True Colors (14 page)

“Why shouldn’t I? You’ve been a real bitch lately. Would it kill you to just say congratulations, Vivi? Way to go? The jackpot kicked ass today.”

“I would have said all of that earlier . . . if you hadn’t been avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you. I just don’t want to hear it.”

“Hear what?”

“You know.”

“He loves you,” Winona said quietly, “and he might not see that something’s wrong, but I do.”

Exactly the words Vivi Ann had been avoiding. “I’m marrying him, aren’t I?”

“Yeah. And why is that?”

“Are you asking as his friend or my sister?”

“What difference does it make?”

“Plenty.”

Winona seemed to consider that, and then said, “Okay. Let me be your sister for a minute. About Dallas. I’m worried—”

“You’re always worried.” Vivi Ann pulled away from the barn. “I’ve got to go, Win. All this craziness is upsetting the animals.” She practically rushed for the barn door and ducked inside. At Clem’s stall, she opened the door and went inside, resting her forehead on the mare’s soft neck. “She’s right, Clem, something is wrong and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Her horse nickered and gently nudged her thigh. Vivi Ann scratched her ears and whispered, “I know, girl. I’ll do the right thing.”

Then she left the stall, bolting it behind her, and went out the barn’s back door and into the falling twilight.

Renegade was at the fence, running wild, galloping back and forth around the paddock, skidding to a stop at either end and pivoting to start again.

“Whoa, boy,” she said, going to him. “It’s okay. The roping is over. It’ll be quiet again soon.” She reached out to touch his silky neck, but he reared up and spun away. “It’s okay, boy,” she said, trying to soothe him with her voice.

“I can’t get you out of my head,” Dallas said softly from behind her.

She turned. This was what she’d been looking for, why she was here, although she hadn’t admitted it to herself until right now. She tilted her chin just a little, waiting . . .

The kiss was like nothing she’d experienced before. It lifted her up and twirled her around and plunged her to the ground. She clung to him as she’d never clung to another human being in her adulthood, as if he alone could save her.

“Vivi Ann!”

She heard her name being called as if from underwater, far away. It came again before she returned to herself and reality.

“I have to go,” she said, pushing Dallas away.

He grabbed her elbow, held her close. “I want you,” he said in a low voice. “And you want me.”

She wrenched free and ran back along the side of the barn. In the parking lot, she found both of her sisters as well as Richard and Luke; they were all waiting for her.

“There you are,” Winona said, her sharp gaze scanning the area behind them. Was she looking for Dallas? Did she suspect something? “We thought we’d go out and celebrate the jackpot’s success.”

“Oh,” Vivi Ann said, trying to look casual. “Sounds great.”

Later, at just past one o’clock in the morning, Vivi Ann sat on the top porch step, with a sister on either side of her. She had a nice little buzz going, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to muddle her mind. “Who wants to do tequila straight shots?”

“No, thanks,” Aurora said. “I need to get home. Richard said he’d wait up for me.”

“Win?” Vivi Ann said. “You in?”

“Are you kidding? I’m exhausted.”

Vivi Ann put her hands behind her and leaned back, looking past the porch roof to the night sky. On the rise behind the barn, a light came on, a little yellow firefly of color amid the darkness.

I want you . . . And you want me
.

She turned to Aurora, who sat beside her, studying the tiny flags on her scarlet nails. “Aurora, how did you know Richard was the one?”

Aurora cocked her head just enough to make eye contact. In the orangey porch light, her face was a mask of light and shadow. “Because he asked.”

“That’s it? Because he asked you to marry him?”

“No. Because he asked me everything. Was I warm enough? Did I like the movie? Where do you want to go for dinner? Richard is . . . kind. Like Luke.” Aurora gave her a little jut of the chin that was its own question. “I dated a lot of unkind men before—you all remember Dylan and Mike. Anyway, I was tired of being hurt when Richard came along.”

“Why don’t you just admit it, Vivi?” Winona said. “You don’t know if you love Luke.”

“She knows if she loves him,” Aurora said. “And she knows if she doesn’t. What she’s asking is if she should settle.”

“Settle?” Winona said sharply. “That’s ridiculous. It’s Luke Connelly we’re talking about.”

Aurora looked at Winona. “You’re
her
sister,” Aurora said. “Don’t forget that, Win.”

“How could I?” Winona muttered. “You two remind me often enough.”

“It’s been the three of us since Mom died,” Aurora said, still staring at Winona as she spoke. “Pea, Bean, and Sprout. We can get pissed off at each other and scream and shout and cry—that’s okay, that’s being sisters. But we stick together. And right now Vivi Ann is asking us some hard questions. Perhaps things should have been said months ago, but they weren’t, and now we live with that. You understand? We live with it.” She turned and looked at Vivi Ann. “Here’s the truth, Vivi: there are worse things than marrying a decent man and hoping to be content.”

“What about passion?” Vivi Ann said quietly.

“Passion fades,” Aurora said. She tried to smile, but it was false, that smile, and her eyes said something else entirely.

For the first time Vivi Ann wondered if Aurora wore all that makeup as camouflage, to hide the unhappiness of a dull marriage. “But there are better things, too. Is that what you’re saying?” As she said it, she couldn’t help glancing up at the hill, at that yellow dot.

“Are you sure you want to marry Luke?” Winona said. “If you don’t, it’s okay. Just admit it.”

Vivi Ann forced a smile. How could she admit what she didn’t know? It was insane to want Dallas the way she did. There was no way it would last. She’d just have to quit thinking about him. “I’m just nervous, that’s all. Marriage is such a big deal.”

Winona was watching closely, like a hunting dog on point. She didn’t look convinced. Had she seen Vivi Ann’s involuntary glance at the cabin?

But Aurora said, “That’s only natural,” and the conversation landed safely.

“Well, I’m beat,” Vivi Ann said. “Thanks for the help today.” She hugged each of her sisters, then walked them to their cars and watched them drive away. When they were gone, she went inside the house. At her bedroom window, she looked at the small yellow light burning in the trees. He was up there. Waiting.

“I just won’t go,” she said as she got ready for bed.

Throughout the rest of June, Vivi Ann woke at dawn and made breakfast for three, leaving the meal on the table. Every day she mumbled excuses to her father about why she couldn’t stay for the meal. Instead, she focused all her efforts on running Water’s Edge, and the ranch was becoming more successful than she could have imagined. All of the stalls were full now, and there was a waiting list. Vivi Ann’s classes and clinics were full, too, as were Dallas’s. For the first time in her father’s life, he was shoeing horses only when he felt like it. The rest of the time he spent working on the ranch, doing things that had been overlooked for years—like painting the fences and repairing the dock.

Vivi Ann should have been on top of the world, and in many ways she was. She felt stronger these days, more sure of herself. The only problem was Dallas.

Whenever she saw him, or thought of him, she mentally repeated her vow:
I won’t go to him.
She used these words as a talisman. When she saw Dallas out by the fence, wearing a sweat-dampened T-shirt, hammering a new nail in place, and then looking up suddenly, smiling at her—

I won’t go to him
.

Or when he paused in mucking out a stall and rested a tattooed bicep on the pitchfork’s handle, staring at her—

I won’t
.

It had taken a toll on her, all that concentrated avoidance. More than once in the past month she’d had to make excuses for her odd behavior. Several times she’d told Luke and her sisters that she felt sick, and, in the way of lies, it had become the truth. By mid-July, a headache had taken up permanent residence in her left temple, and longing had tightened her chest until sometimes she could barely breathe. No matter what she told herself or how fast she moved during the day, her desire for Dallas remained, growing along with her guilt.

She was a wreck. She expected her sisters to comment on her uncharacteristic silences, but they didn’t seem to notice. Now the family was gathered in the living room on a Saturday night, waiting for Richard to show up so they could go to the Silverdale Fairgrounds. Tonight was the last night of the county rodeo, and for the first time in years, Vivi Ann hadn’t entered. She was simply too busy to barrel-race anymore.

“What do you think of that, Vivi Ann? Vivi?”

She looked up, realizing too late that she hadn’t been paying attention and everyone was looking at her.

“Do you feel okay?” Aurora asked.

“I’ve got a headache,” Vivi Ann answered, rubbing her temple.

“Do you want some aspirin?”

“No, thanks.”

“Maybe you should bag the rodeo,” Winona said, watching her. Lately Winona was
always
watching her. “It’ll be a late night and you don’t want to miss church in the morning.”

“But Luke is supposed to meet her there,” Aurora said.

That did it. She couldn’t handle seeing her fiancé. It was becoming harder and harder to be with him. Every quietly respectful kiss made her want something more. Someone else. She couldn’t stand how guilty she felt every time he told her he loved her.

“Winona is right,” Vivi Ann said. “The last thing I need tonight is to stay out late. Maybe some sleep will help. You all better go on without me. Tell Luke I didn’t feel well.”

“You sure?” was Dad’s contribution to the conversation. It wasn’t much, just two words that reminded her the Grey family always went to the Silverdale rodeo together. Another thing she couldn’t make herself care about lately. “I’m sure.”

And with her father’s nod, it was over.

When Richard finally arrived, Vivi Ann walked them all out to his huge Suburban and said goodbye. Back in the house, she poured herself a glass of wine and ran a nice, hot bath.

She stretched out in the claw-foot tub and leaned back against the slick porcelain. The sweet scent of lavender drifted up from the water. One by one, the muscles in her body relaxed, until she felt completely languid. By nightfall, she’d had a few glasses of wine and the headache was gone. Best of all, she hadn’t allowed her mind to drift toward Dallas at all.

Much later, when it was quiet and dark and she was in bed reading, she noticed a noise. At first it sounded like the beat of a heart: pa-
dum,
pa-
dum,
pa-
dum
. Nice and even and slow.

She sat up, listening. It was a horse, running along the fence line. Coyotes?

Putting on a robe, she got up and hurried to her bedroom window. The dark ranch lay stretched out before her. Even with the moonlight, it took her a while to locate the running horse. Renegade.

He was only a shadow from here, moving along the rail in an easy lope. She sensed him more than saw him; all she could really make out was a hat, colored by the moon to look like bone, set on hair too dark to be seen.

She knew she shouldn’t go, just as she knew she would. Tightening her terrycloth belt, she went down the stairs and crossed the yard, careful to stay in the shadows.

Dallas was riding Renegade bareback.

Only riding seemed too ordinary a word. Vivi Ann couldn’t believe how effortless he made it look, how he cued and turned and guided the gelding with movements so slight she couldn’t see how he did it.

“Hey, boy,” Dallas said quietly. “You remember all this, don’t you? A champion doesn’t forget.”

Vivi Ann stood hidden in the shadows for almost an hour, unable to look away, until finally she heard Dallas say, “Whoa, Renegade.”

The horse came to an abrupt stop and Dallas slid off in a single fluid motion. Exchanging the bridle for a halter, he petted the horse for a while, and then walked away, up the hill.

At his cabin, a light came on. Like the Dungeness Spit lighthouse that both showed mariners the way home and warned of dangerous shoals.

And then she was moving, following him. With each step, she told herself that this was a mistake, coming up here, that she was seeing something in him that wasn’t there, but none of that mattered now. It felt inevitable, this moment, this succumbing, as if the choice had been made long ago.

Without bothering to knock, she opened his cabin door and saw him standing by the sofa, drinking a beer. “Just once,” she said, hearing the cracked pleading in her voice, the fear and the excitement. Everything about this night felt impossible, as if she’d found this place that lay parallel to the real world, that had all its tastes and smells and desires, but none of its rules. In this new world she could be brazen and sexy and bold. Just for this one night. “We’ll do it once and get it out of our systems. No one will ever know.”