Read Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (71 page)
THE WORLD’S BEST ETHNIC JOKE
This showed up in Uncle John’s inbox one day
.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant. “I’m sorry,” said the maître d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai.”
Nabisco’s 46-acre cookie plant in Chicago is the world’s largest. 1,500 people work there.
Other people who found fame—and infamy—online
.
I
nternet Star:
Caitlin Upton, 19, of Lexington, South Carolina
Better Known As:
The “Geography-Challenged Beauty Queen”
The Story:
In 2007 Upton was asked this question at the Miss Teen USA pageant: “Recent polls have shown that one-fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?” Tripped up by the question, Upton responded:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
She took fourth place in the pageant.
What Happened:
Upton’s answer chalked up 50 million views on YouTube. The aspiring model, whose career got a
big
boost after that (including a photo spread in
Maxim
), mocked her botched response in a Weezer music video and on
Jimmy Kimmel Live
. She also became a contestant on the reality show
The Amazing Race
(she placed third). She even got a chance for redemption on
The Today Show
, when host Matt Lauer asked her the question again. Her revised response: “Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. And if the statistics are correct, I believe that there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”
Internet Star:
Ted Williams, 53, a drifter from Columbus, Ohio
Better Known As:
The “Homeless Man With the Golden Voice”
The Story:
In January 2011, the
Columbus Dispatch
posted an online interview with Williams, who was panhandling on the side of a road with a sign advertising his vocal skills. The reporter
asked Williams to “work for your dollar,” and Williams replied in a very soothing radio voice, “When you’re listening to the best of oldies, you’re listening to Magic 98.9!” Seeing this disheveled homeless man speak with such amazing clarity and timbre turned the video into a viral hit (13 million views so far).
An island unto itself: The kneecap is not connected to any other bone.
What Happened:
Suddenly, Williams had more job offers than he could handle, but there was a reason he was homeless. Drug and alcohol abuse in the 1990s destroyed his family and led to prison time. Nevertheless, thanks to the video, he was receiving offers from Kraft Foods, MTV, and the Cleveland Cavaliers. He was “overwhelmed” to go from being homeless one day to a media sensation the next. Cameras were even there for the tearful reunion with his estranged mother.
But the attention took its toll. Williams started drinking again and, in a widely publicized episode, Dr. Phil convinced him to check into a rehab facility. But Williams left a few days later, claiming his treatment was too “scripted” (cameras followed him everywhere). He escaped the public eye and checked into a private facility in California. The Cavaliers and MTV rescinded their offers, but Williams did record a commercial for Kraft mac and cheese. He now has all the voice-work he wants...if he stays clean.
Internet Star:
Rebecca Black, 13, a pop singer from Anaheim Hills, California
Better Known As:
Star of the “Worst Video in the World”
The Story:
In 2010 Black’s parents paid a production company called ARK Music Factory $4,000 to produce a single and a video starring their daughter. ARK sent her two songs to consider, and she chose one called “Friday,” which dealt with waking up, eating cereal, going to school, and then going to a party. Sample lyrics: “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday / Today is Friday, Friday / We so excited / We gonna have a ball today / Tomorrow is Saturday / And Sunday comes afterwards.” Black posted the video on YouTube in early 2011, hoping to get a few hundred hits and lay the foundation for her future career as a pop singer. But then, on March 11, comedian Daniel Tosh posted it to his Twitter account, commenting: “Songwriting isn’t for everyone.” That night, Black saw her video go from 4,000 to 70,000 views. When she awoke the next day, it had reached 200,000.
Importing pork into Yemen is illegal. Maximum punishment: death.
What Happened:
To Black’s horror, “Friday” became popular for all the wrong reasons: People
hated
it. They hated her voice, the shallow lyrics, and the creepy rap interlude from a grown man following a school bus. In an interview on
Good Morning, America
, Black divulged the fact that she’d even received death threats. “I hope you cut yourself,” one commenter wrote. “I hope you get an eating disorder so you look pretty.”
In a little over two months, “Friday” reached 164 million views before Black pulled it from YouTube due to “copyright concerns.” (ARK wanted to start charging $2.99 per view.) Black says that despite all the insults, she plans on pursuing her dream as a singer. Her second video—“My Moment,” released that July—wasn’t nearly as horribly received.
Internet Star:
Paul “Bear” Vasquez, 47, a former trucker turned cage fighter turned organic farmer from Mariposa, California
Better Known As:
The “Double Rainbow” man
The Story:
In January 2010, Vasquez posted a YouTube video of a double rainbow that he saw from his front yard. His initial amazement turns to joy, then to tears of ecstasy. He then questions the nature of the universe: “What does it meeeeeeeeeeannnnnnn?”
What Happened:
For the first few months it was up, the video had only a few dozen hits...until someone sent the link to comedian Jimmy Kimmel. He loved it so much that he reposted it to his Twitter account. Within a few days, the Double Rainbow video went viral and has since amassed more than 30 million views. Dozens of interview requests came to Vasquez, and all of the reporters asked the same basic question: “Were you high?” His answer: No. (He did admit he was “a little high” in some of his other YouTube videos.) Like all Internet
memes
(what fads are called on the Web), the video prompted hundreds of parodies, including a mash-up of Vasquez with Kermit the Frog singing “Rainbow Connection.”
In addition to parodying his video for a Microsoft commercial, Vasquez used his newfound fame to advocate for organic farming. He also announced plans to open a spiritual retreat on his land for anyone willing to let nature “restore their sense of awe.” Vasquez said he isn’t the least bit surprised by his video’s enormous success: “I always knew someday I was going to go viral.”
A 0.08"-thick ostrich eggshell can withstand the weight of a 350-lb. bird sitting on it.
Sure, you can order a great Long Island Iced Tea at your local watering hole, but will the bartender garnish it with the still-beating heart of a cobra?
A
IRAG.
Fermented (alcoholic) horse milk. It’s tangy but slightly sweet, and it’s naturally carbonated. While it packs plenty of nutrients and vitamins, its alcohol content is a mere 2 percent. Genghis Khan was said to be a big fan of
airag
, and it’s still a very popular drink in Mongolia and throughout central Asia. If you’re ever in Mongolia and somebody offers you a bowl of airag, you must try at least a sip. To reject it outright is considered rude.
SNAKE BLOOD WINE.
It’s made by taking a live snake, typically a cobra, and slicing it open. The blood is then drained and mixed with rice wine or whiskey. (The snake’s bile is occasionally added as well.) Bottles can be purchased online, complete with a dead snake in the bottle, but according to the people of southeast Asia where it’s most popular, it’s best when served fresh—with the snake’s still-beating heart dropped in the glass as a garnish.
“THE END OF HISTORY.”
The Brewdog Brewery in Scotland came up with this oddity, reportedly the strongest beer ever created—it’s 55 percent alcohol, compared with the usual 5 to 7 percent of most other beers. Only 12 bottles were made; they sold out on the day they went on sale in 2010. “Bonus”: Each bottle was set inside a small taxidermied animal, with the bottle necks sticking out of the creatures’ mouths. Price: around $780 per bottle, but they varied somewhat, depending on whether the customer wanted a conventional weasel or a more elaborate “Squirrel in a Tuxedo.”
BAIJIU.
This drink, popular in China, may also be the world’s stinkiest. The name translates to “white liquor”—it’s distilled from grain, usually sorghum or glutinous rice—and it’s about 60 percent alcohol. It comes in a number of different varieties, from unflavored to flavor-infused types such as rose, medicinal herbs, and black tea. Regardless of what’s printed on the label, it smells like diesel fuel. It’s reportedly very good with pickled foods.
In 1888 Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world.
From our “Dustbin of History” files (even though it’s only from 1983), here’s the story of a little girl, a world leader, and nuclear war
.
T
HE LETTER
Like millions of American children during the Cold War, 10-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, was terrified of getting nuked by the Russians. News reports and TV specials about nuclear bombs, missile defense systems, and “mutually assured destruction” were commonplace, and Smith got more and more frightened about the possibility of war.
Frustrated and scared, Samantha asked her mother to write a letter to the president of the Soviet Union to find out “who was causing all the trouble.” Instead, her mother suggested that Samantha write the letter herself. So that’s what she did. In November 1982, Samantha wrote to General Secretary of the Communist Party Yuri Andropov, the head of the Soviet Union:
Dear Mr. Andropov,
My name is Samantha Smith. I am ten years old. Congratulations on your new job. I have been worrying about Russia and the United States getting into a nuclear war. Are you going to vote to have a war or not? If you aren’t please tell me how you are going to help to not have a war. This question you do not have to answer, but I would like to know why you want to conquer the world or at least our country. God made the world for us to live together in peace and not to fight.
Sincerely,
Samantha Smith
THE WAIT
For months, there was no response...until her letter was published in
Pravda
, the Soviet state newspaper, as a plea for international understanding. But that didn’t mean much to Samantha—she’d written the letter to Andropov himself, and she wanted a reply that answered her questions. So she wrote another letter, this time
to the Soviet embassy in Washington, D.C. In March 1983, the embassy telephoned Smith at her home and told her that a letter from Andropov was being fast-tracked to her.
Offical name of the CIA headquarters: the George Bush Center for Intelligence.
THE RESPONSE
A month later, the letter arrived. Along with alerting Smith, the ambassador, eager to create a positive press moment for the Soviets, had also tipped off the media and given them a copy of the letter. Reporters and photographers swarmed the Smiths’ house as the letter was delivered. Here are some excerpts:
Dear Samantha,
I received your letter, which is like many others that have reached me recently from your country and from other countries around the world.
You write that you are anxious about whether there will be a nuclear war between our two countries. And you ask are we doing anything so that war will not break out. Your question is the most important of those that every thinking man can pose. I will reply to you seriously and honestly. Yes, Samantha, we in the Soviet Union are trying to do everything so that there will not be war on Earth. And today we want very much to live in peace, to trade and cooperate with all our neighbors on this earth—with those far away and those near by. And certainly with such a great country as the United States of America.