Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers’ Institute

Uncle John’s

CURIOUSLY
COMPELLING
BATHROOM
READER

By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute

Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon

OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!


Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
has added a new dimension to my bathroom visits. Thank you.”


Mitchell A.

“I have never in my 71 years had a book that I carry with me at all times. Since I’ve had a copy of the
Bathroom Reader
, I don’t even watch a lot of TV!”


Robert T.

“I would just like to thank you for making me laugh. Since discovering your great series, I find myself visiting my bathroom more often. There is need of a new invention: Armrests in the toilet!”


Caroline Q.

“I think these books are the best in the world. I take them to school and show all my friends. Thank you for making my visits to the bathroom fun.”


Bobby R.

“You guys are the funniest I’ve ever read!”


Suzanne P.

“Just thought I’d let you know what a great job you’re doing. My whole family enjoys your books and our tradition has been to buy one, then two books at Christmastime for reading the next year. You’ve become so popular that we now have at least three new books in the bathroom, and it’s only June!”


Martha O.

“I absolutely love your books. But oddly, I’ve never read them in the bathroom. As soon as I get one, I have to read it cover to cover. Keep up the good work!”


Leanne P.

UNCLE JOHN’S
CURIOUSLY COMPELLING
BATHROOM READER
®

Copyright © 2006 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (
[email protected]
)
Special thank you to Gary Martin, M.O. (Master of Origami)
BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
®
by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-607-4

E-book edition: February 2012
Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!

THANK YOU!

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible
.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Thom Little
Brian Boone
Amy Miller
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Sharilyn Hovind
Jeff Altemus
Gideon Javna
Sydney Stanley
JoAnn Padgett
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Scarab Media
Jef Fretwell
Connie Vazquez
Kristine Hemp
Nancy Toeppler
Dan Schmitz
Kyle Coroneos
Sheila & Rad
Gary Martin
Claudia Bauer
Jennifer Thornton
Jennifer Payne
Melinda Allman
Laurel Graziano
Mana, Dylan & Chandra
Maggie Javna
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Rick Overton
Steven Style Group
Kristen Vanberg
John Burns
Shobha Grace
Matthew Furber
Jo Scheer
Eddie Deezen
Alan Nathanson
Keziah Veres
Michelle Sedgwick
Maggie McLaughlin
Raincoast Books
Chris Olsen
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper

*        *        *

“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”


Oscar Wilde

CONTENTS

Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short
—a quick read
Medium
—2 to 3 pages
Long
—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*
Extended
—for those leg-numbing experiences

PUBLIC LIVES

Short

Does Fiona Eat Apples?

Medium

Uh, Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Microphone Is On

Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part I

Diva of the Desert

Gentleman George

Long

Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part II

Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part III

BATHROOM LORE

Short

More Bathroom News

Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

Medium

Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

Bathroom News

Toilet Tech

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Short

Know Your Produce

We All Scream

What’s in Your…

Mmm…Candy

Medium

Food Origins

Spicy Stories

Peruvian Punch

Long

The Nutmeg Wars

*
The Über Tuber

A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

Short

A Few Dogs Short of a Kennel

Medium

Oops!

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Hello, 911?

Bad Press

Taking the Low Road

Vote For Me!

Ethically Disabled

LIFE IS STRANGE

Short

Animal Houses

Natural Gas Report

That’s Amore?

Revenge!

Modern Mysteries

It’s a Weird, Weird World

Rare Conditions

Medium

Too Risky for
Guinness

Just Plane Weird

Lottery Row

High Anxiety

Amazing Luck

I’ll Trade You a…

Ironic, Isn’t It?

It’s a Weird, Weird World

The Doctor Is Out (of His Mind)

Shockers!

POP SCIENCE

Short

Forgotten Firsts in Robot History

Let’s Do a Study!

Medium

Aaaah! Robots!

Q&A: Ask the Experts

Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z

Bamboo: One Incredible Plant

The Cure for What Ails Ye

How to Build an Atom Bomb

It’s Radioactive!

Death Defiers?

Why Your Mom Says, “Wash Your Hands!”

Q&A: Ask the Experts

Why You Get Motion Sickness

Long

Bathroomio Readerus

FORGOTTEN HISTORY

Medium

The Pilgrims, Pt. I: A Church Divided

What
Won’t
They Tax?

Upside-Down Pangborn

The Pilgrims, Pt. II: Exodus from England

The Reivers

The Pilgrims, Pt. III: Sailing to America

Long

Betty Freeman’s Day in Court

Bingham’s List

*
The Pilgrims, Pt. IV: The New World

WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

Short

Word Origins

Medium

Jargon.com

Familiar Phrases

Word Origins

Deliciously Familiar Phrases

LAW & ORDER

Short

State v. Big Hair

Medium

Strange Lawsuits

Dumb Crooks

Dumb Kops

The Black Panties Bandit Strikes Again

Creative Crooking

Strange Lawsuits

Legally Speaking

I’ve Got a Cunning Plan

Dumb Crooks

SPORTS & AMUSEMENT

Short

Pig Out

Medium

Life’s a Gamble

Long

Card Sharks, Part I

Roller Derby

Card Sharks, Part II

AMERICANA

Short

$pirit of ’76

Forever Mankind

Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Easy)

Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Medium)

Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Hard)

Medium

Beulah Land, Part I

State Nicknames

Beulah Land, Part II

Lincoln’s Duel

Long

Building the Wall

The Great Boston Fire

*
Vaudeville

THAT’S DEATH

Short

Died on the John

Death Customs

Exit, Stage Right

Medium

When You Gotta Go…

Reading Tombstones

The Two Graves of Mad Anthony Wayne

Long

Talk to the Sword

The Niagara Falls Mummy

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

Short

What World City…?

False Friends

Medium

Tha Fas Bouketo

Turkmenbashi

When in Rome…

Flag Trivia

The Culture Club

Rally ’Round the Flag

Long

The
Glomar Explorer

MOUTHING OFF

Short

Dumb Jocks

Famous Last Words

Feelin’ Lazy

Colbert’s Retorts

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