Trade Off (23 page)

“I love you, Sela. Not because you were my first love, but because you’re my
only
love.” He brushed a strand of hair off her face with a smile. “If you ever, even for a second, question why I love you, all you have to do is look at that.” He turned to look at the life she’d breathed into the canvas. Her love for him was palpable, he could see it in her labor of love, and if ever he questioned whether the years apart and her marriage to another man dulled her feelings for him, he didn’t anymore.

“Our connection is right there, sweetheart. You don’t have to be an artist to see it. Only one person could have gotten that so right… you… only you.”

She looked at the painting a long time before she said, “I locked it in the closet of my home studio because I didn’t want Neil to see it. It felt like I was being unfaithful to him, painting you.” She shrugged. “I know it sounds silly, but it just seemed so intimate somehow.”

“Knowin’ someone well enough to instinctively know what he’s thinkin’ and feelin’ is pretty damn intimate. You don’t have to be havin’ sex with someone to share a deep connection.” He stroked her cheek with his lips, skimming her back with his hands when she leaned into him. “We haven’t made love in years, yet I’ve never loved you more than I do right now.”

She tipped her head back to look up at him as her arms circled his waist. “Do you really mean that?”

“You tell me.” He looked her in the eye, daring her to look away. “You always did know when I wasn’t tellin’ you everything. So, tell me… Is there a doubt in your mind about how I feel about you?”

She reached up, tentatively running her hands through his hair, grazing his cheek, and finally his lips, as though the artist in her wanted to commit this moment to memory so she could recreate it later in a work of art that would withstand the test of time and life’s trials. “I have no doubt.”

When he couldn’t wait another second, he lowered his head at the same time he felt the floodgates open, and the passion they’d both tried to repress for years bore down on them. They were soon swept up in the hunger, trying to rid each other of clothes without breaking the intimate contact of tangled tongues and limbs.

“I need you.” His confession prompted an explosion of will as he swept her up in his arms and sprinted up the stairs to his bedroom. Words would always fall short. He needed to
show
her why he couldn’t wait another minute to share his bed with her. “You make me feel alive, Sela. I’ve been goin’ through the motions for so many years. God, it feels so good just to feel alive again.” He dropped kisses on her neck as he kicked the door open with his foot.    

She pressed kisses to the chest she’d bared earlier as he settled her in the middle of his bed before coming down on top of her. “I know,” she whispered. “I feel the same way. I was so afraid I’d never feel this way again.”

He couldn’t get the rest of her clothes off fast enough. He was so afraid this was like so many of the dreams he’d had before and he’d wake up only to realize she was just an illusion, a vision summoned by a desperate man who couldn’t let go of his first and only love.

“I can’t believe this is really happenin’,” he whispered, standing back to admire her. He didn’t want to forget the way she looked in that moment, with reverence in her eyes and the promise of forever on her lips. “You’re my everything.”

She tried to laugh, but it escaped her lips as a sob instead. “Stop it. You’re going to make me cry.”

“Don’t cry,” he said, coming over her, bracing his forearms on either side of her head to support his weight. “No more tears, no more sadness. From now on, I just wanna make you happy. That’s the only thing that matters to me, makin’ you happy.”

“I don’t know if I deserve you,” she said, reaching up to stroke his chest. “But I don’t care, ’cause I’m never gonna let you go again.”

Aiden loved the conviction he heard in her voice. He needed to know that she was willing to fight as hard as he was, that nothing and no one was powerful enough to sever their union a second time. “That works both ways, just so you know.” He took her mouth in a fierce, possessive kiss. “You’re mine, from this day on, forever. I want you to know that.”

She smiled. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He cupped her breasts together in his hand, laving the sensitive skin with his tongue, worshipping her with his mouth. He knew a lifetime would never be enough time to satisfy his craving for her body, but he wouldn’t let a day pass when he didn’t thank God for the opportunity.

“Aiden…” She arched into his hands as she raised her hands above her head. “God, I love the way you touch me…”

He eased his hand between them, reveling in the evidence of her arousal as he slid two digits inside of her. He continued to lash her heated skin with his tongue, wishing he had the self-control to take his time tonight. But he’d waited for this night for so many days, weeks, months, years… If he pressed for more time, his control was bound to snap under the pressure of delaying the gratification he so desperately needed. Hurriedly sheathing himself, he never took his eyes off her.

“Please,” she whimpered, obviously as close to the edge of bliss as he was. “I need to feel you…” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I need to be a part of you again.”

“You’ve always been a part of me, baby. Don’t you know that? Every second of every day.” He placed her hand over his pounding heart. “I kept you right there.” He lifted her hand to his head, pressing her fingers to his temple as he kissed her palm. “And right there. You’ve owned me since the first day you dropped your books in that tenth grade chemistry class, remember?”

She smiled. “How could I forget?”

“How could
I
forget?” he whispered. “How could you expect me to forget?” He slid inside of her, never letting his eyes drift from hers as he filled her to the brink, watching with intense satisfaction as she forced herself to relax so she could accommodate him. Just like in the old days. He was finally home, in the arms of the woman he loved, sharing her body, free to build his dreams around her.

She closed her eyes as she reached for his hands. With their hands linked, she whispered, “I love you… so much.”

Aiden tipped his head back, allowing his body to find a natural rhythm as her words found their way into his heart. He thought it was intense between them before, but that was nothing compared to this. She sneaked under his skin, becoming as integral as his next breath. “I love you. God, you have no idea how much I love you.”

“Oh…” Her breathing became labored as she squeezed her eyes shut. “Don’t stop… please.”

He watched her come apart, as awestruck as the first time he’d watched her surrender her body to him. He’d been all over the world, been blessed to see so many beautiful sights, even bedded his fair share of women in an attempt to obliterate her memory, but nothing compared to the sight of her lying beneath him, clenching him in her tight heat with words of love falling from her lips. It was his version of heaven on earth, and he knew he couldn’t spend another day without her in his life.

Sela opened her eyes and trapped him in her erotic maze, where the only way out was through a mind-numbing climax. “Come with me,” she whispered, licking her lips.

He could still feel her throbbing, silently taunting and teasing him, using her power, knowing hers was the only body he’d ever been powerless to resist. “You’re killin’ me here, baby.” He wanted this to last, to make it memorable for her, but his control was slipping... “Jesus, don’t…” She clenched him, taking him to places he’d never been and wasn’t sure he ever wanted to return from. “Ah, God, yes…” His last rational thought was that he hoped like hell she was right there with him, soaring, freefalling… ready to land in his waiting arms.

Sela settled into Aiden’s arms, using his hard chest as a pillow as she burrowed beneath the down-filled duvet covering them. “Wow, I’m not even going to ask who you’ve practiced with all these years.” She tried to make light of it, but thinking of him sharing his bed with other women still hurt. He was a gorgeous, wealthy, single, professional athlete. She wasn’t naïve enough to believe he’d been content to fall asleep alone every night.

Tracing the path of hair below his waist, she found the courage to ask, “Have there been a lot of women?”

He shrugged. “Sure, some.”

“Any of them make you think about settling down?” She didn’t know why she was torturing herself this way, but for some reason, it seemed important that they share everything, the good, the bad, and the painful. When he didn’t respond, she said, “You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

Aiden kissed the top of her head. “Don’t you know by now there’s nothin’ you can’t ask me?” He traced circles on her back, making her tremble. “Had I ever thought about proposin’ to any of them? No. Have I thought about gettin’ married? Sure. I don’t wanna be alone forever. Like you, I was lucky enough to have two parents who loved each other, who were always there to support each other. I want what they have.”

She sighed and he pulled back to look at her. “You gonna tell me what that’s all about?”

“I’m going through a divorce. I can’t even think about getting married again. I need time.” She knew they’d already wasted so much time, but if she ever walked down the aisle again, she wanted it to be the last time.

“Don’t even think about comparin’ what you had with him to what you have with me, Sela.”

She could feel the tension in his body, and the last thing she wanted was to upset him after the night they’d shared. But allowing him to believe she was ready for something she wasn’t wouldn’t be fair. “I need to be by myself for a while.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. Obviously, I do, but I’m not ready for anything serious.” Thinking fast when her brain was reduced to mush, courtesy of two intense orgasms, wasn’t easy, but she knew if she didn’t do some damage control, she risked creating a rift she didn’t want between them. “Please, try to understand. I was a kid when I married Neil. I’ve never been on my own, not really. I just need a little time by myself, so I know that I can take care of myself.”

“Why would you want to take care of yourself when we can take care of each other? It doesn’t make sense.” He slipped his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp as he spoke. “Sweetheart, we’ve been apart too long. I just wanna be together now.”

“I know. I want that too, but I don’t want to rush into anything before we’re ready.”

“Believe me, I’m more than ready.”

She knew Aiden was used to being in control, but she also knew there was little he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “I love you, but now I need to learn how to love myself so we can have a long and happy life together.”

He smirked. “It just so happens I’m an expert at lovin’ you. Who better to teach you how it’s done?”

Sela smacked his chest, laughing when he winced. “I’m serious. I need to do this.” She had never voiced her insecurities to anyone, not even him. “I’ve dealt with self-loathing for a long time now. It’s done a number on me.”

“I thought we agreed to put the past behind us?”

“I know, but it’s not going to happen overnight.”

“I think we made a pretty good start tonight.” He lowered his hand to the swell of her bottom. “Don’t you?” He squeezed the soft flesh, making her smile. “’Cause if you tell me I need to work at convincin’ you, I’m more than ready to take on that challenge.”

She loved that he could always make her smile; even in the face of fear or sadness, he’d always reminded her that his love would see her through. “This isn’t about sex.”

“I know,” he said, quietly.

She looked up at him and hated the uncertainty and fear she’d put in his eyes. “This has nothing to do with you, Aiden. This is about me figuring out who I am when I’m not half of a whole. I’ve been Neil’s wife for so many years. Before that, I was Muriel and Peter’s daughter or Danny’s sister or your girlfriend. I need to figure out who
I
am.”

“What if you decide you don’t need me after all?”

What had she ever done to deserve the love of a man like this? And would she ever be able to forgive herself if her indecision cost her a second chance with him?

“We’re not kids anymore. We need to come into this relationship as mature adults capable of committing to forever. I’m just not there yet. I love you, but I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet, rebuild my business, and create a home for myself before I can even think about starting a new life with you.”

She’d hoped he would tell her that he understood and he supported her decision, but perhaps she was expecting too much. “Please, don’t be angry.”

“I’m not angry. I’m just confused. When you told me you loved me, when we made love, I assumed that meant we were a couple.”

“You know I want to be with you, only you, but I can’t start planning for the future until I’m happy in the present. Being back with you is amazing, but other areas of my life need attention. I can’t let this relationship be the only thing in my life that matters. It’s too dangerous. What if…”

“Things don’t work out?”

He spit the words out through clenched teeth, and even if she hadn’t known him so well, she would have known he was angry with her. “We can’t pretend that it could never happen. It’s already happened to us once before. Losing you almost destroyed me; I can’t let that happen again.”