Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (35 page)

“What about Molly though?” I ask
painfully. “You were nice to her and she was the one taking drugs with him. I
was just the one trying to help him, and I know that you blame me for dragging
him into the band, but I didn’t force those drugs into him.”

“I know.” She takes my hands and
squeezes them hard. “I know it wasn’t your fault sweetheart. You’re my brave,
clever girl and you always will be. I’m so proud of you, do you know that?” I
shake my head stunned, and she nods. “I have all the clippings of the reviews
you got and boxes of photographs of you on stage, but I couldn’t say it.” She
pauses and takes a deep breath. “Sam’s death was his fault Nell and I’m sorry
that I’ve blamed you for that, because out of the three of us you are the only
one that doesn’t bear any blame.”

“How are you to blame?”

“Because I babied him and let him
get away with everything since he was tiny. It’s ironic that the one I came
down hardest on and gave the least amount of nourishment to, grew into this
beautiful flower, and the one I really tended to …” She lapses into silence and
then after a few minutes she stirs. “As for Molly, I’m sorry. I know what she
is and I know that I’ve been used but for the last three years she’s been the
closest thing that I had to Sam, but I know now how unhealthy that was.” She
pauses and then speaks in a rush. “When Sid came to me I had actually been away
at a retreat with the church.” I stare at her in astonishment and she smiles
slightly. “I started going a few months ago when you went away on tour and I
realised what a mess I’d made of our lives, and I think it’s done me a lot of
good. I’ve spoken at length to Father Whitman and just talking to him has
helped me come to terms with Sam and what a bad mother I’ve been, and being
away in such calm solitude helped as well.”

“You weren’t always a bad
mother,” I say slowly, a thousand memories rushing through me of the three of
us together when we were little and she laughed more.

She smiles. “That’s kind of you
to say sweetheart, but I know where I’ve gone wrong and I’m at peace with it.”
I stare at her and I think that’s the difference I sense in her. She’s no
longer so tight with anger. She has found peace of a sort. I stir and wince and
she catches it. “You’re in pain,” she says and I nod slightly. “I’m going to go
now.” I look at her, a protest hovering on my lips where a few months ago there
would have been none. She hesitates. “I’m staying at the hotel in town but I’d
like to see you again if that’s okay?” she finishes tentatively and I smile.

“I would like that,” I say with a
surety that surprises me. I still her as she goes to move past me. “Are you
okay for money?” I ask and she looks at me, amazement on her face.

“He hasn’t told you has he?”

“Told me what?”

“He bought me a house Nell.” I
gasp in appalled horror. Oh my God he’s spent more money and now my family will
be around his fucking neck like a brick, especially Molly. She’ll be like the
goose that lays a golden egg.

“He’s done
what
?”

She must read my face because she
winces. “Don’t worry Nell. I’m not here because he’s got money. I would love
him if he was penniless because I see what’s in his heart when he looks at you.
I’ve gone out and got a job as well at the local old people’s home so you won’t
have to send me a penny again.” I look at her in amazement and she laughs.
“Anyway he didn’t do it for me. He did it solely for you and he made that quite
clear.” I look at her questioningly. “He said that he wanted you to be free for
the first time, that you weren’t my carer or my money pit, and that the sooner
your responsibility for me was gone the quicker we could go back to being a
mother and daughter.”

“And Molly,” I say angrily. “I
bet she’s loving this.”

“She’s gone sweetheart. She went
as soon as Sid made it clear that he wasn’t paying for her. I believe he
mentioned that her bum was getting big through lack of exercise.” I laugh out
loud and for a second we smile in total accord, but then I grab her hand.

“Are you okay with that mum?” Her
eyes close for a second when I say mum and then she smiles and caresses my
face.

“I’m fine darling. I told you I
have new friends now, better friends, and I think her going has lanced the
poison in me. I just regret all the money that I wasted on her.”

“I’m sure she’ll sell her story,”
I say bitterly and she shakes her head.

“Sid paid her off and made her
sign something. She couldn’t come back if she wanted to.”

I groan. “More money. He’ll have
nothing left when we’re finished with him.”

“I don’t think you’ll ever be
finished with that man Nell,” she chides me. “Be careful with him girl. He has
a soft heart underneath that hardness. Guard it well because that soft spot is
just yours, and that’s a prize worth having with a man.” She strokes my face
again. “I’m going now. Shall I see you tomorrow?”

I look at her searchingly. Sid is
right. I either have to let go of this anger, or her, and put like that the
choice isn’t really a choice at all. I need her, because despite everything
she’ll always be my mum.

“Yes,” I say simply and for a
moment she closes her eyes in relief, and then she moves towards the door
smiling up at the protective shadow that’s Sid, who’s hovering waiting.

He hands her his keys. “Get in
the car Mary, I’ll be out in a minute. I just need a word with Nell.” She looks
up at him for a second, and then to his obvious amazement she throws her arms
around him and hugs him. He looks awkwardly at me, but then she says something
and he lowers his head to hers and talks intently for a second. When she
detaches she has tears in her eyes, but she offers him a tremulous smile and a
loving pat on his arm and disappears.

He stands there for a second just
looking at me until I offer him a wobbly smile, at the first sign of which he
instantly lopes over to me, lifting me up gently until he sits down on my
lounger, and then lowering me back onto his lap and into a tight cuddle. “Are
you alright?” he asks in a low voice, stroking my hair firmly back from my face
and I nestle into his touch.

I think for a second, examining
my feelings about my mum like I’d touch a sore tooth but finding surprisingly
little pain. “I’m actually okay,” I say, and feel him instantly relax.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I feel more at peace than I
have in years. I’m still angry at her and regretful for the lost years, but I
understand her a little better now and that helps.”

He sighs. “Good,” and then we sit
in silence for a second until I stir and sit up to face him, ignoring his
immediate protest.

“Although I am very pissed at
you.”

“Why?” he asks warily.

“You bought my mum a house,” I
begin, amazed to see him immediately relax.

“Yeah I did.” He looks supremely
unconcerned. “What of it?”

“It’s more bloody money spent on
my family
and
you paid Molly off.” He shrugs. “Sid we’re like fucking
leeches or whores, I’m undecided which. I’m sure people will think that we’re
gold diggers.”

His head instantly twists to
glare at me. “Don’t you
ever
fucking call yourself a whore. You are not,
and never will be one, and I’ll fucking hurt anyone that ever says that to
you.”

“Okay, okay calm down,” I soothe
and then I stare at him until he fidgets, which is his automatic giveaway.

“What?” he asks sulkily.

“What else have you done Sid?”

“How do you know that I’ve done
anything?”

“Because you were tense until I
mentioned my mum and Molly, and then you relaxed. That tells me you’ve done
something else that I need to know about.”

He runs his hand through his hair
which is another one of his tells that I’ve come to know, and then he mutters
something.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard
you.”

He sighs. “I might have bought
you a house too.”

“
What
?” My screech rivals
the noise of the seagulls, who let me tell you are noisy fuckers.

“I bought you a house. It’s
lovely though Nell. You’ll love it. It’s near me, and it’s an old Edwardian
house in Primrose Hill, not far from the shops and restaurants with big bow
windows. It’s even got a garden.”

“Oh my God.” I collapse back
against him and he runs a comforting hand quickly up and down my spine. “
Why
?
Why have you done this Sid when you know how I feel about you spending your
money on me?”

Suddenly he lifts me gently so
that he can get up. He puts me back in my seat and then stands over me, and the
whole manoeuvre is so gentle that I don’t even realise that he’s cross until he
points his finger in my face. “Have I worked for my money?” he asks silkily and
I nod. “Do I deserve it?” Another nod. “Then would you agree that it’s mine to
do with as I want?” I stare at him and he softens slightly. “Get used to it
Nell because I’ve done it.”

“But why?”

He loses his temper. “Because I
fucking want you to be free, Nell.”

I gasp in pain. “Free of you?”

He’s instantly at my side
impassioned and angry. “No, fucking
never
. I never want you to be free
of me. I’ll die before that happens. I just want you to have all the choices
that a beautiful, talented woman like you should have. I don’t want you working
your fingers to the bone paying for your mum and that ungrateful slut Molly.” I
smile and he unwillingly grins, but then he sighs wearily and runs his hand
through his hair and looks at me pleadingly. “I want you to be free to
choose
me
Nell,” he says quietly, and then he’s gone leaving me alone on the
patio with the gulls screeching and my heart hurting.

Surprisingly after this explosive
conversation nothing more was said. The weeks drift by and I grow stronger as
my injuries heal, and I’m able to start swimming and walking on the beach. The
fresh air and sunshine work slowly on me and I grow tanned and fill out a
little bit, and the peace works on my spirit as well. There’s something magical
in this house, and even Sid feels it. Slowly he loses his frown of
concentration and laughs more than I’ve ever seen, displaying that easy going
side of himself that everyone had noted about him before.

We spend most days and nights
together, taking walks along the beach or drives along the coast. We stop at
little bars and restaurants and potter in quaint little shops, but all the
while we talk and slowly let down our guards with each other, and as he
confides his fears and worries and dreams I find myself falling more and more in
love with him.

However, regardless of this new
found closeness he still keeps his own room and makes no attempt to take
anything further. The only consolation I have is that each night after a gap of
time like he’s fighting it, he will suddenly appear and slide into bed next to
me, drawing me fiercely into his arms. He will always sigh in contentment and then
within minutes we both sleep.

Another positive has been my mum.
She stayed for the whole week, visiting faithfully each day. Not every visit
was pleasant because sometimes we shouted at each other and cried, but it was
always under the hovering shadow of Sid, so it never went too far and the
visits were cathartic. By the time she went home we were closer than we had
been in years, and since she has been gone she has phoned me every day sharing
news of her day and always asking after Sid who she seems to have fully taken
into her heart. He’s wonderful with her, displaying an endearing mix of
firmness along with gentle patience, and will sit for hours listening to
stories of Sam and I, and asking questions with every sign of interest.

However, running throughout all
this like a loose thread is the knowledge of the talk that we must have. Sid
seems just as reluctant as ever, and in truth I grow to be too, because every
day I love him more. I would love to ignore everything that happened but I’m
caught in a quandary. How can I grow close to him again when I could lose him
any day now, because in the back of my mind is always the image of him and that
girl. I both want to, and fear, finding out what happened because if he slept
with her I will have to leave. Infidelity has always been a deal breaker for me
and never more so than when it involves the love of my life.

I also don’t know how to truly
trust him again outside of the infidelity, because if he could be so cruel
then, how do I know that he won’t do it again when I’m deeper in with him. I
therefore keep a little bit of myself back and I know Sid feels this, and as
the weeks fly past and the day grows nearer when we will have to leave, he
grows tenser and more withdrawn.

Everything finally comes to a
head when the day arrives for my cast to come off and for me to get the all
clear to travel home. As if it’s an omen the weather has broken, and it’s windy
and overcast with a storm threatening as Sid drives me to the hospital that
I’ve been attending, which is thirty miles away.

He’s silent on the way there
which leaves me strangely shy, so I sit quietly listening to the Arctic
Monkeys’ AM album that he’s been playing for the last couple of days. ‘Do I
Wanna Know?’ comes on while I sit trying not to stare at him. I’ve heard him
playing this a few times lately and the lyrics seem extraordinarily apt for our
situation. I want desperately to know whether it’s occurred to him too and if
this is why he keeps playing it, but I know that it’s pointless to ask at the
moment.

We aren’t kept waiting when we
get to the hospital which I think is largely down to Sid, and after an hour’s
poking and prodding the doctor pronounces himself satisfied and I’m sent off to
get my cast removed, with Sid my silent shadow.

I turn to him as he prowls behind
me. “That’s good news isn’t it? We can get back to normality now. You must be
relieved, after having to put up with me all this time.”

I’m totally prodding for a
reaction, and in my dreams a heartfelt reconciliation speech where he falls to
his knees and confesses his undying love for me. Instead he frowns and gives me
a shrug. “Yeah that’ll be good,” he mutters, and steers me into the waiting
room where he promptly engages the man next to him in an intent conversation
about the hockey scores which I know for a fact he doesn’t even follow, so I
give up and reach for a copy of People magazine.

I idly flick through the pages
looking at the glossy photos of celebrities and personally rating the sexiest
man competition, but then I stiffen when I turn the page and see a full page
colour photo of Sid. He’s walking down the street with none other than Leah,
and there are some smaller photos which show them sitting very close together
in what looks like a wine bar, his arm flung over her shoulder and their heads
together.

For a second I can’t speak and I
can see that my hand has begun to shake as I stare at the two of them and try
to work out when the photos were taken. At first I think that they’re old ones,
but one look at the story accompanying the picture dispels that hope. According
to the magazine these were taken just before my accident, and the article
quotes friends as saying that after her spell in rehab they’re back together
and looking very serious. The magazine goes on to rehash their affair, painting
them as some combination of Romeo and Juliet and Cathy and Heathcliff, and a
dark side of me hopes that they don’t live up to this because I’m sure that all
of those characters died.

I stare at the photographs hard.
I don’t want to acknowledge how wonderful she looks but it’s true. She’s put on
some much needed weight and her hair is long and shiny with health. Her
complexion is glowing and she looks young and very cool, but the thing that
really makes the breath catch in my throat and my heart pound, is that they
actually look very happy together.  She’s smiling up at him while he says
something, stooping sideways to talk to her like he always did to me, but the
knife in my heart is that they’re holding hands. I thought that he was done
with her, but obviously he isn’t.

My mind is working frantically.
Surely the article can’t be true – they can’t be back together. After all, he’s
been here for weeks with me. What woman, and particularly one as psychotic as
Leah, would put up with that? He’s done so much for me and surely he wouldn’t
go to all this trouble for someone that didn’t mean anything to him. All the
things that he’s said to me about choosing him ring in my head, but then I look
at the photos again, and my heart sinks and they get fainter and fall away.

Feeling suddenly sick I mutter
something to Sid, and throwing the magazine down I walk steadily to the
toilets. When I’m inside I lean against the sink breathing deeply for a few
minutes trying to calm the wild thoughts which swirl around in my head, and
then reluctantly I make myself look in the mirror and face facts. I know in a
million years I can never be as beautiful as her, and they have so much history
together. After all he’d stayed totally faithful to her for years and
throughout everything, while he didn’t even manage a few months with me before
sucking tongues with that skank in Copenhagen.

Suddenly her words in that hotel
room come back to me. She’d called me vanilla, and said with utter surety that
I’d never be able to keep him, and that eventually I’d bore him in bed. I’d
dismissed it at the time as just being part of her ravings, but what if she was
right? What if in being with me he
has
just been trying to fit into a
normal life as a way of keeping the old life at bay? If that’s the case then
maybe one day he’ll just up and leave me and be drawn back to the one woman
that he’s never managed to stay away from.

I see my lip curl in bitterness
in the mirror, because let’s face it he hadn’t even been able to cut contact
with her after what she did to me in that hotel room. I’d thought he had and
would have put money on it because I trusted him so much, but now evidence says
otherwise, and I feel betrayed by the fact that he never really had my back.

I lower my head and think
frantically, but I know my decision is made. I can’t stay with him when I know
in my heart that I will always be a bland second best to what he really wants.
I love him so much now and it’s agony to contemplate leaving him, but how would
it be after a few years of loving him even more? I can’t even comprehend that
but my eyes fill with tears anyway. I hastily blot them away. I will not cry in
front of him. I will be dignified and gracious and leave with a modicum of
pride intact.

This resolve is tested when
there’s a ferocious banging on the door. “Nell. Nell are you alright?” I take a
last look at my reflection and tilt my chin up.
Pride
I remind myself
and swing the door open to almost straightaway lose my composure when I see him
wild eyed and clutching the very magazine that’s just ruined my hopes. He
brandishes it at me. “Did you see this?” he hisses.

Aware that every person in the
waiting room has just transferred their attention from the TV to us I grab his
arm to steer him to one side. “I did,” I say lightly. “I must say I think you
boys were robbed, although Chris Hemsworth is
seriously
hot.”

“Not that,
this
,” he says
tightly, trying to force the fucking pictures up my nose.

I push it away and take a breath.
“Yes I did.” I’m proud of how level my voice is. “They’re nice pictures of the
two of you. Leah looks well, when did she get out?”

“Just before these were taken,”
he says absentmindedly, staring at my face as if I’ve got the cure for world
peace, and then he says almost pityingly. “Nell you do know that this didn’t
mean anything don’t you? I was going to tell you about seeing her, but she’s a
bit of a red flag to you for very good reasons, and I didn’t think that you
needed any more shit in your head.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I try to say
cheerily, as my heart breaks because I so want that to be true but even if it’s
true now, there’s no way that it will stay that way in the future. “Once this
is done I’m sure you’ll be able to go back home and start fresh.”

“
I’ll
be able to go back
and start fresh,” he echoes, a lowering frown on his face as his temper
gathers. “What about you?” I open my mouth but we’re interrupted by the nurse
calling my name. Sid shoots her a homicidal glance and then grabs my arm as I
go to move past him. “After everything that I’ve said to you over the last few
weeks, after really letting you in,
this
is what you really think of
me?” He brandishes the magazine again. “That I would lie to you and keep
another vulnerable woman on the back burner ready for when I change my mind.
That I’m a cheat and a liar.” He pauses, swallowing hard before directing a
look of fury and almost betrayal at me. “This conversation isn’t finished. We’ll
pick this up later, and this time we’re going to talk about
everything
.
It’s time.”

“Oh what’s the point?” I throw
his hand off my arm. “There’s no point Sid. I’m sure I’ll get the all clear,
and I think it’s patently obvious that it’s time we went our separate ways.”
The nurse calls again in an agitated voice and this time he lets me go.

He doesn’t address another word
to me after this, staring out of the window as I get the all clear and my
plaster is cut off, and he stays silent as he steers me back to the car. I
examine my arm half-heartedly, thinking that it looks like a ghost arm, all
pale and thin and grey looking. A few hours ago I would have told him this, but
his attention is far from me now and it’s cold without it. Over the last few
weeks it had occurred to me that we might have a mini celebration when I got
the all clear, but instead we sit in stony silence.

I’m struggling with the silence
because although I’m sure that I’m doing the right thing, at the back of my
mind is a tiny feeling that I’ve misjudged him. The Sid I’ve known, despite his
avowals otherwise, has always been loyal and honest. He’s told me things about
himself that he must know would make a lot of women run screaming, but he’s
done it in that doggedly, determined way of his that says I must know all the
facts. Would that man really have been the way that he has with me the last few
weeks if he wasn’t committed to me? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I
love him, and I want to be the person that he wants more than anything. The
depth of my feelings for this man means that I can’t accept half measures, and
being the girl that he settled down with, like it’s a euphemism for
settling
for,
is something that I can’t do.

I turn to him and open my mouth
to say I don’t know what, but registering my movement he turns to me showing a
cold face and raised eyebrow, so instead I turn my head away and look out at
the grey view from the car window, hearing him sigh heavily next to me.

When we finally pull up outside
the house he doesn’t come round to help me out as has become his custom, but
instead just sits with the engine running, and when I don’t get out he raises
an impatient eyebrow at me as if chastising me for taking too long. Trying to
maintain my dignity I slam out of the car with a stone face on. I turn to say
something but the bastard drives off in a swirl of gravel before I can get my
mouth open. I stand there eating dust with a heavy heart as my last hope
disintegrates and all my fears crystallise into hard cold reality. It’s over in
all but name and now I must be brave.

I make my way into the house
feeling the oppressive silence and immediately go upstairs. I should pack so
that when he comes back I’ll be ready and I can just go. I know that I’ve got
enough money for a plane ticket, and I resolve to go home. I’ll stay in a hotel
and visit mum and try and get my life back together. After all if I haven’t got
to pay for her and Molly anymore, I should have a tidy little nest egg in my
bank account. I pack quickly, making plans in my head to travel and see the
world. There are so many places that I haven’t seen but my heart isn’t in it
because the only way I want to see them is with him, and suddenly I’m so
fucking angry at life. What have I ever done that is so bad that I deserve the
fucked up mess that is my life? Dead brother, fractured relationship with my
mother and a broken heart from a twat of a rock star.