Twitterature (15 page)

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Authors: Alexander Aciman

BOOK: Twitterature
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Whatʼs going on here? Where is this going? Madame Sosostris, what gives?
 
Sweet, time for chess: Englandʼs number one pastime.
 
My king was killed, my queen violated, my rook and brother left to wither. The rest is silence. (
dies
)
 
I see now the eyes of a familiar compound ghost, both intimate and unidentifiable.
 
Già contento requïevi di grande ammirazione; ma ora ammiro comʼ io trascenda questi corpi levi.
 
Timeʼs winged chariot hurrying near! His hopes ʼbove wisdom, grace, and fear.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Glories, like glowworms, afar shine bright, but looked at too near have neither heat nor light.
 
Why do you break me? It spoke! Is not a thing of beauty a joy forever, what more do you need to know?
 
Jai Guru Deva Om, nothingʼs gonna change my world.
Lady Chatterleyʼs Lover
by D. H. Lawrence
@EarlyBloomer69
 
Is it unusual that I had lots of sexual encounters starting from a fresh, ripe age?
 
 
I met a man today. Baby heʼs a rich man too! Heʼs going off to war though.
 
My husband Clifford came back from war a cripple. Wheelchair. He canʼt get wood anymore :(
 
My manʼs deciding to be a little douche and start a writing career. Heʼs pretty successful, but Iʼm pretty horny.
 
All his intello friends are coming over all the time. Borrrrrring. All they do is talk about books.
 
Iʼm having an affair with one of my husbandʼs writer friends.
 
 
All he did during sex was talk to me about feelings and intellectual things. Does he think women like this? I just wanna fuck!
 
Our farmhand is so aloof and Romantic. I wanna get on that.
 
Weʼre becoming friends. Heʼs reluctant to talk to me because of ʻclass differencesʼ. What a pussy.
We had sex in a shack. We shacked up, har har har. Iʼve got plenty of sex puns left, donʼt worry!
 
We had sex again on the floor of a forest. We shared an orgasm. Cum together, right now, over me.
 
This is what I want. No brains, no talking, no sensitivity. Just str8 up fucking all day every day.
 
Iʼm def preggers with his baby.
 
My lover, Oliver, and I have such a purely physical bond. With bondage.
 
Oliverʼs bat-shit crazy wife came back and started talking smack about him.
 
He got fired from my familyʼs property for the rumors his wife spread. Iʼm leaving my husband!
 
He wonʼt give me a divorce. I would go Lorena Bobbitt on him if he had any use for his dick.
 
Iʼm so miserable. All I wish is that one day Oliver and I be together.
 
I wonder what Oliver is doing right now . . . probably plowing. I guess thatʼs his job.
Jane Eyre
by Charlotte Brontë
@ToEyreIsHuman
 
I wish my parents had died impressively. Like Harry Potter; that kidʼs got one hell of an orphan story.
 
I have to live with my aunt. Total beo-tch. This is like Cinderella. Except no fairy godmother.
 
My aunt is sending me to a crap boarding school. Itʼs like the ones you see in commercials for Save the Children on the History Channel.
 
The education is legit. Like we read books, but kids are dying of illness. This place is grimier than a hookerʼs snatch.
 
 
So apparently by not getting swine flu or TB I qualified for a teaching position?
 
Just got offered a job as a governess for a caddy single dad who needs to change womanizing ways. This would make a great Hugh Grant flick.
 
Romance, romance, this poppa Rochester wants to get in my pants!
 
Weʼre in love. And to be married. This house is like a matchbox though, it keeps setting on fire. I wonder why?
 
This strange man has a secret about Rochester. He says that Rochesterʼs got another wife locked in the attic!
There is legitimately a crazy black chick running around up here like sheʼs playing a game of fucking animal charades.
 
LOL, her name is Bertha. I guess we know who was starting all those fires now though.
 
He says he was high in Jamaica and wanted to get tribal one night and got hitched. Havenʼt heard
that one
before.
 
Iʼm leaving. All this is much too crazy for me.
 
I ran away to a farm. This St John fellow wants to sleep with me, I think.
 
These farmhands are my cousins? And my dad left a huge inheritance for us. How convenient! Deus ex machina, win!
 
 
Iʼm going back to Rochester!
 
When I found him he was sitting in a pile of ashes crying. Heʼs missing an arm and is blind.
 
The Kunta Kinte pyro bitch is dead. Maaaaawwwage!
Aliceʼs Adventures in Wonderland
by Lewis Carroll
@AliceInTheSkyWithDiamonds
 
Like many book characters, Iʼm pretty bored. Oh! A white rabbit! Just like in
The Matrix
. That movie was pretty dope, if youʼre on drugs.
 
Down into the rabbit hole I go! Ohh, thatʼs rich. I feel like Neo.
 
Is it OK to drink from a mysterious bottle thatʼs been opened? What if there are Ruffies in it?
 
I donʼt know whatʼs going on, but in a typically feminine manner Iʼll allow confusion and being flustered to make me cry up a storm.
 
 
Am I still the same little girl that I was before? I feel like my ʻselfʼ is being deconstructed. And in HD, to boot.
 
I asked a mouse how to get dry from all my tears. He gave me a dry history lesson. People are purposefully confusing my words.
 
Iʼm in the rabbitʼs house. Hereʼs more mysterious juice. Should I drink it again? Oh what the hell. Hope I wonʼt be sore afterward.
 
Why are people throwing rocks at me like Iʼm Mary Magdalene? Iʼm a little girl, not a biblical prostitute . . . er, Christʼs wife.
I found a stoner Arab caterpillar. He made fun of me. Oh yeah? At least Iʼm not three inches tall with a case of the munchies.
 
At a tea party with a crackhead hat man. Heʼs a schizoid. Insanity is part of his public image. After all, he put ʻmadʼ in his name.
 
Sound has become distorted.
 
This land is terrorized by the Queen of Hearts. Sheʼs a card. Wouldnʼt it be funny if I just destroyed her army by shuffling them?
 
Iʼm in trouble. Iʼm not sure what I did. This is the worst day ever. I need a drink. Not from an unmarked bottle, though, no more of that.
 
Now Iʼm on trial. Another worst day ever. The queen stole my integrity and made me a felon. If I knew magic, Iʼd make her disappear.
 
If only I could grow large and crush them beneath me. Wait. I feel so strangely powerful, Iʼm huge. This courthouse is going down.
 
Oh, my sister is here. Sheʼs waking me for tea-time. Good, Iʼm home again.
 
A grinning cat, a tweeked-out hatter? A sadistic queen and a terrifying baby? This is the kinda shit that sends people to years of therapy.
 
God that was just insane. I need another adventure like that like I need a hole in the head.
The Tempest
by William Shakespeare
@Lolspero
 
Do you know what years on an island with a teenage daughter and a man-slave will do to you? No, not that.
 
Do you know hard it was dealing with that girl? She still thinks her period is a little man dying inside of her. Well, I guess it kind of is.
 
Isnʼt it conveniently ironic that all the people who ruined me have crashed on this very island? No! I did it with magic!
 
Oh my. This whole landing on the island plot is not going as planned. Instead itʼs a comedy of errors.
 
My slave is hanging out with a band of alcoholics. Heʼs drunk. This is a mess of post-prom proportions.
 
Of course, my daughter says sheʼs in love with some rockstar prince who promises love in return. Sheʼs a duchess, not a groupie!
 
It seems I still have semblance of control over this sprite, Ariel. Isnʼt that a girlʼs name, like the mermaid? He hates that joke.
 
Nothingʼs really going on, is it? This story is still pretty genius though. A story about nothing. Like
Seinfeld
.
 
Caliban is way drunker than before and is running around shouting about liberty. This is why you donʼt give slaves booze.
My daughter is very upset. She wants to marry. I fear sheʼll fall into drugs and adultery and come crawling back.
 
Actually, now that I see them together, I think that they are really in love. Unless this kid is a really good actor.
 
Kids and their devil music. Who knows anymore?
 
The BEST thing would be for more terrible things to happen, for the situation to deteriorate significantly. Thatʼs just what I need.
 
I canʼt deal with this nonsense anymore, I need an Advil and a Tums. Letʼs just put this to bed. THATʼS WHAT SHE SAID.
 
Today I told my daughter she could marry the rockstar kid.
 
I find it bizarre how now the world seems so frightening, and all the past matters not, and holds no bearing on anything.
 
These bricks, the sand, will all be gone one day. Time is so fugitive, and alas, so is life. Toss me in the shallows before I get too deep.
 
I shall cast this book of evil spells into the ocean.
 
Come on guys, give me a round of applause, wasnʼt I just amazing. Set me free, people. STAGE DIVE!!!! Catch me, please?
Madame Bovary
by Gustave Flaubert
@TheRealDesperateHousewife
 
I met a doctor today. He fixed my fatherʼs leg. Heʼs coming back tomorrow, and the next day. He seems very dedicated to my father.
 
Suddenly, his wife says he canʼt come anymore. Why? Itʼs not like heʼs attracted to my father.
 
Oh, wait. I totally know whatʼs going on. Itʼs like in those Harlequin novels I read.
 
The doctorʼs wife is dead. Soon heʼll be at my doorstep. Yeah, weʼre married now. Iʼm a visionary. I should go to Vegas with this power.
 
 
Heʼs a good husband, does everything right, but heʼs such a putz. He bumped into a bookshelf and caused a cascade of 200 books and an urn.
 
My sadness is bothersome. He says I need to change scenery. That will help like a trip to Italy cures TB. What I need is a good poking.
 
With child! I need a baby like I need a hole in the head. I definitely donʼt love this baby. Watch me go coat hanger on it.
 
What a drag it is getting old. Trying drugs. Also met a hot law student in town. He shares the same tastes as I do.
I wonder if men sometimes agree with your tastes just to get you into bed. Canʼt prove it, though. Never mind.
 
I canʼt do it! I must play the good housewife. My sense of morality is focused on duty rather than pleasure. Like in
Revolutionary Road
?
 
 
At least Iʼm a good person, at least I did what is right. At least I still have my virtue. Iʼm so miserable!
 
Today a man brought someone to my husband. He gave me the look. You know, the ʻI want to get naked with youʼ look.
 
My husband agreed to let me go riding with the man. The hell with virtue.
 
You know what really turns me on? Sending filthy letters to my lover that my husband might see. Itʼs risky, but really hot.
 
 
This is it: Iʼm going to leave my husband for my lover.
 
My lover doesnʼt want to run away, and complicate our lives. Was I just used for sex? Iʼm so terribly ill. Should I turn to God?
 
 
Iʼve recovered all my strength.
God?
Turn to
God???
What was I thinking?
 
My life is awful. Iʼm going shopping. I want to buy a whole bunch on credit that I canʼt afford, and then declare bankruptcy.

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