Tread Softly (23 page)

‘Darling, come and sit beside me.' She edged over to make room for him on the bed.

The invitation was ill-timed. He was sucking out his pipe to clear a blockage and could only answer with a series of phlegmy gulping noises. How she envied the love and attention he lavished on that pipe! She watched him unscrew the stem and probe it with a pipe-cleaner, finally removing a dollop of black, malodorous gunge. While he was thus preoccupied she wished that, like Anne, she could have phoned her friends on the mobile, but the wretched thing was again displaying an ‘Out of Service' message. Out of service, like her and Ralph of late.

All at once he put the pipe down and gripped the arms of his chair so hard his knuckles protruded like a row of marbles. ‘Lorna, I … I've something to tell you. Something serious.'

The blood drained from her cheeks. The house had burnt down. He'd crashed the car. He had cancer.

‘I … I don't know what you'll say. I've been lying awake night after night, trying to decide how to break it to you.'

Don't
, she begged. I can't take any more bad news.

But that was thoroughly selfish. If Ralph was in trouble he needed help. She studied his face: grim, and grey with tiredness. He was staring down at his lap, unable to meet her eyes. The fact that he had broached the subject yet couldn't bring himself to continue meant it
must
be serious. Lesser concerns he would hide.

‘Ralph, what … what is it?' She forced the words out, her voice sounding shrill and strained.

He was about to speak when Kathy put her head round the door. ‘I'm just going off duty, Lorna, so I thought I'd … Oh, sorry, Ralph, I didn't see you. How are you?'

‘OK,' he muttered, seizing his pipe and stuffing it in his pocket.

‘Did Lorna tell you what a star she was at darts today?'

‘Mm.'

‘I'm sorry, I'm in the way. I'll make myself scarce.'

‘No. Don't.' Suddenly Ralph was on his feet. Grabbing his coat and the hip-flask, he strode to the door. ‘I've got to go. I'm late.'

‘But Ralph, you were in the middle of –'

‘It'll have to wait. A client's ringing at nine and it's already twenty to. I'll phone you tomorrow.' And he hurried out, shouldering Kathy aside. No goodbye. No kiss.

Hesitantly, Kathy came back in. ‘I don't want to interfere, Lorna, but what on earth's going on? You look absolutely shattered.'

‘Ralph's in a bit of a … state.'

‘So I see. And last night he was as bad. He nearly bit my head off just for asking if he'd like a cup of tea.'

‘You should have offered him a double Scotch!' It wasn't easy to joke when her mind was in such turmoil. She longed to confide in Kathy, but it would be disloyal to Ralph, and she'd said far too much already about their peculiar marriage. Ralph preferred to maintain the pretence that they were a conventional couple, sharing meals and a bed.

Kathy settled herself in the chair. ‘I've nothing to go home for, so if you want a chat, feel free.'

‘Thanks, Kathy, you're a darling. But I don't actually know what's wrong. He seems awfully tense. And preoccupied. And drinking even more than usual.'

Kathy kicked off her shoes and curled her feet underneath her. ‘I'm not sure if I ought to say this, Lorna, but d' you think he might be having an affair?'

‘Oh
no
– not Ralph.'

‘How can you be certain? You say he's always travelling. Well, you wouldn't even know.'

‘He's … he's not the type. He believes in marriage and fidelity and all that sort of stuff.'

Kathy gave a snort. ‘That's the line Don used to take. He swore blind there was no one else – until I found her photo in his wallet.'

‘Kathy's right. He's met someone on one of his trips and fallen madly in love. And now she's pregnant.'

Lorna closed her eyes. She couldn't cope with the Monster on top of everything else. Surely Ralph wouldn't cheat on her – it just didn't seem in character. But perhaps he was beginning to weary of her panics and all her medical problems recently.

‘Yes, he's sick to the back teeth of you. He's found a girl in the pink of health, with nerves of steel and a huge bank balance.'

She pressed her hands against her head. If she were to lose Ralph, as she had lost Tom, and her father …

‘Lorna, are you all right?'

She nodded.

‘I didn't mean to upset you. I just hate to see you so cut up over Ralph. Is he really worth it? Forgive me being blunt, but I don't know why you stay with him.'

‘Oh, I couldn't function without him.'

‘But you could, Lorna – that's the whole point. You keep telling yourself he's strong and you're weak, but it's not true. If you ask me, he's the weak one, relying on booze and nicotine just to stop him falling apart.'

‘You don't understand. When I met him, it was
me
who was falling apart. God knows where I'd have ended up if he hadn't come along and saved me.'

‘But don't you see? – that was the myth he wanted to create: the great protector, keeping you from harm. How marvellous for his ego! Don was the same – the great protector who beat me black and blue.'

‘But Ralph isn't violent. He's never laid a finger on me.'

‘Yes, but he's such a grouch.'

‘Only because he's stressed.'

‘That's no excuse.
We're
stressed, you and me, but we don't go round snapping at everyone.'

Lorna winced as a pain skewered through her chest and side. ‘He doesn't normally snap. He's just not himself at the moment. And he has good points, don't forget. When he came on Sunday he wheeled me round the grounds for a whole hour. And he takes my dirty clothes home and brings them back washed and ironed.'

‘Big deal! You wouldn't say that about a woman, would you? It'd just be taken for granted that she'd do her husband's laundry.'

‘Exactly. That's why Ralph's the exception. Loads of men are useless around the house. In any case, look what he has to put up with – my stupid fears, and being stuck here out of action, and –'

‘Yes, but most of the time he gets a wife who's extremely capable, and more or less runs his business.'

‘I don't, Kathy! I'm just a glorified secretary. In fact I
was
his secretary to start with.'

‘Really? I didn't know that.'

‘Well, it was ages ago. We both worked at Atlantic Plastics. He was one of their top engineers, and I was his general factotum. But the company went bust in the recession, so we found ourselves out of a job. That's when he decided to set up his own business and he asked if I'd like to come and work for him.' How amazed she'd been that Mr Important (Inscrutable) Pearson should require the services of the scatty and self-conscious Miss Maguire with her ponytail and bitten nails. ‘So I swapped my grotty bedsit in Staines for a four-bedroomed house in Queen's Hill Drive.'

‘You married for money, you mean?' Kathy said with a complicit grin.

‘Certainly not! I may have been naive, but the thought never even occurred to me. Besides, we weren't married at that stage. I just moved in to save the hassle of travelling. I didn't have a car and the buses were practically non-existent, especially at night. We often worked till nine or ten, you see, and –'

‘And when did he first swoop?'

‘Oh, it wasn't like that. His wife had recently died and he was terribly cut up about it.'

‘You mean the two of you shared a house and he never laid a finger on you? Don't you think that's odd?'

‘No, I think it was rather decent. I was at a pretty low ebb myself. I'd just been ditched by a guy called Tom, and … You don't want to hear all this.'

‘I do. I'm interested. It sounds to me as if you both married out of need. He was bereaved and you were dumped, so it was a good solution at the time. But maybe now you ought to look at things more critically. It's a bit like your crutches, if you'll pardon the analogy. You rely on them at present to get about, but soon you'll be able to do without them.'

Lorna was too shocked to answer. Do without Ralph? What a glib, unfeeling remark!

‘I mean, what's in the marriage for
you
?'

‘A lot! Love, and sex … And security.' She broke off. Kathy
wasn't
glib or unfeeling.

‘It doesn't sound as if you're secure. You told me you're always worried about the business.'

Yes,
and
the bills, Lorna thought. And sex was so sporadic. But perhaps only because he was involved with someone else.

‘Dead right!' the Monster chortled. ‘Why d'you think he dashed off just now? Not to take a client's call but to jump into bed with his fancy-woman.'

‘Anyway, Ralph's ancient. He looks more like your father than your husband.'

Lorna flushed. It was a comment that never failed to wound and invariably made her defensive. ‘You've got the wrong idea about our marriage, Kathy. On the whole it's worked out well. But two years ago the business ran into a bad patch, and that put us under pressure. It just seemed to be one thing after another. For instance, we quoted for a big council project – a leisure complex, with tennis-courts, bowling-greens and an all-purpose pitch and running-track. It would have been a fantastic job and brought in masses more work. We spent ages planning it, attending endless meetings with surveyors and local councillors, but then the budget was drastically cut and they cancelled – just like that. And not long afterwards one of our best clients went bankrupt and he owed us thousands of pounds. We never recovered any of it, even though we … I'm sorry, Kathy, I'm boring you.'

‘Not at all. But the way I see it, you're using the business as an excuse for more deep-seated problems between you and Ralph.'

Was Kathy right? She couldn't tell, couldn't think coherently. She was too worried about the bombshell waiting to drop.

Kathy got up to pull the curtains. She was the only nurse to bother with such details – small things but significant, like making sure the water-jug was filled, or asking how you were each morning and wishing you goodnight. ‘I shouldn't really tell you this, but quite a few of the male carers have got the hots for you. You're so attractive you could get any guy you wanted.'

‘Don't be ridiculous, Kathy! I look an absolute fright.'

‘There you go again – putting yourself down. Don't you see? – that's part of it. When I was married I lost every shred of confidence. I let Don walk all over me. But I'll never allow it to happen again.'

Lorna scratched miserably at her rash. Because Kathy had escaped a destructive marriage, she saw everything in terms of herself and Don. The situation with Ralph was more complex. Admittedly the relationship left a lot to be desired, but they did have things in common – negative things, maybe, but no less important for that. They had each started out with a mistrust of life, an experience of grief and loss that had left them nervous yet longing for commitment. They had both lain awake at their respective boarding-schools, wishing they were less different from the others, with proper parents and a house that felt like home. And, although it was so long ago, it had forged a bond between them – one Kathy could never fathom.

‘Some bond!' the Monster sneered. ‘He's leaving you. Tonight.'

‘Don't be silly. He wouldn't just walk out.'

‘It may be something worse, of course. They've discovered a tumour on the lung. I mean, he can't expect to smoke and drink without –'

The Monster's words were drowned by a sudden crash outside the door, followed by a cascade of breaking china.

Kathy jumped. ‘What's that, for heaven's sake? Your hot drink gone for a burton by the sound of it.'

‘What hot drink? I never get one. Well, apart from tea at four.'

‘Really, Lorna? That's bad! You should have ovaltine or Horlicks every evening. I'll make sure it's sorted out.'

‘Don't worry, I'm not fussed. I can't stand Horlicks anyway.'

‘That's not the point. It's my job to see that the care assistants do what they're paid to do, which includes offering every patient a bedtime drink. In fact I'll go and have a word with someone now.'

‘But you're meant to be off duty.'

‘It doesn't matter. The night nurse may not realize. She's a new girl, from an agency.'

Kathy must be dead on her feet. She'd been rushing around since half past eight this morning, combining the roles of nurse, carer, administrator and even activities assistant: she had sat through the whole of the darts session, helping those with the shakes, removing a lady who'd soiled herself, bringing pills for Sydney, and comforting a poor old thing who was convinced she'd been sent away from home as a punishment for stealing sweets – although in Kathy's eyes no patient was ever a ‘poor old thing'. She treated them all with the utmost respect – which couldn't be said of most of the other staff.

Kathy slipped her shoes back on. ‘In any case, I must leave you to rest. I've been talking far too long. You look exhausted.'

‘I'm … fine.' Never had ‘fine' seemed so insincere. Her entire world could be in ruins. As soon as Kathy had gone she planned to ring Ralph, to confirm he was in fact at home. No, she couldn't – the wretched mobile didn't work. Had he given her a faulty one on purpose, so she couldn't check up on him? Now she was being paranoid.

‘Goodnight,' Kathy called from the door. ‘Sleep well. I'll get someone to bring your pills.'

Sleep well? No chance. True, she
had
been sleeping better (with the aid of ear-plugs and stronger pain-killers) but tonight a thousand new fears would conspire to keep her awake. Kathy didn't realize how vulnerable she was. She needed Ralph – needed him alive and healthy and faithful.