Trust the Focus (12 page)

Landry pressed his lips together as a grin tugged at the corner.

“I screwed up, but give me another shot.” I wracked my brain to think of when I’d have a chance to make this up to him. “Oh! Look, we’re visiting Tomás, and I’ll tell him, okay?” God, I hoped I could do it. But I had to. I had to prove to Landry I could be out. For him. With him.

Landry didn’t look impressed. “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s all?”

A weak shrug. “I’ll believe it when you don’t spaz and actually follow through.”

“That’s a dare, Landry.”

Another suppressed smile. “I know.”

I might have been a coward about coming clean about my sexuality but I wasn’t a coward when it came to dares. I streaked through our college town drunk my junior year because Tomás dared me to. I remember Landry doubled over in laughter when I returned. “I take dares. Even if it involves getting naked.”

Now a real grin spread across Landry’s face and he winked. “You think I don’t remember that? God, I jacked off for the next month picturing you.”

I collapsed back onto his chest as we both erupted in a fit of laughter. “It was cold as shit.” I laughed into his neck. “I hope you didn’t judge little Jus on that night’s appearance.”

Landry squeezed my ass. “Nah, I was looking at this.”

I laughed harder, then rolled off of him to lay on my side. He rolled with me and we kissed lazily. I pressed him tight against me, savoring the quiet moment I never thought I’d have in my life. I ran my fingers down the veins in his forearms and kissed his Adam’s apple and rubbed against his stubble like a cat.

Eventually I buried my face into his neck while he rubbed my back through my shirt. His stomach growled and I laughed. “You want pizza?”

He shook his head. “Actually, no, I don’t want pizza at all. I want a burger with bacon and a lot of cheese. And cheese fries. And fried cheese. I mean, we’re in Wisconsin, right?”

“Mmm . . . cheese.” I hummed against his skin and he shoved me off. “Quit. That tickles.”

I smacked his stomach. “Then get dressed and let’s go.”

We asked Sally—the blonde who checked us in—for a restaurant with good burgers and she directed us to a place about fifteen minutes away.

It was loud but the burgers were fantastic and the beer was cold and I ate way too much. The seasoned waitress flirted with Landry, and he flirted back and the whole exchange made me laugh.

I didn’t hold Landry’s hand or kiss him or anything, but I didn’t worry about how close we held our heads while talking or the distance between our bodies. I did what felt right. And while part of me was nervous as hell, the part that won was the part that wanted to please Landry.

***

When we got back to the B and B, Landry turned on a movie, but all I could think about was the giant whirlpool tub I’d caught a glimpse of before we left for dinner.

In the bathroom, I started the hot water. Then I rummaged in a basket on the counter and sniffed a couple of bottles. I found a bubble bath that didn’t smell too much like a woman’s perfume and dumped the whole bottle into the swirling water. Once the tub was full, which I waited quite impatiently for, I stripped, turned on the jets, and submerged my body with a moan.

Driving for hours every day was taking a toll on my back, arms, and ass. I strained my left rotator cuff junior year and it had never fully recovered. The familiar tightness and ache had started creeping into my neck the last couple of days. I scooted my shoulder in front of a jet and let hot water blast away the soreness. I closed my eyes and laid my head back.

I heard footsteps and the rustling of clothes. I opened my eyes blearily and rolled my head to the side. Landry stood beside the tub, pulling off his shirt. He toed off his shoes and socks and then dropped his pants.

He stepped into the tub naked across from me and nodded toward my shoulder. “Sore?”

I nodded and he pushed himself over to me. “Lean forward.”

I almost told him no. I’d told him no for about four years whenever he offered to massage my shoulder like he had sometimes in high school. I couldn’t take it anymore, trying to hide my attraction. The last time he’d massaged my shoulder was senior year in high school. I’d gotten so hard I had to run to the showers and jerk off.

But I didn’t have to do that anymore. Landry could put his hands on me. I didn’t have to hide anything. The thought eased the constant tightness in my chest, and my limbs went to jelly. Somehow, I managed to do as I was told, and Landry scooted behind me, straddling my hips. I rested my hands on his thighs and leaned back against his chest. When his fingers pressed against my shoulder and began kneading the muscles, I closed my eyes. He began to sing softly, a song I didn’t recognize but it matched the rhythm of his fingers and I never wanted this moment to end.

Landry’s mom was a physical therapist and masseuse. She usually checked my shoulder for me after games, sometimes massaging it if I was extra sore. She’d taught Landry some techniques so he knew what he was doing.

But now it was his fingers on me, his strength pushing its way into my muscles, and I wondered if he’d turned into some kind of magical muscle-strength injector. I felt like I could pitch a doubleheader.

Landry pushed a button to turn off the jets and spoke quietly as he continued to massage my upper back. “Now I know why you wouldn’t let me do this in college.”

I rolled my head to side and purred when he hit a sore spot.

He laughed and kissed the side of my neck. I let my head drop the other way as he switched sides. “This feels so fucking good. Marry me.”

The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. My eyes popped open and Landry’s hands stuttered. He must have felt the tenseness in my muscles because he pushed on my back. “Relax, I’m not going to hold you to it. Illegal in Wisconsin anyway.”

“You’d only marry me for my money.”

“Damn straight. You cheat on me and I’ll divorce you, take all your money, and leave you with Sally.”

“I’d have to live out of the RV?”

“Not that Sally. I’m talking about the stuffed horse.”

I laughed and turned around, tugging on Landry’s waist so he’d straddle me.

His mouth lifted into a sexy grin and he swiftly slid out from behind me and brought his knees down on either side of my hips. He bent his head and kissed my left shoulder. “How’s it feel?”

“Amazing.”

His tongue curled on his upper teeth. “That’s because I have talented fingers.”

Landry’s hands rested on the lip of the tub. I tugged on his right wrist so he let go and brought it between us. Then I threaded my fingers through his and twisted our hands, loving the look of our alternating fingers.

I’d never thought much about holding hands, my indifferent attitude leading to never bothering to do it with girls. But Landry and I—our hands fit, palm to palm, fingers in grooved knuckles.

I kissed our thumbs and then dropped our hands into the water. But I didn’t let go. “Never thought I’d be here. With you. Like this.”

Landry shifted closer so I could feel his hardness on my stomach. I leaned my head back and looked up as he curled over me. “You really planned to keep this all a secret?”

Yes. No. I don’t know.
I had been so focused on the campaign and my job, I hadn’t thought about what it meant for me and my personal life. “I think I underestimated how hard it would be. How much harder it had been trying to keep this all a secret.”

Landry curled his left hand around my neck.

“I wish—”

He placed his thumb on my lips. “We’re not doing
if onlys
, remember?”

“I remember,” I mumbled around his thumb.

“Because we are here and we’re working on the future, right?”

I nodded.

He leaned back, his ass on my knees. “So, if you could do anything, what would you do?”

Doing something other than working for my mom had been one of those things I rarely allowed myself to dream about. Along with the dreams of being with Landry.

For photography class, I had a zillion photos of my teammates and our college town and a good hundred shots of Landry petting a stray cat. My professor had loved my photos, but I told her it was just a hobby.

When I didn’t answer, Landry pulled it out of me. “Photography, right?”

Of course, you’re right. You know me better than myself.
“It’s not just because of my dad. I like photos. I like finding the best shot. I’d love to do sports photography, you know? Like for a newspaper or magazine or something?”

Landry nodded, his face lighting up. “There are some out of Philly! You can apply. You have a great portfolio if you actually put everything together.”

God, Landry was so excited. I fed into his enthusiasm even though my heart pounded, a headache forming, whispering to me it wouldn’t be that easy. I’d had to explain to Mom and strike out on my own and
fuck
.

Before the stress overwhelmed me, I focused back on Landry and his elated face as he ticked off on his fingers all the places he thought I could apply. All my worries eased. I’d deal with it later. Right now, Landry was hopeful, so I could be, too.

I smiled at him and he finally took a break in his prattling and smiled back. Then I pulled him in for a kiss.

Later, much later, after a lot of rubbing and laughing and moaning, we lay in bed, Landry lay sprawled on top of me, his head in the crook of my neck, his still-damp curls tickling my nose.

I ran my fingers up the knobs of his spine, smiling when he shivered if I got too close to his ribs, where he was ticklish.

I was half asleep when his voice broke the silence.

“I wouldn’t change it, you know,” he said, his breath raising goose bumps on the skin of my neck. “The girls, the other boys, everything we experienced before this moment. Because that was all wrong. And I think we needed to feel what was wrong to know what’s right.”

I shut my eyes, those three words starting as a vibration in my vocal cords. But they got stuck behind a knot on my tongue. And by the time I untwisted that knot and let those three little words slip off the end of my tongue in a whisper, Landry was asleep.

***

We woke up the next morning with slow kisses and stroking until we came together with lazy sighs. Then we slipped back into sleep until Landry’s phone alarm woke us up so we could check out on time.

We took another walk along the Chippewa River. Landry skipped stones and I took pictures of his exaggerated game face as he challenged himself to four skips. Then we hiked through the forest, taking selfies with the DSLR camera held out in front of us. Landry made faces and I laughed. I snapped a shot of him kissing my cheek. When I looked back through them later, I held my breath at how we looked together. Like we
belonged
.

On the way back to Sally to continue our trip, Landry was quiet.

“You okay?” I asked.

Landry jerked his head up and blinked a couple of times before his eyes cleared.

“Yoo-hoo.” I waved a hand in front of his face. “You coming back to me now?”

He smiled. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Yeah?” I grabbed his hand. No one was around.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I . . . I forgive you. For what happened. And I forgive myself for getting drunk and going to the bathroom with that guy and . . . I might even sort of forgive him.”

His voice was soft but determined, an undercurrent of strength under it. “It happened. And you and I weren’t together then. But we’re together now. And it’s the right thing now. Not then. You know?”

I nodded, my heart thudding against my rib cage.

Then Landry smiled. “So, that’s it. And I think I would have come to this realization without you but . . . I’m sure as hell glad that’s not how it turned out.”

I pulled him to me and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Me too.”

***

June 7

[Picture]

[Picture]

So we’re in Wisconsin. We spent the morning on the banks of the Chippewa River. Isn’t that an awesome picture Justin took? I’m impressed with his skills.

We tossed a baseball back and forth by the river and then we treated ourselves to a night at a B and B. We also went to a restaurant and ordered every cheese item on the menu. Because, HELLO, we’re in Wisconsin. I bought one of those cheese wedge hats. [Picture] How do I look?

We’re stopping in Illinois to visit some friends and then heading to Indiana. We’re recording over one thousand hits a day. Really? I didn’t think we were that interesting. But thanks again for following us!

And. . . . WE’RE HALFWAY THERE, WOO-HOO! LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!

Justin told me to stop singing. Sorry, y’all.

See you soon.

6 Down

6 To go

—L

Comments

Trenton: YOU LIVE FOR THE FIGHT WHEN THAT’S ALL THAT YOU GOT!!

Katy: Trent’s singing now. Thanks a lot, Landry. Anyway, happy halfway!

Mia: Justin is so talented. Love this picture.

When we checked into a nice hotel in Chicago, I behaved myself, asking for one room with one king bed. Of course, it helped that the hotel was near gay-friendly Boystown. But I was taking baby steps.

Tomás lived in a suburb outside of the city, but was spending the weekend nearby with his older brother. So he told us he’d stop in to our hotel room and we could discuss plans for the night. As we rode the elevator to our room, I fidgeted with the zipper on my bag. Tomás had always been the most accepting of Landry’s and my friendship, but I didn’t know how he’d react once I told him I was gay. It was the main reason I’d declined his offer for us to stay with him and encouraged our meeting on neutral ground. If he freaked out, Landry and I could just enjoy Chicago on our own.

Although, I didn’t know how much I’d enjoy the city if my friend rejected me.

Landry seemed nervous, too. And I hated it because I was the cause. Which made me all the more determined to be honest with Tomás.

Once we reached our room, I had just set our bags down and done a once-over of the room when there was a knock at the door.

Landry opened it and Tomás stood in the doorway, grin lighting his face. “Hey, Landry,” he said, extending his hand.

Landry shook it and then ushered Tomás inside. My catcher’s eyes lit up when he saw me. “
Zurdo
,” he greeted, grasping my hand and patting my back in the universal straight-man hug.

I smiled and returned his back pat. I hadn’t heard him calling me lefty in Spanish for months, and I missed it. “Hey man, how’ve you been?”

He shrugged and ran a hand through his black hair. “Good. Started a job with Papi at his insurance agency. I have to hustle but I like it.”

“Glad to hear it.”

He tipped his head to the side and some of his hair fell over one of his dark eyes. “Been following your blog. Things going well?”

This was the moment, right? I couldn’t draw this out. I needed to tell him now, before we went out with him and who knew who else. When Landry and I gave each other away. I shifted on my feet and darted a glance at Landry.

I didn’t know if I’d see a glare on his face, or defiance. But instead, he smiled encouragingly and mumbled “Gonna go get some ice,” then grabbed the ice bucket and walked out the door to give us privacy.

I loved him for that.

I wiped my damp hands on my jeans and looked around. “You, uh, want water or anything?”

Tomás studied me and I wanted to wilt under his gaze, but I held firm. He shook his head. “What’s up, Akron?”

I sank into the chair at the desk and he perched on the end of the bed. I picked at the callouses on my palm and kept my eyes down. “Trip is going well. I mean, it’s hard, but Landry is there for me and I’m glad I’m doing it.”

“Good.”

“Thanks for meeting up with us. It’s good to see you. But, uh, there’s something I need to tell you.” I looked up. “And if afterward, you don’t want to hang out with us tonight, it’s okay, just let me know.” Tomás didn’t say anything, his eyes on mine. He nodded.

“I’m . . .” I swallowed. “I’m gay, Reyes. I knew it since high school but I thought I could play straight. And . . . I can’t. I can’t play straight anymore.”

Tomás stayed silent. I licked my lips and went on. “I’m sorry if it freaks you out. I mean, we were close. But Landry was the guy I always wanted and now . . . well . . . we’re together.”

Tomás stared, and I braced for vitriol or accusations of sneaking peaks at him in the locker room. All the things I feared while living and breathing the life of a collegiate athlete.

My scalp tingled, and I curled my hands into fists on my thighs. And I hoped Landry stayed gone longer so he didn’t hear any of this.

But then Tomás started nodding. He kept nodding until he broke our stare and looked at his clasped hands between his knees. And when he raised his head, there was a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.

He let out a small chuckle. “Good to see you be honest,
zurdo.
”

Honest?
What the fuck was he talking about? My jaw flapped open but I was rendered speechless.

He laughed harder and leaned back on the bed. “I had my suspicions. Didn’t want to say anything. But you and Landry . . .” He looked toward the door and I followed his gaze, like we could see Landry. “Never met two people who were so right together. Could you just have been friends? Sure. But I saw how you looked at him. And how he looked at you.”

I finally found my voice. “Did any of the other guys suspect anything?”

He shrugged.

“But you did?”

“I never told you, but my older brother is gay.”

“Seriously?”

He nodded. “Put a strain on the family for some time, but Papi and Mami came around after a while.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that.”

He tilted his head to the side. “You were nervous to tell me, huh?”

“Fucking scared out of my mind.”

We both laughed at that, and were still laughing when the lock on the door clicked and Landry entered. Sans ice. But he had a tumbler of amber liquid so he must have made a trip to the hotel bar.

He took one look at my face and I thought he was going to crumple to the floor as relief washed over his features.

Tomás glanced at Landry and nodded toward the glass in his hands. “Ice, huh?”

Landry lifted up his drink with a sheepish grin. “I used it already.”

“So you two are officially a couple, then?” he asked me.

I smiled at Landry. “Yep.”

The smile Landry—my boyfriend—made was worth all the stress leading to this moment. I’d do all over again for that smile.

Tomás stood up. “I told my brother we were having dinner with my teammate and his gay friend. Now I’m going to be the only straight one.”

“The only team you two don’t bat on together,” Landry snickered.

I groaned. “That was bad, Landry.”

He took a swig of his drink and made a face. “This shit is awful. Who drinks this?”

I rolled my eyes at Landry and turned to Tomás. “So, what’s the plan?”

He checked his watch. “Dinner at Comida del Cielo at, say, eight? My brother will be there and I think a couple of his friends. And he mentioned going out to a club afterward. In Boystown. Is that all right?”

I glanced at Landry and he nodded. It was only six, so we had plenty of time to get ready. “Sure. Looking forward to it. And to meeting your brother.”

Before Tomás left, he peeked his head back in. “Happy for you guys.” Then he closed the door behind him.

Landry dropped the tumbler on the nightstand and shoved his hands in his pockets. But not before I caught the tremble.

“What did he say?”

I pulled my shaving kit out of my bag. “He said he wasn’t surprised.”

Landry sucked in his breath. “Really?”

I kicked my shoes off and pulled my shirt over my head. “He said he could tell by how we looked at each other. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m just fucking happy he doesn’t care whether I’m gay or straight.”

“And we’re going out to dinner with his brother? Who’s gay?”

I shrugged. “Guess so.”

Landry bobbed on the balls of his feet. “I’m kind of excited.”

I laughed. “Yeah? I can’t tell. I’m taking a shower. Try to sober up there, lush.”

“I’m not drunk!” he called after me as I walked into the bathroom.

***

When I walked back into the room after my shower, Landry was digging through his bag. “What are you going to wear tonight?”

I looked down at my towel. “This?”

“Hot, Jus.”

“I don’t know. A shirt. Jeans. Shoes. Maybe some socks and boxers.”

Landry stood up. He wore a pair of tight jeans and the sleeves to his pale blue, thin button-down were rolled up to his elbows. I could see a tank top peeking out beneath the top buttons he’d left undone. His eyes looked different, bigger, the blue sharper.

“What’d you do to our eyes?”

He grinned and widened his eyes. “Eyeliner. You like?”

He looked . . . fucking amazing. “You look great, Lan.”

He blushed and placed his hands on his narrow hips. “Let me dress you.”

My smile instantly dropped. “Oh, come on, Landry—”

He threw a bundle of cloth at me. “Try this.”

I caught it and held it in front of me. It was a black A-line tank top that was probably a size too small. Maybe two sizes. I threw it back at him. “No.”

“Justin—”

“No fucking way.” I didn’t like attention and that would certainly have given me a lot of attention. Good and bad.

Landry’s eyes narrowed. “Why, because it’s too gay?”

Maybe.
“I won’t be comfortable in it. Please don’t make me wear it.” I pulled out the puppy dog eyes and prepared to pout.

Landry tossed the rejected shirt aside and rummaged around in his bag again. A minute later, another shirt hit me in the chest. I unfolded a gray-blue V-neck T-shirt of Landry’s. “This is going to be tight, too—”

“That’s the point. Just try it on, okay? Please? It will look good with your eyes.”

I pulled it on and frowned at the snug sleeves on my biceps, the way the V-neck showed off my chest. I held my hands out to the sides and looked at Landry. “Are you happy?”

Landry’s eyes sparkled, and my protests died in my throat. “You look so hot.”

I grumbled as I walked over to my bag, but I was pleased at his compliment. I pulled on a pair of boxer shorts and tossed my towel aside. Then Landry was beside me holding out a pair of his jeans. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Lan. Those are going to be tight as hell.”

“Sensing a theme?” He winked. The bastard winked but all I could think about was shoving my junk into too-small denim.

I grabbed them out of his hand. It took a lot of squirming and wriggling and sucking in of breath but I somehow managed to pull them up and button the waist. I wasn’t sure I could sit down. “Happy?”

Landry licked his lips. “Holy shit.”

I pointed my finger at him. “Don’t look at me like that. It took ten minutes of my life to get these on, I’m not taking them off until they can stay off. And then I’m burning them.”

“They have a zipper fly—” Landry said, reaching for my crotch, and I slapped his hand away. “Bad Landry. If I have to wear these, no playing right now.”

He laughed and ran into the bathroom, then came out with a tub of some hair product.

I backed away with my palms out. “What are you doing?”

“Can I style your hair?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

Landry pushed on my shoulders, and I plopped onto the bed. “Hold still.”

He fussed with my hair as I squirmed and tried to look up to see what he was doing. Then he stepped back and eyed me with a smile. “Perfect.” Then his smile faded and he scrunched his lips to the side. “Shit, you look too perfect. Maybe I should have uglied you up. We’re going to walk into the club and barely legals will take one look at your eyes and thighs and they’ll be all over you.”

I reached out and grabbed Landry around the waist, tossing him to the bed beside me. I somehow managed to stretch the jeans and lift my leg to pin his. “Stop it. I’m not going to be looking at any barely legals. Except you.”

Landry pursed his lips and didn’t answer, but his sober face worried me. “What?”

He bit his lip. “What if . . . what if you do see someone you want? I mean, you just came out, maybe you want to get to know other guys.”

His words stung my face as if he slapped me. “Are you serious right now?”

“Well—”

“Landry, what the fuck? Honestly? I’ve known I was gay since high school. Of course I noticed other guys. But none of them came close to how I feel about you.”

He didn’t look appeased. “But we haven’t . . . you know.” He widened his eyes. “What if it doesn’t work? Or what if neither of us like it? What if . . .” His voice trailed off and his teeth came out to bite his lip again.

I hadn’t thought any of this stuff. We were Justin and Landry. We fit together. It was us or nothing. “Are you really worried about that?”

He nodded.

“Landry.” I sighed and cupped his neck. “Everything we’ve done already has been amazing. I’m sure when we have sex it will be the same. But if not, we’ll figure it out. It’s us. We’ve been through tons of shit and always came out the other side. We’ll do it with this, too.”

His eyes flashed and I knew he was thinking about that moment. With the Bastard. And the pain. “Can we . . . can we try?”

I stretched my arm above me and pillowed my head on my bicep. Landry rolled to face me, our legs tangled. His fingers stroked the strip of skin showing at my hip and I ran my fingers through his hair. “Try what?” I knew the answer but wanted to hear Landry say it. Wanted this to be his decision, for us to take the next step physically.

He rolled his hips against mine, a small, hesitant smile on his lips. “This,” he whispered. “Sex.”

That word on his lips raced along my skin, as if every nerve was exposed. I sorted through the emotions in my head, flipping between them until I realized the one winning out was anxiousness.

Despite what I’d said, that we’d work it out, I didn’t want to let him down. Or hurt him. “Are you sure . . . ?”

His jaw clenched once and he nodded, as if he came to a decision in his head. “I haven’t wanted to be around anyone else. Other men . . . gay men . . . made me nervous after the thing at he club.” He took a deep breath. “But I’ve still always been okay with you.”

I remembered him sitting on that rock in Washington, snugged up against me, sketching Mount St. Helens. I remembered him laying at my feet last semester, idly playing with the hem of my jeans, his shoulder snug against my knee. It’d taken all my willpower at the time not to pull him up and kiss him.

Despite the distance between us the last couple of years, when we did spend time together, Landry sought out physical touch.

I opened up my mouth but he cut me off. “And it’s not just that it’s you. I mean, it is, but . . .” He bit his lip, pleading with me to understand, and I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure. He continued. “It’s also me. I’m ready for this. I’ve accepted that what happened, happened. And it could have been worse. But now I’m here. And I’m happy and I’m with you. And I want to
be
with you.”