Trepidation (2 page)

“We’ve got no time for regrets. It might sound cliché, but life really is too short for that.”

“That sounds good on a bumper sticker or coffee cup, but it’s hard to live by when the burden is so heavy. I killed a man in self-defense, Jan. How can I not regret that? It will always haunt me. I guess...well, this whole thing has changed me into someone I don’t recognize, made me do things I never thought I’d do. Maybe everything’s just catching up to me.”

“You need to let go of all the blame, anger, and pain. Don’t worry about past mistakes or failures, sweetie. Nobody can judge us for acts we’ve done while trying to survive in this new world. Heck, I had to shoot my mother, father, and sister the first day. I mourn their loss every day, but I also know they’d want me to go on, and I’ll tell you what. That zombie virus might’ve taken my family, but I refuse to live like a prisoner. I’m gonna enjoy my kids every chance I get.”

“Mommy! Mommy,” a little girl said. “Are you gonna dance in the rain with us?”

“Yes, baby,” she said. “I most certainly am!”

The rain began to pour down in sheets, and I watched Jan and her children laugh and dance. In all that darkness and gloom that surrounded us, I finally saw a shining light.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t regret the past or fear the future.
Then, for just a quick moment, I felt my lips curl into a tiny smile.

***

I
wanted to go back to the lab, but Nick insisted that I wait until things settled down. I waited for a week, and even though the snow had come, I was still determined to go. 

Huge snowflakes fell as I stared at the monstrous pile of rubble before me. The smell of concrete and metal filled the air when the wind blew in our direction. I was dressed in a brown coat, a white shirt, ripped jeans, and scruffy black boots. My feet crunched in the snow as I slowly walked over to the ashes of what once had been the lab, all of it destroyed in the explosion Jonathon had singlehandedly caused in the fear that if any of us lived, we’d expose the entire world to the virus. He’d gladly triggered the self-destruct mechanism and was happy to die a martyr. Luckily, he didn’t take most of us with him. Still, Steven was mourning his death and had even insisted on holding a funeral for him. I’d attended, but only because I didn’t believe he was involved with the tortuous experiments in the basement of the lab.

“This place brings back so many painful memories, Dean,” Claire said. “We were drowning in lies. I was locked up in that jail cell, used as a human pincushion, Jackie was killed here, and mad scientists did horrible experiments in their evil laboratory hidden deep underground.”

Really, Claire and I just wanted to go back to the site where Jackie was buried, so we could grieve properly, maybe get some sort of much-needed closure. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come out. I was pretty numb inside and didn’t even know the right words to say. I glanced over my shoulder at some of the guys who were standing guard, with their Glocks and rifles ready to go, since Max had insisted they come with us; we had plenty of firepower in case any zombies decided to show up at the party uninvited. The zombie herd had left, though, so for the time being, it seemed the city was safe. No zombie would cross the perimeter of the greater part of the city due to an explosion a few months back. I was packing some serious firepower of my own, with my trusty rifle slung over my chest. In that new world of ours, strapping on a gun every single day was the new reality.

“Just pretend like we’re not here,” one of the guys called. “I know Claire said she’d rather be by herself, but you shouldn’t go anywhere without somebody havin’ your back.”

I nodded. “Yeah, we know. Thanks, guys.”

“Take all the time you need. We got you covered!” he shouted back.

Claire said a few words for all those who had lost their lives. During the following moment of silence, she let out a sob, knelt, and placed a bouquet of artificial flowers on the debris-scattered remains of the floor. “This nightmare will never be behind me,” she said, “but I’ll never forget you either. You were more than just my cousin. You were my best friend, and you’ll live in my heart forever.”

I then set down some artificial red roses, and they showed up brilliantly in the snow. “Jackie,” I said, “not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could have one more kiss or hug from you. I know you want us to go on, and I’m sure you’d hate all this mushy stuff and all this fuss. We’ll move on, Jackie, for you. We’ll never stop trying to make this world the place you would have wished for, and one day, it will be. Ultimately, zombies are just dead humans, and they’ll continue to rot. If we can survive four or five more years, we’ll get our world back. They’ll die out, but we’ll still be here, making the world you loved as beautiful as you were.”

“We will get our world back,” Claire promised. “It’s just gonna take some time.”

I took a step closer and laid down a second bouquet of flowers that Val had made. “This is for all who were lost on that tragic day. May you rest in peace.”

We stood there, holding each other. Claire cried in my arms, and I held her close for a long time. We didn’t even care about the cold or the snow. I could think of no more words to say. I tried to hide my hurt, but deep down, my heart ached. Jackie had touched me in a way I was sure no other girl could ever could, and she’d always be in my heart.

“I didn’t want this to be Jackie’s final resting place,” Claire said. “I tried everything to find her body, but I guess my best just wasn’t good enough.”

I touched her back. “You have every right to be upset, but we can’t change the past, Claire.”

“No, we can’t,” she whispered.

“Jackie is at peace,” I said. “She’d want us to go on.”

She stood. “I know. She always used to say, ‘Tomorrow’s a new day.’”

I gripped her hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

She stood and met my gaze directly, her blue eyes shining in the bright sunlight. “But I’m gonna make sure that Charlie pays for betraying us.”

“Another name for your hit list?”

Her lips pressed into grim lines as the wind swirled her hair around. “Yep. I’m gonna destroy him, trash his face, then feed him to the zombies.”

“Geesh. I hope you never get pissed at me.”

She walked over and hugged me, long and tight. “You’ll never be on my list, Dean, but I can’t say the same for your brother. Why isn’t he here anyway?”

“The others had to go with Max. It was an emergency, and—”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. A zombie threat to check out.”

“You know how Nick is. He lives and breathes zombie-bashing. Plus, he feels this intense need to protect us and keep us safe.”

“He cares so much about us,” she said.

“Yep, and he fights fiercely for those he cares about,” I said, glancing over at Claire. She was so beautiful, so loyal, so sweet. I watched her red hair blow in the wind as her blue eyes shimmered. She was so tough and refused to be that timid girl we’d met in the woods. She was brave, determined to make her own path in life. She was broken, but hope brought her strength and courage.
Or maybe she’s just fueled by revenge.
I figured it was really a little of both. Claire had vowed to move forward and to keep Jackie’s memory alive, and she’d done just that by facing so many obstacles. She never lost her balance, even when the tide turned against her. She just fought harder, and I had to admire that. In the dog-eat-dog world, survival of the fittest was becoming the new norm, and Claire was proving herself quite fit.
My brother’s an idiot
, I thought.
How can he not see the beauty of what’s standing right in front of him, right within his reach?

“I don’t know if we’ll last a week, a month, years, or forever, but I do know one thing, Dean.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll never figure Nick out.”

“Heh. Well, don’t beat yourself up about it. He’s my brother, and even
I
can’t figure him out,” I said.

“But it’s just not Nick I’m frustrated about. It’s just...I wish I had more answers. At least we figured out the animal thing, and it’s good to know we don’t have another epidemic on our hands, but I wanna know who was in charge. Who made Asia, Kate, Sam, Larry, and the others go through those horrible experiments? Who’s the lunatic behind all that?”

“We’ve got nothin’ but time,” I said, wrapping my arm around her as we started walking back to my car.

Max had given cars to both of us for our undercover work, though they were nothing fancy. Claire’s was a Honda Civic, and mine was some kind of black Mazda. Nick and the others had secured their own transportation. There were plenty of vehicles to choose from, as long as someone could figure out how to make them run and provide enough gasoline. Luckily, there were a couple of fantastic mechanics in the complex who were more than happy to help anyone with any car repairs. We walked for the most part, but we go for a spin every once in a while, especially in cold weather or when we had to go too far to travel on foot.

“Dean!” one of the men called.

“Yeah?” I said, spinning around.

He peered through his scope. “Get in your car! We’ve got unidentified company.”

M
y first thought was zombies, but then I saw a black truck cruising down the street toward us. I had no idea who it was; it could have been anyone, from one of the locals to a new person in town, or maybe even a gang member out house-shopping, ready to stake their claim on the city.

I grabbed Claire’s hand and pulled her toward my Mazda. If there was a problem, I was sure the guys could handle it, and I knew Claire didn’t need the headache with the emotional torment she was already going through. My goal was to get Claire home and make her lunch—nothing fancy, but some kind of canned food and a few fresh vegetables from what Rachel had brought from the greenhouse. Only in a post-apocalyptic world could I ever have been considered a chef, because I couldn’t cook to save my life. Opening a can came naturally to me though.

We hopped in, and I started the car. When I saw one of the guys approaching, I rolled down the window. “You got this handled?”  I asked.

“Yeah. Just get back to the apartment,” he said. “We’ll talk to these guys and see what they want. I’m sure they’re just passing through.”

I nodded, then sped off.

Claire leaned back and buckled herself in.

I turned left down the next street and started cruising back to the apartment.

“Thanks for coming, Dean,” Claire said. “It means the world to me.”

“Of course I’d come. I loved Jackie too.”

“I know you did. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have gone into zombie-infested territory at three a.m. to dig up Jackie’s body.”

“Yeah. Only
we’re
nuts enough to do that,” I said, “because we loved her that much.”

“Yeah, we did, and I know we’ll always cherish every memory we had with her.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Hey, Dean, that truck we saw back by the lab is following us.”

I swallowed hard and glanced into the rearview mirror, wondering why the guys hadn’t handled it. It was then that I realized that the men in that truck weren’t just random survivors. My gut told me it was a gang of troublemakers, and I wondered if they’d made quick work of killing those we’d left behind to fend them off.

“Whoever it is, they’re speeding to catch up with us,” she said.

Continuing to look in the rearview mirror, I pressed the gas. The menacing black truck continued to pursue us, but no matter what, I wasn’t going to let them hurt Claire.
She’s been through hell already,
I thought.
She doesn’t need this crap...and neither do I.
 

“Dean!” she screamed. “Floor it! We gotta go faster!”

“Are they gang members?” I asked, gripping the steering wheel till my knuckles were white, wishing Max had hooked me up with a Ferrari instead of a Mazda.

“I-I think so,” she breathed out. “I don’t wanna have a run-in with them out here, Dean,” she said. “It’d be nice to surprise them on their own turf, with a good plan and lots of backup, but not here. We’re outnumbered, probably six to two.”

“I know,” I said. I hit the gas, but I didn’t know how long I could keep up that reckless pace in all the ice and snow. The tires spun, and we fishtailed every once in a while, and I was worried about flying off the road. When I hit a rut, the car rattled. I gritted my teeth, fighting to keep control of the automobile as we swerved left, then right. The tires squealed, but I accelerated and drove like a madman through the slush and snow. The speedometer shot up to sixty, but I continued to floor it. A cold chill ran through me when I felt the car skidding around the turns.

Speeding rapidly in pursuit, the truck continued to gain on us, likely having a lot less trouble since it was probably a four-by-four with rear-wheel drive.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and wiped the beads of sweat from my brow. The car suddenly jolted when the truck slammed into our back bumper. I gasped and jerked my head back around.

“They’re trying to run us off the road!” Claire shouted, horrified.

The tires spun, and the wet brakes squealed. My stomach lurched, and white-knuckled panic flooded through me when we hit a patch of ice too fast and completely spun out like some crazed amusement park ride gone wrong. With no traction in the snow, we swerved violently to the right, then veered off the side of the road and flipped over into the ditch. I shuddered as the car filled with smoke from the radiator. My vision was blurry, and I was a bit confused, but I saw Claire’s airbag deploy; mine, on the other hand, didn’t. Pain exploded in my head from slamming my skull into the steering wheel. Stars spun in my vision, and I wiped blood off my forehead, but my only concern was my passenger. “Hey, are you okay?” I asked, releasing my seatbelt and leaning down to look at her.

“Yeah. How about you?”

“I’m fine.”

I helped Claire unbuckle her seatbelt so we could make a quick escape, but we had no such luck.

“Get ready! They’re coming,” Claire said, letting out a long breath and reaching for her gun.