Twilight 4 - Breaking dawn (19 page)

“It’ll work out, you know,” she said after a quiet minute. “I believe that.”
That made me see red again. “Is dementia one of your symptoms?” I snapped.

She laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around hers. “Maybe,” she said. “I’m not saying things will work out
easily
, Jake. But how could I have lived through all that I’ve lived through and not believe in magic by this point?”

“Magic?”

“Especially for you,” she said. She was smiling. She pulled one of her hands away from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool against my skin, like most things did. “More than anyone else, you’ve got some magic waiting to make things right for you.”

“What are you babbling about?”

Still smiling. “Edward told me once what it was like—your imprinting thing. He said it was like
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
, like magic. You’ll find who you’re really looking for, Jacob, and maybe then all of this will make sense.”

If she hadn’t looked so fragile I would’ve been screaming.
As it was, I
did
growl at her.

“If you think that imprinting could ever make sense of this
insanity
. . .” I struggled for words. “Do you really think that just because I might someday imprint on some stranger it would make this right?” I jabbed a finger toward her swollen body. “Tell me what the point was then, Bella! What was the point of me loving you? What was the point of
you
loving
him
? When you die”—the words were a snarl—“how is that ever right again? What’s the point to all the pain? Mine, yours, his! You’ll kill him, too, not that I care about that.” She flinched, but I kept going. “So what was the point of your twisted love story, in the end? If there is
any
sense, please show me, Bella, because I don’t see it.”

She sighed. “I don’t know yet, Jake. But I just… feel… that this is all going somewhere good, hard to see as it is now. I guess you could call it
faith
.”
“You’re dying for
nothing
, Bella! Nothing!”
Her hand dropped from my face to her bloated stomach, caressed it. She didn’t have to say the words for me to know what she was thinking. She was dying for
it
.
“I’m not going to die,” she said through her teeth, and I could tell she was repeating things she’d said before. “I
will
keep my heart beating. I’m strong enough for that.”

“That’s a load of crap, Bella. You’ve been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long. No normal person can do it. You’re
not
strong enough.” I took her face in my hand. I didn’t have to remind myself to be gentle. Everything about her screamed
breakable
.

“I can do this. I can do this,” she muttered, sounding a lot like that kids’ book about the little engine that could.

“Doesn’t look like it to me. So what’s your plan? I hope you have one.” She nodded, not meeting my eyes. “Did you know Esme jumped off a cliff? When she was human, I mean.”

“So?”

“So she was close enough to dead that they didn’t even bother taking her to the emergency room—they took her right around to the morgue. Her heart was still beating, though, when Carlisle found her. . . .”

That’s what she’d meant before, about keeping her heart beating.
“You’re not planning on surviving this human,” I stated dully.
“No. I’m not stupid.” She met my stare then. “I guess you probably have your own opinion on that point, though.”
“Emergency vampirization,” I mumbled.

“It worked for Esme. And Emmett, and Rosalie, and even Edward. None of them were in such great shape. Carlisle only changed them because it was that or death. He doesn’t end lives, he saves them.”

I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the good vampire doctor, like before. I shoved the thought away and started in on the begging.

“Listen to me, Bells. Don’t do it that way.” Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. “Don’t wait until it’s too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to him.” My voice got harder, louder. “You know what he’s going to do when you die. You’ve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers?” She cringed into the sofa.

I left out the part about how that wouldn’t be necessary this time.
Struggling to make my voice softer, I asked, “Remember when I got mangled up by those newborns? What did you tell me?”
I waited, but she wouldn’t answer. She pressed her lips together.
“You told me to be good and listen to Carlisle,” I reminded her. “And what did I do? I listened to the vampire. For you.”
“You listened because it was the right thing to do.”
“Okay—pick either reason.”

She took a deep breath. “It’s not the right thing now.” Her gaze touched her big round stomach and she whispered under her breath, “I won’t kill him.”
My hands shook again. “Oh, I hadn’t heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.”

Her face turned pink. The color was so beautiful—it twisted in my stomach like a knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.
I was going to lose this. Again.

“I don’t know he’s a boy,” she admitted, a little sheepish. “The ultrasound wouldn’t work. The membrane around the baby is too hard—like their skin. So he’s a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.”

“It’s not some pretty baby in there, Bella.”
“We’ll see,” she said. Almost smug.
“
You
won’t,” I snarled.
“You’re very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk away from this.”
I couldn’t answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip on my fury.
“Jake,” she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. “It’s going to be okay. Shh. It’s okay.”
I didn’t look up. “No. It will not be okay.”
She wiped something wet from my cheek. “Shh.”

“What’s the deal, Bella?” I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. “I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now you’re just giving him up? That doesn’t make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?”

I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldn’t change their direction.
She sighed. “It’s not like that. I didn’t really care about having a baby. I didn’t even think about it. It’s not just having a baby. It’s… well…
this
baby.”
“It’s a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.”
“He’s not. It’s me. I’m just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can—”
“Aw,
come on!
Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but you’re not fooling me. You know you’re not going to make it.”
She glared at me. “I do not
know
that. I’m worried about it, sure.”
“
Worried
about it,” I repeated through my teeth.
She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch being turned off.
“I’m fine,” she panted. “It’s nothing.”

But I didn’t hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink.

She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.
“He’s strong, that’s all,” she said defensively.
The ink spots were bruises.
I almost gagged, and I understood what he’d said, about watching it hurt her. Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.
“Bella,” I said.
She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes confused.
“Bella, don’t do this.”
“Jake—”
“Listen to me. Don’t get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if… ?”
“What if what?”
“What if this wasn’t a one-shot deal? What if it wasn’t all or nothing? What if you just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?”
“I won’t—”
“I’m not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didn’t work out. Try again.”

She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows were mashing together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while she tried to make sense of it.

“I don’t understand.… What do you mean, try again? You can’t think Edward would let me… ? And what difference would it make? I’m sure any baby—”
“Yes,” I snapped. “Any kid
of his
would be the same.”
Her tired face just got more confused. “What?”
But I couldn’t say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her from herself. I’d never been able to do that.
Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.

“Oh. Ugh.
Please
, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some generic substitute? Artificial insemination?” She was mad now. “Why would I want to have some stranger’s baby? I suppose it just doesn’t make a difference? Any baby will do?”

“I didn’t mean that,” I muttered. “Not a stranger.”
She leaned forward. “Then what are you saying?”
“Nothing. I’m saying nothing. Same as ever.”
“Where did that come from?”
“Forget it, Bella.”
She frowned, suspicious. “Did
he
tell you to say that?”
I hesitated, surprised that she’d made that leap so quick. “No.”
“He did, didn’t he?”
“No, really. He didn’t say anything about artificial whatever.”

Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted. She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. “He would do anything for me. And I’m hurting him so much.… But what is he thinking? That I would trade this”—her hand traced across her belly—“for some stranger’s . . .” She mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.

“You don’t have to hurt him,” I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive. Still a thousand-to-one odds. “You could make him happy again, Bella. And I really think he’s losing it. Honestly, I do.”

She didn’t seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to reason with her?

“Not a stranger?” she murmured to herself. I flinched. “What exactly did Edward say to you?” she asked in a low voice.
“Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me.”
“Not that. About trying again.”
Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that I’d already given too much away.
“Nothing.”
Her mouth fell open a little. “Wow.”
It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet her stare.
“He really would do
anything
, wouldn’t he?” she whispered.
“I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell on him right away. Get him in trouble.”
When I looked up, she was grinning.
“Thought about it.” I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my face.
She knew what I was offering, and she wasn’t going to think twice about it. I’d known that she wouldn’t. But it still stung.
“There isn’t much you wouldn’t do for me, either, is there?” she whispered. “I really don’t know why you bother. I don’t deserve either of you.”
“It makes no difference, though, does it?”

“Not this time.” She sighed. “I wish I could explain it to you right so that you would understand. I can’t hurt him”—she pointed to her stomach—“any more than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him.”

“Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?”
“I don’t think I do.”
I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I wanted it. “Trust me.”
I started to get to my feet.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not doing any good here.”
She held out her thin hand, pleading. “Don’t go.” I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.
“I don’t belong here. I’ve got to get back.”
“Why did you come today?” she asked, still reaching limply.
“Just to see if you were really alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie said.”
I couldn’t tell from her face whether she bought that or not.
“Will you come back again? Before . . .”
“I’m not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.”
She flinched. “You’re right, you’re right. You
should
go.”
I headed for the door.
“Bye,” she whispered behind me. “Love you, Jake.”

I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey, before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.

“Sure, sure,” I mumbled on my way out.

I didn’t see any of the vampires. I ignored my bike, standing all alone in the middle of the meadow. It wasn’t fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked out—Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn’t heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I’d had the chance? I stripped down, not caring who might be watching, and started running. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.

They were waiting. Of course they were.
Jacob, Jake,
eight voices chorused in relief.
Come home
now
,
the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.

I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn’t vampire chow to listen to the whole story.

I didn’t have to tell the pack I was on my way—they could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didn’t have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.

They saw all the horror—Bella’s mottled stomach; her raspy voice:
he’s strong, that’s all
; the burning man in Edward’s face:
watching her sicken and waste away… seeing it hurting her
; Rosalie crouched over Bella’s limp body:
Bella’s life means nothing to her —
and for once, no one had anything to say.
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.