True North (14 page)

The morning air was crisp, cold and clean, opening my senses. My lungs expanded and my eyes turned sharp in the dim light of the streetlamps and early hints of dawn. The campus was quiet, only a few campus police cruisers along with a guy in a van throwing rolled-up newspapers onto porches passed me. School was going to suck today, and I wondered how I’d ever get through it.

After a two mile run, I took the dorm steps two at a time. I’d have time to shower and even finish up some extra assignments. When I reached my door I saw another red rose leaning between the door jamb and knob. This time a note was attached:
I want to see you again.

It was so pretty and sweet, it almost made me sad. If only it could have been Jake trying to pull me back to him. I lifted it to my nose—the scent was so beautiful and fresh. That was funny, Scott must have left this after I took off.

I pushed through the door. Lara was dressing.

“
Hey lady!” She looked at the rose. “An admirer,” she sang.

“
Yeah, it’s Scott, he wants to see me again.” I put the rose in the vase with the first one.

“
Are you going to?”

I shook my head. “I’ll talk to him today after math and let him know I’m touched by the gestures but I’m really not interested.”

“
You’re not interested? Come on, he’s hot and he’s obviously got a crush on you! I thought you were going to move forward?” She tied her sneakers.

“
I can’t. I still love Jake.” There, I said it.

“
Whoa!
Love?
You sure?”

I laughed lightly, or maybe bitterly. “Yeah. I think he was trying to reach out to me before and I didn’t understand, but I think he might be dealing with post-traumatic stress from when he was in Afghanistan. I’ve waited this long, I can’t give up yet.”

She looked at me like she was worried. “Are you sure you’re not just fooling yourself and are under some delusion?”

“
Nope! Not sure at all.” I bounced into the bathroom to shower and end the conversation. I’d already made up my mind to see this through, and that was what I was going to do.

The day was uneventful. I did my best to concentrate in classes because, no matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t figure out any way to get back to Jake or find him if he didn’t want to be found.

Usually I drifted onto the what-if-I’d-handled-it-differently? train. What if I hadn’t let him push me away? What if I hadn’t run away the next morning? What if I’d just grabbed him and kissed him with every bit of the passion I’d held so long for him? Would he still have forced me away? Would it have opened him up?

STOP!!!

Scott never showed up for math class. Well if he was up at five a.m. delivering roses he must have been cutting class today. I really didn’t want to go another day without ending it, so I swung by his apartment. Number five.

I knocked.

“
I’m dying and can’t come to the door,” a voice called out.

“
I’m not the truancy officer and you’re not dying so just open up,” I answered.

“
Olivia?” He perked up. “Hot damn, I’m having feelings of resurrection.”

A minute later Scott appeared in a pair of shorts, an open robe and his cocky smile.

“
You look like shit,” I remarked.

“
You definitely know how to throw compliments.” His smile never faltered. “You, of course, look amazing. Want to come in?”

“
I don’t know, are you contagious?”

“
Probably. Let’s find out.”

“
Scott, I just wanted to tell you that I was really touched by the roses, they were beautiful—my favorite even—but I can’t see you again,” I explained.

“
Roses?”

I put a hand to my hip. “Don’t pretend you don’t know. The first one was in my backpack during math class and the second was on my doorknob this morning. It was really sweet, and if I wasn’t totally wrapped up in that other guy we sort of talked about, you’d definitely be on my date list.” I lied—way too much of a man whore for me, but I thought it sounded good.

“
Damn, it’s one hell of an idea … but um, I haven’t given you any flowers,” he confessed.

“
Okay.” I felt my brow crease in the middle. “Are you sure?”

“
Sorry, señorita, if it had been me I would totally take credit for it.” He started to laugh but ended up burying his face into the crook of his elbow in a coughing fit instead. When he recovered he said, “But it sounds like you do have another admirer.”

“
Thanks,” I said, but I had already started walking away. “Oh, um, hope you feel better soon.”

“
Good luck with your mystery man, Olivia.” Scott smiled and I gave him a thin smile back.

Another admirer?
Scott couldn’t have been up at five in the morning running around the campus delivering flowers, not the way he looked.

The note said I want to see you
again
…

What the hell did that mean?

Maybe the flower wasn’t for me and was really for Lara? But that didn’t explain the one
in
my backpack. And how did anyone get it in there in the first place?

My brain was starting to hurt.

I got back to my car’s warmth and texted Jules.

Chapter 11

“
Only One in Color”

Trapt

Any word?

I waited. No answer.

I sighed. It was going to be a long weekend of freaking out. I stopped by the store on my way home for some snacks and then at the last minute turned into the art supplies store for some stuff. With so much work to do this first year I didn’t have much time for my own personal art projects, but this weekend my homework was too light. There would be nothing to sink my wandering mind into. An art project would be perfect. I grabbed paints, brushes, canvas and an easel. It was expensive, but I could afford the splurge. It was study related, I told myself.

I carried my goods upstairs and let myself in. Lara had left a note on the table that she’d be at a party and gave me directions if I felt like going.

Perfect,
I thought. I’d have the place to myself tonight.

I ate a yogurt, grabbed a bottle of water and put my mp3 on the docking station to blast Trapt. I was alone, and working with earbuds in got in the way of the free flow of the brushes. Tonight I had no one to answer to. I stripped out of my school clothes and walked naked through the room to my dresser. I pulled on a white tank and a pair of blue boy-shorts and then I spread a tarp out to protect the floor. I set my paints up on the table beside me, mixed them and then set the canvas on the easel.

I examined the blank white space in front of me. I’d picked up a few canvases and some art paper so I could just experiment freely.

Without thinking, I dipped my brushes and lost myself in the colors. I wove them into something beautiful. Working like this pulled something out of me—all those emotions I’d been trying to stuff down. Everything I’d been thinking and feeling laid bare there on the canvas. I began crying softly, but too soon the crying turned to sobbing. It was a good feeling at first—cathartic. I felt like I was finally getting all the fear and frustration out of me. But then, slowly, the emotions darkened. I couldn’t fucking handle this anymore! I felt myself starting to lose control—I couldn’t see straight, couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t just scared now—no, I was furious! Helplessness fueled the fury. I had no way to help him. No one could find him, and I couldn’t shake the panic that welled up inside me. It constricted me like a monster and wouldn’t let go.

“
YOU’RE USELESS!” I screamed, slapping the painting to the floor. I couldn’t save my mom, I couldn’t save my dad, and I couldn’t save Jake! The easel tipped and hit the table, knocking the paints to the floor, and they splashed everywhere. I knelt over the picture, brought my fists up and pounded the freshly wet paint of the canvas like a punching bag.

“
AAAAAAAHHHHHH!” The bellow ripped from my throat. I hated myself! I hated the military and the war! I hated that Jake hadn’t opened up! I hated that I hadn’t figured this all out when it was crucial—now it could all be too late!

“
FUCK ME!” I yelled. “I HATE YOU!”

I tried to force my fingers into the fabric of the canvas to tear it apart, but it was too strong, which only made me feel worse.

“
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, OLIVIA?!” I pummeled the painting until I was out of breath. Gasping, I leaned back on my ankles and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, Jake. I fucked it all up.” I smeared the paint and tears against my cheeks.

Looking around the room, I realized what a disaster I had created. There was paint everywhere, splattered like raindrops on the white walls, on the metal bed frames and on our blankets and pillows. I was covered.

A prayer bubbled to my lips. “I love you, Jake North. I’ve always loved you. Please, please come back to me. Please don’t leave me on this earth alone without you. I don’t want to do it without you!”

I watched the tears drip from my face, splattering into the paint of the picture, adding small drops of clear rain.

If he never returned I knew a part of me would die so completely I’d never recover it. I’d be forever crippled.

I stood and backed up from the mess.

“
Fuck.” This was going to take a serious effort to clean.

I drank down some water from my bottle, slipped my feet into my flip flops, carefully wiped my hands on the moist towel and opened the front door. The paint smell was seriously pungent. I needed to open a window. I usually did, working in an enclosed space like this, but I hadn’t been thinking rationally … obviously. But I really had to go to the bathroom now, so I left the door to our room open and walked down the hall.

Holy Shit!
I looked psychedelic. “Thanks for that,” I said to the full wall mirror in the bathroom and began laughing uncontrollably.
Fan-fucking-tastic!
If anyone was on the floor they’d think I was out of my mind! I was surprised the campus police hadn’t been called yet. Maybe I was alone up here and everyone was out having fun.

I used the toilet and debated just stepping into the shower, but I was going to be a mess again after cleaning so … might as well stay my own canvas. I looked pretty cool actually. I studied myself. It was good—a camouflage. I was my own painting. A painting of me and Jake.

I sighed. “Yeah, a hot mess.”

I washed my hands in the sink and knew I was going to need a whole lot of paint remover. Heading to the hall closet, I retrieved a bucket and rags and filled it up with hot water and cleaning solution.

I groaned when I got back to the room and saw it hadn’t been tidied up by magical fairies. I wasn’t sure where to start. Just like my real-life emotional disaster.

First I picked the painting up from the floor. I’d busted the frame, but tried to straighten it and stood it up on my desk and admired it. I pried opened the window then turned to grab my water bottle on the table and froze.

There, sitting on the table, was a piece of white notebook paper that hadn’t been there before. I had tossed Lara’s note away, I knew I had. I took a step closer to it and craned my neck to read it from a distance, as if it might bite me. After all, I was alone up here.

My heart thumped wildly. In big letters across the top it read, “Only One in Color.” The lyrics of the entire Trapt song were written out.

“
JAKE!!!”
I screamed at the top of my lungs. “JAKE!”

“
Don’t scream, I’m right here.”

I whirled around, and there in the doorway was Jake.

I threw myself into his arms, paint and all. I didn’t think I had any tears left, but they came.

“
You’re alive! You’re safe! I was so scared, I thought you could be dead!” I rambled.

A pained expression crossed his face. “I’m sorry.”

“
The roses … were from
you
?” I blurted.

He nodded. “I wasn’t sure how to approach you.”

I laughed like a lunatic. “The roses were from you.” I held his beautiful face in my colorful fingers, staring into his eyes and smiling ecstatically.

Jake caressed my jaw. “Do you really love me?”

Oh my God!
“You heard me. Of course you did. How long have you been standing out there?”

“
A while.” He didn’t say anything for a few seconds then confessed, “I came to the campus a week after you took off.”

“
You’ve been
here
this entire time?” It came out a little like a shriek.

“
I didn’t know where else to go, and I couldn’t breathe without you, knowing you were mad at me, that you hated me.”

Anger rolled through me like a powerful thunder cloud. “I thought you were hurt or dead. We all did—they’ve been looking for you for weeks. And you’ve been
here?
And you didn’t let me know until
Now?!”

Jake pushed me through the door and closed it behind him.

“
I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD COME IN!”

“
Olivia,” he said softly.

“
JULES TOLD ME HOW BAD YOU WERE DOING AND HOW YOU DISAPPEARED, JAKE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I THOUGHT YOU KILLED YOURSELF!” I threw my fists against his chest.

“
LIVIE!” He turned himself around to get into the room, but I went on the offense, punching and shoving him across the room and over the messy tarps.

“
I WAS DYING HERE! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU BY NOT BEING WHAT YOU NEEDED!”

“
You’ve always been everything I need.” He caught my wrists in his hands and pinned them to my sides. Then he twisted me around, forcing me up against the wall next to the window, and pressed his body into mine.

“
I HATE YOU!”