Read Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (62 page)
CLASS WARFARE
According to historian James McPherson, West Point, the U.S. military academy on the banks of the Hudson River, produced “a band of brothers more tightly bonded than biological brothers.” West Point graduates led troops in all 60 major battles of the Civil War. The only problem: In 55 of those battles, West Pointers faced each other across enemy lines. Stonewall Jackson (class of 1846) gained his nickname trouncing Irvin McDowell (class of ’38) at Bull Run. George McClellan (class of ’46) beat his old roommate A.P. Hill (class of ’47) at Antietam—the two had once wooed the same girl. (McClellan won her, too.) After the war, Morris Schaff (class of ’62) wrote, “West Point friendships did more at the close of the war than any other agency to heal the scars,” starting with Robert E. Lee (class of ‘29), who surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant (class of ’43) at Appomatox Court House.
What inspired John Van Wormer to invent the milk carton in 1915? He dropped a milk bottle.
It’s an American institution—the diner that gave us “Moons Over My Hammy” and all-night road food (sometimes with a side of fistfight). Here’s the story of the man behind Denny’s...and his legacy
.
C
OMFORT FOOD
Harold Butler’s impact on the food business is huge. He did the same thing for the sit-down restaurant industry that Ray Kroc of McDonald’s did for the fast food industry: Butler made it so you could go to a Denny’s in, say, Florida and expect the exact same menu and service you’d receive at a Denny’s in Oregon, or even Tokyo. Before the 1960s, that kind of consistency—at least when it came to dining out—was unheard of. But he didn’t set out to change the way people eat. Not at first, anyway.
DOLLARS TO DONUTS
From an early age, Butler was known for his uncanny business sense. His first venture as a teenager in upstate New York in the 1930s: He sold maggots to fishermen for bait. Not long after, he started selling rejected buttons from his father’s button company to tailors. He soon made enough to buy a boat, and started making loads more money taking tourists on boat rides. With those profits, Butler purchased a small shop in Rochester where he sold scrap wood. With the money he made from that venture, which was a lot, he bought a donut-making machine. By the time Butler was 21 years old, he’d already made his first million dollars.
However, along with that business sense came a penchant for taking
big
risks, and Butler soon lost it all in the stock market. Broke and embarrassed, about all he had left was his donut machine. He borrowed $2,000 from his uncle, loaded the machine in his car, and left snowy New York for sunny southern California.
MAKE ROOM FOR DANNY
Butler landed in Lakewood, just south of Los Angeles, in 1953, where he opened a small corner shop he called Danny’s Donuts. Why not “Harold’s” or “Butler’s”? They didn’t sound wholesome to
him. TV’s Danny Thomas, the epitome of wholesome, was hugely popular, and “Danny’s Donuts” had a nice ring to it.
First film to use stop-motion:
The Humpty Dumpty Circus
(1898).
Butler quickly made a name for himself with his jam-filled donuts and good coffee, which was so well received that a year later he changed the name to Danny’s Coffee Shop. Business kept growing, and a year later he opened a second eatery, this one with breakfast and burgers added to the menu. That sparked a new name: Danny’s Restaurant. The two spots became popular hang-outs in California in the 1950s, so Butler kept expanding. “After we opened our fifth restaurant,” he later recalled, “I looked at all the traveling going on and said to myself, ‘My God, this is the future.’” Butler’s goal: to put a Danny’s at nearly every freeway exit in the country. And each one had to be exactly like every other one.
By 1959 Butler owned 20 Danny’s Restaurants when he was sued by a rival chain called Coffee Dan’s for trademark infringement. Rather than fight to keep the name and risk brand confusion, Butler simply changed “Danny’s” to “Denny’s.”
A BAD GAMBLE
Denny’s began franchising in 1963 and went public three years later. By 1971 there were 800 restaurants, and with Butler serving as chairman, his future with the company looked bright. But once again, his penchant for risk-taking got him into trouble: He tried to buy Caesars Palace in Las Vegas to create a Denny’s-themed casino. After he made an offer to the owners in private that was better than the offer he’d made in public, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission launched a fraud investigation. The deal fell through and the board of directors forced Butler out. Just like that, his tenure with Denny’s had come to an end.
ORDER UP
Butler never stopped running restaurant chains—Hershel’s Delis, JoJo’s, and Naugles, to name a few. But none of them ever became as popular as Denny’s or its signature item, the Grand Slam Breakfast, introduced in 1977. Now owned by South Carolina-based Advantica Restaurant Group, there are 1,600 Denny’s worldwide.
Butler died in 1997 in the Mexican town of La Paz in Baja California where, of course, he owned a restaurant. As he always said, “I just love to feed people.”
Big Brother: The nation of Brazil takes up 47.8% of South America.
Dictators give themselves long, flowery titles describing their amazing greatness. (All hail Uncle John, Lord of Porcelain and Grand Master of Flushery!)
D
ictator:
Jean-Bédel Bokassa
Position:
President of the Central African Republic (1966–76), Emperor of Central Africa (1976–79)
Official Title:
“His Imperial Majesty, Bokassa the First, Emperor of Central Africa by the will of the Central African people, united within the national political party, the Movement for the Social Evolution of Black Africa”
Dictator:
Enver Hoxha
Position:
Secretary of the Albanian Labour Party (1941–85)
Official Title:
“Comrade-Chairman-Prime Minister-Foreign Minister-Minister of War and Commander-in-Chief of the People’s Army”
Dictator:
Idi Amin
Position:
President of Uganda (1971–79)
Official Title:
“His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular and the Most Ubiquitous of all King of Scotland dictators”
Dictator:
Francisco Macias Nguema
Position:
President of Equatorial Guinea (1968–79)
Official Title:
“Unique Miracle, Grand Master of Education, Science, and Culture”
Dictator:
Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo
Position:
President of Equatorial Guinea (1979–present)
East African leopards’ spots are in a circular pattern. South African leopards: square pattern.
Official Title:
“Gentleman of the Great Island of Bioko, Annobón and Río Muni”
Dictator:
Joseph-Désiré Mobutu
Position:
President of Zaire (1965–97)
Official title:
“Mobutu Sese Seko,” which means, “The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, will go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake.”
Dictator:
Yahya Jammeh
Position:
President of Gambia (1994–present)
Official Title:
“His Excellency the President Sheikh Professor al-Haji Doctor Yahya Abdul-Azziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh Naasiru Deen”
Dictator:
Muammar al-Gaddafi
Position:
President of Libya (1969–2011)
Official Title:
“Brother Leader, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya”
Dictator:
Kim Jong-Il
Position:
Supreme Leader of North Korea (1994–present)
Official Titles:
North Korea’s state-controlled media are (big surprise) extremely gracious toward Kim. They most commonly refer to him to as “Great Leader,” but other titles seen in print include:
• “Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have”
• “Sun of the Communist Future”
• “Shining Star of Paektu Mountain”
• “Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification”
• “Invincible and Iron-Willed Commander”
• “Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven”
• “Guiding Star of the 21st Century”
• “Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love”
How much did you buy? Last year, Americans spent more than $300 million on lip color.
These are all real words. Your mission: Guess which is the real definition. The answers are on
page 542
.
1.
FERRULE
a)
the edible casing into which ground sausage is stuffed
b)
the metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place
c)
the uppermost window in a church steeple
d)
a black spot on a dog’s tongue
2.
PURLICUE
a)
a fashionable bonnet worn by sows at agricultural fairs
b)
the special pocket on a soccer referee’s uniform where the red and yellow cards are kept
c)
the space between the extended forefinger and thumb
d)
a trick question that college professors add to exams to test students’ critical thinking skills
3.
ZARF
a)
the thick trail of hair some men have that extends from the top of the neck down to the upper back
b)
a holder, usually made of ornamental metal, for a coffee cup without a handle
c)
legal slang for a defendant who wishes to plead insanity believing that he or she is not insane—when in fact he or she is
d)
a barbed hunting spear used by some Australian aborigines
4.
ROWEL
a)
the spinning metal star on the back of a cowboy’s spur
b)
a beaded seat cover primarily used by cab drivers
c)
a political advertisement designed to create suspicion about the candidate’s opponent
d)
an aftershock of an aftershock of an earthquake
Andrew Jackson’s first official act as president: ordering spittoons for the White House.
5.
CHANKING
a)
the noises made by a locomotive coming to a stop
b)
the unsettling feeling of having done something embarrassing (like picking your nose) and then realizing that someone saw you
c)
food that is, by necessity, spat out, such as rinds, seeds, or pits
d)
a grammar term inspired by fictional detective Charlie Chan that refers to speaking without articles such as “a” and “the”
6.
WAMBLE
a)
a donkey’s gait
b)
a stomach’s rumble
c)
a bulldozer’s dashboard
d)
a talk-show host’s final thoughts
7.
LIRIPIPE
a)
a ceremonial American Indian hookah used to mark the passage of an elder into the next plane of existence
b)
the lever that a school bus driver uses to open the bus door
c)
a philosophical argument in which neither side can win because there is no way either side can prove their point
d)
the tassel on the hat that a graduate wears
8.
MACARISM
a)
the act of taking pleasure in someone else’s happiness
b)
a classical music piece arranged for bluegrass instruments
c)
a fungal infection that causes tiny lacerations to form inside the ear canal
d)
a humpback whale’s call, as it is heard from the deck of a ship
9.
SOCKDOLAGER
a)
the small tab at the end of the security sticker on a CD, DVD, or Blu-Ray case
b)
a real knockout blow, or an otherwise decisive answer
c)
the decorative tail at the end of a letterform that swoops back and underlines the entire word
d)
a cocktail made of gin, vermouth, and human tears
The tallest volcano on Mars is 17 miles high—that’s 84 times taller than the Eiffel Tower.
What they are, where they came from, and why you might (or might not) want to eat them
.
S
QUEAKY CHEESE
According to legend, cheese was discovered thousands of years ago by a Middle Eastern nomad who poured milk into his saddlebag, which was probably made from an animal’s stomach and contained traces of the coagulating enzyme
rennin
. The combination of the rennin and the desert heat curdled the milk into two parts: clotted solids and cloudy liquid. The solids, when separated from the liquid
whey
, are the cheese curds. At that point, they can be formed into blocks or balls and aged to make cheese, or eaten as-is. If they’re not pressed into blocks or balls, the air trapped inside the rubbery curds creates a distinctive “squeak” when bitten, so they’re sometimes marketed as “squeaky cheese.” In Wisconsin (the world’s top cheese curd manufacturer) and other parts of the Midwest, they’re often battered and deep-fried, and served as a snack or side dish. And in Canada they’re used in
poutine
: French fries topped with cheese curds and brown gravy.