Two Spirit Ranch (11 page)

At the end of the day, the professor requested to come back the next day to continue, and Terri agreed. 

Compulsively, she checked her phone a few times to see if she may have missed Jake's call.  Nothing.  He obviously didn't want to speak to her. Feelings of rejection crept into the back of her mind. It was like reliving the break-up with Tom all over again but this time it seemed more painful.

Terri went into the bathroom to look at herself. She washed her face and took off her make-up and stared at the person in the mirror. After years of therapy and a living a life as a woman before her operation, she felt ready--ready for the surgery and the follow-up hormone treatments. And now, looking at herself, she was finally the woman she always had imagined she would be. When she was Terrence, she fought so hard to make the true her disappear. Now Terri had a career and friends who loved her. And yet instead of having everything, she seemed to be losing everything. Uncle Bud. Tom. And now Jake. Beautifully handsome and gentlemanly Jake. How she longed to snuggle into his firm, smooth chest and be wrapped up by his strong arms again. Would last night be their only night together?

Her pondering was interrupted by a loud crashing sound downstairs and the sound of a speeding car. She hurried downstairs to find a rock thrown into her front window, broken glass littered the living room floor.  She rushed to the door and could only see red taillights fading into the distance.  She ran down the walkway hysterical, shocked and angry. The day had been one disaster after another.

“Damn you!” was all she could yell out of the top of her lungs, the words disappearing into the empty landscape.

She turned around and could see spray painted words illuminated by the porch light. The words “Freak Go Home” in red paint glared back at her against backdrop of the ranch home. But the sight didn’t sadden Terri, it actually fueled her anger. How dare they ruin Uncle Bud’s house!  She had done nothing to anyone there to deserve this type of aggression.  Were people here that scared of someone who was different from them?

Many people would back down, but not Terri.  She had learned many years ago that giving in accomplished nothing.

She took a deep breath, tried to calm herself and her now shaky nerves.  She went into the house and called 911.  The dispatcher said someone would come over.  She couldn't help but wonder if that person would be Jake. Please let it be Jake. She wanted, needed, to see him one more time.

Back in town, Carl handed out the last of the $20 bills into the hands of two kids. “You sure the person in the house didn’t see you?”

            “Nah, man, we parked far away and drove off before anyone could see us,” the pierced and tattooed teen named Gus said, looking smug.

“I saw that thing running out the door behind us though!  We got that house good man!” the other boy, this one more scrappy with red hair, nicknamed Carrot said.

“Good work,” Carl said. “Now, make sure you don't breathe a word of this to no one.  Don't go bragging to your buddies.  That's how people get caught.  Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah, we got you,” Gus said.

Carl walked off with a wide smile of satisfaction on his face. He lit up a cigarette and took a long, slow drag, feeling more relaxed and confident than he ever had been in a long time.

Chapter 11

Terri ran outside in the moonlight when she saw the blue and red flashing lights approaching.  She felt a lump in her throat when she saw Jake climb out of the patrol car.  He looked down at the gravel as he approached her. She wanted to hug him and have him comfort her, but his body language indicated otherwise.

“Jake!” she said.  “I wondered if you'd be the one to come out.”

He finally looked up, and his eyes met hers for a brief second before he surveyed the damage.

“I'm the only one who
could
come out right now,” he admitted.

She felt a twinge of disappointment.  She had wanted him to come out to make sure she was okay, protected, just like after the storm. 

He walked towards the house, and his eyes mentally took notes.

“I'm sorry about this.  Some people truly are despicable,” he said.

She wondered if he meant only the vandals or was she included in that statement.

“How long ago?” he asked, taking a pen and pad out of his pocket.

“About ten minutes ago.  The rock came crashing through the window.  All I saw when I came out was red taillights.  When I turned around, I found this,” she said motioning to the hate graffiti that now covered the front of Uncle Bud's house, now her house.

“Let me look things over,” Jake said, his voice void of emotion.  “Show me where the rock is.”

They walked up on the porch and started to go inside but Jake paused.

“Terri, aren't you going to say something?” Jake blurted out as he stood behind her.

A moment passed and Terri took a deep breath to steel herself before she turned around to face Jake. He looked even more handsome tonight than when she last saw him. The emotions she felt being near him began to pour into her once again.

When her eyes met his, he could have sworn he felt his heartbeat increase ten-fold.  The whole day his mind had been reeling from what Carl told him.  He tried to make sense of it.  He’d never known a woman like her before, and yet, while making love to her the night before he never noticed any difference.  He had used protection, but she looked, sounded, felt and even tasted like a woman to him. He tried to reconcile the two in his mind.

 He felt confused and betrayed.  How could she not tell him such an important piece of information?  Didn’t he deserve as much? Jake had always considered himself a man who didn’t care what others thought of him.  So, it pained him to admit to himself that he hated the looks and stares from the other townspeople all day. Talking behind his back. If it were true, what did that make him? He could see them whispering, the sideways glances, and the smirks.

 “Your cousin, Carl, spoke to you didn't he?” she said at last.  She averted her eyes as if it pained her to look at him.  “You know, don't you?”

“I do,” Jake said, holding his uniform hat by his side and trying to keep his composure.  He tried to go into “sheriff  mode,” to not let his feelings get the best of him.  Instead, he would question the “witness” and get answers to his questions.  Keep it strictly professional, even though he was vested in this case emotionally as well. To think about it too much on a personal level hurt too badly.  She had been the first woman he had felt himself truly opening up to since Sherilynn, and now he was left with nothing but a bunch of questions.  “What I want to know is why
you
didn't tell me?  You had every chance. Do you know how it felt to have Carl be the one to tell me?”

Jake paused, and he appeared to be struggling for the words to express himself.

“How did it make you feel?” she asked, the words barely escaping her throat.

“Betrayed,” he said finally, the words cutting into her heart like a sharp knife into butter.  “I don't pretend to understand everything...
yet.
I may be a small town sheriff but didn’t you respect me enough to tell the truth?  But I would have rather heard it from you first hand.  Don't you think I deserved at least that, Terri?  Don't you? Didn’t I deserve some respect after all we’ve been through?”

 “You do,” she admitted.  “I don’t know how I could have handled anything here without you, Jake. I needed you.  I was afraid...”

“Of?”

“What do you mean
of
?” she said, suddenly sounding defensive.  “I wanted to tell you last night. After the fair. Before we…made love. You must know how it scared me to tell you. But then I wanted to tell you the next morning…but you were gone. I felt so abandoned.”

Her mind transported her back to that magical night when Jake had made her feel  exactly how a man should make a woman feel...sexy, loved, and protected. 

“I just never thought things would go this far, Jake,” she admitted. “And last night happened. It was special to me. I don’t know how you feel but I’ll always remember it…”

“Well, the jury’s still out,” he said, leaning back on the porch post and gazing at the sky as if searching for answers.  “I’m not sure where all this is going. But here we are.”

She took a deep breath and asked the one question she feared knowing the answer to the most, “Does knowing everything change the way you feel?”

He turned to face her, and Terri searched his countenance for the answer. Jake’s mind went back to the night before, the kisses, the caresses, the feeling of a true connection when he made love to her.  How could he not have known, sensed a difference? Was he different now? He had so many questions swirling in his mind.

“You should have told me,” Jake said exasperated and challenging her. “I thought I knew you.  Who are you Terri?”

Terri grabbed a lock of her hair with both her hands and closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts. How do you explain the years of growing up hating your body? Feeling it was alien to the person inside? Or all the years seeing other friends mature into young women while your voice was getting deeper, facial hair was growing, and instead of your womanhood below, something else was developing? It felt like a constant struggle to keep having to explain who she was to so many people.  Why couldn’t people just accept her as the woman she now was?  How could she explain it to Jake, who she cared for so deeply, yet she was afraid he would hurt her like her ex?

Terri inhaled sharply and began to tell the truth.  “That boy that I was then, that people saw… I had to get rid of him because I had no choice, or I felt like I would die.”         “I don’t understand any of this.  How can you say you didn’t have a choice to go from being a man to a woman?” Jake retorted.

Terri fought back the tears as the floodgates of her memories were rushing back in. “I had no choice. I knew when I was little that I was in the wrong body. It was one of my earliest memories when I was five. I prayed to God that when puberty hit I would start to change. And I did change. I became less and less what I felt inside. And when I was finally brave enough to do it while in law school, my new life began. I became who I was always meant to be…”

Jake looked at her sympathetically.  He appeared to be
trying
to understand her, and that, to Terri, demonstrated just how good of a man he was. She could imagine most of the men from this small town freaking out completely, treating her like a pariah, painting this horrible graffiti on Uncle Bud’s house, but yet here he was at least asking her the questions. Trying to bridge the gap. 

“Some people, such as most of my family, couldn’t accept my transitioning. They called me a monster and cut all ties with me. You wouldn’t understand what that’s like. Being different. Look at you. You’re perfect. You’ve never felt like a…like a…a freak,” she said accusingly. Her tears started to flow, and she turned away from Jake.

Jake shoved his hands in his pockets and sighed deeply.
Freak
. Jake hated that word and any word that made people feel less than. He remembered being on the school playground in elementary school and having the other kids call him half-breed. It made him hate his native heritage at the time, and now that shamed him.  It was only when he took Professor Redfeather’s class did he realize the wisdom of the first peoples, living in harmony with the land and their many accomplishments. He understood being different and the cruelty of others. He felt his experience gave him the empathy he needed to be a good person as well as a good sheriff. He looked at her now, so vulnerable. He couldn’t help but think that she was still so beautiful.

“Let’s go in and survey the damage. Where did the rock land exactly?” Jake asked, abruptly changing the subject as his mind continued to try to sort everything.

She watched him walk inside the house, and she tried in vain to fight back the tears.  Was that it?  Did he not want to hear her anymore?  The feelings of last night rushed into her brain, and she yearned for his warm, comforting embrace. Jake had made her feel wanted again, and it had scared and enthralled Terri at the same time.  But just as quickly as it happened between them, it had fallen apart.

She walked into the house and found him crouched down and examining the rock and the damage.  He shook his head in disgust.

“I’m sorry about this,” he said softly, removing his examining gloves.

She shrugged and said, “It’s not your fault.”

Jake stood back up and said, “You know you can’t stay here tonight.”

“What?” she said in surprise.  As shaken as she was, she’d never been one to run especially since transitioning.  She had spent far too many years running from things and didn’t want to do it anymore.  Terri was tired of being afraid and this latest occurrence only strengthened her resolve.

“It’s not safe here for you tonight.  What if the vandals come back?  What if they have other plans...?”

“I’m not going anywhere.  Those bigots are running me away from my own house.”

Jake moaned in exasperation and ran his hand through his thick, dark hair.  “Please, don’t be stubborn about this.  Take my advice.  What would you do if they came back and tried to do something worse than spray painting or throwing rocks?”

She pondered the thought and fear began to creep into her mind.  Yet, she just hated the idea of having these close-minded people run her off with her tail between her legs.

“I can take care of myself,” she said, but she knew her voice now betrayed her.  She sounded concerned and worried.

Jake was silent for a moment.  His eyes scanned the room.  They looked anywhere but at her directly.  Eventually, he said, “Fine.  But I’m staying here with you.”

“Oh,” was all she could manage to say.

“On the couch,” he quickly added.  “If they see the patrol car and a light on, they won’t try and do anything.  I’m sure.”

“You don’t have to do this,” she said.

“I took an oath,” Jake replied, finally looking her in the eye.  “To protect and to serve
all
the citizens of my county, and I meant that.”