Treading Water (26 page)

“
It
is
crazy, but I’ve been looking for
you everywhere, and now here you are.” He held her close as the sun
set in brilliant pinks and oranges, and he felt a peace come over
him that he’d never known before. Looking into her amazing eyes, he
had no doubt she was the one for him. “I love you, Clare. I’ve
never said that to anyone before, and I mean it. I don’t ever want
to be without you again.”

“
I love you, too. I can’t
believe it, but it’s true.”

He kissed her with a kind of passion he
hadn’t known he was capable of, and there on the bluffs at sunset,
he made love with her for the first time.

They were married six months later. She left
her job in Mystic to live with him in Boston, where they’d had a
great apartment on Beacon Hill. He remembered how happy they’d been
during those first years together. While he put in long hours for
Neil, she worked part time for the city’s school system until they
were expecting Jill, and Jack insisted she take it easy.

The estate she’d admired from afar on Block
Island became her summer home. She and the girls moved out there as
soon as school got out each summer, and Jack commuted back and
forth on weekends. Clare didn’t work again until Maggie went to
first grade, when she began a successful new career in real estate.
By then they’d settled in Rhode Island, and he was busy getting HBA
established with Jamie. They adored their girls and spent countless
hours at dance recitals and soccer games as the girls and their
friends grew up.

Until the months before the accident, he’d
never known a moment of discontent with her, which had made losing
her so agonizing. As the sun peeked through the drapes, he forced
himself to get up and put the pile of paper back in the envelope.
He was unable to bring himself to look at anything other than the
one card he’d opened the night before. When he was done, he tucked
the envelope away in his own closet.

That’s when it hit him that today was their
twentieth anniversary. Staggered anew by the realization, he sagged
against the door frame and had to summon the will to finish the job
he’d begun the night before.

Moving fast, he finished going through the
rest of her clothes, cleaned out her dresser and her half of their
bathroom. Suddenly, it was critical to have it all gone. When
everything was in boxes, he took them to a corner of the attic
until they were stacked together, Clare’s life reduced to a group
of boxes under the dusty eaves of the house he’d built for her.

He went back to the bedroom, shutting the
door to the now empty closet and the dresser drawers he’d left open
in his haste. Changing into warm running clothes, he left the house
a minute later to run on the beach. He needed to move, to sweat, to
flee from the fresh pain of an old wound reopening.

When he’d run the length of the deserted
beach, he turned back, breathing hard and sweating. One of Kate’s
favorite songs, “Sand and Water,” came on his iPod as he watched
the gulls dive for fish in the frigid surf. He slowed his pace and
tuned into the song’s haunting refrain about how we come into this
world alone and leave alone. Despite all the people and love in his
life, in that moment Jack felt utterly and completely alone.

As he listened to the song’s final notes, he
realized he’d stopped in front of Clare’s condo. He stood there,
breathing hard for a long time, until he looked up to find Sally
watching him from the window.

She waved to him, gesturing him inside.

He walked up the beach and over the
dunes.

Chapter 19

Sally met him at the door. “You’re out early
today, Jack. Are you all right?”

Nodding, he wiped the sweat off his
face.

“
Is everything okay with
the girls?”

“
Yeah, they’re on the
cruise with Clare’s mother.”

“
Oh, good. Anna was here
before they left, and she was excited about the trip.” Sally led
him into the kitchen where she had brewed a fresh pot of coffee.
She poured him a cup and studied him. “You want to talk about
it?”

Surprised that she’d seen right through him,
he looked down at his coffee. “I was packing up some things last
night, some things of Clare’s. It was a lot harder than I thought
it would be. I don’t know what I was expecting, but…”

“
I’m sure it was very
difficult for you, Jack. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now
but you’ve probably taken another step in your recovery. One of the
key stages of grief is acceptance.”

“
Is that what I’m doing?
Accepting all this?” He gestured angrily at the condo.

“
I don’t know. Are
you?”

“
Well, my girlfriend and
her son are moving here from Chicago to live with me, so I guess I
am.” When he saw that he’d failed to shock the older woman, he set
down the mug, feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

“
You must love her very
much to make that kind of commitment to her.”

“
I do,” he whispered, all
the fight draining out of him. He sat down hard on one of the
kitchen chairs, and held his head between his hands.

Sally sat next to him.

“
I’m so sorry,” he said. “I
have no idea what’s wrong with me. I’m thrilled to have Andi and
Eric coming.”

Sally squeezed his shoulder. “Please don’t
apologize to me. I’m glad I was here when you needed a friendly
ear.”

“
Clare and I were married
twenty years ago today.”

“
It’s all piling up on you,
isn’t it?” She paused. “Want my take?”

He nodded. “Please.”

“
You’re about to take a big
step forward with Andi by making room for her in your home and your
heart. You’re leaving Clare behind—much more so than you have
already.”

“
I never wanted to leave
Clare behind.”

“
I know.” She rested a hand
on top of his. “But it’s probably time, don’t you
think?”

“
I guess so. I’m sorry to
show up here in this condition.”

“
I told you not to
apologize to me,” she said in her stern mother’s voice.

He gave her a weak smile as he got up. “I’d
like to spend some time with Clare, if that’s all right.”

“
Of course. Take your
time.”

He went into Clare’s room and sat in the
chair next to her bed, thinking about the stack of cards she’d
saved and wondering once again what could’ve happened to drive her
away from him in the months before the accident. As he stared at
the diminished woman in the hospital bed, hundreds of memories from
twenty years flooded him, culminating with her standing in front of
a speeding car. He still couldn’t believe the Clare he’d known and
loved would do such a thing, and even after all this time he
couldn’t accept that she’d done it on purpose.

“
I like to think you can
hear me,” he whispered. Rising, he bent over the bedrail to press a
kiss to her forehead. “Twenty years ago today was one of the best
days of my life. Happy anniversary, Clare. I love you.” Overcome by
a flood of happier memories, he stood by her bed for a long time,
brushing his fingers through her hair, before he turned to leave
the room.

On the way out, he thanked Sally again.

“
I hope it all works out
for you and your Andi,” she said as she saw him out the
door.

He reached out to squeeze her hand.
“Thanks.”

The refrain from the song he had listened to
earlier ran through his head during the short jog home, reminding
him that, despite the painful loss, he had every reason to be
thankful for the life he had now.

Between the awful scene with her mother and
the odd conversation with Jack, Andi had tossed and turned all
night. At four in the morning, she finally got up, knowing it was
pointless to try to sleep until she was sure he was okay. She’d
never heard him sound that way before, and she knew something was
very wrong.

By seven she couldn’t wait another minute to
talk to him but got the answering machine at home and voice mail on
his cell phone. His voice on the message made her yearn for him
while she waited to hear from him.

She was thinking about calling the airlines
by the time he rang her cell phone at nine. “Jack? Are you all
right? I’ve been so worried.”

“
I’m sorry,
hon.”

“
What’s wrong?”

“
I, um, I cleaned out
Clare’s stuff last night. It was a lot harder than I’d expected it
to be. I’m sorry you were worried.”

Andi ached for him. “You did that all by
yourself? Why didn’t you wait to let someone help you?”

“
I wanted to get it done,
and it seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said with a wry
chuckle.

“
I’m so sorry it was tough
for you.” She swallowed hard. “Do you want to put our plans on hold
for a while to give yourself some more time?”

“
I don’t want more time,
Andi,” he said with a desperate edge to his voice. “I want you
here. I
need
you
here.”

“
If you’re
sure…”

“
I’m sure. Nothing’s
changed. So how did it go with your mother?”

“
Just as I thought it
would,” she said with a sigh. “She’s ‘very disappointed’ in both of
us.”

“
I’d hoped she’d be more
supportive of you.”

“
It was more or less what I
expected, but it did hurt a little.”

“
I’m sorry, hon. I wish you
were already here.”

“
Me, too. Are you lonely in
that big house by yourself?”

“
Kind of. It’s way too
quiet.”

“
I can imagine. Where are
you now?”

“
On my way to the
office.”

“
Will you be
okay?”

“
I’m better now that I’ve
talked to you. I’m sorry you were worried.”

“
I love you, Jack. You know
I’m here if you need me, right?”

“
I know. I love you, too.
Have a good day. I’ll call you tonight.”

“
Talk to you then.” She
hung up but still felt anxious. Something wasn’t right. She thought
about it for a few minutes and then picked up the phone
again.

As Jack opened a beer and put a frozen pizza
in the oven, the doorbell rang, startling him. He wondered who was
there at that hour.

He opened the front door and was stunned to
find Andi on his doorstep. Her long dark hair was in a ponytail and
she wore jeans with a black leather jacket. He’d never been so
happy to see her. “What’re you doing here?”

“
You were lonely,” she said
with a casual shrug. “You gonna let me in?”

He stepped aside. “Of course.”

She dropped her bag in the front hall and
reached up to brush the hair back from his brow, the loving gesture
so familiar that he nearly swooned with need as she drew him into
her arms.

“
How’d you know I needed
you?” He rested his forehead on her shoulder and breathed in the
scent he would recognize anywhere.

“
The same way you knew I
needed you when Eric was sick.”

He lifted his head to find her eyes. “How’d
you get here?”

“
The slowest cab in all of
Rhode Island. What’s burning?”

“
Shit!” He grabbed her hand
and pulled her along with him to the kitchen where he retrieved the
pizza just before it turned black. “Hungry?”

“
That’s what you’re
eating?” She took in his old T-shirt and ratty sweats. “The
situation’s worse than I thought.”

He smiled and shrugged. “It was here, and it
looked good.”

“
Don’t let me stand between
you and your fine cuisine.”

“
Want some?”

“
I’ll pass.” She opened a
bottle of wine and poured a glass as he ate the whole pizza.
“That’s really gross.”

“
I ran six miles today,” he
said as he finished the pizza and drained his bottle of
beer.

She got him another beer, opened it for him,
and joined him at the table. “What’s wrong, Jack?”

He took her hand and kissed it. “Nothing
now.”

“
What was wrong earlier,
then?”

Standing to put his plate in the sink, he
took a sip of his beer and turned back to her. “Let’s go in by the
fire.”

The temperature outside had dipped well
below freezing, and the fire cast some welcome extra heat upon the
family room as they sat together on the sofa. Waiting to hear what
he had to say, Andi fought back panic. She realized she’d never
seen him so disheveled or so undone. Whatever had happened the
night before had clearly shaken him. His dark hair stood on end, as
if he’d been running his fingers through it all day, and his face
was scruffy with whiskers. It was the despondency she saw in his
eyes, however, that was the most disconcerting. Loving him so much
she ached with it, she had no idea what she’d do if he’d changed
his mind about them.

“
I can’t believe you came
all this way.” He twirled a curl around his finger. “Where’s
Eric?”

“
My mom was happy to watch
him. Her time with him will be limited, so she was glad to have him
to herself for a little while.”

“
Just a little
while?”

“
As long as you need
me.”

“
You’d better get
comfortable.”