Torn (30 page)

His jaw dropped, and he shook his head to clear it. “What? What are you
talking
about?”

His wife frowned. “You don’t remember?”

“Remember
what?”
Jake’s exasperation was clear; he knew she’d be able to hear it.

“You don’t remember that conversation we had that night, lying in bed together? When we asked each other what the other would do if cheated on?”

His stare was blank and baffled. Chelsea sighed.

“I asked what you would do if I ever got pregnant by another man, and you said you’d kick me out and take the girls.”

He threw his head back and uttered a hollow laugh.
“I
said that?”

“You don’t even
remember?”
Now she was the one exasperated. Oddly, he thought it cute, in a way thick with nostalgia, the way her nose wrinkled as she scowled.

“Are you going to
try
and take the girls from me?”

Jake’s lips twitched, noting the word emphasized. “No.”

Now it was Chelsea’s turn to gap at him. “You’re
not?”

He shook his head. “I’m not.”

“Why?”

His lips twitched into a smile. Lord, she was a funny woman. One minute, freaked out that he would take their girls away from her –– as if –– and then next, freaked out that he wouldn’t. “Maybe because I’m not as vindictive as you are.”

She blinked at him owlishly, then blushed. “I’m not vindictive.”

Jake shrugged, his smile widening. “No. You’re not,” he agreed, “but the potential is there. I might not have remembered my response to your scenario, but I certainly remember
your
response to mine. Something about torching to my guitars?”

Chelsea rolled her eyes. “Quit evading the question.”

“Is that what I’m doing?”

She frowned at him, then winced, lifted a hand to gingerly touch her temple. “Oh,
fuck
my head hurts
.”

“That’s what happens when you try to bounce it off of cement.”

“Sympathetic much?”

He chuckled, then grew serious. “I’m not taking the girls because they don’t deserve that. You’re an incredible mother, Chelsea. They love you, and it’s a no-brainer how much you love them.” Jake leaned back against the cool metal wall of the ambulance. “You don’t deserve it either. But don’t think I haven’t thought about it during the last eight or so months.”

Chelsea closed her eyes in relief. “Thank you, Jake.”

Jake could see it written all over her face, the moment his words sunk in
.
Chelsea’s eyes flew back open. She stared at him, and he held her gaze steadily, all traces of humor gone.

“You
knew?
You’ve known all this time? How…?”

“Because,” he replied with a simple shrug. “I had a vasectomy.”

Chapter Thirty-One

“
Y
ou had a
what?”

Chelsea’s voice exploded inside the ambulance, causing everyone inside –– the EMS workers, who’d long since given up the pretense of not listening in, and her husband –– to cringe.

Jake’s chin lifted a notch, and his sky blue eyes glittered with triumph, sadness, and yes, there it was… Vindictiveness. “A vasectomy. I had my ‘tubes tied’.”

A vasectomy. Chelsea stared at her husband in disbelief. She took one deep breath, then another, feeling suddenly lightheaded despite the oxygen being filtered through the nasal cannula in her nose. She was going to kill him.
“Why?”

“It’s not obvious? Why do most people get their tubes tied?” Jake shrugged, rolled his shoulders as he replied. “I was content with having our two girls. I didn’t want any more. There’s already too many people on this planet as it is.”

Chelsea resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the age-old mantra. Jake had always been what she coined, the
Population Police.
“Why didn’t you
tell
me?”

“Maybe I didn’t want to see you hurt. I know how you feel about babies and kids… How you love being pregnant, love being a ‘Mom’. I knew you’d want to discuss it, try to change my mind, feel hurt and betrayed by my refusal to do so, so I kept it to myself.”

She winced. Ouch. That hit close. It also blew all the anger out of her argument. When she next spoke, her voice reflected it. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

Jake tipped his head back, closed his eyes, then nodded as he met her gaze. “Yes. But I thought I could let it slide until the next time you brought up having babies. Then you went and got pregnant and blew my world apart. I kept waiting for you to tell me the truth, for you to admit to me, and to yourself, what you did. But you didn’t. You let every opportunity I gave you slip by.”

He paused, licked his lips, and took a breath. “You thought you could get away with letting me think the babies were mine because we made love that night… Or at least,
I
made love,” his voice shook, became a whisper of sound. Tears filled his eyes. “You just had sex.”

Chelsea turned her head away as shame flooded her, took away her breath. First one tear, then another, slipped down her cheekbones, and were swallowed by the pillow under her head. Silence, thick with tension, filled the ambulance.

“I was so…
angry
with you… It was so against your character… So disrespectful it took my breath away,” Jake continued, getting his emotions back under control. His eyes took on a far-away glaze as he deepened the narration of his story.

“I wanted you to feel guilty. So I went with you to your prenatal appointments, to your ultrasounds… But it wasn’t until the third ultrasound that I stopped feeling hurt and angry… And started feeling like the babies you were carrying were mine. It wasn’t their fault, after all.”

Jake paused again, looking through Chelsea. “Then things fell back into a similar routine, and I thought maybe we’d gone past it. That things could go back to the way they were, and I could… I could raise the twins as my own. I told myself that it was the best of both worlds:
I
could be happy because I didn’t contribute to the overpopulation of the planet, and
you
could be happy because you had more babies.”

Chelsea swallowed, bit her lip as she faced him again. “Oh, Jake––“

“Then came the premiere. I saw firsthand how he fell all over himself trying to get to you when we arrived. I saw for myself the love in his eyes whenever he looked your way. But that I could ignore.” Jake stopped, thought about what he said. “Sort of,” he amended.

“But that goddamn love scene… Everything was fine –– my bubble of denial was intact until I saw that fucking love scene. Everyone else in that theatre might be impressed with your acting skills –– but I know from experience the only reason that scene played out as well as it did was because it was
real
. It was happening. I’ve seen that look on your face –– hell, I’ve
brought
that look to your face! I’ve
heard
the sounds you make when you’re making love!

And it was no longer me pretending the babies were mine. How could I when I’d just
witnessed
their conception on that
goddamned
screen? And don’t get me started on the faceless millions that will see the same thing, only they won’t know that it’s fucking
real!”

He stopped. Breathed in. Out. Took another breath and then looked at his wife as he tried to release the pent-up anger, jealousy, and love he’d kept secret for so long. She was crying silently, nodding her head in agreement. As though she deserved his bitterness. And that just made him more angry.

Chelsea shut her mouth with an audible
click
.

“How come it’s always ‘didn’t
mean’?
Where’s the ‘didn’t
want’?
Face the truth, for god’s sake! You
wanted
it! You
wanted
him to slip inside you. To fuck you! You
wanted
him to make you cum, and you
wanted
him …” The words trailed off as his rage left him. Jake bit his lip, glanced at his wife, and let out a short, sad laugh. “You wanted
him.”

“And I love that I’m carrying his children,” she continued. “The timing is terrible, but I know a blessing when it falls into my lap. I can’t deny it. I won’t.”

“How wonderful for you.” Jake’s voice was flat. Dull. “I thought I was the other half of your soul.”

Chelsea’s conflicted gaze flickered as she struggled to meet his. Her voice was barely audible in the tiny area of the vehicle. “I thought you were too. I was wrong.”

“What makes you think you’re right this time?”

“I never had anything to compare it to… before.”

He flinched and looked away, arms crossing over his chest in a protective gesture, and Chelsea shook her head. “Jake, I’m sorry. That… That came out wrong. What I mean is… What I’m trying to say… Is that you and I… We’re soul mates. I don’t have any doubt about that. We were destined to meet, to fall in love, to have our girls. But Tyler…” She broke off and frowned in concentration.

Jake tilted his head, studied his wife, wondered if she would ever figure out what her point was. If she started in with that Astrology crap or how the numbers added up
just so
to spin the Universe like
so
in order to align the planets
just so
–– he was going to run screaming like a woman from the ambulance, and probably choke a bitch on his way out.

“You know how I believe there’s more than one kind of soul mate?” she finally asked. “That there’s soul mates whose sole purpose is to be the catalyst that hooks you up with the soul mate you’re supposed to have some kind of meaningful relationship with? Good or bad? And that once that ‘mission’ has been accomplished, the catalyst person or thing no longer has a hold or impact on your life –– they vanish into the woodwork? Like that girlfriend of your brother’s who took your virginity?”

“Explain.” Jake’s jaw tightened. Was she saying he was nothing but a catalyst? What the fuck? And why was she bringing up Kelly?

“Mitchell and Kelly were together for only a short while before she set herself on you. You were really young, and Mitch was more pissed that she took advantage of you than being angry with you for having sex with his girlfriend. You and your brother bonded over that; you grew closer and to this day, have a bond that others don’t necessarily have with their siblings. Kelly was the catalyst for that.”

Jake narrowed his eyes, but slowly, he nodded. He could see what she meant. Kelly left town with her parents shortly after that, and neither he nor his brother heard from her again. But his relationship with Mitch, which had always been weak, with little in common, grew stronger after that, and they were close to this day. Plus, Chelsea hadn’t mentioned stars, planets, or numbers. He was with her so far.

“Okay, that’s one level of soul mate. Then there’s the kind of soul mate like Lynn. She and I were destined to meet and become the best of friends –– she’s the whole reason why I had that crappy job just before Faye was born. Remember? Shortly after Lynn and I met, I stopped working there. That lame job was the catalyst of our friendship. Then there’s you.”

He leaned in closer, viewing his wife differently as she warmed to her premise. He’d never really been interested in her “new age” theories. Every time she’d try to discuss it with him, he’d found something else to do. But clearly, in doing so, he’d missed a large part of what made Chelsea, Chelsea. In spite of himself, Jake was fascinated. Even if he was watching the train wreck that was his marriage –– his
life
–– he couldn’t have interrupted her if he wanted to.

“I came out here only because my parents did –– after my father got that job. A job he had applied for in a state I’d never heard of… Well, remembered hearing of, anyway. I remember when we found out he was hired, my mom and I had to look for Montana on a map –– I wasn’t even sure it was part of the United States!” She stopped, chuckled as she shook her head at her lack of geographical knowledge.

“I’m telling you, Jake. I was a New Yorker obsessed with New York City, with a dash of Tri-State area ––
only
if it somehow applied to New York City. I never pictured myself ever living anywhere else. I remember when I saw where Montana was I just laughed my ass off. Told my parents to have fun hanging out with the cowboys, yee-haw. I would stay here in
my
City.”

Jake smiled at how possessive she sounded over the large metropolis and noticed that her eyes took on that faraway glaze whenever she focused inside herself.

“So they moved out here, and I’d come up and visit, at first reluctantly –– as in kicking and screaming and peeling fingers from the taxi door ––, then willingly, sometimes for months at a time. Then came the summer we met. And you know my mom –– she
never
does anything on impulse, especially when it comes to spending money.”

Jake smirked. True enough. Chelsea’s mother no doubt had money stashed in accounts on islands no one had ever heard of. Helen Fawley took security for the future to a whole new level.