Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC (72 page)

It’s late by
the time we get back from the hospital. I talked her into grabbing a bite to eat with me and the sun is starting to set by the time we get back to Dancer’s. She turns at the door and I can already tell she’s going to ask me to go home…alone. I bite back the demand on my tongue. I have to proceed carefully, I know that. I can’t take her shutting me out again.

“Hey Mama, you look sad, what’s wrong?” I ask when I notice there’s moisture in her blue eyes.

“I hate leaving Dom. I want him to be okay. I need for him to be….I want to bring him home. I can’t even feed him…” She whispers, her voice breaking.

My hand goes under her chin and I pull her in by our still joined hands.

“He’ll be home where he belongs soon, Mama. You heard the doctor this morning. He’s getting stronger every day.”

“I…know. It’s just after having him as a part of me for so long, it all feels empty now. I want to hold him, Dragon, feed him and rock him to sleep. Just
be
a mom to him.”

I kiss her forehead, because I don’t know what else to say to that. She should have all those things. Hell, we both should. I don’t like leaving Little D behind any more than she does.

“It’s been a good day, Dragon,” she says when we pull apart, but she still holds my hand.

“Let me come in, Mama. Don’t send me home without you.”

Her tongue darts out to run along the bottom of her lip and her eyes freeze on mine. I’ve never been the type of man to ask. I’ve never been the type of man to wait on a woman, but Nicole is not just
any
woman. She’s mine.

“Dragon, I…I need to think about things. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? At the hospital?”

I want to scream no. I don’t. I pull her in one last time, then let go of her hand to slide mine along the side of her hips. I let my fingers travel under her shirt so I can feel her skin. I need that touch to sustain me. She is, and always will be, my drug of choice.

“Tomorrow then Mama, if that’s what you want.” I whisper against her lips and then slowly kiss her. Not giving her my passion, but trying to show her how much love I have for her. I need her to know that she is….everything.

When the kiss finally ends she studies me closely then, breaks away to go inside. I stand there until I see the upstairs light come on.

“Everything been okay tonight?” I call out into the night.

Nailer and Hawk come around from each side of the house.

“Yeah Boss, no signs of anything,” Hawk responds.

“You really expecting trouble?” Nailer asks.

“Can’t be sure, but I want my woman protected at all times. So you yahoos look alive.”

“You got it,” Hawk says as they go back into position.

I go climb on my bike, trying to figure out how to get my woman home. I could be totally wrong, but I think when Daddy Kavanagh learns his son is missing he’s going to be looking for him. I need to be prepared and that means having my family close.

Nicole

I
am exhausted.
Between fending off Dragon’s increasingly sexual advances the last several weeks and being here at the hospital twenty-four seven, I’m drained. The bright spot of everything is that Dom is being moved to a regular crib tonight. If he manages to stay warm and do okay in it for a couple of nights, I get to bring him home. He’s grown so much, but he’s still smaller than any baby I’ve seen. Last night a baby died that had been in the incubator beside Dom. My heart broke for Sarah—the mom. She was a single parent and had zero support. I gave her my number, I’m hoping she’ll stay in touch, but I’m afraid seeing Dom may be too much for her.

Dom is doing so good now. I get to hold him and feed him. I breastfeed before I go home, and we use my milk in bottles during visiting hours. I don’t like using the bottles, so I’ve thought about breastfeeding all the time, but Skull, and even that guy Diesel, is still around and they pop in all the time. I’m pretty sure Dragon would kill both of them if they walked in while I was breastfeeding. Especially since I haven’t even let Dom feed in front of him.

It’s weird; I’m nervous around Dragon now. I don’t know how to act sometimes. I love him. I want to fix what is between us, but I’m afraid, terrified actually. He promises I don’t have to worry about him ever doing something like this to me again. He tells me he’s sorry, but I don’t think he gets how deeply he wounded me. In the back of my mind I can’t help thinking he will keep something else from me. Or worse, he’ll just make a decision, do it and not tell me, and leave me and Dom alone, on our own. My brain is a jumble of emotions when it comes to Dragon, and I can’t trust myself around him. Ever since the doctor cleared me for sex, I have been pushing him away. I crave him and if I don’t keep him at a distance? I’m going to give in. It’s a miracle I haven’t already. I watch as he leans down and kisses Dom’s head. It’s a beautiful picture. This strong badass biker covered in tats and wearing a leather cut, bending down and being so delicate with his son. I wish I had a photo of it; Dom needs to see that. I vow to take a picture of it soon, so I can put it up in Dom’s nursery, whenever I move out of Dance and Carrie’s house. I should have already been looking for a place, but there just never seems to be enough time. Plus, every time I mention it Dragon goes a little crazy. He doesn’t understand why I won’t come home. I’m not even sure I understand. I do know the reasons are all summed up in one word.
Fear
.

“You ready to go, Mama?”

“Go?” I ask, because I drove here. I’m not sure what he’s got up his sleeve now, but again the word
fear
comes to mind.

“I thought we could go look at cribs for Dom and fix his room up at the club.”

Oh boy
.

“Uhh…Dragon I’m bringing him home with me….to Dancer and Carrie’s.”

Dragon’s face goes solid, like I’m watching and it turns to stone—granite even. You can just see this mask of hardness come over him.

“Let’s go. We’ll talk in the car.”

“Dragon, I drove here.”

He walks to me and pulls me from the chair I’m sitting in so I am standing in front of him. He leans in and whispers into my ear, and I get chills. These, however, have nothing to do with sexual awareness. He’s mad—
really mad
.

“I’m not fighting in front of my child. Dom will not hear his parents going at each other. But listen to me, Mama, and listen
well
. We
will
have this out. We
will
be talking about this and there is no motherfucking way my son is going to another man’s house when he leaves here. Now get your shit and let’s get out of here.”

I get my stuff and think I might be in shock, because I should be ready to cut his balls off, but instead, I’m aroused as hell. It has to be hormones still running amuck. Surely, that’s it? I mean, I haven’t had sex in like over three months, hell maybe four, the time is starting to blur. I follow Dragon down to the parking garage. I say follow, because there’s no way I can keep up with this stomping-mad, long-legged, jackass. I’m about out of breath just trying.

When we get down there, I start to go to my car and Dragon grabs my arm and steers me to his instead.

“Dragon, you can’t just tell me what to do!” I gasp, but he has the passenger door open and is lifting me up and sitting me in the seat, before I can even blink. He reaches around, buckles me in and I sputter trying to form coherent words when he slams the door—in my face.

He climbs in on his side, starts up the car and heads out on the main road.

“Dragon! I can’t just leave my car there! Besides, I have things to do to make sure Dom’s room is ready.”

He doesn’t answer, instead he reaches for his phone.

“Yo, Bull? Can you have one of the boys pick up Nicole’s car at the hospital? Yeah man. We’ll vote on it at Friday’s church. Later.”

“What did you do?”

Silence.

“Damn it, Dragon! You answer me right now or I’ll…”

“Shut it, Mama.”

“
Shut
…listen, I’ve had enough. You can’t just…”

He swerves the car, pulling over to the side of the road and slams it into park. It comes to a stop with a groan, and he cuts the engine.

“You want to have this out here, Mama? Fine, we’ll have it out here. How about the fact that I’ve let you lead me around by my dick long enough, and you are going to get this fucking knot out of your ass once and for all!”

I look at him like he’s insane, because I think he is. I unlatch my seat belt then open the door and jump out. Screw this, I’ll walk home.

I don’t get but just a few steps before he’s pulling me back to him. I try to fight him, to break free, but it’s impossible.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He barks.

“Walking home!”

“Fuck, woman, you haven’t been home in months!”

I stop fighting him and go still. He doesn’t let me go, but his hold loosens.

“You took that from me.”

He lets go and turns me around to face him. It’s dark and I can barely make out his face. A car goes by and its headlights highlight his features, briefly. I can see nothing but the confusion etched there.

“Nicole…”

“You took it all. You took safety. You took my heart and crushed it. You took happiness. You took my
fucking
air, Dragon. You cut my chest open, yanked my heart out and threw it on the ground! All I could do was stand there, looking at it and
bleed
. Alone!
You did that
! Now you think I can just put that away and everything will be fine! Gee! Wow! Look here! I’m not dead!
Just kidding!
I had to do it honey! I had to do what was best for you and the club! It’s all better now! You know what Dragon?
Fuck you
!”

I’ve lost it. Tears are pouring down my face and it pisses me off even more because I don’t want to cry more over this man. I’ve cried fucking rivers, and he thinks I’ve just got a
knot in my ass
?

“What the fuck did you expect me to do, Nicole? The bastard had me by the balls. He was taking pot-shots at us. I just lost a man. A man I
liked
. A man I respected. My woman left me standing at the fucking altar with a fucking monkey suit on. My best friend had flown the coop. I had to make a quick decision. I had to take control and be the fucking man I was before you. The fucking man I
still
am, Nicole. I had to go on the attack or he was going to hurt you, hurt our baby. I didn’t have much of a fucking choice. I did what I’m trained to do, damn it. I went to war. Hit him, when he didn’t think I could.”

“You left me alone, Dragon. You took…you took my world,” I whisper brokenly.

Dragon

M
y woman is
standing in front of me, tears pouring down her face and finally that cold shell she’s encased herself in has started to crack. While I hate the pain that I’ve caused her, the fact she’s finally letting me see it, gives me hope.

I pull her close and wipe her tears with my thumb; there are so many there’s no way to stop them. I wish I had more light, I want to see her eyes. I need to see her eyes.

“I didn’t leave, Nicole. You didn’t know I was there, but every night I laid with you. I held you and Dom in my arms.
I didn’t leave
Mama
, I couldn’t leave you if I tried, woman. You
own
me.”

“I’m scared, Dragon. I won’t survive if you pull shit like this again.”

My stomach turns at the amount of pain coming from my woman. If I could go back I would…Is there a way to fix this?

“So that’s it, Nicole? You want to end it, end us? You don’t even want to
try
?”

Just the words hurt me. What do I do if she says she doesn’t? Can I let her walk away?
Fuck
. Can I give her up?

“Dragon,” she whispers so lightly, it’s almost silent. Her voice shaky and her body is straining to just breathe. Guilt and sadness come down on me.
I broke her
.

“Get in the car. I’ll take you home…I’ll take you back to your car.”

She doesn’t respond, her head goes down and just the picture of her standing like this, in the dark, is painful. When she makes no move to get back in the car I pick her up. She lies against me boneless.

“I’m sorry Mama, I’m so fucking sorry,” I whisper under my breath. I haven’t cried since Nicole was shot. Tears make you weak. Right now, I could easily give in and join my woman.
Except, she’s not my woman anymore
.

We drive in silence back to her car. I call Bull and tell him not to worry about getting Nicole’s car. The air is thick with emotion.

“If it’s alright, I’d like to spend some time with Dom when he comes home. You can let me know when a good time is.”

“Dragon, you can see Dom anytime.”

“Whatever…Nicole.”

I pull back into the parking structure and follow the arrows like a robot, parking beside her car with a sense of dread.

“So, this is it?” She asks.

She sounds surprised and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. It pisses me off. I’ve done everything and jumped through hoops for this woman. So, I fucked up. I know that. It hurt her, but Jesus Christ, what more can I do here?

I lay my head on the steering wheel and try to get control of my emotions.
It doesn’t work.

“What the fuck do you want from me, Nicole? Seriously? I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, fuck, I’ve given you everything you want. I’ve fought to keep us together. You’re the one that has been telling me for months that you needed time away, you’re the one who moved out, and you’re the one shutting me out. What the fuck do you expect from me here? Don’t you think you already have my dick chopped off enough, panting after your ass? What the fuck more could I possibly give you?”

She just stares at me, her eyes large in disbelief.

“Fuck this shit. If this is what love does to you, it’s no fucking wonder I never bothered.”

“You’re being an asshole,” she says, but I’m so sick and tired of hearing the pain in her voice, like she is blameless in this shit. So, I let it all hang out.

“Yeah that’s me, Mama. A fucking asshole right? I mean it’s not like my woman didn’t
hide
a whole fucking life and
lie
to me from day one. It’s not like, instead of telling me when shit was about to hit the fan, she kept her damn secret and threatened to
leave
me. It sure as hell has nothing to do with the fact that my woman had me and my men jump through hoops and put on fucking clothes that we would
never
wear, for the privilege of putting my ring on her hand, just to fucking leave me standing on the damn sidewalk! I mean what the hell, right? You’re the only one that’s been hurt and wronged in this situation. Right, Nicole? So, I had a friend blown up in front of me, what’s the big deal? So I had to watch him burn and make decisions quickly—again big-fucking-deal. You want to bitch because I didn’t consult you? Maybe if you hadn’t left me there standing on the fucking sidewalk and been with me you would have known. You ever think of that, Nicole? Still, like the motherfucking fool I am, I can’t breathe without you so I repeatedly slam my head against a damned brick wall trying to get you to let me back in. Now, you sit there and ask me if this is it and call me an asshole. Yeah, Mama, this is it. I am done. There’s only so much a man is willing to crawl, even for your golden pussy.”