Toys and Baby Wishes (10 page)

Josh's thumbs pressed into Lexa's shoulders as he pushed her
back on the sofa and followed her down.  Her hair filtered through his fingers
as he angled his mouth for greater access.  But kissing wasn't enough.  To have
her in his arms naked, her legs intertwined with his was a fantasy he had
entertained since the day they'd met.  Josh couldn't quell the rush of fire to
his groin.  He leaned toward the inside of the couch so his fingers could
unfasten her blouse buttons.  He separated the material, unhitched the clasp on
her bra, and with shaking fingers cupped her breast in his hand.

He unsealed his lips from hers and cascaded kisses across
her chin, down her throat.  Desire made his voice raspy.  "God, Lexa. 
You're so soft."

His words were a fiery crackle in her ear.  She stretched
into his hand, craving his touch.  His implacable maleness provoked her hands
to canvas his back, explore his definition as his body pressed fervently into
hers.

Josh's desire became uncontrolled, as wild as a hurricane's
winds.  He wanted more.  His pulse throbbed as he tasted one nipple.  Lexa
gasped and murmured his name.  His knee slipped between her legs as his hand
danced across her midriff.  When she arched up against him, Josh's fingers unsnapped
her jeans.  His breathing was ragged from wanting her, needing her, wanting and
needing to love her.  He needed to fill her and make her his.  Maybe whatever
she was holding back would disappear in the wake of their passion.  He needed
her uninhibited response that would tell him she cared for him as much as he
cared for her.  He had thought he could control the hunger she awakened in him,
but he couldn't.  He rubbed against her so she'd know exactly what she was
doing, what he wanted and needed to quench the raging inferno she was inciting.

They would scale the heights of passion together.  The first
time they made love would be unforgettable, he'd make sure of that.  He stroked
her cheek with a shaky hand.  "Lexa, let me make love to you.  Sweetheart,
I want to love you."

Lexa's nerves were overloading with sensations until she
felt as if she'd explode.  How would it feel to have him deep within?  She
wanted his love.  She wanted all of him with a need too encompassing to deny. 
But not now, not yet.

Doubts rose like specters, shadowing what she was feeling. 
If he wanted more time, if he wanted her to drop her volunteer work, how would
he feel about time spent with a child, one that wasn't biologically his?  When
he knew there might not be any biological children...  She needed time to think
this through, time when she wasn't under the spell of the excitement and
passion between them.

Lexa closed her eyes, took a breath, and said,
"No."

Her answer didn't compute immediately.  Apparently Josh had
expected her to say "yes."

"I'm not ready."  She could barely choke out the
words, but she knew she had to.

"No?" Josh was breathing raggedly.  "What are
you afraid of?"

Him, the passion between them, the future.  "I'm just
not ready, Josh."  She wriggled, attempting to pull out from under him.

"Lexa, stay still.  I need a minute or two."

Lexa went still, afraid to breathe, afraid she'd make the
situation even more awkward than it was.

When Josh shoved himself up and sat on the edge of the sofa,
his head in his hands, she managed, "Josh, I'm sorry."

His gaze sharpened as he gained control.  Unspent passion
gave a hard edge to his voice when he raised his head.  "I don't want you
to be sorry.  I want to know what's wrong.  You want this as much as I do.  Why
won't you let it happen?"

She lowered her eyes, refastened her bra with fumbling
fingers and began buttoning her blouse.  "I can't.  Not yet."

Pressure built like a sneeze that couldn't be stifled. 
Josh's angry frustration exploded.  "Dammit, Lexa, why not?"

She met the question with, "Don't be angry."

He ravaged her with his eyes.  "I'm not angry!  I'm
frustrated with taking it nice and sweet and slow.  We're adults and we should
both know what we want.  I know what I want.  Do you?"

Her hands fluttered. "We haven't been together long
enough.  If you're already beginning to resent the way I spend my spare time,
what will you feel later?  After I have a child?"

He spoke reasonably in a measured tone.  "We need all
the time we can get together now.  Don't you see that?"

"I see that you want me to stop doing what's important
to me."

Josh stood and paced over to the mantle.  When he turned
around, he regarded her steadily.  "I don't want you to stop.  I want you
to let up.  I want to know how you feel about me and what you feel about
me."

Her brown eyes pleaded with him to understand.  "It's
too soon."

Now he was angry and he couldn't keep it from showing. 
"Do you even know what you feel?  Do you want to feel love?  Or is it that
you have so much compassion to give everyone else you have no feelings left for
me?  Is that it?"

She dropped her eyes to her lap.  "No, that's not it. 
Of course I have feelings for you."

"Then stop square-dancing around them and tell me what
they are!"

Josh was so sure of himself and so sure what he felt.  What
would happen when she threw him a curve?  A curve he might not want or like or
be able to field.  No children.  She couldn't have children.  Why wouldn't the
words come out?  She felt her emotions welling up, coming much too close to the
surface.  She was tired and still shaky from their near accident.  "Josh,
I think you'd better go."

His gaze locked to hers.  "If I go, we can't talk; we
can't solve any problems."

"I need some time."  The rigidity of his posture
scared her.  "Josh, please try to understand."

He crossed to her and looked down.  "I don't
understand.  I want a relationship.  A commitment.  I'm not sure we're any
nearer to that now than the first day we met.  You can't put feelings on hold
as if they don't exist.  How are we going to get close if you won't share your
time or your passion with me?  You have some hard thinking to do.  While you're
thinking, you'd better decide if you want to put as much energy into your own
life as you put into everyone else's."  He grabbed his coat and dived into
it as if it were the enemy.

Disappointment lined his brow as he gave her a last hard
look and left without a good-bye.  It wasn't until she heard the motor start
that Lexa remembered her bicycle was still in his truck.

CHAPTER SIX

Lexa told herself it was better this way.  Yes, she'd fallen
in love with Josh.  But her life had too many complications for a man to
accept.  Josh had proven that, hadn't he?  Dang it, she had to stop thinking
about Josh.  The best way to do that, was to do something else, like going to
see Ted Stanley.

But how could she get his fingerprints?  Looking for ideas,
she took her scarf out of her purse and dumped the rest of its contents onto
the desk.  Then she smiled.

Half an hour later, she hoped that smile was innocent and
relaxed as she looked across Ted Stanley's desk.  Even if he wasn't trying to
swindle his clients, she didn't like him.  He was too slick; his answers came
too easily.  When she had called for an appointment, he had been obliging, saying
he could fit her in right away.  He was being obliging now, explaining exactly
what he could do with the sum in her savings account.

As if considering his suggestions seriously, she said,
"Those stocks sound viable, but I'm afraid they're risky with economic
conditions being what they are.  You know, the trade deficit and all
that."

Ted Stanley's eyes narrowed as if considering Lexa in a new
light.  "I must commend you, Ms. Kittredge.  You know more about finances
than any woman I've ever met."

She let her lashes flutter down demurely.  "Thank you,
Mr. Stanley.  I read a lot."

He eyed her legs as she crossed them.  "I'm not sure
you need a financial planner.  You seem to know what you want.  There are
online trading companies..."

She had to be careful.  He was beginning to get suspicious. 
"I don't know everything, and I've always believed two heads are better
than one."

"Usually," he replied succinctly, letting his eyes
slide again from her head to her toes.

She didn't like his bold stares but it wouldn't be wise to
alienate him.  Not until she got what she came for.  "I know I'm probably
being silly, but being a single woman, I feel I have to prepare for my future. 
I thought maybe you could give me some hints about IRA's or annuities and which
will pay off best in the long term."

After he had explained two and not mentioned Leisureville,
she said, "A few of the senior citizens were telling me about investments
in a retirement community."

His almost black eyes narrowed and he looked at her warily. 
His answer was suave.  "That essentially is a shorter term investment for
five to ten years.  If you're considering your retirement, you need something
different."

"I see."  It was time to end the meeting before
she sunk in deeper than she could handle.  As she stood, she concluded,
"I'll certainly think about everything you've explained."  When she
reached across his desk and extended her hand, she accidentally dropped her
purse and its contents spilled out.

"Oh, I'm sorry!"  She reached for her wallet and
stuffed it in.  "You know what they say about women carrying everything
but the kitchen sink."

Stanley picked up a mirror and a lipstick and was going to
hand them to her, but she opened her purse wide to let him drop them inside. 
After he did, she extended her hand again and shook his.  "Thanks again. 
I'll get back to you when I decide what I want to do."  After a nod and a
good-bye, she left his office.

Once outside, she heaved a sigh of relief.  She had his
fingerprints.  Now all she had to do was send them to Josh's friend.  If she
didn't see Josh again, she'd have to take care of it herself.

Lunch held no appeal as she sat at her desk again, trying
not to think about Josh, but not doing a very good job of it.  She'd pushed a
stack of papers from the left side of the desk to the right when her secretary
came in and laid a package on her blotter.

When Joanne went back to her office, Lexa tore off the white
bow and unwrapped the bright blue paper, lifting the lid on the box, wondering
who could have sent it.  Once in a while a client sent her a thank you box of
candy...

She pulled the tissue back carefully and blinked her eyes. 
It was a stuffed doll about twelve inches high, with scraggly bright red hair
that stood out like a wild halo.  The doll's black eyes were crossed, the mouth
drawn in a pout.  Lexa picked up the note that was tucked into the doll's
overalls.

Lexa, did I look like this last night?  I'm sorry about the
temper tantrum.  I want to make love to you, but only when you're ready.  Can
we talk?

Love, Josh.

Tears misted in Lexa's eyes as she reached for the phone and
dialed the Toy Tank.  She gave her name to the person who answered, asked for
Josh, and waited without thinking about what she was going to say.  "Love,
Josh."  Could he mean that?

"Lexa?"  Josh's deep baritone rumbled through the
wire.

"Hi, Josh.  I...I got the package," she said
softly.

"Well, does he look like me?"

She laughed.  "Not quite."

"Whew!  I'm glad to hear it.  When I got home last
night and looked in the mirror, that's what I saw."

"Josh, it wasn't your fault.  I should have...  I'd
like to talk to you tonight."

"Where would you like to go?"

"How about my place?  I'll make us a late dinner."

"What can I bring?"

"Just yourself."

Lexa settled on a time with Josh and hung up.  Now all she
had to do was get through the rest of the day, make dinner and figure out
exactly how she was going to tell Josh what she had to tell him.

***

Josh gave himself a talking to as he walked up to Lexa's
front door.  He was experienced enough to know that sex was no good without
love and trust.  When a man and a woman made love, they were both at their most
vulnerable physically and emotionally.  Naked bodies released naked emotions. 
Was Lexa afraid to have her emotions released?  Was she afraid he wouldn't love
Dani's child?  Or did she really need more time to decide if he was worth as
much if not more time than her crusades?

He rang Lexa's doorbell deciding he wasn't going to throw
away what he and Lexa were building because of a few hormones.  A few, huh?  He
was going to be a gentleman, a perfect gentleman.  If it killed him.

When Lexa opened the door, she looked as vulnerable as he'd
ever seen her.  Her eyes were wide with questions, with anxiety?  What was she
so afraid of?

He didn't want her to be afraid, certainly not of him or
what he felt for her.

She led him inside.  "Supper will be ready in a little
while.  I..."

"Lexa?"

She turned and faced him.  He approached her slowly. 
"I'm sorry.  I don't want to pressure you.  I know you have a lot on your
mind, especially the baby."

She smiled then, so sweetly his stomach practically turned
over.  "I want us to spend more time together.  But I don't know how much
my life's going to change.  I'm not sure what I should cut out, and what I
should keep."

He stroked her cheek.  "Let me be a part of the
changes."

Tears came to her eyes and there was no way he could keep
from taking her in his arms.  He tried to be gentle and easy.  But Lexa's
response drove gentle and easy from his mind.  The kiss became forceful, his
tongue demanding, telling her how much he wanted her.  She answered the demand
with demands of her own.  Her hands roamed his back over this sweatshirt
restlessly, seeking more intimacy.  She arched against him, meeting the thrust
of his desire.  He was almost gone.