Tzili (2 page)

She turned right, into the open fields. The sky suddenly grew taller, and she was small next to the standing corn. For a long time she walked without turning her head. Afterward she stopped and listened to the rustle of the leaves. A light breeze blew and the cool darkness assuaged her thirst a little.

On either side stretched crowded cornfields, one plot next to the other, with here and there a fence. Once or twice she stumbled and fell but she immediately rose to her feet again. In the end she hitched her dress up and tucked it into her belt, and this immediately liberated her legs. From now on she walked easily.

For some reason she began to run. A memory invaded her and frightened her. The memory was so dim that after she ran a little way it disappeared. She resumed her previous pace.

Her oldest sister, who was preparing for examinations, was the worst of them all. When she was swotting, she would chase Tzili away without even lifting her head from her books. Tzili loved her sister and the harsh words hurt her. Once her sister had said: “Get out of my sight. I never want to see you again. You make me nervous.” Strange: these words rather than any others
were the ones that seemed to carve themselves out of the darkness.

The darkness seeped slowly away. A few pale stripes appeared in the sky and turned a deeper pink. Tzili bent over to rub her feet and sat down. Unthinkingly she sank her teeth into a cornstalk. A stream of cool liquid washed her throat.

The light broke above her and poured onto her head. A few solitary animal cries drifted through the valley and a loud chorus of barks immediately rose to join them. She sat and listened. The distant sounds cradled her. Without thinking she fell asleep.

The sun warmed her body and she slept for many hours. When she woke she was bathed in sweat. She picked up her dress and shook off the grains of sand sticking to her skin. The sun caressed her limbs and for the first time she felt the sweet pain of being alone.

And while everything was still quiet and wrapped in shadows a shot pierced the air, followed by a sharp, interrupted scream. She bent down and covered her face. For a long time she did not lift her head. Now it seemed to her that something had happened to her body, in the region of the chest, but it was only a vague, hollow numbness after a day without eating.

The sun sank and Tzili saw her father lying on his bed. The last days at home, the rumors and the panic. Books and copybooks. No one showed any consideration for the feelings of his fellows. The examinations,
which were to take place shortly in the distant town, threatened them all, especially her oldest sister. She tore out her hair in despair. Their mother too, in the shop, between one customer and the next, appeared to be repeating dates and formulas to herself. The truth was that she was angry. Only the sick father lay calmly in his bed. As if he had succeeded in steering the household onto the right course. He seemed to have forgotten his illness, perhaps even the dull presence of his youngest daughter. What he had failed to accomplish in his own life his children would accomplish for him: they would study. They would bring diplomas home.

And with these sights before her eyes she fell asleep.

W
HEN SHE WOKE
, her memory was empty and weightless. She rose and left the cornfield and made for the outskirts of the forest. As if to spite her, another picture rose before her eyes, it too from the last days at home. Her youngest brother was adamant: he had to have a bicycle—all his friends, even the poorest, had bicycles. All his mother’s pleas were in vain. She had no money. And what she had was not enough. Their father needed medicines. Tzili’s seventeen-year-old brother shouted so loudly in the shop that strangers came in to quiet him. The mother wept with rage. And the older sister, who did not leave her books for a moment, shrieked: because of her family she would fail her exams. Tzili now remembered with great clarity her sister’s white hand waving despairingly, as if she were drowning.

The day passed slowly, and visions of food no longer troubled her. She saw what was before her eyes: a
thin forest and the golden calm of summer. All she had endured in the past days lost its terror. She was borne forward unthinkingly on a stream of light. Even when she washed her face in the river she felt no strangeness. As if it had always been her habit to do so.

And while she was standing there a rustle went through the field. At first she thought it was the rustle of the leaves, but she immediately realized her mistake: her nose picked up the scent of a man. Before she had time to recover she saw, right next to her, a man sitting on a little hillock.

“Who’s there?” said the man, without raising his voice.

“Me,” said Tzili, her usual reply to this question.

“Who do you belong to?” he asked, in the village way.

When she did not answer right away, the man raised his head and added: “What are you doing here?”

When she saw that the man was blind, she relaxed and said: “I came to see if the corn was ready for the harvesting.” She had often heard these words spoken in the shop. Since the same sentence, with slight variations, was repeated every season, it had become part of her memory.

“The corn came up nicely this year,” said the blind man, stroking his jacket. “Am I mistaken?”

“No father, you’re not mistaken.”

“How high is it?”

“As high as a man, or even higher.”

“The rains were plentiful,” said the blind man, and licked his lips.

His blind face went blank and he fell silent.

“What time is it?”

“Noon, father.”

He was wearing a coarse linen jacket and he was barefoot. He sat at his ease. The years of labor were evident in his sturdy shoulders. Now he was looking for a word to say, but the word evaded him. He licked his lips.

“You’re Maria’s daughter, aren’t you?” he said and chuckled.

“Yes,” said Tzili, lowering her voice.

“So we’re not strangers.”

Maria’s name was a household word throughout the district. She had many daughters, all bastards. Because they were all good-looking, like their mother, nobody harmed them. Young and old alike availed themselves of their favors. Even the Jews who came for the summer holidays. In Tzili’s house Maria’s name was never spoken directly.

A number of years before, Tzili’s older brother had gotten one of Maria’s daughters into trouble. Maria herself had appeared in the shop and created a scene. For days, the family had consulted in whispers, and in the end they had been obliged to hand over a tidy sum. The mother, worn out with work, had refused to forgive her
son. She found frequent occasions to refer to his crime. Tzili had not, of course, grasped the details of the affair, but she sensed that it was something dark and sordid, not to be spoken of directly. Later on, their mother forgave her brother, because he began to study and also to excel.

“Sit down,” said the blind man. “What’s your hurry?”

She approached and seated herself wordlessly by his side. She was used to the blind. They would congregate outside the shop and sit there for hours at a time. Every now and then her mother would emerge and offer them a loaf of bread, and they would munch it noisily. Mostly they would sit in silence, but sometimes they would grow irritable and begin to quarrel. Her father would go out to restore order. Tzili would sit and watch them for hours. Their mute, upraised faces reminded her of people praying.

The blind man seemed to rouse himself. He groped for his satchel, took out a pear and said: “Here, take it.”

Tzili took it and immediately sank her teeth into the fruit.

“I have some smoked meat too—will you have some?”

“I will.”

He held the thick sandwich out in his big hand. Tzili looked at the big pale hand and took the sandwich. “Maria’s daughters are all good-looking girls,” he said
and snickered. Now that he had straightened the upper half of his body he looked very strong. Even his white hands. “I don’t like eating alone. Eating alone depresses me,” he confessed. He chewed calmly and carefully, as blind men will, as if they were suspicious even of the food they put in their mouths.

As he ate he said: “They’re killing the Jews. The pests. Let them go to America.” But he didn’t seem particularly concerned. He was more concerned with the coming harvest.

“Why are you so silent?” he said suddenly.

“What’s there to say?”

“Maria’s daughters are a cunning lot.”

Tzili did not yet know that the notorious name of Maria would be her shield from danger. All her senses were concentrated on the thick sandwich the blind man had given her.

Once Maria had been a customer at the shop. She was a handsome, well-dressed woman and she used city words. They said that Maria had a soft spot for Jews, which did not add to her reputation. Her daughters too had inherited this fondness. And when the Jewish vacationers appeared, Maria would have a taste of what it meant to be indulged.

Tzili now remembered nothing but the heavy scent Maria left behind her in the shop. She liked breathing in this scent.

The blind man said casually: “Maria’s daughters love
the Jews, may God forgive them.” And he snickered to himself again. Then he sat there quietly, as if he were a cow chewing the cud.

Now there was no sound but for the birds and the rustling of the leaves, and they too seemed muted. The blind man abandoned his full face to the sun and seemed about to fall asleep.

Suddenly he asked: “Is there anyone in the field?”

“No.”

“And where did you come from?” The full face smiled.

“From the village square.”

“And there’s no one in the field?” he asked again, as if he wanted to hear the sound of his own voice.

“No one.”

Upon hearing Tzili’s reply he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. Tzili’s shoulder slumped under the weight of his hand.

“Why are you so skinny?” said the blind man, apparently encountering her narrow shoulder bones. “How old are you?”

“Thirteen.”

“And so skinny.” He clutched her with his other hand, too, the one he had been leaning on.

Tzili’s body recoiled from the violence of the peasant’s embrace, and he threw her onto the ground with no more ado.

A scream escaped her lips.

The blind man, apparently taken aback by this reaction, hurried to stop her mouth but his hand missed its aim and fell onto her neck. Her body writhed under the blind man’s heavy hands.

“Quiet! What’s the matter with you?” He tried to quiet her as if she were a restless animal. Tzili choked. She tried to wriggle out from under the weight.

“What has your mother been feeding you to make you choke like that?”

The blind man loosened his grip, apparently under the impression that Tzili was too stunned to move. With a swift, agile movement she slipped out of his hands.

“Where are you?” he said, spreading out his hands.

Tzili retreated on her hands and knees.

“Where are you?” He groped on the ground. And when there was no reply, he started waving his hands in the air and cursing. His voice, which had sounded soft a moment before, grew hoarse and angry.

For some reason Tzili did not run away. She crawled on all fours to the field. Evening fell and she curled up. The blind man’s strong hands were still imprinted on her shoulders, but the pain faded as the darkness deepened.

Later the blind man’s son came to take him home. As soon as he heard his son approaching, the blind man began to curse. The son said that one of the shafts had
broken on the way and he had had to go back to the village to get another cart. The father was not convinced by this story and he said: “Why couldn’t you walk?”

“Sorry, father, I didn’t think of it. I didn’t have the sense.”

“But for the girls you’ve got sense enough.”

“What girls, father?” said the son innocently.

“God damn your soul,” said the blind man and spat.

B
Y NOW TZILI’S
memories of home were blurred. They’ve all gone, she said blankly to herself. The little food she ate appeased her hunger. She was tired. A kind of hollowness, without even the shadow of a thought, plunged her into a deep sleep.

But her body had no rest that night. It seethed. Painful sensations woke her from time to time. What’s happening to me? she asked herself, not without resentment. She feared her body, as if something alien had taken possession of it.

When she woke and rose to her feet it was still night. She felt her feet, and when she found nothing wrong with them she was reassured. She sat and listened attentively to her body. It was a cloudless and windless night. Above the bowed tops of the corn a dull flame gleamed. From below, the stalks looked like tall trees. She was astonished by the stillness.

And while she stood there listening she felt a liquid oozing from her body. She felt her belly, it was tight but dry. Her muscles throbbed rhythmically. “What’s happening to me?” she said.

When dawn broke she saw that her dress was stained with a number of bright spots of blood. She lifted up her dress. There were a couple of spots on the ground too. “I’m going to die.” The words escaped her lips.

A number of years before, her oldest sister had cut her finger on a kitchen knife. And by the time the male nurse came, the floor was covered with dark blood stains. When he finally arrived, he clapped his hands to his head in horror. And ever since they had spoken about Blanca’s weak, wounded finger in solicitous tones.

“I’m going to die,” she said, and all at once she rose to her feet. The sudden movement alarmed her even more. A chill ran down her spine and she shivered. The thought that soon she would be lying dead became more concrete to her than her own feet. She began to whimper like an animal. She knew that she must not scream, but fear made her reckless. “Mother, mother!” she wailed. She went on screaming for a long time. Her voice grew weaker and weaker and she fell to the ground with her arms spread out, as she imagined her body would lie in death.

When she had composed herself a little, she saw her sister sitting at the table. In the last year she had tortured herself with algebra. They had to bring a tutor from the
neighboring town. The tutor turned out to be a harsh, strict man and Blanca was terrified of him. She wept, but no one paid any attention to her tears. The father too, from his sick bed, demanded the impossible of her. And she did it too. Although she did not complete the paper and obtained a low mark, she did not fail. Now Tzili saw her sister as she had never seen her before, struggling with both hands against the Angel of Death.