Trail of the Spellmans (40 page)

GENERAL AFFIDAVIT

STATE OF:
Nevada

COUNTY OF:
Washoe

PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named
Daisy Doolittle
, who is a resident of
Washoe
County, State of
Nevada,
and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:

I was married to that dog for three long years. Just because we met at a strip club didn’t mean we had to spend all our free time there. I think he took me to a movie maybe five times total during our entire relationship. Not once did he spring for popcorn. The man has some bad habits. And never give him a cent of your hard-earned cash because he’ll gamble it away, stuff it in the G-string of some other gal, or blow it on beer and potato chips. And he could never, ever remember to put the toilet seat down.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A
s you might imagine, sincerity isn’t really my thing. Generally when I compliment or thank someone, I follow it up with an insult. Or I lead with the jab. However, sometimes it’s good to break character and just say something nice and be done with it. Here I go.

I am ridiculously lucky to be a writer, and there are many people responsible for this state of affairs.

I must begin with my agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. Without you, the line I’d speak most regularly would be “Do you want fries with that?” The rest of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency team is positively fantastic, and I’m not just saying that because you give me cake when I visit: Jim Levine, Dan Greenberg, Monika Verma, Melissa Rowland,
¹
Elizabeth Fisher, Miek Coccia, Julie Villar, Lindsay Edgecombe. Thank you; even I don’t know all the things you do for me.

I am incredibly grateful for the outstanding people at Simon & Schuster. As always, I am indebted to Carolyn Reidy for her unwavering support for the Spellman series. And to Jonathan Karp: I’m really good at finding fault with people but I can’t think of an unkind word to say about you. You’ve been amazing. Sammy Perlmutter and Amanda Ferber, your patient work
on my behalf has been saintly. I hope you’ve at least talked some trash behind my back because I’m sure I’ve been a pain in the ass at times. A huge thanks to Richard Rhorer, Michael Sellick, Jackie Seow, and Danielle Lynn. And thank you Kerri Kolen for all your hard work and for leaving the book in excellent hands.

Oh and a big whopping thanks to Jonathan Evans, my very cool production editor. You never make me feel stupid, unlike some people on this page.
²
Without you, these books would be a total mess and my characters would be aging in a really funky way.

I am ridiculously lucky to have met the brilliant illustrator Jaime Temairik. You’re one of the funniest people I know and I’m proud to call you a friend. Thank you Jay Fienberg, my cousin, my website guru, and my Robbie Gruber consultant. Anastasia Fuller, thanks for all the thoughtful reads and the awesome website design. I must also mention Julie Ulmer and Steve Kim because I don’t know what I’d do without them. And I’m thanking my cousin Dan Fienberg because he’ll say something if I don’t.

Dave Hayward, you’re a great friend and editor. When I write a joke, I know it works if you get it. You could be a better chaperone, though. While I’m on the subject of Haywards, I’d like to thank Linda Hayward for being my Sacramento publicist.

And I’d also like to thank anyone else who might have read the book and offered careful and considered criticism. I’m not the kind of writer who can work alone. This book would have been far worse without you.

I’m sure I’m missing some people,
³
so thank you __________________.
⁴

Most importantly, I want to thank the booksellers who are still fighting the fight.

Since I’ve got some extra space here, I want to at least touch on the changes in the book world. Call me naïve, but I don’t see the end of days. I believe that eventually readers will smarten up and realize that a book isn’t a bargain just because it’s cheap. Agents, editors, and publishers exist so that the books you get in your hands are worth reading. I understand the desire for convenience, and if you saw some of the shortcuts I make in life, you’d know I’ve got nothing against e-books (I even read them myself). But I do ask readers to think of this: As bookstores are closing at alarming rates across the country, there’s still something you can do about it. Even if you’re a diehard e-reader, every once in a while walk, drive, or take a bus to a bookstore and buy a real book off of the shelf. Booksellers aren’t just managing the register; they’re people who love books and, ideally, know how to match the right book with the right person.

I don’t have any kids, so I’m not as worried about my heirs as the rest of you, but still: I think the youth of tomorrow might be better off if they knew the physical sensation of cracking a spine and turning the page.

¹
I have an eye for this sort of thing.

²
I’ll explain all this animal crap shortly.

³
Shockingly, my mother shows occasional bursts of fiscal integrity.

¹
You could either go straight to the appendix or show some patience and know that I’ll get to him shortly.

²
I’ve discovered that formally announcing a subject change holds far more sway than just simply changing the subject. Try it yourself sometime.

³
When my sister was little, I told her if she buried the M&M’s she could grow an M&M tree and have a lifetime supply. She watered them with Kool-Aid for two weeks until my mother disabused her of that notion.

¹
I’ll get to him shortly.

²
Much of this information I gleaned from my mother at a later date.

³
A clause in the revamped bylaws that I demanded on our most recent revision. It’s only fair—they always vote the same way.

¹
I’ll get to him in a few pages.

²
Part of a book, to be precise. (Document #4)

³
If you’ve already forgotten who she is, I suggest you see a doctor or at the very least take up Sudoku.

¹
Grunting and demanding coffee.

²
“I am so outta here.”

³
That’s probably the first time I’ve said it.

¹
Old David would definitely be the Shark. I have no idea what animal New David is. Maybe the Kangaroo.

¹
Frank Scharfenberger, d. 1996. To date the most difficult client we’ve ever had.

²
Even though Walter doesn’t take baths. I asked.

¹
A group brainwashing experiment, perhaps?

²
Yes, I keep a spreadsheet.

³
Sadly, it was true.

⁴
I think she’s played like twice in her lifetime.

¹
This list is not exhaustive; I can’t keep track of everything, you know.

²
I’ve seen New David get tipsy on two glasses of wine; Old David would require a fifth of scotch.

³
Not a bad product idea, if I say so myself. I’m kind of busy, so have at it.

¹
They have a set of keys, since this is not an uncommon occurrence.

²
Believe me, we’ve got more than sweet vermouth. A rich client gave me a bottle of Glenlivet after a particularly tiresome investigation. I hide the good stuff from Henry since he’s always offering it to uninvited guests (Bernie Peterson) and other unsavory types (my family).

³
Excellent question.

⁴
Age four: the year of the permanent markers.

¹
The original vote was 2-2, but Demetrius jumped ship when he was threatened with a nickname.

²
In fact, that will be the title of my memoirs, should I ever write them.

¹
If I were a lawmaker, double-parking would be on par with aggravated assault and grand larceny.

²
I hadn’t yet gotten to it in any of my reading material.

¹
He learned it from me.

²
Finger quotes were required.

³
Her script was sloppy, so it could have been “croquet.”

¹
Which, logically, should have crippled the magazine’s credibility.

²
This is not a footnote.

³
Chess term. Just a fancy word for “pieces,” that’s all.

⁴
I know, I know: Henry’s a great catch and I don’t deserve him. I’ve heard it all before. Do me a favor and mind your own business.

¹
One day, when she knows a few more words, I will formally thank her.

²
Rae’s twenty, so you can do the math.

¹
Rae’s charming, but odd, boyfriend. Great name, huh?

¹
Please note that this was precisely the same way I’d addressed Sydney, so how could someone accuse me of abnormal behavior?

²
Had I adopted this policy at the beginning of the evening, her entire ten-piece glass-ware set would have been demolished, along with half a dozen wine goblets.

³
Note to self: Send Walter a nice fruit basket for Christmas.

¹
According to the text-message dictionary: “You need to chill out.

²
Apparently the emoticon for “bored”; notice how it requires as many characters as “bored.”

¹
While I’m on the subject, this kind of goes for everyone. I’ve never met a woman under the age of fifty who likes being called “ma’am.” In fact, I prefer “hey you,” “lady!” “missy,” “the one in the green shirt” (obviously only if I’m wearing a green shirt), and “whatsyourname” to “ma’am” any day of the week.