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Authors: Alicia Hendley

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“Um, this is a poem that was written by someone named Mary Elizabeth Frye a long time ago. I think my brother would have liked it.” I pause, and clear by throat. “Okay, um, so here it goes….” I try to speak, but end up crying. I hold the poem out to Noah, who takes it firmly from me and begins reading, his voice clear and strong.

“
Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s rush. I am the swift uplifting rush. Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die
.”

Noah carefully folds the paper and hands it back to me. I gently place it on top of the other objects in the hole and then take a step back. The woods are silent, but for the small sounds of birds and squirrels.
Just like when I sat here with my brother, just like before
.

A few days pass, with everyone being too silent. It’s a strange mix of kids at the cabin, some I know, but five who are new. I’m not sure how to act around them, what to do, what to say. Taylor is gone, having been put on a secret assignment that I haven’t been told about. Everything about the place is too quiet, now that James is gone.

I notice that Amy has started wearing a ring. When I ask Meg about it, she tells me it’s an engagement ring from James, given over a year ago. Amy had wanted it to remain a secret, until now. Hearing about the engagement makes my heart ache. On my third morning back, Peter calls a meeting. After everyone is settled in the main room, Amy suddenly stands up.

“I’m sorry, guys, but I can’t do this,” she says. “I thought I could, but I just can’t.” She covers her face with her hands and her body starts to shake.

Peters goes to her and puts an arm around her shoulders. “It’s okay if you’re not part of the meeting,” he says. “I think we’ll all understand if you need to sit this one out.”

Amy shakes her head vigorously and puts her hands down. “No!” she shouts. Her face is pale and covered with tears. “You don’t get it! I mean I can’t do this! I’m done!”

“What do you mean?” Meg asks.

“I’m done with this, all of this,” she gestures wildly with her hands. “Enough, already, enough!” Her voice ends in a sob and she races into the other room and slams the door.

For a few seconds, no one says anything. I can feel my eyes fill with tears, but I blink hard a few times and they’re gone. James had planned to make Amy his family, which would make her my family, too. I need to help her somehow. I need to at least try.

“I’m going to see if she’s okay,” Meg says.

“Can I go first?” I ask. “Please?”

Meg looks surprised, but nods. I walk over to bedroom door and knock. There’s no answer. I slowly turn the knob and open the door. I see Amy sitting cross-legged on a mattress, turning the ring around her finger.

“I meant what I said,” she says, not looking up. “It’s over. I’m done.”

I shut the door behind me, then walk closer to her.

Finally, she lifts her head and glares at me. “The Group, it’s over,” she says. “It was James’s nice little dream, but when it comes down to it, it’s all pointless and stupid. The Association is going to keep doing what it’s doing, more and more kids will be killed, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.”

I reach out to touch her, but she flinches. “But Amy, there’s something you don’t know. I was going to say something before, but then I heard about James. What I wanted to tell you is that there’s a woman in The Association who want to help us. She’s already organized other members and they want to help fight from the inside! Her name is Yael Kaufman and she…”

Amy suddenly laughs, the sound brittle and hard. “Do you think one Psychologist will make a difference?”

“But it’s not just one,” I say. “There’s so much I want to tell you, tell the whole Group! There’s about to be a lot of changes happening and Yael thinks other Psychologists won’t go along with it. She gave me some stuff for us to look at, stuff you can put in the newspaper! “

Amy stands up and begins walking around the room. “I can live here, in the cabin. We all can if we want too. I mean, it’s self-sustaining, right?” She heads to the window and looks outside. “I can be in charge of the vegetable garden. Maybe Peter can learn how to set traps for animals to eat. We won’t have to worry about what’s happening out there anymore. We can just be safe.” She glances at me, her gaze unfocused. I’m not even sure if she’s talking to me anymore. “The most important thing is for us to be safe!”

I take a deep breath, then let it out. “Is that what James would want?” I whisper. “For us to be safe but for things for everyone else to keep getting worse?”

Amy’s eyes now focus on me, her gaze cold. “And what do you know about what James would want?”

She stares at me until I look away, then turns back to the window again. “You know nothing,” she says, softly. “You’re just a stupid, selfish little kid.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

I kept dreaming of a world I thought I’d never see…

—TRON: Legacy

As soon as
I go back into the main room, everyone stops talking. Meg looks at me and I turn away.
What is there to say
? I sit down next to Noah and sigh. Maybe Amy is right, after all. Maybe we should just give up the plan and focus instead on living here forever. We’d be safe, at least. Before I can think any further, the image of James enters my mind.
Now is not the time to think about yourself. Think about James and what he gave up. Think about Marcus. Think about the Group.

Peter clears his throat. “Didn’t you tell me you had information from that Psychologist to show us?”

I nod and force myself to smile slightly. “It’s in my knapsack,” I say. “Let me go get it.”

“I’ll grab it,” Noah says. He grabs the bag from where I left it a few days ago, touching my hand for a moment as he passes it to me.

“It’s about the T-4 program that happened in Germany and how it links to what they are starting to do at the different Harmonies now. As long as we don’t mention our source, we can use it in the next newspaper.” I unzip the bag, then pull out a file, filled with the information that Yael trusted me enough to keep.
I can do this. We all can do this
. “Okay, guys,” I say. “Let me tell you what I know.”

A few hours later I go for a walk outside with Noah. I asked him to come out with me and for once he didn’t tease me or try to find out why. He seemed to know that I needed him, and that was enough. For several minutes, we don’t say anything, finding comfort in each other’s presence and the sounds of birds chattering overhead.

Eventually we come to the clearing that Noah took me to once before. I stop walking and sit down on the ground. I wait until Noah sits down next to me, and then I begin. The whole time I’m speaking, Noah just watches me and listens, nodding once in a while to show he gets what I’m saying. Finally, after what seems like hours but was only minutes, I’m done.

“Are you sure?” Noah asks. “I mean, really?”

I nod. “I’ve thought it through and I just know this is what James would want. And he’d want it because he’d realize it was for the best.”

Noah pulls at a few blades of grass. “You’ve started to grow up, little girl,” he says, softly. “For a while there I didn’t know if it would ever happen, but now it has.”

A few months ago I would have taken Noah’s words as an insult. I would have pouted, stuck out my tongue at him, or even given him a shove. Now, instead, I reach out and touch his arm. “Thank you,” I say.

“When we get back, I can call another meeting,” he says. “Do you want to make the motion or should I do it?”

“I’d like to,” I say. “But let’s wait a few days, okay?”

“Makes sense. That’ll give us time to talk to the others about what we want to do.” Noah tosses away the grass and stands up. He reaches out his hand to me to pull me up and I give it to him. Once I’m standing, I expect Noah to drop my hand, but he doesn’t. Instead he keeps holding my fingers, his skin warm against my own. Our hands still together, we walk back the same path we came, once again with no need for talking.

During the next two days, Amy stays in the bedroom most of the time, only speaking to Peter or Meg. I make a point of giving her the space she seems to need away from me and focus instead on talking to all the other members of the Group when I can get them alone. When I explain to them my plan and why I think it’s important, I find each person listens, despite being older and a lot more experienced than me. It turns out Noah was right. Somehow, when I wasn’t looking, I’ve started to grow. By the end of the second day, Amy begins to rejoin the Group during meals, and to interact with most of the others. I see Noah watching her, also noticing. On the third morning, he calls a meeting and everyone comes to sit in the main room. Everyone, including Amy.

Once people have settled down on the sofa or the floor, Noah lets out a loud whistle. “Okay, you guys, time to get started. As most of you know, there’s a crucial piece of business that hasn’t been covered, out of respect for James. That piece of business is electing a new leader.”

At the mention of my brother, Amy starts to get up from the sofa, but Peter gently pulls her back down and puts his arm around her.

I quickly stand up and clear my throat. “I’d like to make a motion,” I say.

“This should be good,” Amy mutters.

“I motion to have Amy elected as the new leader of the Group.”

Amy swivels her head sharply towards me. “What?”

Noah stands up next to me. “I second the motion.”

“Do people third motions?” Meg says, standing up from her seat. “Because I third it!”

“Motion carried,” Peter says.

“No, guys, wait! Stop!” Amy says. “I mean, seriously, why are you doing this?”

“Because you’re the most qualified,” Peter says. “It wasn’t just James who ran this Group. It was both of you, together. I know it, and so do you.”

Amy sighs, the sound filling the room. “I can’t,” she says finally. “I’m sorry, everybody, but I can’t.” She twirls her ring around her finger. “If James were here…” Her voice fades away.

I take a step towards Amy, my gaze on hers. This time I don’t look away. “If James were here, this is what he would want.”

“And what if I tell you to stay here and make copies?” she asks. “Or to clean out the composting toilet? What if I want you to do something that’s insanely boring and doesn’t involve you personally trying to save the world while putting other people’s lives at risk?” Her voice rises. “What if I ask you to do something because I think it’s important to the Group? What about then?”

“Then I’ll do it.” I keep her gaze. “I’ll do it because you’re smart and you’re brave and my brother trusted you enough to make you his family. That’s enough for me.”

Amy looks at me for a few moments, silent. Then slowly, so, so slowly, she stands up, too. “I’ll do it.”

END NOTES

PART ONE: Opening Quotations (from books)

CHAPTER ONE

All the other bulls
…

Munro Leaf,
The Story of Ferdinand
(The Viking Press, 1936), p. 22-23.

CHAPTER TWO

I wish Pooh…

A. A. Milne,
Winnie-The-Pooh
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1926), p. 134.

CHAPTER THREE

What we need…

B. F. Skinner,
Beyond Freedom & Dignity
(Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., 1971), p. 3.

CHAPTER FOUR

A great deal of…

Bertrand Russell,
Education and the Social Order
(G. Allen & Unwin, 1932), p. 100.

CHAPTER FIVE

No one can tell me…

A. A. Milne,
Now We Are Six
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1927), p. 95.

CHAPTER SIX

The important bee…

A. A. Milne,
Winnie-The-Pooh
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1926), p. 16.

CHAPTER SEVEN

The relationship between…

B. F. Skinner,
Beyond Freedom & Dignity
(Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., 1971), p. 161.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Should we tell her…

Dr. Seuss,
The Cat in the Hat
(Houghton Mifflin, 1957), p. 61.

CHAPTER NINE

What means
…

Sigmund Freud,
Civilization and Its Discontents
(Translated by James Strachey, 1961, W. W. Norton & Company), p. 83.

CHAPTER TEN

Look, Lorax…

Dr. Seuss,
The Lorax
(Random House, 1971), p. 24.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

There is an idea…

Bertrand Russell,
Education and the Social Order
(G. Allen & Unwin, 1932), p. 100.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Once there was…

Margaret Wise Brown,
The Runaway Bunny
(Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc., 1942), p. 1.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The wild things…

Maurice Sendak,
Where The Wild Things Are
(HarperCollinsPublishers, 1963), p. 32.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Supposing a tree…

A. A. Milne,
The House at Pooh Corner
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1928), p. 133.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It is safe…

Lewis M. Terman,
The Measurement of Intelligence
(Houghton Mifflin, 1916), p. 6-7.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

‘
Pooh!’ he whispered
…

A. A. Milne,
The House at Pooh Corner
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1928), p. 120.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The intentional design…

B. F. Skinner,
Beyond Freedom & Dignity
(Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., 1971), p. 167.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

You must be a friend
…

Don Freeman,
Corduroy
(The Viking Press, 1968), p. 28.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

He thought it would be fun…

Ezra Jack Keats,
The Snowy Day
(Viking Penguin Inc., 1962), p. 19

CHAPTER TWENTY

It is fun…

Dr. Seuss,
The Cat in the Hat
(Houghton Mifflin, 1957), p. 18.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Although most…

Morton Hunt,
The Story of Psychology
(Doubleday, 1993), p. 634.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

It is hard to be…

A. A. Milne,
Winnie-The-Pooh
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1926), p. 94.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

It wasn’t quite day…

Shel Silverstein,
Falling Up
(HarperCollinsPublishers, 1996), p. 100.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Perhaps I am a Postman…

A. A. Milne,
Now We Are Six
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1927), p. 9.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Then he heard it again!

Dr. Seuss
, Horton Hears a Who! (Dr. Seuss, Random House, 1954), p. 3.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

While he slept
…

Ezra Jack Keats,
The Snowy Day
(Viking Penguin Inc., 1962), p. 30.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Civilization has little to fear…

Sigmund Freud,
The Future of an Illusion
(Translated by James Strachey, 1961, W. W. Norton & Company), p. 49.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

A person’s a person…

Dr.
Seuss
, Horton Hears a Who! (Dr. Seuss, Random House, 1954),
p. 6

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

In the continuum of symptoms…

Edward Shorter,
A History of Psychiatry
(John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1997), p. 292.

CHAPTER THIRTY

It is perfectly clear…

Henry H. Goddard,
Feeble-mindedness: Its Causes and Consequences
(MacMillan, 1914), p.561.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Needles and pins…

Shel Silverstein,
Falling Up
(HarperCollinsPublishers, 1996), p.23.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Don’t ever tell…

J. D. Salinger,
The Catcher in the Rye
(Little, Brown and Company, Inc., 1951), p. 214.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

She was not afraid
…

Ludwig Bemelmans,
Madeline
(Simon and Schuster, 1939), p. 13-15.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Goodnight noises everywhere.

Margaret Wise Brown,
Goodnight Moon
(Harper & Row, 1947), p. 30.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Pooh, promise
…

A. A. Milne,
The House at Pooh Corner
(E. P. Dutton & Co, Inc., 1928), p. 179.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Up! Up! Up!

Dr. Seuss,
Great Day for Up
(Random House Inc., 1974), p. 23-24.

PART TWO: Opening Quotations (from films/television movies)

CHAPTER ONE

You are talking to a man…

The Wizard of Oz
(produced by MGM, 1939).

CHAPTER TWO

You can’t eat the orange…

Death of a Salesman
(produced by CBS, 1985).

CHAPTER THREE

You can wake up now
…

Rebel Without a Cause
(produced by Warner Bros. Entertainment, 1955).

CHAPTER FOUR

Shouldn’t everybody care…

On the Waterfront
(produced by Columbia Pictures, 1954).

CHAPTER FIVE

I just don’t know that…

Footloose
(produced by Paramount Pictures, 1984).

CHAPTER SIX

Do not speak to me
…

The Bridge on the River Kwai (produced by Columbia Pictures, 1954).

CHAPTER SEVEN

Fasten your seatbelts…

All About Eve
(produced by 20th Century Fox, 1950)

CHAPTER EIGHT

Nothing gold…

The Outsiders
(produced by American Zoetrope, 1983).

CHAPTER NINE

Is there anybody…

The Wall
(produced by Goldcrest Films and MGM, 1982).

CHAPTER TEN

Psychologically, I’m very confused…

The Shop Around the Corner
(produced by MGM, 1940).

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I must be crazy…

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
(produced by Fantasy Films, 1975).

CHAPTER TWELVE

I suppose he had…

Citizen Kane
(produced by RKO Pictures, 1941).

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The best thing…

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
(produced by Fantasy Films, 1975).

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

There never was…

All About Eve
(produced by 20th Century Fox, 1950).

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It is so nice…

When Harry Met Sally
(produced by Columbia Pictures and Castle Rock Entertainment, 1989).

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

You could be happy…

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
(produced by Amblin Entertainment, 1982).

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Strange, isn’t it?

It’s a Wonderful Life
(produced by RKO Pictures, 1946).

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The honor code…

School Ties
(produced by Paramount Pictures, 1992).

CHAPTER NINETEEN

You can’t win…

The Outsiders
(produced by American Zoetrope, 1983).

CHAPTER TWENTY

What’s the use…

Modern Times
(produced by Charlie Chaplin Productions, 1936).

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Strange…You can read…

The Counterfeit Traitor
(produced by Paramount Pictures, 1962).

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

You’re the captain…

The Swimmer
(produced by Columbia Pictures, 1968).

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

It isn’t enough…

Citizen Kane
(produced by RKO Pictures, 1941).

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

I’m mad as hell…

Network
(produced by MGM and United Artists, 1976).

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

You must be dead…

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
(produced by Amblin Entertainment, 1982).

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

There’s no place…

The Wizard of Oz
(produced by MGM, 1939).

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Yes, I can see…

City Lights
(produced by Charlie Chaplin Productions, 1931).

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

I keep dreaming…

TRON: Legacy
(produced by Walt Disney Pictures, LivePlanet, and Cameron Pace Group, 2010).

Additional quotations:

CHAPTER NINE

Theirs not to…

Alfred Tennyson,
The Charge of the Light Brigade
(Poems of Alfred Tennyson, J.E. Tilton and Company, 1870).

CHAPTER 14, PART TWO

We, when we sow seeds... The Magic Mountain,
Thomas Mann, S. Fischer Verlag, 1924.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Just when I thought…

The Godfather: Part III
(produced by American Zoetrope and Paramount Pictures, 1990).

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

They came first…

Based on words attributed to Martin Niemoller (1892-1984), a German Pastor, post-WW2.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Do not stand by…

Poem attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye, reportedly written in 1932.

About the Author

Alicia Hendley is
the mother of four, as well as a writer. Her first novel
A Subtle Thing
was published by Five Rivers in 2010. Her poem
Mediation
was published in
Room
magazine (Issue 34.3). She was long-listed for the Vanderbilt-Exile Short Fiction Award in both 2010 and 2011. Her creative nonfiction piece
Passed Over
was published in the April issue of
Hippocampus Magazine.
Her screenplay
Snake Oil
was short-listed for the Gotham Screen International Film Festival’s screenplay contest.