Trace + Olivia Series Boxed Set (133 page)

“I don’t know,” he scrubbed a hand over his face, “how about at the beginning.” I noticed that his eyes were tired, like he hadn’t been getting much sleep. His cheeks were scruffier and his hair had gotten longer, curling at the ends.

“Well,” I bit my lip, “I-I got pregnant.”

“Yeah, I figured out that part,” he rolled his eyes, tapping his fingers nervously along the top of the chair.

“Who-who was she?” I forced the words out of my mouth. I needed to know who the girl was that he had been with before I continued. “Is she your girlfriend?”

“Huh?” His brows furrowed together. “Who? Oh—” His face lit with recognition. “That was Kelsey,” his tone was soft, not harsh like it had been. “She lives down the hall. We’re friends. That’s all.”

My eyes closed as relief flooded my body. It had been tearing my insides apart to think he’d moved on so quickly.

“I shouldn’t have asked,” I whispered, my eyes reluctantly meeting his, “but I needed to know.”

“Rowan,” he said my name slowly, “I might be angry at you right now, but I’m
not
that kind of guy.”

I nodded. “So… I guess I better… uh… explain.”

“That is why you came here, isn’t it?” He questioned, sarcasm lacing his tone. I wanted the sweet Trent back from the moment before.

“Well,” I rubbed my sweaty palms over the fabric of my jeans, “I-I found out I was pregnant,” I swallowed thickly. “I’d already pushed you away before that. It scared the crap out of me when you told me that you loved me,” I admitted. “I knew you meant what you said, but I didn’t believe in love. My mom, who should love me, only hurt me. I thought if you loved me you’d only hurt me in the end too. I was scared and I wanted to avoid that.” I took a deep breath, gazing at the ceiling for a moment as I gathered my thoughts. There was a water stain there and I stared at it as I counted. “When I found out I was pregnant… I’ve never been so frightened in my entire life. I was just a kid myself, Trent, and so were you!” I exclaimed furiously. “I was already raising my little sister. I didn’t see how I could take care of a baby too.” Wetness coated my cheeks. I had never told anyone this, and it was liberating to finally tell the truth. “I had been so mean to you, after what we did and I thought you had to hate me by that point. Besides, you were a sixteen year old guy, why the hell would you want a baby?” I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “I felt so alone. So
alone
,” my voice cracked. “My relationship with my mom was already pretty much non-existent, but some part of me believed she could make it all better. Boy, was I wrong.”

Trent’s eyes never wavered from my face as I purged myself of my sins.

“She wanted me to get an abortion,” I admitted, looking at the tiled floor. “I couldn’t do that, Trent. I couldn’t kill our baby.” Tears stung my eyes but I dammed them back. Tears were a sign of weakness, and the last thing I needed was to be vulnerable in front of him. “So, she suggested that she adopt the baby. I thought that was the best option.”

I took a moment to catch my breath, counting to ten in my head before I continued.

“I was so, so wrong,” I shook my head, wringing my fingers together. “Tristan doesn’t know I’m his mom.”

Mom
.

I was his mom.

I hadn’t ever allowed myself to refer to myself as his mom before, but I was.

“The contract I signed for the adoption,” I paused, momentarily overcome by sadness, “he can’t know anything until he’s eighteen. Once I signed that, I knew there was no way I could tell you.”

“Why not?” He growled. “I would’ve fought for him! I would’ve gotten our son back!” He yelled, his chest heaving. “I wouldn’t have let him suffer with that wretched woman! I may not know your mother, but I know enough to understand that she is the
last
person that should have custody of our child!”

“I know that, now,” I whispered. “I regret it so much.” I couldn’t contain my sob. “
Every day
for the last five years, I’ve had to live with what I’ve done. It’s
killed
me to live with this. You don’t know what it’s been like!” My whole body shook with the force of my emotions.

“Of course I don’t,” he tore angrily at his hair, “because I didn’t fucking know!”

“I can’t take back what I did, Trent,” I whispered, unable to look at him. “What’s done is done, and I have to suffer for my decision for the rest of my life.”

“How did you hide it?” He asked.

“Huh?” I was confused of his meaning.

“We went to school together. I saw you five days a week and I never knew you were pregnant. I didn’t even suspect it. How did you hide it?” He repeated his question, looking straight at me, daring me to look away.

“I-I always wore baggy shirts, and I didn’t get that big. So, it was easy to hide,” I stammered, my hands wringing together with nervousness.

“When you were out with mono for like two months, that’s when you had him isn’t it?”

I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip.

“Did anyone else, except your mom, know you were pregnant?” He continued to fire questions at me. I had expected this, but they were still hard to answer.

“Just my mom and Jim, my step-dad,” I shrugged. “And Ivy, my sister, was too little to remember.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asked, rubbing his face, and his voice suddenly sounded exhausted.

“Of course,” I gasped, offended that he thought I’d take this secret to the grave. “I had to wait until Tristan turned eighteen, but I was going to tell you. Please, never doubt that, Trenton.”

“I just… I don’t know what to think of you,” he scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face. “I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to tell me when you found out. I told you that I loved you! I would’ve loved our son too! Fuck,” he groaned, burying his face in his hands, “I already love him and I don’t even know him. I’ve only seen him once,” his voice grew soft, his eyes far away. “I-I want to see him again,” his gaze met mine with a steely determination.

“No,” I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you see him.”

His face reddened. “He’s my
son
, I deserve to see him!” He exploded with anger and I was surprised he didn’t jump up from the chair and storm across the small space towards me.

“He can’t know. Oh God, he can’t know,” I repeated, my fight or flight senses kicking in, meaning I was about ten seconds away from running out the door.

“Jesus Christ, Rowan!” He exclaimed, making me jump. “I’m not asking you to tell him that I’m his dad! I just want to see him! I want to talk to him, please,” his tone softened as he begged. “When I saw him… everything was such a shock that I don’t even really remember what he looks like.”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, my hands shaking. “My mom—”

“You can let me know when your mom’s gone and I can come over then,” he interrupted me. “I know you’re…” he trailed off. “Anyway, she doesn’t have to be around.”

“She never leaves,” I mumbled, picking at my fingernail so I didn’t have to look at him. I’d looked at him all I could stand. It hurt too much seeing him. I’d suffered enough pain, I didn’t need to add to it.

“Then meet me somewhere with him. Please,” he begged, his eyes pleading with me to give in.

“I don’t know if I can,” I bit my lip. “Tristan might say something, and if it gets back to my mom…” Bad things would happen. Things Trent couldn’t, and wouldn’t, protect me from.

“Fine,” he ground out through his teeth. “Don’t let me see him.”

He stood, pushing the chair back against his desk with a calmness I knew he didn’t really possess. “I think you should leave now,” he whispered with his back to me.

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me.

I stood, laying the book on the bed. “That’s… that’s for you,” I said slowly, as he peeked around at me.

He swallowed thickly, turning around fully, and his eyes landed on the photo album.

“I was making it for you,” I squeaked. “It’s… it’s pictures of Tristan from when he was born, till now. I was going to fill it until he was eighteen and knew the truth, and then give it to you. But seeing as you know the truth now,” I lifted my shoulders in a small shrug, “I don’t see the point in keeping it.”

He didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t mistake the telltale glimmer of tears in his eyes. I hated that I had hurt him. I had been a naïve child, and put my trust in a woman that had never given me a reason to trust her before. I had been foolish. I couldn’t take back that fateful decision, and I was stuck living with the consequences. I always knew that if Trent ever saw Tristan he’d see the resemblance, so there was never any chance of us having a relationship. I had let myself get tangled up in him again, though, because I couldn’t help myself when it came to Trent.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to put one foot in front of the other so I could leave. I stopped with my hand on the doorknob, unable to make myself twist it.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I refused to turn and look at Trent, but I had to get this off my chest. He deserved to know my true feelings, even though it was too late for us.

I bit down on my lip until I tasted blood.

Our breaths were the only sound in the otherwise quiet room. Time appeared to stand still as I prepared to say three very important words.

I swallowed thickly and didn’t bother to look at him. I couldn’t bear to stare at his angry face as I finally spoke these words out loud.

My eyes closed, and I murmured, “I love you, Trent.”

He gasped.

And with that, I swung open the door, tears falling from my eyes as I ran away from everything.

“Rowan, are you okay?” Tatum asked, her blonde hair falling forward as she leaned across the table to peer at my face.

I didn’t answer her.

Was I okay?

Yes.

No.

I suppose.

I don’t know.

Did it matter if I was okay or not?

“I think she’s comatose,” Jude piped in, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

I didn’t blink.

“Should I get someone?” Tatum whispered to Jude, but I heard her.

I must have looked bad if those two were speaking civilly to one another. They bickered like an old married couple. Well, Tatum did. Jude usually just smirked at her as she went on a tirade about what a man whore he was.

“I dunno,” Jude shrugged, tilting his head and squinting.

“You’re the one that’s studying to be nurse,” she smacked his shoulder. “You should know if we need to call someone.”

Jude grinned. “It pleases me that you know what I’m studying.”

“Oh, down boy,” she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest, “stop fluffing your damn peacock feathers. I only know what you’re studying, because it’s the same as Rowan.”

Jude rolled his eyes. “Liar. You know you go home and stalk me on Facebook. I bet you lick your computer screen when you see pictures of me shirtless,” he licked his lips suggestively. “Ow!” He exclaimed, rubbing the back of his head where Tatum had swatted him.

“Focus,” Tatum hissed. “I’m really worried about her.”

I frowned. I hated that I was worrying them, but I had nothing to say.

“Look,” Tatum pointed to me, “did you see that? She moved her face.”

Jude rolled his eyes. “She’s not fucking dead, Tate, of course she can move her face.”

“Don’t you ever call me Tate,” she seethed, loud enough that several people in the library shushed her.

Jude raised his hands in mock surrender. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t know I couldn’t.”

“Only my
friends
,” she emphasized, “can call me Tate.”

“Oh, so we’re not friends?” He grinned, propping his head in his hand and pushing the beanie he wore up his forehead a bit.

“We’re not
anything
,” she countered, glaring at him.

“We’ll see about that,” he chuckled under his breath.

Watching those two argue was like watching a really competitive tennis match play out. “Will you guys shut up?” I snapped.

“Finally!” Jude tossed his hands dramatically in the air. “She speaks!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not mute,” I muttered.

“What’s going on with you?” Tatum asked, her lips turning down in a frown. “You haven’t been yourself for like two months now. I mean, it’s not like you’re normally a peppy person, but you’re not normally this… depressing either.”

“I’ve had a lot going on,” I muttered, looking down at the book I should have been reading.

“Rowan,” Tatum continued, “we’re your friends.” I wanted to laugh at how she reluctantly said,
we’re
. She didn’t like that Jude was my friend too and was hanging around all the time. “You can talk to us.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I sighed. “Honestly.”

“Did something happen with Trent?” She questioned, refusing to let up.

I flinched. Even hearing his name was painful. I hadn’t heard from him since the day I left his apartment a month ago. I told him I loved him, and he did nothing. Not that I was expecting him to run after me, kiss me passionately, and take me back. I knew that was silly, but selfishly I had expected something. A call, a text,
something
. But I got a whole lot of nothing.