek paused. “It did make Mum feel better. She did say she did not know if there was a God or not, but it was for the best to do everything possible for the baby. Of course, the German couple would give the baby straightaway another name. I do not think a German couple would want a son what is called Chaim.”

Edek breathed out deeply. He looked exhausted. Collapsed. “There are some things, Ruthie, it is for the best not to think about,” he said. “I been trying not to think about this, for many years. I been trying not to think about too many things for too many years.”

“I know, Dad,” she said. “I know.” She felt numb. Numbed by the pain of Edek’s and Rooshka’s lives. Why had it been necessary for them to experience so much pain? She shook her head. That was a stupid question.

There was no answer to that question.

“I know Rooshka did never forget,” Edek said. “Every time she did look at me I did know that she was thinking about it. I did ask her once when she was looking very miserable if she think of the baby. She did say that if I did say one word to her about the baby, she would do something that she would regret. This was when we was already in Australia. I did not know what she did mean, but I did never mention it to her again.”

Ruth looked around her. She was glad that the lobby was empty. This was not a time to be shared with anybody else.

“I did take a photograph of the baby,” Edek said. “Mum was angry. She did say that if we are going to give him away, he will be out of our lives, so why should we pretend with a photograph that he is part of us.”

“He would always be part of you,” Ruth said. She picked up the photograph and looked at it. “He is a very beautiful baby,” she said.

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“He was a very beautiful baby,” Edek said. “Not he is.”

“He had a lot of hair,” she said.

“Yes,” said Edek. “Like you, he did have a lot of hair.”

Her own birth, Ruth thought, must have been a nightmare for her mother. Another baby. Another baby to lose. She wished Rooshka was here, so she could tell her that she understood. Understood how difficult Rooshka’s life had been. She wanted her mother to know that she, Ruth, held nothing against Rooskha. Not the haircut, not the diets, not anything.

“Mum did say it would be harder if we did have a photograph of the baby,” Edek said. “Mum did tell me to throw away the photograph. But I did not want to throw it away. I had nowhere, in the barracks, to hide it from Mum, so I did give it to Herschel. Herschel did want to go back to Kamedulska Street. He did live there, too, on the top floor.”

“So, he went back?” Ruth said.

“Herschel did say Kamedulska Street was still more his home than the barracks. When he did get there, he did see it was no more his home. He did not know what to do with the photograph, so he did bury it there. He did tell me when he did get back to Feldafing.” Edek started to cry again.

Ruth put her arm around him. She had stopped trembling. She was still numb. Still in a daze. She hugged Edek.

“I’m sorry you had to relive all of this, for me,” she said.

“It did live with me all the time anyway, Ruthie,” Edek said. “This is not something what a person does forget.” He took another deep breath.

“Mum did blame me,” he said. “I always did feel this. She did blame me.

We all do need to blame someone. Mum had no one to blame for so many things. So, she did blame me for this.” He put his head in his hands. “I did understand,” he said. “She did have too many people to blame for too many things. But it is too hard to blame hundreds of people. It is impossible to blame hundreds of people, so she did blame me for this one thing.

That we did give our baby away. And to tell you the truth, I did blame myself, too.” Tears ran down his face.

“It wasn’t your fault, Dad,” Ruth said.

“I think we did make the wrong decision,” Edek said. “I did feel ashamed my whole life.”

“You did nothing wrong,” Ruth said. “You were trying to do your best for a child who would require a lot of care. You did nothing wrong. You

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gave him a chance. You couldn’t look after him. You and Mum were so battered, so powerless, so bereaved, so homeless. You loved the baby. You wanted to do the best for him.”

“Me and Rooshka did cry for a long time for this baby,” Edek said. “In a way this decision to give the baby away did build such a brick between us.

Do you understand what I mean?”

“You mean the decision created a wedge between you,” Ruth said.

“That is it,” Edek said. “A wedge. It did build a wedge between us. We did know always that we did do this. And it was not a good feeling. Mum did see the love she did have for me as a good thing, the only good thing in her life, before this. After that, the love she did feel for me was mixed up with the decision about the baby. Her love for me did never look so good to Mum again.”