Touch & Go (12 page)

He loved her.

Ava blinked. She swallowed. Took a deep breath and thought about trying to pinch herself just to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Only considering Sam was still buried inside her where he'd come without a condom less than a minute ago, then looked tenderly into her eyes and said those three little words she'd fantasized her whole life about hearing
like this
—the whole pinching thing might ruin the moment. Especially since there was every chance Sam hadn't said them the way she hoped they were intended.

In a world that was fair—a world where parents weren't taken before their time, where children knew only hugs and safety, in a world where love was never unrequited—there would be only one way to interpret those three little words after what had just happened between them.

But in this world where Sam and Ava lived, life wasn't always fair.

Which meant those three little words could mean any number of things.

Ava blinked again, this time with the realization that might not be such a terrible thing after all. Because if she said them back…they could mean whatever Sam thought they should.

So maybe just this once she could say what she meant. Set the words that had been bubbling up in her chest since she was a girl free with all the emotion she'd never allowed to accompany them before. She could give him everything in her heart without worrying about the ramifications of Sam seeing more than she wanted him to see. Because Sam wouldn't see anything he didn't want to.

And after all, there was still the chance…maybe…

Reaching up, she caught a few sun-brushed stands of hair between her fingers, and meeting his eyes, gave Sam a truth she never thought she'd be able to share. A truth that might still count as a lie depending on how he took her words—how she let him take them.

She didn't care. To let the words out just once with the feeling that was behind them, to set all that too long-contained emotion free, to live in the bliss of that instant before she really knew what he meant…She couldn't resist.

Parting her lips to answer him, Ava expected the words to spring past with the ease they'd always found before. But after so many years of fighting to contain the emotions behind them, they wouldn't come.

Her throat was too dry. Too tight. Her tongue refusing to work.

She tried again, afraid Sam would look away and the moment, her chance, would be gone forever. And this time, when she pushed the air from her lungs, she managed the words herself. “I love you too.”

Sam's eyes searched her own. The corner of his mouth curling into the satisfied grin that had been making her heart skip for twenty years.

He dropped a firm kiss to her lips and winked. “I know you do.”

And then he was easing out of her body, dropping another kiss at her shoulder, backing off the bed as he asked about breakfast the next morning. Casual. Easy.

Like always.

That buoyed feeling in her chest started to fade. Not that she'd let it show.

Pulling the sheet above her still sensitive breasts, she tucked her knees beneath her. “How about waffles? We could make them.”

“We” was stretching it. Sam would make them. She would gather the ingredients and lay them out, but mostly her contribution was limited to reading aloud the bits of news most likely to get a rise or laugh out of Sam while he cracked eggs and eyeballed vanilla.

But what mattered was they'd still be within their own little bubble at home. She'd have him to herself. And if things were changing between them, they'd have the privacy to explore it, to voice those precious words again.

“Waffles? Sure. Whatever sounds good to you.”

Ava nodded, smiling as he flashed another grin at her from the gap in the bathroom door.

Only all she could think was, guys didn't say “whatever” after those three little words when they meant what they were supposed to mean.

Because those words, said the very first time
the way they were supposed to be meant
, weren't easy. And they weren't casual.

She'd known better than to let herself think for even a second that things had changed.

“Boss, you want us to start early again tomorrow?”

Sam looked up to where Jesse Erikson was packing his tools. Their work for the day done.

“Nah, man, we're back on track. Thanks for putting in the extra hours. Bathroom is looking good.”

Normally when Sam's delivery schedule started going to shit, like it had when the subflooring needed replacing and the custom vanity came in six inches too short and the electrical turned up bad for the Collier job, he went a little nuts.

His reputation meant everything to him. From before he'd had his name behind his company, from before Ava's dad got him his first job with the man who would become his mentor, from the first time Mr. Meyers gave him the chance to help out with mowing the lawn, giving him the opportunity to contribute in some way to the family that treated him like he belonged, the job he'd done was the absolute best he could do. It didn't matter how long it took; he worked until the job was perfect. Until there was no room to criticize. No matter how big or small the task, he set the bar high for it. It was the only way he could prove to the people who trusted him that he was worthy. The only way he could show them how much he appreciated the opportunities they gave him. The only way for him to let them know how much he cared.

So he busted ass to make sure fuckups were at a minimum, and that his actions made lies of every hateful word his father had ever said. That when people heard his name, they associated it with something of value.

Yeah, he took the commitments he made seriously. And weeks like this one had always put him on edge. Only instead of him needing to hole up in his office, triple- and quadruple-checking delivery dates, stock, schedules, and every other damn thing he'd already checked, he worked his hours, made sure everything was on track, and then closed up shop…to get back to Ava.

Jesus,
the fantasy file was filling up faster than they were burning through it. The maple syrup–butter thing from the weekend—
holy fuck.
It had put the best ideas in his head. Ideas that were multiplying like rabbits even as they spoke.

He'd teased her that at the rate they were going, they were never going to clear that file. He'd been joking, mostly, but the look she'd given him reminded him there was a ticking clock. Yeah, he didn't exactly know where they were in the countdown, but that startled expression said it was on.

Which made sense. Hell, he knew they couldn't go on like this forever.

Ava was going to want something more from the kind of guy she deserved it with—a guy who knew how to fall in love and believed in marriage and wanted the zillion kids Ava had talked about when she was in high school. And killing time with him only meant she wouldn't be open to the possibility for that much longer. So yeah, it couldn't last. But he wasn't ready to give it up. Not just yet. And based on the pleading, desperate sounds she'd been making in his ear just that morning, Sam got the sense she wasn't quite ready to give it up either.

Jesse cleared his throat, reminding Sam the guy was still there. A reminder he needed more and more, it seemed, in recent weeks.

Letting out a short laugh, he shoved a hand through is hair. “Sorry, distracted.”

“No problem—I know how it is when we get behind. But we're looking good now, yeah?”

“Yeah. We'll be out of here on time. It's all good.”

“Cool.” Jesse dug his keys out of his pocket. “Say, you don't know anyone looking for a puppy, do you? Sadie Mae got out awhile back and we've got a litter looking for homes. Half retriever, half hell if I know.”

An hour later, Sam was pulling Ava through the Eriksons' front gate and knocking on the door to the small bungalow.

“Sam, seriously, what's gotten into you?” she laughed, pulling away when he pinched her hip.

They didn't know anyone in Jesse's neighborhood, so there wasn't any harm in giving in to his desire to touch her.

“And what are we doing here again?”

He squeezed her hand, pulling her close. “Wait and see.”

Ava's eyes narrowed, her chin pulling back, but he could see the excitement in her eyes.

She was going to flip.

The front door opened and Jesse greeted them with a comfortable smile, and a toddler with pink cheeks and a pile of auburn corkscrews tumbling around her face perched on his hip. “Come on in, guys. Excuse the mess. The stink. The noise. Take my word for it—with just one, it's not nearly so bad.”

“One baby?” she asked, looking more than a little confused.

Jesse laughed, and then Ava must have heard. Little yips and scuffles coming from somewhere deeper within the house.

“No way,” she gasped, looking from Jesse to Sam and back. “You've got puppies?”

Jesse waved them to follow and Sam tucked her under his arm, pulling her in close just the way he liked. Leaning down toward her ear as they walked, he said, “I'm thinking we should get a boy. I know girls are so cute, but I'm afraid a pretty little thing like that would have me wrapped around her paw so tight, we'd never get her trained. With boys, I know you don't take any crap, so I feel like we'd have a chance. Yeah?”

Ava stopped walking, her eyes gone saucer wide. “Sam, what are you saying?”

They were almost to the back porch where Jesse had set up the puppies' kennel, so Sam pulled her the rest of the way, too excited to stop.

“What does it sound like I'm saying? I'm getting us a puppy. They won't be ready to come home for more than a month, but we can still pick one out.”

“You want us to get a puppy
together
?” The words were barely a whisper, because what was this? She knew she hadn't been wrong about the way she'd interpreted Sam's “I love you” after the bachelorette party. He hadn't said it again. Hadn't even hinted about it.

There weren't any questioning looks. No meaningful silences just begging to be filled with a discussion about their deepening relationship.

He'd just been Sam, same as if he'd told her he liked bacon more than sausage.

Which meant those three little words said with so much emotion had been about
friendship.
They'd been about a moment between them that was special.

She'd accepted it, mostly.

Only now he was talking about a dog. A puppy.

Their
puppy.

Sam's arm lifted off her shoulders and he walked to the crated area where seven little smooth bodies were tumbling over each other, trying to get to the new visitors.

Jesse stood off to the side with his little girl and nodded at the chaos. “The three boys have the dark ribbons around their necks. And the girls have pastels. I'll be in the kitchen, but go ahead and pick them up. Play with them. But watch out. Those needle teeth are brutal.”

Ava nodded as he left, then turned back to where Sam was already reaching into the mix, his big hands gentle as he picked up one wiggling baby.

“I know I said I wanted a boy, but check out the eyes on little Miss Pink here.”

“Sam?” And again, she couldn't quite find the air to fill her voice. Not that he was paying attention, anyway.

Miss Pink's tiny paws were dangling from between Sam's fingers, her little chest resting in his palm. “Here, you hold her. Mr. Green is giving me the big eyes down here.”

And then Ava was holding the small, warm body of a female puppy who was whimpering her protest at being set aside by Sam. Ava held her closer, offering what comfort she could.

“There, there, Pinkie.” She snuggled her closer, her heart aching with want for this little girl. For so many things.

“Check out this guy,” he said with a laugh, holding Mr. Green up so his round belly was on display. “Somebody's just had a good lunch.”

And then Sam had him resting in the crook of his arm, tiny paws going slack as Sam stroked his small chest and belly with two fingers. The big eyes that had caught Sam's attention slowly lowering until Mr. Green was asleep in his arms.

That ache was growing. Turning into something Ava couldn't ignore.

And Sam was smiling at her with this awed look on his face as if he'd just witnessed a miracle.

“Did you see that? I got him to sleep. He trusts me.”

She didn't have the heart to suggest that a belly full of warm milk coupled with the excitement of visitors might have had something to do with it, so instead she nodded her agreement, fighting the tears suddenly pushing at her eyes. Because all she could see looking at Sam snuggling this warm sleeping puppy he wanted to be theirs was the fantasy she knew better than to let out of the box. The one with more destructive power than all the others combined.

The one where Sam was holding a newborn infant in the cradle of his arms. Where all that awe and wonder and love was directed at the tiny gift that was the two of them combined. Denim-blue eyes and a shock of dark hair. The smallest fist wrapped around Daddy's finger.

“I can't do this.”

The words were out before Ava had even registered the thought. But they were right, real. True.

Sam looked up, alarm in his eyes.

Unlike the words he'd said to her a few nights back, hers didn't leave much room for misinterpretation.

Still, some people saw and heard only what they wanted to.

Holding up a hand, Sam started toward her with Mr. Green sound asleep. “Ava, wait—okay, the puppy thing is too much. At least while we're still”—his voice lowered as he checked the doorway behind them—“together. Like this at least. But these guys aren't going to be ready to come home for another month.”

Ava looked down at Miss Pink, whose teensy tongue was peeking past her mouth in a delicate yawn. A part of her didn't want to give up the sweet baby, but carrying the puppy back to her cage gave Ava something to focus on other than Sam's face. A face she wanted to grab between her hands and shake, demanding how it was possible one man could be so willfully oblivious. How anyone who cared for her the way he claimed he did could miss the truth for so many years. How he could miss it now.

But then, she was the one who'd perfected the lie.

Sam's biggest crime was that he believed her.

And the truth she couldn't ignore was that his belief in the lies she'd been feeding him for the past two decades was the key to their continued friendship. The friendship she shouldn't want to shake and rattle and tear down because her heart was breaking with all the things she couldn't have. With all the lies she'd been telling herself that were now being revealed for exactly what they were.

“Ava.” Sam's hands were on her then, gripping her arms to turn her to face him. “Hey, talk to me.”

As if looking him in the eye had ever ensured the truth.

What a joke. What a horrible, cruel joke.

“Can we get out of here?” she asked, not caring if both of them recognized the stall tactic for what it was. She needed the extra minutes and Sam really didn't want to have this conversation on the back porch at his employee's house.

He let go of her arms, rubbing over the spot where he'd held her, before taking a step back and shoving his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, no problem. Give me a minute with Jesse and I'll meet you at the car.”

The five minutes she'd had before Sam's long stride was eating up the sidewalk between them weren't nearly enough, but she'd managed to get at least minimally prepared for the discussion to come.

Sam climbed in the driver's side and closed the door. “The puppy was a bad idea. And I can see where it might have been pushing over a few boundaries neither of us wants to cross. I wasn't thinking. But believe me, Ava, I don't want to cross them either.”

She couldn't help but smile. “I know.”

And if she'd remembered it from the start, they wouldn't have any problem at all. But she hadn't.

So it was damage control time.

Shifting in her seat, she turned so she was facing Sam. “Look, what we've been doing together has been incredible. And I love you for it. But as much fun as you are in bed, I think we both know it can't go on like this indefinitely. It's going to start to feel like something it isn't supposed to and someone's going to get hurt. I'd rather we end it now before that happens. Just go back to being the friends we were before.”

Sam looked out the windshield, the muscles in his jaw jumping every second or so while she waited for him to answer. “You're right. I've been relaxing into this thing we've been doing more than I should. I get it.”

He started the truck and pulled into traffic, casting her a quick look before returning his attention to the road. “It's just so easy between us. Because of everything, all the years and the way we know each other. It's not like that for me with other women. I don't relax with them. And with you…I guess I liked being able to sink into everything. And I got too comfortable doing it. I took it too far.”

They cruised through the neighborhood, Ava watching the houses, the families, the yards with tricycles and pint-sized batting machines. Everyone they passed had found their happily ever after.

And Ava was sitting there watching them all pass by. A passenger in Sam's car. Along for the ride.

Wherever he took her.

She couldn't go on like this.

And yet when she looked across the cab to the man she'd loved all her life, taking in the square cut of his jaw, the slightly roughed-up quality of his features, the pure blue of the eyes that had been looking down at her as he moved within her body—she couldn't make herself stop from hoping one more time.

From asking the question that would haunt her forever if she didn't voice it now.

“Sam, you talk about how it feels to be with me, and how it's so different. Are you interested in—I mean, do you want to try and see if maybe—”

“No.” One word. Firm and unyielding. In this there was no room for misinterpretation. And yet she couldn't let it go.

“Sam, think about it before you answer. I mean maybe if you wanted to give this thing between us a shot we could make it work. Maybe—”

“Ava, no. You know that's not what I want. Yeah, what we've been doing feels great and I was getting carried away. But I was never so far gone that I thought we could make it last forever. You know me, Ave. You know how I feel about all that relationship love stuff. About the whole marriage and commitment thing. It's not me. Never will be.” And then as if he were trying to make her feel better or something, he caught her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Don't worry.” He laughed. “Not even with you.”

She squeezed his hand back, forcing her smile into place.

“Okay. Great.”

“So this is it then?” he asked, eyes on the road. Her hand still tucked in his. “Just friends?”

Her heart was breaking. “Just like always.”