Touching the Surface (14 page)

creating
distance

I thought my heart would explode—unable to contain our mutual grief. Without thinking, I launched myself across the bench and engulfed Trevor in my arms. He was racked with sobs and I could barely hold on to him. The truth was tearing him apart from the inside out. I pulled him closer—aware of how painful it was to search within.

Even knowing what I’d done, a part of me was uncomfortable with his confession. As bad as my crime was, it was a careless accident. In a way, his had intent. He hadn’t caused anyone’s death but he’d shaped his relationships with Abby and Oliver. He’d chosen his own path over and over again. I would have given anything to have a brother or a sister. How could he just close them out?

But I knew what it felt like to have someone see past your worst fears about yourself. He’d given me a thread of something to hold on to
and it made him beautiful to me. My hand rubbed slow, even circles of comfort across his back, creating new patterns for us to follow.

•  •  •

We were still standing in my room, cloaked in midnight and wrapped around each other. We stood there, our hearts hammering in unison. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to look him in the eye considering how intimate we’d suddenly become. My knees wobbled and I wondered if he was overcome by the same sensation.

“Elliot, I can’t go to Workshop anymore. I don’t want to do this in front of other people.”

“No, we can’t.”

“I won’t go if you don’t go. Promise not to expose us?”

It was hard to squeeze him tighter, but I certainly tried. “I vow to avoid the Delving chair at all costs. I won’t even buckle if Mel hunts us down and tries to bribe me with chocolate.”

A tiny sigh escaped his lips, warming my scalp. For the briefest moment, I thought about telling him what I’d learned about Oliver. How he’d said that he’d died for me. Wouldn’t it ease Trevor’s mind, to know that there were things in motion that he didn’t have any control over? But even if he wasn’t really to blame, I was. And then we wouldn’t be in this together.

“So, how are we going to do this?” he asked. I could tell
to be your Passenger Trevorsuunderstandhe wanted to Delve again right away and I couldn’t blame him. Hope was addictive.

“Hold that thought. And turn around.” I didn’t know if it would help with finding the answers, but I needed to get out of the Haven. Something was pulling me. I threw on my clothes from before, whipped my hair up into a ponytail, then strode across the room and grabbed his sleeve. I was ready, proactive for a change, and it felt good.

“Let’s go.”

I pulled him out the door with me, expecting him to resist, but surprisingly he followed.

We walked along the edge of the lake side by side for as long as we could, watching the moon dance on the surface of the water. Eventually the rocky landscape became too much, so we broke apart, concentrating on the moonlit rocks we were navigating.

As the terrain became more difficult to maneuver, I had no choice but to lean on Trevor. My fingers grazed his as I reached for the same handhold he was using. His hand fitted into the small of my back as he boosted me up over a fallen tree. We helped each other over obstacle after obstacle, and each touch was a small electric spark in the night.

“Wow, I don’t remember it being this difficult to get up the mountain to the pond earlier today. Do you?” I asked as I blew at a wisp of hair that was tickling my nose.

A rumbling chuckle echoed from behind me.

“What’s so funny? It is harder to navigate at night, you know.”

He reached across the tree that lay between us and tucked the fallen strand of my hair back behind my ear.

“
We
aren’t cocreating,” came his voice, huskier than his laugh.

“Huh?”

I had trouble remembering what we’d been talking about. All I could manage to focus on was how close he was to my face and how his hand lingered.

“You’re doing the creating, I’m just along for the ride.” He waited with his eyebrows raised and a crooked little sideways grin on his face.

“I’m creating this? No, I wouldn’t,” I said in disbelief.

“I know I’m not creating anything at the moment. I’m having too much fun watching what you’re coming up with all on your own.”

“Oh.” I could feel my face becoming hot. The night air, that moments ago had been so cool, was now uncomfortably warm.

“Maybe you made the route difficult so that I’d have to assist you up over every obstacle?”

“I wasn’t thinking at all!” I sputtered.

“I know. That’s what I’m enjoying about it the most,” said Trevor.

“You what?” My voice sounded high-pitched and screechy. As I finally got myself untangled from Trevor and the tree I was straddling, I stepped back and noticed the new lettering that glowed white against the black of his T-shirt:
I REJECT YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN.

I plopped my forehead into my hands. “Okay, Lowry, I get it, you’re messing with me. I’m not completely used to this lack of hostility between us.” I braved a peek and said, “I don’t remember how we—I mean the past-life Elliot and Trevor—were with each other after we learned each other’s darkest fears and failures. Even though want to go back therearhibI I don’t remember it, I have a strange feeling that things between us got a bit better. Maybe we found some hope to hang on to.”

I wondered how big hope could actually grow.

“I don’t remember either,” he said. “But if we base our assumptions about us on what we actually know, you do realize that it’s not pretty.”

He kept his tone light as he said this, but I knew he wasn’t off the mark.

“You’re right.” I plopped down next to him. “It’s crazy.”

I glanced over at Trevor’s tousled hair. I impulsively reached up and ran my fingers through the silky black strands and
squeezed my eyes shut, internally bracing myself. “It might be possible that I—that I wanted you near me.” I didn’t dare peek at him as I made the admission.

I felt his warm breath in my ear. “If I promise to be near you, do you think you could create an easier path up to wherever it is that you’re taking me?”

My eyes popped open. His face was unreadable.

“I can do that. Yeah, I can definitely do that,” I said, grabbing his hand. I had no idea what I was doing, but I decided I didn’t have to think about it. Within moments we found ourselves spiraling into another Delve, hand in hand.

•  •  •

My vision came into focus and I found myself staring up into the canopy of a mature maple tree. The sun was directly overhead and the wind was blowing just enough that bits of light danced everywhere, like water bugs shooting across the surface of a pond.

Lying there, I felt calm. I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t felt dead or dying on the inside. It was like finally breathing after being underwater.

I could feel the cool ground supporting the length of my body. Sparse blades of grass tickled the backs of my knees. My head was propped up on Trevor’s stomach, slowly rising up and down in time to his breathing.

“Do you like it better over here? Not so hot, huh?” came Trevor’s voice.

I turned my head and saw Oliver’s bench gleaming in the hot sun.

“Yeah, this is better,” I said, remembering how we’d sat in the bright white sun all last week, getting to know the very worst things about each other. It was almost as if we’d let the sun bleach away our personal shortcomings.

“What made you think to come over here?” I asked.

“I’m not sure.” He paused long enough that I wasn’t positive he would continue, but he did. “It was your face, I think. Your cheeks were so red and flushed; I was worried that you might pass out from heat stroke. Then who would I talk to while hanging out at the local cemetery?”

I’d spent enough time with him now to know that the teasing sound in his voice would correspond to a twisted little smirk near the corner of his mouth. It was thrilling to finally be able to know some of his nuances.

“Thank you,” I said, return to be your Passenger4OhibI ing to the comfortable silence we’d been sharing. There’d been so many words and tears over the last week. Now it was a quieter time.

The sky was bright blue and the clouds were exquisite. They were billowing and pristine as they rollicked across my line of vision. When they passed across the sun in just the right place, they appeared illuminated from within.

“Do you think it looks like that?” Trevor said.

“Do I think what looks like what?” I asked.

“Heaven.”

How could one word invoke so many mysteries?

“It seems just like I always imagined Heaven. These really are the kind of clouds a Heaven would exist in,” I said.

“That’s what I was thinking, but—” He sucked in a deep breath. “I think that would be too easy. I used to believe that clouds were a fine place for Heaven, until I understood that people could fly above them. It sort of ruined it for me.”

“Did you stop believing in the afterlife?” I asked, a hint of reservation in my voice.

“Not sure exactly. I guess I always figured there’s a place that you go, but I stopped thinking of it being in the clouds. It seems childish to think that way.”

He hadn’t asked anything else, so I allowed him to ruminate.

“Where do you think he is?” The questioned ripped raggedly from the depths of him. He wanted to know about Oliver.

“I don’t know, Trevor. I don’t know the answer to that any more than I know where I’m headed after what I’ve done.” The words skittered shakily, fear catching in my throat.

A cloud passed over the sun, leaving Oliver Lowry’s bench cool, black, and lonely.

•  •  •

There was hardly any disorientation as we came out of this Delve. We were getting used to hurtling around on the space-time continuum. I was still holding Trevor’s hand. We weren’t sprawled across each other on the ground. I wondered if that was significant at all. Were we gaining some control?

“Well, that was interesting,” said Trevor.

“It’s all interesting, but what do you mean exactly?” I gave him a tiny nudge in the ribs, still unsure if he recognized the humor in my voice when I was teasing him.

“I was thinking about us under the tree.”

“Well, it was so much more comfortable under there.”

“So you were comfortable, leaning on me?” He gripped my hand a bit more firmly, maybe guessing that I’d yank it back when he teased.

It was becoming harder to separate the way I’d felt about the boy from my past and the way I responded to Trevor now. It didn’t seem so strange to be holding his hand and smiling at him when moments ago I’d had my head tucked against his chest. This was getting way to be your Passenger4OhibI too weird. I didn’t want to talk about it until I’d had more time to think.

“It was fascinating to watch what was happening from a different perspective,” Trevor continued. “We’d put some distance between ourselves and Oliver’s death.”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. What do you think it means?”

“I think it means that I’m more confused than I was before,” he muttered under his breath. I was ready to second the thought when I heard an out-of-place sound behind me. I whipped my head around in time to see David thundering up the path behind us, the sunrise framing him.

“
Not
an interesting development.” I was pleased that my voice sounded snarky instead of terrified, despite the bull that was charging straight for me. Trevor’s presence gave me a boost of confidence.

Trevor stepped forward, more diplomatic than I’d expected, probably trying to run interference. “Hey, David.” He paused. “You don’t seem like the type who goes out for a stroll.”

David bent over and gave a wheeze while mopping his drippy forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. “I—I was searching for you.” He righted himself and took a deep breath. Then he squinted and a bottle around. I

20

go with
the flow

I wouldn’t have known we’d entered a Delve except that the waterwheel disappeared. One minute it was there and then it was gone. Instead of sitting in the shade, surrounded by ferns and pines, I was perched high in the air with the sun making everything dazzlingly bright.

I attempted to turn my head, but my eyes stayed glued to the endless blue sky painted across my field of vision. This wasn’t my Delve, it was Trevor’s.

Without warning, my gaze shot downward to an immense river. I felt a wave of vertigo at the sudden movement. This was uncomfortable. I had no idea where we were and I could feel Trevor’s body tense up and my stomach roil as I peeked at the water below.

Just as I thought Trevor would tip over, he turned to look at me, the past-life version of me. The sight was shocking. She was glorious. She was sitting on the edge of a granite outcrop, feet dangling aimlessly over the abyss. Her arms
were propped behind her, with her face turned up to the sun. Elliot’s eyes were closed and the sun lit up her hair with a warm caramel glow.