Trailer Park Princess (18 page)

My mind travels slowly up his chest. I am breathing hard just thinking about him this way. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and run my tongue over the curves of his neck and chest and down his stomach. I want to unzip his pants with my teeth and make him happy. I want to be the woman he loves, not the little “princess” he has to watch over. I huff in frustration as I sit up, sliding back against the billboard, and hang my head in sadness. What’s a girl to do? I’m not sure I am strong enough to just be his friend. I know having him as a friend is better than telling him I love him and losing him all together. I know I could survive without him, but I also know that I never want to have to.

After about an hour, I am able to get myself home and get the gifts ready to unwrap. I look around the floor of our trendy thrift store-inspired living room and smile. Thax is sitting on his feet, smiling from ear to ear, as he marvels over the graphics on the skateboard we got him and the guitar Mando bought him. Next to him, on their tummies, are Rio and Denver. They both got scooters, which they think is over-the-top awesome—
thank God we found them on sale and got both for fifty dollars—
but what held their attention was the game console and racing game Mando got for them to share. She spoils them beyond a doubt, but she swears her parents pitched in on it all. Rome sits there holding his new tool set and a box of picks for his guitar, smiling as he watches the kids be happy and content. Then, there’s Mando.  We got her a scarf and hat set, name brand of course, and we all laugh as she squeals and puts on a fashion show for us. Sweet Saige couldn’t care less about the toy that was in the box; she just wants the wrapping paper. I smile as I watch my little family. This is what life’s supposed to be like.

“Oh, here, Rory, this is yours.” Mando
 jumps up to hand me a heavy midsized box. I open it carefully to find a top-of-the-line coffee machine. I give her a weird confused look.

“Thank you?” I say more as a question than a statement because she knows I don’t drink coffee. She pushes up from the floor and takes the box, flipping it around.

“See, it makes hot chocolate! Now, get in there and get us some started, hooker.” She pulls me up, pushing me towards the kitchen, but we all stop and laugh when we hear an angel’s voice say, “Hooka.” I cover my mouth to stifle my laugh. I should get on to Saige, but it’s too funny right now, and she doesn’t know she’s said something bad. I shake my head and walk in the kitchen.

I have all the cups set on a tray and am getting ready to make my way back to the living room when Rome walks into the kitchen. “Need some help?” he asks. I pick up the tray and turn my head in a dip towards the counter. “Grab the marshmallows, will ya?” He picks them up and walks to the living room with me. I hand everyone a cup as Rome hands out the mini marshmallows behind me. I get to Saige, and she has her little hands up for hers. She gets a sippy cup with chocolate milk. Rome hands her a marshmallow also and takes a seat beside me. He doesn’t say anything, but I feel him nudge me. Looking down, I see he is handing me a small box. Taking it, I set my cup between us and smile at him while opening the lid. My eyes go huge when I see it. It’s a beautiful silver ring covered in colored stones.

“This is beautiful,” I say sliding it out of the box. He takes it from my hand and slides it down my finger.

“It’s a family ring. Kind of like a mother’s ring, but for everyone in the family. Do you like it?”

I look at each stone. It has all four kids’ birthstones, along with his and mine. Right in the center it says “6.” That is our family. I jump up and hug him as tight as I can, and without thinking, I slap a fat, slobber-filled kiss right on his mouth. I jump back and stare at him wide-eyed.

“Sorry,” I giggle, “I got carried away. I love it, Rome. Thank you, all of you, for giving me the best Christmas ever.” I look back at my ring and smile again.

“Alright four pod, to bed y’all go.” I see Rome ushering the kids off to bed. I hear the boys all call in unison, “Night everyone. Love y’all.” I look over and see a limp noodle lying on her side, snoring loudly. Saige must have passed out as soon as I handed her the sippy cup. She is still holding her untouched marshmallow.

Mando picks her up and says, “I got her; y’all talk.”

I look back at my ring. “You OK, Princess?  You seemed off a little tonight.” I don’t look at Rome for fear I will blurt out my feelings. I cannot ruin this.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just overwhelmed. This is the best Christmas ever.” And it’s the truth.

He walks over and hugs me. “Sleep with me tonight.” It’s not a question, and it’s not unusual. We do this a lot when one of us needs to be held; though, it’s almost always me who needs it.

I nod my head. “Of course. I’ll grab the monitor while you see Mando out and lock up.”

He kisses the top of my head and simply says, “OK.”

Winter break is almost gone and that means Mando will be heading back to school again. I still have almost three years left of this, and I don’t see me getting used to it. We plan on having Saige’s first birthday party soon so she can be here for it. She says she has to get back a few days early, something about a big test and a paper due she has to finish. I can’t help but wonder if she just misses the parties that don’t go down around here, especially with the kids. I am such a mom. But I love every minute of it.

I have to tell him. I don’t know why I ever tried to ignore this feeling. Who was I kidding? Honestly, I don’t even feel nervous. I feel like I need to tell him because it’s the right thing to do, no matter what happens. Rome has the right to know, and I shouldn’t try to make decisions for him. Mando is right; it’s time. It’s gone on long enough.

“Watch the kids for a minute, OK
?” I say to her as I make myself move forward. I don’t have to look back; I know she’s smiling.

“Let’er rip, tater chip,” I hear her say as I make my way across the room towards Rome.

“Rome…” He looks up at me and smiles. “Bathroom, now!” I throw my hand over my head, and he nods in understanding. I make my way inside and wait. A few seconds later, he opens the door and looks around. I am surprisingly not jittery or scared. I stand tall and hold my shoulders back, preparing myself.

“You OK
, Princess?”             

I take a deep breath and let my smile overtake my face. It’s so wide my eyes are almost shut. “Yes, I’m fine, but we need to talk…well, I do.”

He looks worried, and that’s not the feeling I want him to have, so I hurry on. “I do not want what I’m about to say to hurt us. I love the kids, and I never want to lose them.  I have to say this, though. It can’t wait. I cannot keep it inside anymore; it’s killing me.  Rome, from day one you have been a lifeline for me. You have saved me from everything, including myself. You have cared about me when it wasn’t easy, and you have been a rock in my foundation when the rest of the world was crumbling around me. You have wiped my tears and carried me to bed. You have dressed and undressed me without ever taking advantage of me. You even cared about my virtue when I didn’t. You have always been a light in my darkest days. I see you with the boys, and I know you love them. I see you with Saige, and I know you would move Heaven and Hell to give that child whatever her tiny heart desired.”

My heart feels like it’s about to explode in my chest. I realize I can’t do this now, not here. It isn’t right. He deserves better. “You know what… I just…I mean…I wanted to know something? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?”
Yes, I chickened out
;
sue me
. I need to do this the right way, not in the bathroom. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

He just looks at me and shakes his head. “You, Aurora Wilde, are one weird mother.” He grabs me and hugs me as he pulls me from the bathroom. I have a weird feeling he knew what I was trying to do and didn’t want me to feel pressured. I pass by Mando, and she is smiling. I shake my head, and hang it low, but not before I see the pain in her eyes. I even hear her growl as we pass before she mumbles, “I have to go home soon.” I am so disappointed in myself. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is. She’s always so open and up-front with everyone. I’m not like that, and I have so much to lose.

(Saige’s First Birthday)

Everyone who has ever loved Saige is here.
  It’s a small party, but perfect…absolutely perfect. I sit and watch all the guests moving about, finishing off their plates. I smile as I look from face to face. Mando’s parents love Saige like she is their grandchild, and Mando does the same. She adores Saige and insists on being called Aunt Mando. And Thaxton, he can’t get enough of her chunky little face, always touching her and kissing her cheeks. He tells me often he will love her enough for him and our mother.  She, of course, is nowhere around. We haven’t seen her in months. The boys—bless those boys and all their silly ways—are always making Saige laugh! And Rome…could I ever ask for better? The answer is an astounding no. He sits with Saige on his lap, feeding her cake, and she has it everywhere. She has cake in his hair, on his clothes, and on his face. He just laughs with her. He helps me take care of her and loves her the most, only playing second fiddle to me. She lets out a full-on belly laugh, and I my face erupts in a smile. Rome looks up and our eyes lock. I decide in this moment that I have to tell him how I feel soon. I can’t keep putting it off.

“I see you watching him.” I turn and look at Mando.

“Yeah, I am. Can you blame me?” She just smiles. I am sure she’s always known, even when I didn’t, that I love him, and I am even surer she is still pissed about me chickening out the other night.

“He loves you and Saige, you know that, right? He would do anything, has done everything, for you two. That boy would kill for you or steal the moon if you asked him to
. It’s always been that way.” OK, now she’s pushing it. It’s never been like that for us. We have always been friends. Never pushing more than a random hug or cuddling when my broken heart was too much for me to handle…except for that one drunken night, of course. She continues on, “Even when you were broken over Toby, he was there holding you, gluing your pieces back together, letting you know he was there waiting.” What the hell? Is she reading my mind? And what’s up with the heart to heart? She is never serious like this, and she knows Rome is a touchy subject right now. “You need to get with the program, Rory. That boy has saved your ass so many times. He freaking saved your life! Now, let him save your soul!” As she walks away, she says over her shoulder, “I leave tomorrow to go back to school. Do
not
make me fly back here and kick your not-so-trailer park ass into next week!”

I am going to miss her so much when she is gone, but she is doing what she loves, and I am proud of her for it. I’m so glad I never had any major plans for life. I am happy exactly where I am. Most girls would hate being moms before they were legally able to drink, but I feel like I have been a mom since Thax came along. The other kids are added perks.

Rome’s still smiling at me when I look back at him. He gives me his sweet wink and looks turns his attention back to Saige.
Ha!
She has cake up her little nose.

“Gesh, Rome, today was like the longest day in history. Can you believe Saige is a whole year old? It seems like just yesterday we were at the hospital. Wow
. . .” I sit down on the sofa and stick my feet in his lap like I do every night, and he starts rubbing my feet out of habit.

“Yeah, I know. She’s growing so fast I can’t stand it. Did she throw a fit when you laid her down?” he asks as he yawns.

“No, she was worn out. The poor little thing was falling asleep as I washed the cake out of her hair, so by the time she hit the bed, she was a goner. And the boys are already snoring. Thax was getting out of the shower when I laid her down, so he should be in bed by now.” I stretch and wiggle my toes.

“Are your feet getting better with the new shoes? If not, I can get the other pair. The sales clerk said they were better.”

I look over at the ugly shoes in the corner. “My feet are fine, Rome. Those ugly granny shoes done the trick. I think this is just habit now.” I smile at him.

“Well, I don’t mind rubbing your feet, Princess. You know I’ll do anything for you girls.”

“Rome, I think we need to talk.” His rubbing has moved from my feet to above my knees, but he stops mid rub when I mention talking.

“OK
, about what?”

I’m not sure how to approach this conversation, but Mando is right; I need to do this. And if I don’t, I know for a fact she will hop a plane and fly herself right back here and make sure I do. I need her to concentrate on school instead of my love life, or lack thereof.

 “This is hard for me to say. I just need you to listen to me, OK?” The look in his eyes almost stops me. He looks worried again.

“OK
, Princess, I’ll listen as long as you aren’t about to tell me you’re leaving or moving because that is a big
HELL NO
before we even have this conversation. I won’t sit back and let you guys go back to that damn trailer park. Saige deserves more than this and definitely nothing less.”

“No, Rome, we aren’t leaving. If you will just listen, this may ease your worries all together!”
Or ruin us. . .

He isn’t stopping me this time, so I take my chances and throw it all out to him. “When I met Toby, I was new and scared, and he was so nice to me. He made me feel special. What we had was intense. I cared for him so much. Then, you came along and spent time with me. Things slowly started to change. Toby was always busy, and you were always there. We talked about everything. You saved my life. Then, I made a choice, and I gave Toby something I can never take back. That was a mistake. I wasn’t really ready, but I did it. And though the deed itself was a huge mistake, the outcome wasn’t. I would never trade anything for Saige; I love that baby with all my soul. Toby freaked out and left me without ever knowing the truth, and that hurt me more than anything. I never gave him a reason not to trust me, and you know that. I have spent almost two years grieving for someone I never really lost because you can’t lose someone you never had. Today, I finally realized that. I never had Toby. I know he cared for me, but he never truly accepted me. I was never good enough for his family, and I was never enough for him either. He wouldn’t even stop at my house, afraid the poor would rub off on him. Who does that? Him, that’s who. But you know who would never do that? You! You ran into my house and saved my life that night, and you’ve been saving me every day since then. Anytime I have ever needed you, I’ve had you. You saved me from myself at that party and never scorned me for it. You saved me the night Saige was born and never left my side. You have changed as many dirty diapers and cleaned as many dirty faces as I have. You are there for Saige, just like me. Today, watching you with her, I realized you would always be there for her. You are her daddy, Rome. Now that my heart is whole and unbroken, I realize you are a part of me, and I could never go on without you. Toby left me, and it hurt. I thought I would never be whole again, but I was wrong. I’ve always been whole but couldn’t see it. It has always been you, Rome. From the start, it was you. Just like now, it’s still you. What I felt for Toby doesn’t even compare to what I feel for you. It will always only ever be you.”

Tears are pouring down my face, and I can barely get the words out. I hope he feels the same because if he doesn’t, it will be the death of me; I can feel it in my bones.

Rome grabs the sides of my face, holding me still as his eyes glisten with unshed tears. “Princess, you don’t have to do this. I will always be here for you. I’ll take whatever you have to offer me. Don’t think for a second that I would ever leave you guys. I want you to be happy, no matter what it takes or whom it’s with. As long as you smile, I will be happy with you and for you.”

I blink rapidly, confused. “That’s just my point, Rome. You have always wanted things for me that I couldn’t even understand. All you have ever done is keep me safe and make me happy. This feeling, it’s been here forever; I just never understood it. It has called to me for years, and I have avoided it like the plague because I couldn’t chance losing you. But I can’t do it anymore; I can’t hide it. I love you, Rome!”

He slowly blinks twice, then three times fast. He actually looks scared right now.
Oh no! What if he has only ever loved me like a sister?
I start to freak a little bit again. I go to stand up and walk away, but I stop and look at him. He is looking at me as if he can’t figure out who I am or what I am saying. “No, Rome, I love you, love you! I love you. The sun does not shine in my world if you aren’t around. I’d rather die than live without you. I love you so much, if you reached into my chest and tried to pull it out of my heart, you would rip your arms off first. This love I have for you, it’s the kind that devours you, the kind that changes your DNA. My vessels have intertwined around my heart just to hold it together because it’s bursting with so much love for you that it’s threatening to explode. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll love you every tomorrow for the rest of my life. I have always loved you, and I always will. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”