Unbecoming (23 page)

‘I’m sorry, Mary,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s just that no one else knows you’re amazing. Only I know. And I don’t want to lose you. Good things happen when you’re around.’

Mum came scurrying closer. ‘What’s going on?’

Mary scrabbled at her. ‘How can I leave without saying goodbye? Why would you make me?’

Katie watched something dark flicker across her mother’s face. ‘I’m not making you do anything,’ she said. ‘We’re just having a look around the care home to see if you like it.’

‘But I’m helping. Steve wrote to me and I’m helping. I don’t want to go.’

Mum shot Katie the weirdest look in the world – furtive and searching – as if she was checking:
You’re not getting this, are you?

Katie kept her face utterly deadpan, pretending she wasn’t even listening. But Mary knew Dad’s name. Mary said Dad had written to her. Was that just a mad coincidence?

Tears spilled from Mary’s eyes. Katie took her hand again and stroked it with her thumb, over and over. She felt as if she would rasp down to the bone. But she wanted to make up for what she had done, wanted Mary to know she was loved, that Katie would take care of her, that no one was going to rip this family apart again.

Mum took off her glasses and rubbed at her eyes as if she had grit in them. ‘We should go.’ She turned to Eileen. ‘Do you have any literature? An application form we can take away? Perhaps a price list?’

Eileen nodded. ‘Reception has those. We’ll get them on the way out.’ She leaned across and rubbed Mary’s sleeve. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get to see our lovely garden. Maybe another time, eh?’

Jamie appeared from the side street and surprised her. He was breathless as if he’d been running. Katie found it difficult to meet his eyes.

‘I was trying to get here first,’ he said.

‘Sorry, I was early.’

‘I didn’t want you buying the tickets.’

‘I haven’t.’

He grinned. ‘Is that because you thought I wouldn’t turn up?’

That hadn’t even crossed her mind, but the idea seemed to make him happy, so she nodded. He’d texted her three times that day already, so she’d known he was going to show. She hadn’t bought the tickets because she was worried about leaving Chris in charge of Mary. He hadn’t seemed to mind and he swore on his life he wouldn’t tell Mum, but she’d have to turn her phone off inside the cinema, and even if she left it on vibrate she wouldn’t be able to answer if he rang.

‘Listen,’ she said. ‘Are you sure about the movie? It doesn’t sound much like a boy’s film to me.’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘No car chases, no guns … ?’

‘It’s fine.’ He opened the door for her. ‘Also, it’s buy one, get one free, which makes you an incredibly cheap date.’

She laughed, even though she didn’t mean to. ‘You know it’s in French and it’s got subtitles?’

‘
Absolument
!
’ His gaze was clear and kind as he smiled down at her. ‘You will let me know if I’m trying too hard here, won’t you?’

She’d forgotten he was funny. Why did she keep forgetting that? ‘Let’s go halves at least.’

He shook his head. ‘You pay next time.’

Next time? There was going to be a next time? Well, that was good, because today she was going to let him kiss her again. They hadn’t even held hands on the walk round the park or the time they went for a coffee, but if Katie was going to move forward and stop thinking about Simona and stop being freaked out every time she texted: U HVNT CALLED (five times now), then kissing Jamie happened next. At the party she’d been drunk, but today she was totally sober and there was going to be proper, full-throated snogging.

Jamie went over to the ticket machine in the corner and pulled up the menu. He looked very confident doing it. Perhaps he’d done it before for other girls on other dates. She was surprised to feel a stab of envy.

She stood by the wall and pretended to be interested in the movie posters. She picked up a leaflet and skimmed through it, but couldn’t concentrate, so folded it and put it in her pocket. She went to the window and looked at the world out there. The pavement was busy with people. Grey cloud hung low in the sky. It wouldn’t rain though – it hadn’t rained properly for ages. Every day it looked as if it would, and it never did. Tomorrow would be hot and muggy again. And the next day.

As Jamie walked back with the tickets, Katie almost believed in God because Jamie was carrying a big tub of popcorn and two
Cokes and it made her want to cry with just how lovely it was to have this level of kindness thrust upon her.

If they carried on dating, she’d be able to say the words
my boyfriend
in sentences.
I went with my boyfriend to the cinema and he paid for everything. My boyfriend is very generous
. Esme would stop thinking she was weird and invite her to hang out. She’d be included when the girls did each other’s makeup or braided each other’s hair, and when they walked round school together with their arms linked or did work in the library with their heads touching. Katie would at last be able to take a shower after PE without feeling shame.

They sat in the middle of an almost empty cinema. Katie switched her phone off and shoved it in her pocket. Sod it. What was the worst thing that could happen? Chris was fourteen and definitely sensible enough to manage Mary for a while. Jamie switched his phone off too. It was like they were agreeing to be on a desert island together, even if it was only for an hour and a half. He pulled out a glasses case and made an apologetic face as he showed her the frames.

‘They’re only for screens and driving,’ he whispered.

She didn’t know he could drive. She barely knew anything about him, in fact. ‘They suit you.’

How easy he was to please. If you said nice things, he grinned as if he’d won a prize. She smiled back at him and tried to think of other compliments to make him happy, but the lights went up briefly and then dimmed.

‘Here we go,’ he said.

There were trailers for forthcoming movies, for snacks and local businesses and other things coming on at the arts centre. In the dark, Jamie’s knee pressed against her leg. She wondered if he knew this.

‘Aren’t you hot?’ Katie whispered, because she couldn’t think of anything else to say and she wanted to let him know about his knee.

‘Hot?’ Jamie said and he shone his teasing smile at her. ‘Do I look hot?’

He meant something else by it. He was more confident today than he’d been the other times, which meant he was doing the leg thing on purpose.

‘It’s boiling in here,’ she said, ‘and you’ve still got your hoodie on.’

‘Better take it off then.’ He shrugged it off and laid it on the chair next to him. She wondered if he’d do anything she suggested.

Mary said that in any relationship one person does the chasing and the other does the running away. ‘With Jack,’ she said, ‘I let him chase me until I caught him.’ It had made them all laugh, even Mum, but then Mary had gone on to say that she thought she must have a secret powerful magnet hidden inside her because even when she was with Jack, men were drawn towards her.

‘Because you led them on,’ Mum snapped. ‘Take some responsibility for once.’

Maybe she was thinking about Dad and the night she’d discovered he had a girlfriend. ‘You’re ten years older than her!’ she’d yelled. ‘You’re making a fool of yourself.’ He’d raised both hands as well as his eyebrows, as if to say, ‘What can I do?’ as his girlfriend’s secret magnet dragged him out the door.

Katie had a grandmother who was a man-eater and a father who was a lothario. What chance did she have of being decent and honest and kind? She’d kissed two girls and one boy in the space of a few weeks, so these things were clearly genetic. And that must be why she was leading Jamie on right now. Because he was
pressing his knee against her leg again and she wasn’t stopping him.

On the screen, a man set up a camera. He was going to interview everyone who knew his wife. She’d died several weeks previously and he was convinced she’d been having an affair. His friends simply thought he was missing her as they sat one by one in a chair and spoke at great length while he filmed them. After a while, Katie stopped reading the subtitles and let the foreign words wash over her because the whole length of Jamie’s leg was pressing against the whole length of hers.

Surely the fact that Jamie seemed to like her so much was a start? There were girls all over the world in much worse positions. There was that girl at her old school, Adina, who didn’t come back after the summer holidays and everyone said she’d been sent abroad to marry her uncle. And there were young women Katie had heard about on the radio who came over to this country with their boyfriends and were then totally betrayed and sold as house slaves while their ‘boyfriends’ pocketed a fee.

Jamie was kind and funny and intelligent and not bad-looking and surely she’d grow to like him? His hand slid from his lap to the side of her thigh and his little finger began to stroke the seam of her jeans.

The film cut to footage the man had taken when his wife was alive. Here she was looking out of a window. Here she was reading a newspaper. Here she was sleeping.

Jamie leaned in. ‘Did you say there was a car chase?’

‘Yeah,’ Katie whispered back. ‘Right after the gun fight.’

He laughed. His breath was warm against her neck.

The woman on the screen was dancing now. She had a cigarette in her hand and she blew a kiss to the camera with such confidence that for an instant she looked like Mary. Katie smiled, and maybe
Jamie saw and thought it was encouragement because he picked up her hand and threaded his fingers with hers and laid both their hands back on her thigh.

A boy’s hand in hers! A boy’s hand in the dark. His hand was warm and the lacing of their fingers together was so intimate it shocked her.

The film droned on, but none of it mattered. She could feel Jamie’s pulse in her palm and it felt much more meaningful than kissing him at the party.

‘I really like you,’ he said.

She didn’t say anything. She sat there like an idiot with her heart going nuts and she’d bet any money he was looking all serious and vulnerable and if she did turn towards him or say anything, he was going to kiss her and she wanted to please him, but …

Should she tell him?
Before I met you, I kissed a girl. Since I met you I’ve kissed another one. I may not be the person you think I am
.

The trouble was, there was something so lovely about his attention that she didn’t feel quite ready to give it up yet.

‘You have such amazing hair,’ Jamie said, his voice gentle. He leaned closer and kissed her lightly on the side of her head. ‘Your eyes are amazing too.’

He was interested in her in ways that no boy had ever been before, and Katie felt moved by him and sorry for him. She ached with it. It reminded her of seeing really old people scrabble for money in their purses.

‘I really like you,’ Jamie said. He laughed softly. ‘Did I already say that?’

‘I like you too,’ she said, because she did, and also because it would make him happy and what else are you supposed to do with so much feeling?

It was nice kissing him again. His skin was soft and his lips were soft too and he was gentle, his kisses like small enquiries. He ran his tongue along the edge of her top lip and when she did it back, he did it again. He ran his tongue along her bottom lip. She dared to touch the tip of his tongue with hers. It was like a conversation – each gesture a new sentence. It was complicated, but interesting.

It was nice stopping kissing him too. She particularly liked his arm round her. She felt gathered, like wool being wound in, as he pulled her close and she leaned her head on his shoulder and they went back to watching the movie.

It was weird coming out of the arts centre into bright daylight. The sky had cleared of cloud and the street was busy. There were tons of little kids being dragged about now there was no school to go to.

‘We could go for a drink if you like,’ Jamie suggested. ‘What time do you have to be back?’

She turned her phone on but there were no messages. ‘OK, let’s get a coffee somewhere.’

‘You fancy a pub instead?’

‘Will we get served?’

‘I’ve got ID. And you’re so sophisticated, no one will ask you.’

Sophisticated? No one had ever called her that before. ‘Do you know a nice one?’

He looked about as if a pub would suddenly appear before their eyes. ‘The one on Sidmore Street has a beer garden. You fancy that?’

He didn’t try to take her hand again as they walked, but he softly bumped against her twice and she knew he was doing it on purpose. He dared to link arms as they crossed the road. It was old-fashioned and she didn’t mind it. When they got to the pub they found a table easily and he asked what she wanted and she
told him a rum and Coke because she wanted to keep being sophisticated.

‘Crisps?’ Jamie said.

‘No, I’m fine. But let me pay.’

She handed over ten pounds, and although he hesitated he took it.

What was astonishing was that when he went off to the bar, she missed him. She actually felt shy sitting amongst the other people in the beer garden – friendless again, alone. She looked at her phone to give her something to do, but there were no messages. Strange to be this free suddenly.

She texted Chris: OK? She considered texting Esme: ON THRD DATE, but that would look strange and desperate, so she didn’t.

She got out the cinema leaflet and flicked through it. She’d choose a movie and invite Jamie out again. It would be her treat. Jamie had done all the work for this date – all the texting and arranging, all the hand holding and daring to touch. On the walk round the park he’d also asked most of the questions, done most of the listening and said most of the lovely things. She’d soaked it all up like some kind of parasitic sponge and spent most of the time wondering if she even fancied him, so it was only fair that she treated him.

But there, right in the middle of the brochure was an advert for next week’s French film. In the photo, two girls stood in such proximity that the only outcome was a kiss. The girl on the left had her eyes wide, her mouth slightly open in anticipation as she leaned down. The girl on the right had her eyes almost shut, but her lips were also parted as she craned her neck up. She had blue hair. It was a three-hour film based on a graphic novel, following a blossoming love affair between two young women.
Warning: contains explicit sexual content
.

And that’s when Jamie came back with a drink in each hand and a packet of crisps swinging from his mouth. And that’s when she slapped the brochure shut like it was porn.

And maybe the universe punishes people for doing one thing and thinking another, because that’s also when her phone rang. It was Mum. She was furious. She’d come back to the flat and found the door unlocked and nobody in.

‘What’s going on, Katie? Where the hell is everyone?’