Touched (22 page)

He hunted around for his clothes, gathered then up and started to put them on.

‘But why? What have I done?’ Jenny shook her head, ‘No, please, come back to bed Danny. We can work this out.’

‘We can’t Jenny. I can’t.’

‘Don’t you like me?’ Tears were flowing down her cheeks now.

By now Dan had his trousers on and was buttoning his shirt. He looked at her for a second then came and sat on the bed.

‘I do like you, I like you a hell of a lot. That’s the problem.’

‘I don’t understand, why then? What have I done?’

‘You’ve done nothing,’ he said putting his arm around her. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt. ‘I wish I could explain this properly to you but I can’t because, for one thing I don’t understand it myself and for another you’d think I was crazy. I just know I can’t do this.’

Suddenly she pushed him roughly away.

‘There’s someone else isn’t there?’ she said angrily.

Dan took a deep breath, ‘Yes. Sort of.’

‘Sort of? Sort of! There’s some other girl you’re playing with?’ She was shouting now.

‘It’s not like that…’

‘So what is it like, Dan? What is it like?’ she snapped, ‘Oh just fuck off,’ she screamed as he reached for her, ‘Just fuck off and leave me alone.’

‘Jen!’

‘Just go!’ she said, her eyes bitter, ‘and don’t you dare ever even fucking call me again, not ever!’

She rolled away, pulling her duvet over her head.

He sat there for a few moments, watching her. He then stood and quietly finished dressing. When he was done he plodded to the bedroom door where he stopped and turned.

‘Jen,’ he said.

There was no response.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and left.

*

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I need to get away. I am losing control. I cannot lose control!

Friday Night

Tess was watching TV when he got in. She looked up in surprise.

‘You’re early,’ she said, ‘I didn’t expect you back for ages.’

‘Neither did I,’ Dan said, his voice flat. He took his jacket off and flung it in the general direction of the sofa. ‘Want a drink?’

‘
Er, no, I need to work on the whole wine thing.’

Dan had found a pool of drying red wine on the worktop that morning.

‘Ok,’ he said, pouring himself a large whisky and topping it up with water before going to sit down.

‘You alright?’ asked Tess.

‘Fine.’

‘Fine. Oh Ok’

She kept glancing at him whilst pretending to watch the TV. In the end Dan found it irritating.

‘What?’ he said.

‘Nothing,’ she said, then, when she saw that he wasn’t going to accept just this added, ‘You’ve got some lipstick on your cheek.’

Angrily he wiped it off.

‘Is that why you’re in a bad mood?’

‘What?’

‘Some girl turn you down?’ Her tone was light, jokey even.

‘No,’ said Dan, taking a big swig of his drink, ‘the reverse actually.’

Tess starred at him, then her mouth opened in shock. ‘Oh no,’ she said, ‘You didn’t? Tell me that you didn’t?’

‘Tell you that I didn’t do what?’

‘Jenny. You turned her down didn’t you?’

‘What if I did?’

‘Because…' Dan saw Tess pause as if she was considering something. 'Dan?' she said haltingly, 'You didn't....hurt her did you?'

'Well, I'm not going to be on her Christmas card list, let's put it like that.'

'I didn't mean that....I..er'

Dan frowned. 'What did you...?' Then
realisation hit him. 'What? Hit her you mean? Be violent? What do you think I am?'

'I...don't know,' she frowned. 'Look Dan, last night, I saw stuff on your computer, the things that you had been searching about. Murders, assaults. I just...well...'

Dan's mouth dropped open.

'You think it was me? Me that attacked you. That I'm into that sort of stuff?'

'No, I didn't think that, well not really.'

'Not really? Oh thanks.'

'Oh Dan, you've said yourself that you've been worried about yourself at times...'

'I know but that? Do you honestly think that I'm capable of that? Do you think it was me who attacked you?'

Tess met Dan's gaze steadily. In spite of his anger he saw her looking carefully at his eyes and guessed what she was doing. He was pleased to see he sigh with relief.

'I'm sorry,' she said. 'It could never have been you. I do know what you're like inside.'

'It's OK,' he said. 'I've wondered myself actually...well, you know, about my mind. But no, I know I could never do that, even unconsciously. And about the pages...'

'You don't need to explain,' said Tess.

'Yes I do. I was looking to see if there were any clues about what happened to you, like you asked me to.'

'Oh,' she said. 'Sorry. Did you...'

'No. Not really. There are rumours – twitter rumours really and you know how reliable they can be – that there is someone out there, in this City who says he is killing because he wants to, because he has the right to, who boasts about him. I was trying to find him. I couldn't though.'

'Oh right. Sorry.'

'That's OK.'

'But Jenny...'

'What about her.' Dan felt his anger rising again.

'Well I hope you were nice about how you turned her down.’

Dan’s silence was eloquent.

Tess jumped to her feet and threw her hands in air in exasperation, ‘Dan! You bloody idiot! What did you do that for?’

‘Don’t you bloody start,’ he muttered, ‘don’t you bloody start on that, I’ve had enough tonight.’ He took another drink, ‘This is your fault anyway.’

‘Mine? Mine? How is this
my
fault?’ she said, palms outstretched.

‘Because I…Because I lo –‘

‘No!’ she shouted, ‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say that. That’s it, I’m going. Take me back to my flat.’

Dan just sat, staring into space, quite deliberately ignoring her.

‘Now!’ she yelled.

‘No,’ he said quietly.

‘No?’ She looked surprised.

‘You heard me,’ he stood, drained his glass and threw it into the kitchen where it shattered against the units. ‘I’m pissed now anyway, can’t drive but I wouldn’t do it anyway. I’m sick of being pushed around, pushed into doing things I’ve not wanted to do. Well this is it, no more.’

He headed for the door.

‘Tomorrow I’m going up to Scotland camping. You’ll have the place to yourself for a week. I’m going to bed now. Goodnight.’

He slammed the door behind him, leaving Tess standing in the lounge open-mouthed.

*

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fear_me_now Twitter Account

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I am going to stop using this for a while. I nearly gave myself away. I will return when I am in control again. Then the world will suffer

Chapter Fifteen

Saturday morning

Dan was still angry when he woke up.

He showered, dressed and packed what he could into the car before he even opened the door to the lounge. He expected her not to be there but there she was, sitting quietly on the sofa.

‘Morning,’ he said.

‘Morning,’ she said, ‘look, about last night, I’m really s -.’

‘Ok,’ he said abruptly, cutting her off. He walked swiftly through to the kitchen and started making a coffee.

She followed him in, leaning on the kitchen wall well away from him as he clattered around.

‘You’re angry with me,’ she said.

A statement, not a question.

‘No,’

‘Yes you are.’

‘Just have it your own way then,’ he said, ‘now please leave me to get on.’

‘Dan,’ she said, ‘Please don’t be childish. Listen to me. You can’t be in love with me.’

He stopped, his hand on a tin of coffee grounds.

‘Who said I loved you?’ he said at last.

‘So you don’t?’

He didn’t answer.

‘Dan you can’t love me. It’s impossible. You just can’t develop feelings for me. It’s hopeless.’

‘Isn’t that up to me to decide?’ He reached up for the large cafetaire that he kept above the cupboard; he was going to make up a flask for the journey, ‘But no, of course, Dan can’t decide for himself, doesn’t know who he has feelings for and who he doesn’t. No someone else has to decide for poor old Dan.’

A mug fell out of the top cupboard. Dan caught it an threw it straight back in. There was the crash of something breaking.

‘Dan! Be serious. I’m…I’m…well, let’s face it, I’m dead. Why would you want to be with me?’

Dan just carried on making coffee.

‘Dan?’

‘Can you honestly tell me you don’t have feelings for me, Tess?’

This time Dan was pleased to see that Tess was momentarily lost for words.

‘My feelings don’t …’ she began.

‘You can’t tell me you don’t can you?’ he said turning to face her, ‘You see, you can’t can you? Can you?’

Tess said nothing. Dan turned back and finished making the coffee. He started going through the cupboards, picking out the food he was going to take with him and stacking into a large plastic box. He also packed some sharp knives, kitchen roll and plastic bags as well as a bottle of wine and the opened bottle of whisky. He picked up the box to carry it to the car.

Tess moved and blocked his passage.

‘No,’ she said, ‘You’re right, I can’t deny it. And that’s why I have to go. I shouldn’t have stayed at all once I
realised what I was. I was selfish though, I wanted to stay for my reasons. But now I have to go. I can’t trap you in something that’s hopeless.’

‘Who’s to say what’s hopeless?’

‘Oh come on Dan, get real! Dead girl? Certain lack of warmth?’

‘So?’ he said stubbornly.

‘Come on, we’re grown-ups. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: sex. What are we going to do about that? You may be the sweetest guy in the world but I’m pretty certain you’re still a red-blooded, fornicating male underneath.’

‘I turned down sex with a beautiful girl last night for you,’ he muttered.

‘Yeah and that’s just one reason why I think you really do need to go and see someone, a doctor.’

Now it was Dan’s turn to stare open-mouthed.  Then he laughed. ‘You’re calling me crazy?’

Tess’s face was serious.

‘They don’t use that word anymore, but yes, I think you must have a problem.’

Dan shook his head.