Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2) (22 page)

After parking her suitcase by the dresser, she turns and
pulls me close in a tight embrace. “Seriously, Luke. Where are you at right
now? Your head is not a place you should be navigating alone.”

I swallow and draw in a deep breath. My head is not a place
for anyone. She can’t possibly understand what she’s asking. “Honestly, Holland,
I’m scared,” I admit quietly into the dim silence. “Really scared.”

She pulls me tighter, and I close my eyes, suddenly
overwhelmed by what I’m about to do. It seemed like such a necessary decision
yesterday. I had to come home. I had to do this for Casey, for me, for Elena,
Holland. Everyone needs me to reconcile my past with my present. I can’t have a
future until I do, but now, standing at the entrance to the gallows, about to
face the jury, my sentence, it’s all I can do to keep from running back to the
airport.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face my punishment
after a year and a half of hiding from it, but that’s where I find myself now.
Except for our recent evening with Molly, I haven’t been in contact with any of
them since The Funeral. Since I completely imploded and added a whole new chapter
to my list of crimes. I can’t even think about that day without getting
nauseous.

So yes, I’m scared. No, terrified, but deep down I know that
part of claiming responsibility for the humiliation of what I
was is
to stop hiding from the consequences. I’m here because
I know I’ll never be able to accept I’ve changed until I prove it to them, that
I’ll never be able to forgive myself until I face the punishment for my sins. I
thought I came for Casey, but as I stand here in silence, trying to stop the shaking,
the truth hits me hard like it so often does. I brace myself as it crashes
down, rooting me in a reality I hadn’t truly understood until this moment.

I’m not just here for my best friend; I’m here for my
execution.

∞∞∞

The
plan is to head over to Casey’s brother Nate’s house for a barbeque. I brace
myself at the announcement, which doesn’t come as a surprise, just a
disappointment, and do my best to project a nonchalant front as we leave the
hotel and head to the car.

I hate the somber silence that’s settled over us as we drive.
I can feel them all watching me, evaluating. They think I haven’t noticed that
they’re acting like this is my funeral, not Casey’s father’s, but I try to
remind myself it’s only because they care so much.

“It shouldn’t be everyone tonight. Just Nate, Abby, Molly.
Maybe some others,” Casey muses, glancing over at me briefly before focusing
back on the road.

I swallow and turn to him. “Ok.” I force in more air. “Do
they know I’m coming?”

Casey answers with an uncomfortable silence, and I turn back
to the window, my stomach dropping.

“I’m sorry, man, I just…Molly will be cool with it.”

I nod. “Yeah, ok. It’s probably better this way.” Suddenly,
I feel a hand on my arm and glance back at Holland who’s leaning forward from
the back seat.

“If we have to sit in the car all night, we sit in the car,”
she says with a smile. I try to return it.

“Casey and I will run food to you,” Callie adds, and my grin
finally breaks.

“Thanks. Make sure you bring some of Abby’s iced tea too.
It’s fantastic.”

“It’s pretty killer,” Casey agrees. “Iced tea is the only
thing Abby does well in the kitchen.”

“Casey!” Callie cries.

“What? It’s true. Isn’t it true, Luke? Remember that time she
made us that vegetable lasagna?”

“With the carrots?” I laugh. “Oh man, that was awful.”

“Was that supposed to be carrots? I had no idea what it was.
It tasted like dirty chalk. That’s all I remember.”

“You two are so mean!” Callie chides.

“No, that lasagna was mean,”
Casey
retorts, and I can’t help but snicker.

“It was pretty bad, Cal. Even Elena…” I freeze.

Casey glances at me. They all do. I can’t move.

“Even Elena hated it and suggested she try a different
recipe next time,” Casey finishes for me. I give him a weak smile as the
heaviness starts to overwhelm me again.

Holland clears her throat. “Well, then, I guess you don’t
have to bring us any of that,” she remarks, squeezing my arm.

And the air finally makes its way back into my lungs.

∞∞∞

I don’t
know why I had even bothered hoping we’d be able to sneak into the gathering
unnoticed. I swear every conversation dies as we come into view, every eye converging
on us. I’ve never felt so exposed in my entire life, and my heart sinks as I
take in the crowded deck and surrounding patio. It’s not just Nate, Abby, and
Molly. It’s everyone, all of them, and the panic
begins
to mount as my brain and body clue in to the fact that hell’s about to break
loose now, not tomorrow like I’d been bracing for. I wasn’t ready for
twenty-four hours from now, let alone twenty-four seconds.

“Shit,” Casey mutters, and we exchange a quick glance before
he plasters his signature grin on his face.

Molly makes the first move and comes running over, throwing
herself into her big brother’s arms.

“You made it!” she cries. “Thank you.” Her huge smile fades
when her eyes rest on me. I read every bit of concern in her expression, and
try to steady my breathing. “Luke, hey. You came too.”

“Of course I did,” I manage. She smiles again, sweet,
genuine, and gives me a hug as well. “Well, I’m glad you’re here, but…” she
stops and glances back at our audience. I can’t even begin to do the same.
“She’s here, Luke,” she whispers, searching my eyes. “They’re all here. I
didn’t know you were coming or…”

I force a smile. “I know. It’s ok. I’m here to face them.”

She stares at me, they all are now, and I finally dare a
glance at the crowd.

“You sure, man?” Casey asks, clearly hesitant.

“Better here than at the church, right?” I reason. He seems
to understand, but neither of us has any illusions that there’s a “better” in
any of this.

I can’t even look at Holland and Callie.

“Hi, everyone,” Casey announces, leading us toward the line
of gaping stares. “Good to see you all. This is my girlfriend, Callie, for those
of you who haven’t met her yet. Oh, and my good friend, Holland. Of course you
all know Luke.” He climbs the stairs of the deck with his animated Casey
Barrett spring and surveys one of the well-stocked food tables. “Aunt Marjorie!
Your deviled eggs.
Fantastic! Cal, you have to try
these,” he calls, waving Callie over. She gives me an apologetic shrug before
following Casey’s lead, and I try to remain steady. I know Holland is watching
me, waiting to see what I do next. Hell, they all are, but I have no idea where
to go from here. Molly, ever sensitive, loops her arm in mine and leads me
forward as well.

“How was your trip in?” she asks, both of us pretending
we’ll actually succeed at making small talk right now.

“Fine, thanks. No delays.”

“That’s great. Holland, it’s so nice of you to come support
Casey.”

Holland’s smile looks a lot more vibrant and genuine than
anything that could come out of me at the moment. “Casey always seems to be
there for those who need him. Of course we had to jump in when he needed us.”

Molly is clearly touched and glances back at her older
brother. “He has a huge heart.”

“So I’m learning. I’m sorry, what was your name again? Are
you Molly?” Holland asks as we reach the stairs also.

She laughs and nods. “Yeah, Molly Barrett. Sorry. My brother
may have a huge heart, but he sucks at manners.”

Holland grins.

“Luke, hey. Been a while, huh?” I turn and meet the new
voice as Holland and Molly continue their conversation.

“Oh, hi, Nate. Yeah, it has. How are you doing? How are the
kids?”

Nate smiles. “Good, good. Yeah, everyone’s good. They’re
running around here somewhere. Heard you’re touring again.”

I nod. “Yeah, I am. It was a long road back, but we’re
getting there.”

“Um, yeah…well, hey, that’s great. Good luck to…”

A loud crash stops his sentence, and we spin toward the growing
vacuum in the center of the gathering.

“No! No way! How dare you!” The shrieks match the shattered
bowl of pasta salad sprayed all over the rough wood, and I don’t even need to
see the speaker to know the voice. I’d recognize that hatred anywhere.

Casey moves to jump in, but I shake my head, blocking his
rescue.

“Aunt Gina,” I acknowledge quietly, stepping forward to face
her.

The crowd has instinctively begun to back away from our
confrontation, and I forget about everything, everyone else.

“You disgusting, son-of-a-bitch! What are you doing here? Why
would you think for a second you’d be welcomed here
?!
”

I start to shake. I hate it, but I can’t stop it and draw in
a deep breath, trying to control the trembling,
the
panic.

“Can we talk about this somewhere else so we don’t disrupt
dinner?”

“Yeah, sure, run and hide! That’s just
like
you!”

“I’m not hiding, Aunt Gina, I just…”

“I told you never to call me that again! I am not your aunt.
I am nothing to you.”

“Please, can we just…”

“The biggest mistake I ever made was agreeing to take you
from your whore of a mother! I should have known you’d end up just like her no
matter what I did! You know she’s dead, right?” I feel like a club hit me as I
stare at her in shock. She must read it, but has no mercy.

“No, of course you wouldn’t know that. Why would you? You’ve
never shown an ounce of concern for anyone but yourself. Well, and those sluts
who throw themselves at you at your concerts!” Her eyes burn as she charges
toward me. “You may have the world fooled, thinking you’re some kind of rock god
or something, but we know who you are, what you are! We know the sludge that
pumps through your veins and oozes out of your cold, dead heart.” She shoves me
hard as she moves past me toward the stairs.

My vision is blurring, the air suddenly so thick I think I
can feel it closing around my throat. Only one phrase slithers through the
darkness in my head and it escapes before I can even consider what’s happening.

“You’re right.”

She stops. They all stop, and the silence is heavy as it
settles over us.

It’s finally interrupted by a bitter laugh, and I flinch.
“Oh, I am? I’m right, but…but what, Luke? What hilarious, ridiculous excuse are
we getting this time?” She throws up her hands in anger. “I have nothing else
to say to you!”

I close my eyes and struggle for words, anything. My heart
is racing, my blood pounding so hard in my ears I don’t even know if I’ll hear
whatever comes out of my mouth next, but I have to stop fighting the words. I
just have to stop fighting.

“There are no buts this time. No excuses. You don’t have to
say anything. It’s my turn to say something to all of you.”

The tears start to rise, heavy in my chest, but I can’t do
that right now, cry. I need words, not tears, to have any hope of a future. “I
do know what I’ve done, what I was,” I begin, standing before them all, the
giant eye staring at me, accusing me. “I have to live with that every second of
every day.
The pain of trying to atone for something that can
never be made right.
You’re right, there will be no justice for my sins,
my mistakes. And you’re right, I’ve spent a long time hiding.” The trembling
has reached my voice and I clench my eyes shut, trying to gain enough control
to complete my damning testimony. My self-incrimination.

“I’m not here for forgiveness,” I say finally, quietly, but somehow
firm at the same time. I take a deep breath and open my eyes, meeting the jury
again. “I’m here to account for what I was.”

∞∞∞

The
rest is a blurred nightmare. Those not involved, or who choose an ounce of civility,
flee to the house, leaving me alone with the unfiltered hostility. I get pelted
with names, dates, places,
accusations
for things I
didn’t even know about. Did I know Elena used to call her cousin Marie at least
twice a week sobbing because she knew I was cheating on her? Did I know she
kept a file of the many pictures that floated around the gossip stratosphere? Did
I know she’d cry herself to sleep more often than not, that she lost seven
pounds in a month? Did I not understand how much that woman loved me despite
what I was, how I hurt her?

My recent phone hack comes up, of course. They remember
those pictures of the blondes from the initial social media explosion. Elena
was with her sister Lily the night they found their way into the public eye;
the night they charred Elena’s soul. Lily makes sure I understand the horror of
every second of that night. How Elena blamed herself. How she thought she must
not have been good enough for me to love her. How she started to believe maybe
I never did. Did I actually love her? It would be news to any of them.