Tracie Peterson (44 page)

Deirdre sniffed back tears and let her head rest on the back of the couch. “Just tell me this, Grammy. When will it stop hurting so much?”

Mattie said nothing for several moments, causing Deirdre to lift her head. “Grammy?”

“I was just thinking about your question. In some ways, I’m sorry to say, it still hurts. But in other ways, God has filled those empty places with such warmth and love. He gave me you girls and that made my life so much more worth living. But He also gave me His peace and assurance that He would never forsake me. And that, more than anything, is what I continue to cling to. You must find your strength in Him. Just be open to whatever manner He chooses to provide it. Whether it’s from the Bible or your family or even a complete stranger. God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes in ways that seem perfectly logical to us, and sometimes in ways that seem so convoluted and foreign that we wonder if we have somehow miscommunicated the situation to Him. As if He didn’t already know our need.”

Deirdre found solace in Grammy’s words. “I just wish this had never happened. Not only for me, but for Morgan. She’s hurting so much, and although I’ve tried to talk to her, to reassure her, she doesn’t even seem to hear me.”

Mattie nodded. “Then let your actions reassure her. She’s just lost half of the stability she had known in her life. Not only that, but she said something harsh to Dave, and in her child’s mind she probably believes it impossible to be forgiven.”

“I only wish Dave would have addressed that in his letter to me,” Deirdre said rather absentmindedly. Then with a start, she jumped up from the couch and pulled the white envelope from her suitcase. She glanced over the letter for what must have been the twentieth time and smiled. “Of course,” she murmured, then looked to Mattie. “He did address it. He says right here, ‘I will always love you and Morgan.’ It’s the last thing he says in the letter. It may not deal with the words exchanged on that day, but maybe it will be enough to give Morgan encouragement and the understanding that she was forgiven.”

Mattie nodded. “There’s a great healing in forgiveness.”

Deirdre clutched the letter close. “This whole family could use a heavy dose of forgiveness. We desperately need to heal.”

“I think the healing has already begun, Deirdre,” Mattie told her granddaughter with a content, peaceful look on her face.

Deirdre realized she was probably right. She had seen the way her sisters had come together on her behalf. She had listened to their words and feelings and knew that something was greatly different from the last time they’d come together. Rachelle’s funeral had been a time of tearing down, of rending the hearts and souls of those she had betrayed and left behind. Dave’s funeral, however, had brought them together in a loving way of support. Perhaps the time of rending had concluded. Perhaps now was the time to put the pieces back together.

Chapter 39

Weeds had taken hold in Mattie’s flower gardens. It was amazing how much damage could be done in such a short time. She knelt on the ground, pulling at the strangling vines until she’d freed her flowers. It reminded her of the girls and the hold bitterness had taken in their lives. They were all experiencing a weeding of sorts, and she could see that the results were varied. Just like her flower bed.

She glanced heavenward for a moment. The only constant in her life had been her heavenly Father. Mattie had to admit that, in all honesty, she didn’t understand why things had happened the way they had, but her love for God had never wavered. He had seen her through too many storms and had repaired her lovingly after each and every battle. Her faith told her implicitly that He would continue to be worthy of her trust.

Returning her attention to her flowers, Mattie delighted in her gardening. Like God, it was one of the constants in her life. She took joy in her flowers like she did in nothing else. While the vegetable gardens provided food and nourishment for the body, her flowers provided food for the soul. She delighted in their delicate artistry.

She was delighted, too, that some of her girls were home again. Ashley and her boys were staying for the rest of the summer, and while Mattie knew there was a deep, secret hurt in Ashley’s life, she also felt confident that sooner or later Ashley would share her heart.

Deirdre and Morgan seemed right at home. Morgan still refused to speak, which was a constant concern to Mattie, but Deirdre didn’t want to rush the child and refused to seek counsel.
Mattie prayed constantly for them, hoping she could somehow find a way to help Morgan release her hurt. Ultimately, however, she knew they were both in God’s hands.

When her knees would no longer take the pressure, Mattie decided she’d worked long enough. Mattie remembered when she would have literally worked from sunup to sundown on her various gardens. Now she was lucky to spend more than an hour at a time. Her life was beginning to come to a close, and while that didn’t worry her in the sense of what awaited her beyond this world, she felt a concern that she’d not yet accomplished all that she’d been called to do. Until her girls were settled and drawing their strength from God, how could Mattie even think of leaving them to find their own ways?

Still, they belonged to God. She had committed each one to Him long ago. She had trusted God to help her raise them properly, and she had to let go and trust that He could handle their futures as well. She sighed and put away her tools. The aching in her knees and now in her lower back reminded her that she could only do so much.

Climbing wearily up the garden path, Mattie couldn’t help but wonder how many years she had left on earth. It was kind of funny. Sometimes she never thought about her life coming to an end, and other times she almost longed for it—like homesickness. She never said this to anyone, fearing they might misunderstand. But in truth, it was nothing more than a desire to let go of the bonds that earthly life had given and be in perfect harmony with God. It was the desire to sit at His feet and labor no more.

“Silly old woman,” she chided herself and smiled. It would come in God’s timing, and as her own grandmother used to say, “
If a body is still walkin’ the earth, it must be there for a reason
.” Usually she’d add that the reason indicated that God still had something special for you to do. Apparently, He still had plans for Mattie as well.

Inside, the house was pleasantly cool, compliments of the hardworking central air system she’d had installed nearly twenty years earlier. Kansas summers could be pleasant or blistering, and air
conditioning seemed to be a luxury that quickly became a necessity. It was amazing how much longer her curtains and draperies lasted now that they were protected from the humidity and dusty winds of summer days. The interior paint seemed to fare better as well, and Mattie had never had to replace the wallpaper, except by choice, since the air conditioning had been installed. It was amazing how modern conveniences intended for one purpose could also help in others.

Washing the dirt from her hands, Mattie decided a tall glass of iced tea was in order. She rummaged through the refrigerator, poured herself a glass of tea, and went to check on her family. There had been mention of taking an afternoon swim in the lake, and Harry had even commented on the possibility of coming by to spend the evening with them. Mattie thought it all sounded rather pleasant.

Finding no one in the living room, Mattie checked around the other rooms before making her way upstairs. The silence in the house assured her that Ashley’s boys had found some other place to occupy themselves. My, but those two could be a handful. Mattie nearly laughed out loud as she remembered them capturing a snake and two bullfrogs and having no understanding of why she didn’t want to allow them residency in her house.

“Is anyone here?” Mattie called out.

“I’m in here, Grammy,” Ashley replied. “Folding clothes.”

Mattie made her way to Ashley’s room and smiled. “I’ve just come in from weeding and thought I would see what else was going on.”

“I finished a load of wash,” Ashley answered. “Harry called a few minutes ago to say he’d be over shortly to take the boys swimming. The boys ran with the speed of wild horses to await his arrival on the front porch.”

Mattie drank her tea and studied her eldest granddaughter.
How can I make you talk to me?
she questioned, pondering the pain she saw in Ashley’s eyes. Mattie knew Ashley hadn’t been the same since the accident. Her personality had changed so drastically from the motivated
and driven young woman Ashley used to be, and it was this that really worried Mattie. Her body seemed to be healing fine, but her spirit seemed fragile.

Mattie made a decision to just jump in and deal with her concerns. “Well, with the boys occupied, and Deirdre and Morgan apparently busying themselves elsewhere, would you like to talk to me about the real reason you came home?”

Ashley’s face paled ever so slightly. Her thick brown hair was pulled back into a braid, leaving her face looking rather gaunt—her cheeks almost hollow. She sighed audibly and seemed to give up whatever battle had been going on within her. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Ashley rested a pair of jeans upon her lap. She looked to be considering Mattie’s suggestion.

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it.”

“I don’t suppose I’ll ever
feel
like it,” Ashley replied. “I keep wishing my emotions would heal as fast as my body has. Honestly, I’ve planned all along to talk to you when the time was right. I suppose this time is as right as any.”

Mattie sipped at the tea and waited for her granddaughter to continue. She didn’t want to do anything that might appear too forceful or demanding.

“You might as well sit down,” Ashley told her softly. “This might take a few minutes.”

“That’s fine,” Mattie said, pulling up the rocking chair. “I have my chores done for the time being.”

Ashley nodded. “I came home because I needed to rediscover who I am—or at least to find a way back to what I once knew to be true. I thought I had it all under control. I had my faith in God, faith you established in me. I had a great home, good friends, my family . . . my whole life seemed charmed. I thought I must surely be living exactly as God wanted me to because everything was so perfect.”

“Then the accident happened?” Mattie questioned.

“Something happened before the accident, only I couldn’t remember what it was. In fact, I still don’t remember much about it,
but Jack has filled in the missing pieces.”

“I see.”

Ashley sighed. “I wish I did.” She turned to better face Mattie. “I was running away the day of the accident.”

“I don’t understand.”

“That makes two of us. I went to tell Jack about the baby, but instead I found something so horrible that I ran.” Ashley stopped and lowered her gaze to the floor. “Jack had an affair with his nurse. I . . . I came in on them and my reaction was to simply run.”

“Oh my,” Mattie whispered the words. Never had she imagined Ashley would tell her something of this magnitude. She had anticipated Ashley talking about being depressed over losing the baby or the fact that she couldn’t have other children. But the fact that Jack had had an affair . . . why, the thought had never entered Mattie’s mind for a moment. She had always adored Jack and thought him perfectly suited to Ashley.

“He ended it. Said she meant nothing to him. Apparently she had boosted his ailing ego and made him feel young and important. She resigned her position at Jack’s request and he helped her get a job with a colleague. He says it’s over and will never happen again.”

“And do you believe him?” Mattie questioned.

Ashley raised her gaze to meet Mattie’s eyes. “I want to.”

“Do you still love him?”

“Yes. That’s what makes this so hard. I want to put it behind us, but at the same time I feel like I’m the wounded party and no matter what I do, nothing can bring back what I’ve lost. I can’t have justice in this.”

“Justice or revenge?”

Ashley shook her head. “I suppose I’d take either one.”

“But as you said, nothing can bring back what you’ve lost,” Mattie replied.

“I know that. It’s just that I feel so torn. Dave’s funeral made me realize just how much I do love Jack, even if he’s betrayed that love. I don’t really want a divorce. . . .”

“Then don’t get one,” Mattie stated simply.

“But what do I do?”

“Do you want to hold this marriage together?”

Ashley nodded. “I really think I do, but I don’t know if I can put it behind me. Jack’s actions cost me so much. I lost my child and the possibility of ever having any more children. I nearly lost my life.”

“I’m not suggesting that your losses aren’t great,” Mattie began, “but I would suggest you weigh the possibilities and decide if you are willing to lose even more than you already have.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you don’t go back to Jack, if you get a divorce or separate from him, then you lose even more. The boys lose a father and you lose a husband and companion. You probably will lose the financial security you’ve come to depend on, and frankly, I think you would lose more than a small portion of your happiness.”