Touching the Surface (25 page)

the be
present

As Trevor’s truck bounced toward the Haven, I saw a crowd of familiar people on the large front porch. Mel, Oliver, Freddie, and David were all gesticulating at each other.

Trevor slid Sally under a large oak tree on the side lawn and we both hopped out. I figured this might be my first test, to see if I could keep that heavenly feeling, even under stress. One look at David, spittle flying out of his mouth onto Mel, confirmed that I was nowhere near my goal of enlightenment.

“David, no one here is against you. We are not trying to get you transferred. What Freddie said was true. You don’t work here.” Mel tried to keep her voice light, but her hands anchored on her hips told a different story.

epilogue

I sat on the wooden rocking chair, feet planted on the railing of the porch that overlooked the lake. I rocked back and forth, the breeze making a soft rustling in the autumn-hued leaves. I was musing about the effects of fall, a season that seemed to encompass both beginnings and endings at the same time.

I’d never seen the Obmil so stable: tranquil, even. Someone somewhere always had a patch or two of autumn, but the other seasons were equally present too. For the first time in my memory, everyone was on the same page, poised between the end of something o to be your Passenger throughhiI bit my lipld and the start of something new.

Julia’s letter was in my lap. I’d read it a dozen times. It had been on my pillow, folded in the shape of a giant paper crane and surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of little cranes. I counted
them—nine hundred and ninety-nine. At first I thought it was a sick joke until I realized that the last crane Julia had given me was in my pocket. One thousand paper cranes. It was a good sign.

I smoothed the folds of the letter and started reading. I wanted to memorize and internalize the words, so I would never again doubt someone I loved that much.

Dear Elliot,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. My hope is that we’ve already fixed things between us, but I still owe you an apology. I’m not sure what drove me to need more; I only know that there was more need and I couldn’t seem to find a way to fill it. I was trying to search my soul, and every time I looked, all I could see was you.

Remember our last stop at the Basin, where you wanted me to be your Passenger and I refused? I think you now realize that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to do that for you, it was because I wanted you to do that for me. But I didn’t know how to ask. If I was your Passenger, then who would be mine after you’d figured out the growth plan for your soul, the purpose of your life? I was afraid that you’d move on without me, so I thought it might be better to leave you first.

It was a stupid mistake. I realize now that, like heaven
and hell, invisibility is a choice too. I chose to never be seen and to never be heard. Then I blamed you for that. I also blamed my mother in my last life. She was strong-willed and abusive, and even if I’d stood up to her, it might not have changed anything. She would have worked even harder to dominate me. But it doesn’t matter whether I would have won that fight. In the end I didn’t even try to fly free. Instead I starved myself until no one could see me. I used anorexia to help me disappear, and I had the odd satisfaction of finally controlling something in the process. It felt good in the moment, but I starved my soul the same way I starved my body.

When I arrived at the Obmil for the third time, a failure once again, something snapped. All I could think about was breaking habits and changing patterns. I didn’t want to be stuck and invisible anymore. I wanted more than what was on the surface. Determined to make sweeping change, I turned everything upside down. I wasn’t going to leave any stone unturned. It all had to change: even you.

I now know that like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, I had the power all along. I just needed to look inside.

There are lots of things I did that hurt you—like kissing Trevor. We were both so needy. I just want you to know, it was never like that with us. There was a connection, and
I suspect maybe it was because we’d both been suicides. Taking your own life, quickly or slowly, leaves a bruise. We recognized that, even though we weren’t sure what made us so protective of each other. And, of course, we both loved you. He’s got a good heart. You’re perfect for each other.

There are worse things I want to regret about what happened between us, but I’m not going to do it. Part of being visible is showing the bad along with the good and trusting that the people who love you will still love you after they’ve seen it all. No more regrets.

I’m already starting to feel the pull. My time here i want to go back thereac quis over and I can’t stop myself from needing to go. How do I explain it so you’ll understand?

I’ve always felt dominated. It’s been my issue, but I’m learning that the things that challenge us have a purpose. I’ve been controlled and now I’ve finally discovered how to be in control, but I’ve never lost control. I’ve never trusted my instincts, abandoned my head, and followed my heart. I’ve never stepped foot into that place between falling and flying. My gut tells me that we don’t soar in a straight line. Like your eagles, we fly in gorgeous loops. Sometimes it will appear like I’m flying out ahead of you, too far to reach. But all it takes is one small change in perspective and then I’m following you instead. We’re a circle, you
and I—no, better yet, we’re a Mobius strip. One side, one edge—and if you try to separate us, cut us into two, we don’t fall apart, we simply make a bigger version of what we already are.

I have faith that the time I’ve spent with you has only touched the surface. I’ll see you soon.

Love~

Julia

I clutched the note to my heart and turned my attention to Sally, now parked in the front driveway. David was helping pack Oliver’s favorite tools in a container in the truck’s bed, and Freddie was checking the oil under the hood. The very act of it was just silly—neither Oliver’s tools nor Sally would be traveling far, since objects don’t transfer across time and space.

I fingered my eagle charm, knowing that it, too, would disappear when I moved on to the next leg of my journey, at the Basin. It was daunting to know that I’d acquired so much here, and, like my talisman, all I would eventually have left would be an echo of what I’d learned. I wasn’t even sure if I would have the people I loved. Julia was sure, so maybe she was right to go first. I could ride in her tailwind.

I rocked faster. It didn’t make sense that in my next life I
would be forced to rediscover my old enlightenments and tack on an extra few for good measure.

“Now you can see why I stayed here so long—too long,” Mel said as she slipped into the rocker next to me, her chair quickly matching my pace.

But I didn’t see. “Why
did
you stay here so long? You still haven’t told me, and it’s been weeks since we convinced David that he was really an out-of-work, middle-aged man in denial.”

I couldn’t help but feel the greatest affection for him now. The change had been miraculous. It hadn’t been an easy transition. He had so many insecurities and emotional walls to breach, but like an abused animal, he had slowly begun to trust again.

“You did wonders with him,” Mel commented, moving her gaze to David and Oliver joking around together in the back of Trevor’s truck.

“I think Oliver’s been the key, not me. The golden boy just has that effect on people.”

“No denying it, Oliver has been a gift to him, but without you, it never would have happened. You figured out that David’s ugliness was just a manifestation of his pain.” Mel reached over and squeezed my hand.

“It was the most obvious thing I’ve ever figured out. I don’t know why it took me so long to understand.”

“You figured it out before me to be your Passenger” lo before,” Mel said, releasing my hand and smoothing out her skirt.

“At least you’ve always been kind. My behavior was ugly and mean.”

“I’ve been kind because it benefited me. It was my crutch.”

“What’s wrong with that? Kindness is good no matter how you arrive at it.”

“I don’t think you’re wrong, but my helpfulness here at the Obmil was a kind of selfishness. I had motives for my actions.”

“Can you tell me?” I asked again.

“No.”

It was hard to keep the hurt from my voice. “Why not? I’ve shared everything with you. You can trust me.”

“I know I can trust you, Elliot. It’s not that at all.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

“I just don’t know the answer. I’ve never Delved. I have no idea why I’m here, what I’m avoiding.”

The wide wood floor planks creaked. Our rocking chairs were no longer in perfect synchronicity. I stared out over the calm water, feeling my heart sink. So it was for sure. Mel and Freddie would not be leaving the Obmil with Trevor, Oliver, and me today. I had been hoping that Mel would secretly be ready to walk away from here.

“I’m going to do it. After you kids leave, I’m going to
start Delving. I’m finally going to engage with my past. I’ll get Freddie out of here.”

I could see she meant her words but there was a tinge of something else in her face that made me wonder.

“Listen, I’ll go tell Trevor that we’re going to delay our exit. We can stay while you Delve and help get you through it, and then we can all take off together. The pull hasn’t been that bad up until now.”

Mel shook her head, tucking wild curls out of the way as she did so.

“Elliot, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want you here.”

It was like a fist to the gut.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. I can’t do it, sweetie. I can’t have another soul held up because I’ve been incapacitated by my own fears.”

I started to protest, to say how much I didn’t mind, but Mel put up her finger to stop me.

“It’s more than that. I have to do this by myself. I need to start fresh. I’m going to disappear for a little bit, so that I can reinvent myself. When I get back, the people who thought of me as a guide will have moved on. I’ll be free to come back here as a Third Timer. A real Third Timer, ready to engage in what I’ve avoided for so long.”

I understood it perfectly, but the idea of it seemed to burn me from the inside out.

“When will I see you again?” I choked out. “I don’t want to lose you.” The tears came freely now.

“My sweet girl, you can’t lose me. That is the one thing I am sure of. I know that my love for you can and will travel through time and space.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“I
want
you to stay. I
need
you to leave.”

I nodded. to be your Passenger” lo before

“Besides, you’ll still be with me—just like you’ll still have your necklace—even when you can’t hold it in your hand. You know, I gave you that shortly before you exited the Obmil as a First Timer.”

I grabbed for the charm and tried to mask my surprise. I’d been too preoccupied with other things to figure out that mystery.

“It’s all right.” Mel snorted. “Trevor was a distraction.”

“I was a what?” He was close behind me. Knowing he was there sent a shiver up my spine.

“None of your business, Lowry,” I said, giving him a playful swat.

“Everything about you is my business, Turner.”

I blushed twice, knowing Mel had heard.

“I’m going to check on Freddie,” she answered. “Someone has to do an intervention. If he gives Oliver another tool to pack, you’ll need to be towed out of the Obmil.”

I felt my heart tighten, knowing I was going to be leaving someone else I loved behind.

“I’ll see you kids in a little bit,” Mel said as she walked lightly across the porch and out into the sun. Her hair glowed with the same vibrancy as the autumn leaves.

I stood and Trevor wrapped me in a big bear hug.

“It’ll be okay.”

“How do you know?” My words were muffled in his shirt.

“I know because that’s what you taught me.”

“Me?” I pulled my head back. I couldn’t believe I used to despise him.

He kissed the top of my head. “If you could just see yourself you’d understand.”

I wanted more tangible proof but I knew he wouldn’t give it to me.

“We could stay?” he offered.

“No, we can’t,” I said, knowing that Julia and Mel had been right all along. For the first time, a small thrill of anticipation washed over me. I had no idea what was out there, no one here did, but it didn’t matter. I was acting on faith, and for the first time, it wasn’t faith in some unknown entity, it was faith in
myself. I could almost feel my inner compass stop spinning wildly and start pointing to my true north. I had grown, and much to my surprise, I was really starting to like this new me.

Trevor cleared his throat and I glanced up at him again. He hesitated, seeming as if he had something to ask.

“What?”

He fiddled around with the belt loop on his jeans.

“After all we’ve been through together, now you get shy?” I grabbed the loop and pulled him closer.

“Do you remember that Delve when you had picked Oliver instead of me to be your Passenger?”

I was unsure of what he wanted to know.

His face was serious. “Why do you think you didn’t pick me? I would have given everything to you too.”

I opened my mouth and closed it again. It sounded so superficial to say that one look from him made my pulse race, and I was gambling that I might have more of that.

“I know it’s stupid to ask. I was just wondering why I came up short—compared to Oliver.”

He was breaking my heart.

I hugged him tight and whispered, “Maybe you can’t kiss a Passenger?”

“But you did kiss him.”

“Not for very long . . .”

I could feel him relax, melt into me.

“Then I’m not signing up to be your Passenger in our next life either,” he said, his lips catching mine.

•  •  •

We walked slowly over to the truck. Mel was hugging Oliver, and David had started helping Freddie with the vehicle maintenance. It was bittersweet seeing them like this. I walked up to Freddie and grabbed him around the middle, not even trying to come up with the words. I inhaled his mix of root beer and motor oil that was so oddly comforting.