True Control (12 page)

Chapter 29 HIM

The words are embedded in my brain. Drugged. Trunk. Beaten. Caged.

Hearing what he did. To my Lucy. Anger is too small. Rage is too weak. Insanity…that fits.

I have to control my breathing. To keep my hands from shaking. I try to stay as calm as Lucy sounds. For her sake. But Killaney doesn’t stop the details.

Her words again echo in my head. Raped. I didn’t have to be told this. I saw her. I knew. But hearing it…

I wish I could take away all her pain, all her memories. I wish I could make it so she never has to say these words again, that she couldn’t even remember them.

I’m almost numb with the fathom of hate and anger. The uncontrollable need to kill.

And in my well of darkest red, she curses. I’m shocked out of my numbness. Hearing those words come out with her sweet voice. Cunt. Ass. A rule she knows well. But she sits there, speaking so calmly.

It was the first lesson I taught her. The start to our understanding, our way of being together.  And here, now, she calmly breaks my rule?!

I don’t think, I just move towards her. My hands out of my pockets. It’s not the cop sitting next to her though that stills my hands, stops me from punishing her.

It’s her. Her face. Her arms. Her hands. She’s broken. Too like how she was in my dreams after I’d given in to my rage and beaten her.

And she’s not here. She’s not with me. She’s hiding again…in her memory of what he did to her. She’s ruled by another. In her head, she’s still his prisoner.

I squeeze the end of the bed with my hands, shaking it in my anger. Killaney glances at me and I slowly pull my hands back.

Lucy finally opens her eyes and looks right at me this time. But she’s hidden behind that mask. A calm, cold, dead mask. “That’s everything, Detective. Everything I can think of right now…”

And Killaney pats her bed, not touching her, but close. “You did just fine, Lucy. I’ll let you get some rest now.” He stands to walk out, but she stops him.

“What…what happened to Ben?”

He looks at me, then turns to her. “We were able to track his address down from the car registration and GPS. Local police found him just as you described, still on the driveway. He died while in surgery about two hours ago.”

She smiles that same eerie smile. Not one I’ve ever seen on her sweet face. Not one I ever want to see again. “And Bitch?”

“His dog. They haven’t found her yet.”

Lucy nods, still smiling. She finally closes her eyes again, but the smile stays.

I walk with Killaney out to the hall.

“Your wife was very brave.” I only nod. “What she described…getting away like that…” He shakes his head. “I’ll have to get a few more details later, but I think this will wrap up pretty quick. We have enough evidence between what we found in his car, the house, on Lucy.” He pauses, looking apologetically at me. “And he’s dead, so…” He shrugs and turns to walk away.

I don’t go back into her room. I give her some time to sleep. And I need some time to think.

Chapter 29 HER

“You get some sleep, sweetheart.” Dad kisses my head. It hurts, but I manage not to wince. PJ and Cathy just left a few minutes ago.

Mom finally stopped crying. She even tried to make a few jokes and complain about the hotel room. She kisses my hand and promises to be back first thing in the morning. To call her cell if I need her at all during the night. I promise I will. But I know I won’t.

I almost roll my eyes when Alex and Ron walk in the barely closed door.

Ron sees my exasperation. His look is stern, but his voice is soft. “We’re not staying, Lucy. Just want to say goodnight. You get your rest. We’ll be back in the morning.” I smile and say goodnight too. I try not to wince at their small touches and Alex’s kiss.

I’ve had too many people all looking at me. Too many nurses and doctors poking at me. Not enough time to myself. To think.

Max has been in and out. But we haven’t really spoken. He’s been here every time the doctors check on me. Every time someone comes in to talk to me.

Dad told me that Max has private security on the floor to keep anyone not on a list out of my room. The hospital doesn’t like it, but they don’t want the negative publicity of a victim being harassed in one of their rooms by the press or anyone.

A victim. That’s me. Kidnap victim. Rape victim. Assault victim….blah blah blah victim.

I’m also a murderer. I smile again. I like that word more.

Ben won’t be bothering me again. Accept in my dreams… So far he’s been in a lot. But maybe I’ll just have to run him over again and again a few times before he goes away for good...

Only a few minutes go by before a new vampire comes in for my bloodletting and turns the lights up. My fever has stayed down, but apparently they’re still worried about the effects of dehydration. I still have an IV with saline and a cocktail of stuff.

When she leaves, I lower the lights myself and close my eyes. Maybe I can get to sleep before Max comes in again.

Nope. No such luck.

He moves quietly.

“I know you’re not asleep, Lucy.” I debate about ignoring this. But I know I can’t.

I open my eyes and he touches the tips of my fingers. The one spot that doesn’t seem to hurt. But it’s an electric feeling. Our touch always is. I pull my fingers away.

“I know you’ve been through a lot, Lucy. So I’m going to give you some time…and some space. To heal.” He keeps his fingers flat on the bed, but I can see that his other hand is a fist at his side. He’s trying to keep his voice softer, but the low rumble of his rage is just below the surface. “But know this, little girl, that I’m not giving you this space to act however you’d like. I may not be able to punish you right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let you get away with anything either.”

He doesn’t wait for my response. He leans over and kisses just below my right eye, another spot that isn’t throbbing with pain. And he leaves without another word.

I know he’s not leaving the hospital. He’ll be right down the hall and he’ll be checking on me.

I start to cry again when the door closes.

My body is too fragile right now for my mixed up feelings. I sob once loudly. But I’m afraid of being heard. That someone will come in. I grab my pillow and shove my face in it.

The familiar response to his anger. His warnings. I am his little girl. I want so much to be his good girl again. I long for a time when he could simply erase everything with his hand or belt. When he’d turn his disappoint in me into my pain and I’d earn his forgiveness and love.

It seemed so hard to make that choice once. To give myself to him completely. To allow him full control. I’d go back to those days...of only worrying about disappointing him if I was late or didn’t finish a chore. I’d go back to the days of fearing that I couldn’t meet his demands. That I couldn’t take his anger, that I couldn’t make him forgive me.

I’d go back to being able to earn his forgiveness. Back to when he didn’t need to earn mine.

I’d go back to being naïve of real rage and evil.

But now…I shudder thinking about Ben. I wear his marks on me now. Maybe always. I have cuts and broken bones that will forever be marked by another man…

I’ll never be Max’s good girl again. Ever.

I sob louder. I’m sorry, Max!

Chapter 30 HIM

I open the door to the family waiting area. I feel like a caged animal in here. But it’s the only place to go to be alone right now. I’m not leaving here without Lucy. I’m not going back to our apartment without her. I won’t leave her alone here.

I know she’s safe. I’ve made sure of that. I’ll make sure of that for the rest of her life. She’ll never be alone again. Never be vulnerable again.

But I can’t leave her here. She needs me even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Even if she’s hiding behind her calm mask. I know my little girl. She’s broken inside in more ways than one.

When Killaney said that bastard was dead…I still wanted to have his body. To beat the shit out of it! To rip it apart, limb by limb. To watch it burn into a million pieces of ash and then step through it. Piss on it. Fuck!

“FUCK!”

“Oh…hey…” I turn with fists raised. The blanket in the corner chair moves, revealing a guy.

I lower my fists, but keep them clenched. I didn’t see him in here. He wasn’t in here earlier today. He rubs his eyes, yawns, and says loudly, “Sorry about startling you. I thought I was the only one sleeping here tonight.”

He puts his hand out, but I ignore this. I don’t feel like being friendly. Too many people have already invaded my space and time with Lucy. I need to be alone and to think more. He only smiles and lowers his hand.

“I’m here for my wife. She was in an accident…”

Good for you. Fuck off. I don’t say anything. “Doctors say she’ll be fine, but they had to do surgery on her collar bone. She’s been pretty out of it. How bout you?” He yawns and stretches. I only look at him. “Who are you here for?”

I move a little closer to him, not letting my fists go. “Sorry to hear about your wife. But I’m not here to make a new friend. If you don’t mind. Fuck off.”

He blinks at me several times. But he slowly gets up and leaves the room.

I sit, putting my head in my hands. I gotta keep it together. I can’t lose my temper here. Just a little longer.

I need to think through what do with Lucy. How to get her out of this strange state. She won’t talk to me. She’s avoided even looking at me.

And go ahead…you can say it to yourself…she’s not behaving. Not like she should. Not like she did.

She contradicted me, talked back, cursed…just short of argued with me this morning in front of that fucking doctor that keeps touching her.

How do I handle this? How do I give her what she needs while she’s healing without losing my temper with her? I’ve come so close to slapping her today…two, three times already. Only all the bandages and her swollen face have stopped me.

I don’t want to admit that…that I’m afraid.

What if. What if this mess has changed my Lucy? Can I change her back? Get her back?

Fuck! I’m sick of feeling helpless, powerless.

Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow. My instincts have always been right with her…I just have to trust them now.

I’ll get her back and never let her go again.

Chapter 30 HER

I moan when the light goes on. I only just started to fall back asleep after a nightmare. Ben was running Max over with me in the trunk. I tried to scream, to warn him to get out of the way. When I was fully awake I could think how odd dreams are that even though I was stuck in the trunk, I had a perfect view of both Ben and Max.

I wait for the cold hand on my arm, the prick of the needle again. But it’s the doctor from earlier. The nice one. I haven’t seen him since this morning.

“Hi, Lucy. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Thank you.”

He smiles. A kind, nice smile. I want to tell him not to waste it on me. “Your heartrate was elevated…are you getting any sleep?”

I only shrug.

“Hmm...You know we’ve been running a lot of tests on you since you’ve been here…?”

I lift my right arm showing the needle pricks and bruises on the inside. They’re tiny in comparison to all my other marks. “Sorry about that…” I only shrug. “Your latest blood work is good. Your potassium is back up. We’ll get this IV out of you soon.” He smiles again, “I should be able to release you later this morning.” I try to smile at this, but it’s fake, forced.

“I…I know that you have a lot of support here…your family and friends, your husband…but when a person…” He swallows. This is obviously not his usual conversation with a patient. “You should consider talking with someone, getting some help with everything that’s happened to you…I could recommend a few doctors if you’d like…?”

I smile. A small, but genuine one this time. His kindness and awkwardness make me want to cry for some reason, but I smile instead. “I’ll think about it. Thanks.”

“I’ll have instructions for you to follow up with your doctors. And how to take care of your arm and wrist…and rib…well, everything I guess.” He looks me up and down, with a concerned frown. I know I still look like crap. I’m a mummy of bandages and wrappings right now. I only say another small thanks. “Call the nurses station if you need anything at all…or if your husband has any questions for me…”

I know Max has been questioning everything. The nurses have all told me how lucky I am to have such a devoted and caring husband.

The doctor walks away quietly. I know I won’t be sleeping again anytime soon.

Thinking of going home…I don’t know what I feel or think. I want to lie to myself. To say that everything will be fine. Max’ll be the same. I’ll be the same. Everything’ll be the same.

But I’m not. It won’t. He won’t.

It was only ten days of my life. I laugh thinking this. I try not to think about everything that happened. What Ben did to me.

But I keep startling myself with a quick image or memory. A doctor’s shiny pen reminding me of Ben’s shiny knife. The sound of a metal cart being pushed in the hall reminding me of the cage door clanging closed. Turning in my sleep and feeling my rib ache.

And it’s funny…I know myself too well to shrink from this truth…I know that as awful as it was…I’ll get over it. The physical part anyway.

I was raped. And I can get over that. I don’t know how. I just know it’s true. Maybe killing the bastard that did this to me helps. I can feel the same smile take over my face at this thought.

The nurses and doctors have all looked with such pity on me. I’m sure I’m the whispered story in the hallways. I haven’t even dared to turn on the news. I’m the poor girl that was kidnapped and all sorts of evil done to…

But that’s not what has me thinking, worrying.

I’ll get over the pain that Ben caused me. The parts of my body that he still controls now with his pain…they’ll be mine again, hopefully…

What I can’t get over is the thought that Ben came into my life for those ten days because of a stupid impulsive move on my part. To please Max. To show him just how willing I am to be what he wants.

I watched a show once, a reality series, about a guy who would visit normal people and shake up their lives. Give them a wakeup call to make a change for the better. It was a crappy show. But I always felt sorry for the people, that they obviously needed to make a change, but they were too dumb to see it until some idiot came along to tell them.

I killed Ben. The idiot that shook up my life. I laugh…what a non-melodramatic way to put it! Laugh or cry? Neither, please…

I hold my breath until I can blink without tears. I breathe in and out a few more times, just concentrating on this.

I killed Ben. I’m glad he’s dead. He was a worthless piece of shit and he deserved to die. There. Done.

Hopefully done…but I don’t kid myself about this either. He’ll be a frequent flyer in my dreams and thoughts for a long time coming. But he’s dead at least…

I need to figure out what it is that I want. This shaken up wakeup call change to my life…what is it?!

Max. He’s filled my every thought practically since we met. I haven’t questioned my love for him. How I respond to him. That night he hurt me so badly…

Nothing like Ben.

No, that’s true…but he did hurt me. On purpose. In anger. He loves me and he punishes me. I’ve accepted this. I’d given up even questioning it…except in secret with Jake.

I haven’t seen Jake. Alex told me that he’ll see me soon, but he didn’t want to have a big crowd here. I don’t know what to think of that. I’ve gotten pretty close to him the past few months. I heard his voice in my head in the cage too. Telling me to have hope and faith in Max. That I’d be found.

I shake my head…I need to concentrate on Max…what am I supposed to do? I wish he could tell me...

Can I go back to that? Can I go back to listening to his every word, his every rule. Can I be the girl who Ben met in Rome?

How do I forgive him?

He’s why I was there, why Ben noticed me in the first place. I’ve forgiven everything else that Max has done. No. I’ve not even had to forgive…I’ve given him permission, given him myself. He could do what he pleased and I would take it. Ever since that first time he slapped me…even before then when he started to take control…I’ve been his.

I feel the familiar pulse deep in my pussy. Just thinking about Max in this way, I feel a warmth.

Am I sick?
Should
I get help?!

I should get some sleep, but I know damn well that isn’t going to happen. My voice in my head is even different. I never cursed this much…is this in rebellion against Max? Against his rules?

My head spins with the ways only ten days changed me, my life.

What do you want, Lucy? Pretend it’s Jake asking…how would you answer?

He would tell me to stop talking to myself like a crazy person…I stick my tongue out in the darkness and smile. A small part of me is in here somewhere, right?!

I take a deep breath.

I want Max. I can analyze this until I’m blue, but that is the truth. Fight it. Don’t. In the end, I want Max. But I have no idea how to make that happen now.

Will
he
be able to forgive me? I will forever bear the marks of another man. I know this is important to him. He likes to see me with a bruise or welt after he’s punished me. To remind me of his control. That I belong to him. Will he be able to still look at me the same now with Ben’s marks on me? Feel the same? I had this thought when I was alone in Ben’s car…driving crazy to get away, to get home.

In a bloody, beaten state I worried about how Max would feel when he saw me. He’d know. Right away he’d know that…what Ben did.

I can’t think anymore. I just want to stop thinking! Isn’t there a pill for this?! I’ll invent one…

It’s only been ten days. Nothing has to change. Everything can be fine…right?! Right.

I turn the TV on mute. No news. I don’t see what’s on through my tears, but I don’t feel as alone with its light.