Torrential (15 page)

“I can’t believe you did something so stupid. Seriously, May.” Tanner shakes his head, but I can see the creases under his eyes, left by worry. “You and Sebastian both disappeared and I had no idea where you were. Then Sebastian comes back, without you. He doesn’t know where you are either. You musta slipped and fell—”

I remember my dream. “Tanner! Did you—did you carry me back?”

He shifts uncomfortably.

Guilt floods my stomach. I’ve been so insensitive to him. I’ve toyed with his feelings and gone behind his back. And he saved my life. “Tanner, I’m…” I plan on saying ‘sorry’, but I’m flooded by tears before I can get the word out.

“Shit, May.” He rushes to the bed and wraps his arms around me, warm and comforting.
He’s always been able to make me feel safe, even when we were kids. He pulls me into his chest. “I’m the dumbass who’s sorry, okay? You were right. I’m not your boyfriend and I don’t get to freak out if you kiss someone, even if it someone I can’t stand. I shouldn’t have said anything about Opal’s bet—”

“It’s okay. He was going to find out at some point, I guess. It was my fault for taking that stupid bet in the first place.” I draw back enough to kiss him on the cheek. “Thanks for saving me.”

“I—” he starts, and then falls silent. “Yeah.”

We have nothing to pack, so once my eyes are dry, we walk out together toward the jet. The stewardess bids us aboard and settles us in with a menu and a movie. Tanner’s acting a little odd, making sure I’m comfortable and asking the stewardess for glasses of water I don’t need, and I realize how much it must have bothered him to find me semiconscious on a mountainside.

“I feel like…I’ve been taking you for granted, Tanner.” I swallow, staring out at the clouds. Even if Sebastian hates me, I’ll always have my best friend. “You’re always there for me, and I want you to know I appreciate that. I’m sorry I can’t—that I can’t feel the same way you feel about me.”

“Don’t say sorry.” He gives me a pained smile. “You don’t owe me anything.
Having you as my friend is more than enough, May.”

I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes for the rest of the
flight, trying not to picture the way Sebastian looked at me when he found out the truth.

CHAPTER TEN

MAY

When I finally get back to my dorm room, Opal’s got a million questions about where I’ve been all weekend. I’m a terrible liar, so eventually she extracts honesty. After a while, I can’t handle the cross-examination any longer, so I make a lame excuse and leave. I wander around campus for an hour or so, lost in a daze, and then call my mom.

She’s still excited about
her job, a fact that twists my stomach, but mostly she wants to know about me and how the semester is going. I let her voice lull me into a peace I don’t deserve, and it’s the memory of our conversation that lets me sleep that night.

I wake up with a dull certainty gripping my stomach—I need to apologize to Sebastian.

Even if, in all likelihood, he’ll refuse to speak to me.
I’d
refuse to speak to me, but every second I don’t talk to him increases the anxiety in my heart. I have to explain that it wasn’t the bet that made me want to talk to him. It was something else. And that
something
is still there, quickening my pulse.

And I’m worried. I don’t know how much more pain he can stand.

Especially when I’ve caused it.

Today is my busy day, and I can’t af
ford to skip classes. I’m impatient, fidgeting through my classes, and when my night class goes a couple minutes over time, I want to yell at the professor. When I finally get out, it’s dark and I’m full of purpose.

I know where to find him, I think, unless he’s hiding from me like he hid from Renée. When I reach the pool and see that it’s empty, that’s what I fear. Then I see that steam is leaking from under the crack of the b
oys’ locker room door. I wince, remembering what happened the last time I surprised him in a shower, but the thought of leaving him alone for another minute is more than I can stand.

I steel myself and shove
open the door with more force than necessary. Steam drifts in clouds past the hazy ceiling light. The room’s abandoned apart from Sebastian, who’s standing in front of the mirror, jeans slung low across his hips and no shirt. The sight of the smooth curve of his abs is enough to lock my throat, but I tear my eyes away and meet his, which contain visible shock.

“Sebastian, I’m sorry,” I burst out
. “It’s true that my roommate bet me she’d get my mom a job if I got you to open up, but that was never the reason why I wanted to talk to you. At first it was because I thought you seemed lonely, but then I got to know you a little, and now…I just care about you. About who you are. You can hate me if you want to, and I’ll understand, but I need you to know that I only ever wanted to be near you because—”

In my desperation to be understood, I take a step forward. My foot lands in a soapy puddle, and I’m still dizzy from hitting my head, and then—to my absolute disbelief that this is happening again—I’m unbalanced and falling. But this time, there’s no shower curtain. Sebastian lunges, grabbing me before I can crash into the edge of the sink.
I’m pressed flat against the arc of his chest, the dips and bulges of his muscles against my skin.

“
Oops,” I squeak.

“Are you recovered?” he asks, his voice rough with an urgency that surprises me. “From last night? When I found you, I…” He cuts himself off.

“Wait, you found me?” I push back enough to look up into his face, which has twisted momentarily with emotion. “But…Tanner told me he was the one who carried me back.”

His features transform for a second with surprise before settling back int
o his customary coolness. “Right. Yeah.”

“No, you’re lying.” I shake my head, wavering between fury and guilt. “It was you. You saved me that night. You went looking for me even though I…”

“It was stupid of me to storm off.” He pushes his damp hair away from his eyes. “When I got back, Tanner told me that you’d disappeared. It was obvious you’d run off after me. Because of me, you nearly died. I told you that you’d get hurt if I let you get close. I was right.”

The pain in his voice is evident. I seize his shoulders, unable to stop myself. “Sebastian, no! That was my fault! You don’t have some sort of…curse on you that affects the people you get close to.”

“A curse.” He nods slowly. “That’s a good word for it.”

“How many, then?” I say, surprised to find that I’m fighting tears. “How many people have gotten hurt that you’ve been close to?”

“One.”

“And how many people have you been close to?”

“One,” he says, mechanically.

“Your mother,” I whisper, and he nods.
I swallow. “There’s been…nobody else?”

“I only needed to learn my lesson once.” He tilts
his head back. “I’m not so selfish that I’d let it happen to more than one person.”

“The only way you’ve hurt me is by pushing me away. There’s no other way you could.” My emotion overcomes my hesitation, and I touch his face. “Let me in, Sebastian. You might as well, because I’m not going to give up on you.”

“Don’t torture me,” he murmurs, his voice barely controlled.

We’re so close, my hands still on his shoulders. My breath catches in the steamy air. His eyes bore into mine, those golden irises I could lose myself in. With the gentlest motion, he smooths a lock of hair away from my brow.

“You don’t understand, May.” His breath is sweet. “I know I’m dangerous to you. I know you deserve better. I know I’d hurt you, and yet…”

I can hardly breathe.

“I don’t know how much longer I can force myself to stay away,” he growls.

“Don’t,” I w
hisper. “Let go of your control, Sebastian.”

I can barely believe what I’m saying, but he lets out a low groan into my neck. His lips brush my collarbone, and suddenly he’s placing slow kisses over my shoulder. Each one sends a tendril of white-fire heat into my abdomen.

“Tell me to stop,” he says roughly into my skin.

“No,” I breathe. His skin is alive with tension. I can see the struggle in his face, the pain battling the hunger. I want the hunger to win. His hand deftly unsnaps my bra strap, and he begins to massage my breast. This time it’s me who groans.

“Tell me to stop,” he rumbles into my ear. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to.”

I’ve never let a boy touch me before, determined to stop myself from falling for anyone. But I’m helpless to this feeling I’ve been caught up in, like a current. I never knew I could have this effect on someone. “I don’t want you to stop.” And then, breathless, “I’ll never forgive you if you stop.”

He lets out a tortured grunt, grabs my wrists, and pins them above my head, against the bathroom wall. My skin presses into the patterned tiles. I look up into his face, his high cheekbones, his endless eyes.

“Sometimes I think you’re evil.” His fingers squeeze my skin. “Sent here to torment me.”

“No. I want to save you.”
From yourself
. I don’t know what makes me say that. I don’t really have control over my voice anymore.

A vaguely amused smile flickers over his lips. He traces my mouth with a finger. “When are you going to learn that I can’t be saved?”

“I’ll never accept that.” A hint of defiance enters my tone.

“I’m learning how stubborn you are.” His fingers move down my abdomen, and suddenly my shirt is unbuttoned and open. He bites softly at the skin above my nipple. “That’s why I shouldn’t be doing this.”

Guilt rips through his voice, and for a second, I have misgivings. Is it right of me to let him do something he’ll only torture himself for later? Then his tongue slides across my nipple and I lose all coherent thought.

His hand slips into my shorts. Oh, God, I’m so wet it’s almost embarrassing. He can feel it, I can tell, because his eyes darken
with something primal. His finger moves inside and I nearly whimper with how strange, how amazing it feels.

“
Sebastian,” I moan, the word dropping from between my lips before I can stop it.

He stifles his name with by pushing his mouth against mine, biting my lower lip until the pain mingles with a pleasure so deep I can feel it in my bones. His tongue shoves over mine, hungry. He’s starved of this—starved of any touch.

He’s been alone for so long.

I cup his strong jawline
, burying my fingers in his hair. In response, he begins stroking my clit, and I gasp, nearly doubling over. I’ve touched myself before, but this is different. So different.

His kiss is so powerful it presses me again to the wall. I’m pinned as the wave of pleasure crashes through me again, making me shudder. He’s desperate, passionate, and I realize what he’s doing—he wants to steal a piece of something he doesn’t think he deserves before he forces himself to pull away once more.

I don’t want him to pull away. Ever again.

Being alone is not good for him.

Despite the shivers rushing down my spine, I hold a finger to his lips, struggling to catch my breath for a moment before I can say, “Wait.” His body is taut like a bowstring—I can feel the desire coursing through him—and the sensation of how hard he is against my leg nearly sends me out of my mind, but I hold firm, and he pants against my neck.

“Not here.” I misbutton my shirt and take his hand from my pants, though I have to remind myself it’s only for a moment. “Follow me.”

Thank God it’s nighttime. There’s nobody watching to see me drag a shirtless Sebastian past the academic buildings and toward the beach. The air is cool against my burning lips, my neck feverish where he kissed me. If I don’t get to the beach within the next few minutes, I’m going to turn and throw myself on him in the middle of campus—I won’t be able to help it—and so I run faster, hearing him quicken his pace behind me.

The beach is empty. It’s a clear night, and moonlight spills across the miles of soft, dark water. We left our shoes in the locker room, and our bare feet sink into the sand as I dash to the place I wanted to find.

“This is where I pulled you out of the water,” I gasp, gesturing at the damp stretch of sand beneath us. “You weren’t breathing. I was so scared…”

My voice trails off, and suddenly I have no idea what the point of this was. Consumed by uncertainty, my skin still hot, I stare at him.

His eyes are shadowed as he looks at the sea. A twisted smile is on his lips.

“
I wonder if you should have just let me die,” he says.

The shock reverberates down my chest. I cry out and reach to grab him, but either I do it too forcefully or I fall—I’m not sure which—and suddenly he’s on his back in the sand and I’m on top of him, my hands
on the ground on other side of his face. His expression has that hint of surprise that always feels like a punch—like he’s startled at the idea anyone would be horrified by hearing him say that. Like he’s surprised that someone would care.

“Don’t you dare say that to me.” My voice shakes. “I would never have let you die.”

I’m crying, stupidly. A tear slips from my cheek and lands on his. He reaches up to brush the water from my face. “May…”

“I accept you for who you are, Sebastian. There’s nothing wrong with you.” I’m stammering. “I want you to
live. I want you to be happy, and I’m not going to let you torture yourself anymore.”

He’s quiet for a mom
ent. Then he hooks an arm around my back and flips us, smoothly, so that I’m pressed into the sand and he’s on top of me. He towers above me, his body silhouetted against the moonlight.

“You have no idea how much you’ve captured me,” he murmurs.

My heartbeat quickens. He kisses me fiercely, making me start to sweat, despite the cool air and the dampness of the sand underneath me. This time, he doesn’t bother unbuttoning my shirt. He rips it off me, the sound of tearing fabric echoing. The night air caresses my breasts for a moment before his mouth is on my nipple, then the other, and I moan.

He’s incredible.

“I can’t stop myself anymore,” he growls into my collarbone. “No matter what I do, I can’t…I’ve begged you to stay away. But now—”