Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (12 page)

In the New World, the Iroquois, who had seen plenty of bears, called it
Okouari
, which means…bear. The Algonquin and Black-foot tribes called it “The Bear and the Hunters.” For them, the three stars in the handle of the Big Dipper were three hunters going after the bear.

• In a typical Native American story, a party of hunters set out on a bear hunt. The first hunter carried a bow and arrow. The second hunter brought along a pot or kettle to cook the bear in. The faint star Alcor, which you can just see above the middle star of the Dipper’s handle, was the pot. The third hunter carried a bundle of sticks with which to build a fire to cook the bear.

• The bear hunt lasted from spring until autumn. In the autumn, the first hunter shot the bear. Blood from the wounded animal stained the autumn leaves in the forest. The bear died, was cooked, and was eaten. The skeleton lay on its back in the den through the winter months. The bear’s life, meanwhile, had entered into another bear, which also lay on its back, deep asleep for the winter.

• When spring returned, the bear came out of the den and the hunters started to chase her again, and so it went from year to year.

THE GREEK SKY

Greek mythology offers another version of how the Bears got into the sky. Calisto, the beautiful daughter of the King of Arcadia, caught the eye of Zeus, the king of the gods. Zeus took her by surprise, leaving her to become the mother of his child. In time, Calisto gave birth to a son, whom she named Arcas. Hera, queen of the gods, changed Calisto into a bear in a jealous rage.

After a number of years had passed, Arcas was out hunting when he saw a bear. Not knowing the bear was his mother, Arcas raised his spear, ready to kill the animal. Before Arcas could throw his spear, Zeus quickly rescued Calisto by placing her in the skies—where she remains today. Arcas also became a constellation, Ursa Minor, next to his mother.

• Some say Zeus swung both bears around by their tails and flung them into the sky, which explains why their tails are so long.

• The Greeks called Ursa Major
Arktos
, which means “Bear.” This is where we get our word
Arctic.
The Greek poet, Homer, described the Bear as keeping watch from its Arctic den looking out for the hunter Orion. Homer also remarked that in his day, the Bear never sank into the ocean, which meant that it never set. Hera was responsible for this, having persuaded the ocean gods not to allow the two Bears to bathe in their waters.

HIPPOS AND PLOWS

But not everyone has thought of these constellations as bears. The Egyptians saw the seven stars of the Big Dipper as a bull’s thigh or a hippopotamus. Because its stars circled around the north pole of the sky without setting, or “dying,” below the horizon, this constellation was a symbol of immortality and figured in rebirth rituals at funerals. Ursa Minor was the Jackal of the god Set that participated in rites for the dead taking place in the Egyptian underworld.

In Mesopotamia, Scandinavia, Italy, and Germany, people referred to the Big Dipper as a wagon, chariot, or cart. In England it
was “Charles’ Wain” (the word
wain
meant “wagon” and Charles stood for Charles the Great). The Little Dipper was the “Smaller Chariot,” or “Little Wain.” The four stars that make up the bowl of the dipper are the carriage part of the wain, and the dipper’s handle is the part of the wain attached to the horses that pull it.

In some parts of England (and elsewhere), people saw the Big Dipper as “The Plough.” The four stars of the dipper’s bowl form the blade of the plough, behind which stretches its three-starred handle.

DIPPER DIRECTIONS

At the tip of the handle of the Little Dipper is the most celebrated star in the sky, Polaris, the North Star. While not the brightest star in the heavens, Polaris is certainly the most valuable. It has provided directions to countless travelers. The two stars at the end of the bowl of the Big Dipper, called “The Pointers,” point to the North Star.

The Greeks used the Greater Bear and the Phoenicians used the Lesser Bear to find north. American slaves called the Big Dipper “The Drinking Gourd” and followed it northward to freedom.

Seen from the spinning Earth, the sky appears to move during the night, carrying all the stars along with it. Only the North Star stands in the same spot at the hub of the dome of the sky. The Greeks called this star
Cynosure
, a word that has found its way into our language meaning the center of attraction or interest. Others called the North Star the “Lodestar,” most likely referring to the magnetic rock lodestone, used in mariners’ compass needles to find north.

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“It is easier to accept the message of the stars than the message of the salt desert. The stars speak of man’s insignificance in the long eternity of time. The desert speaks of his insignificance right now.”

—Edwin Way Teale

Here’s a script from a recently rediscovered radio show featuring Groucho and Chico Marx. It’s from
Five Star Theater,
which aired in
1933.

(Phone rings)

MISS DIMPLE:
Law offices of Beagle, Shyster, and Beagle … No, Mr. Beagle isn’t in yet, he’s in court…I expect him any minute ..

(Door opens)

MISS DIMPLE:
Good morning, Mr. Beagle.

GROUCHO:
Good morning. Have I any appointments today?

MISS DIMPLE:
No, Mr. Beagle,

GROUCHO:
Well, make some. Do you expect me to sit here alone all day? Don’t you think I ever get lonesome? What do you take me for? (Pause.) Well, go on—make me an offer.

(phone rings)

MISS DIMPLE:
Beagle, Shyster, and Beagle …Just a second. Mr. Flywheel, a man says he found the book you lost.

GROCHO:
(takes phone)
Hello…Yes, this is Flywheel…You found my book?…Oh, don’t bother bringing it over—you can read it to me over the phone. Start at
page 150
. That’s where I left off. …Hello! Hello! (
Sneers
) He hung up on me. After I go to the trouble of putting aside legal business to talk to him!

MISS DIMPLE:
Legal
business? Why Mr. Flywheel, you were doing a crossword puzzle.

GROUCHO:
Well, is doing a crossword puzzle
illegal
? Now how about mailing this letter?

MISS DIMPLE:
But it has no stamp on it.

GROUCHO:
Well, drop it in the box when nobody’s looking.

MISS DIMPLE:
Anyway, this letter is too heavy for one stamp. I think we’d better put two stamps on it.

GROUCHO:
Nonsense. That’ll only make it heavier. On second thought, never mind the letter. It’s just a note to my friend, Steve Granach, asking for a loan…but he’s probably got his own troubles. I hardly think he can spare it. And even if he
had
it, I think he’d be a little reluctant to lend me the dough. He’s kind of tight that way. Why, I don’t think he’d let me have it if I was going hungry. In fact, that guy wouldn’t give me nickel if I were
starving. And he calls himself a friend
. …the cheap, fourflushing swine. I’ll show
him
where to get off. Take a letter to that snake and tell him I wouldn’t touch his money. And if he ever comes near this office again, III break every bone in his body.

(knock on door)

MAN:
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Flywheel or Mr. Shyster?

GROUCHO:
I’m both Flywheels. And Shyster doesn’t belong to the firm.

MAN:
Then why is his name up there on the door?

GROUCHO:
Well, Shyster ran away with my wife. And I put his name on the door as a token of my gratitude.

MAN:
Oh. Well, Mr. Flywheel, permit me to introduce myself. I’m Bertram T. Bardwell. I suppose you’ve been hearing about my charity work and my fight against crime?

GROUCHO:
Oh yes, I’ve been hearing about it for a number of years, and I’m getting
pretty sick
of it, too.

MAN:
Why…er…I happened to be in court this morning when your thrilling address to the jury sent that man to prison for five years, where he belongs.

GROUCHO:
My speech sent him to prison? (Laughs) That’s a good one on the jury. I was defending that guy. As I was…

MAN:
Just a moment, Mr. Flywheel. Let me ask you a question.

GROUCHO:
No,
I’ll
ask
you
one. What has eight legs and sings?

MAN
: Why…er…1 don’t know.

GROUCHO:
A centipede.

MAN:
But a centipede has a hundred legs.

GROUCHO:
Yes, but it can’t sing.

MAN
(annoyed): Mr. Flywheel, my organization is waging an intensive fight against crime in this city, and I feel you’re a man who can help us drive the crooks out of town.

GROUCHO:
Drive them? Why not let them walk?
…(Dramatically)
Bardwell, you’ve come to the right man. There isn’t room enough in this town for gangsters and me…. However, we’re putting up a
big hotel
this spring. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a director’s meeting at the poolroom across the street.

MAN:
Mr. Flywheel! How can you go out to a poolroom?

GROUCHO:
I
have
to go out. I can’t play pool in
here
—there’s no table! Miss Dimple, I’ll be back in an hour.”
(Door closes)

Groucho will be back on
page 341
,

after a few words from our sponsor.

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“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

—Groucho Marx

Existential wisdom from Steven Wright.

“We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out.”

“I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“My grandfather invented Cliffs Notes. It all started back in 1912…Well, to make a long story short…”

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile, I was the suspect.”

“If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did the money
go
?”

“If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen.”

“I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.”

“Anywhere is walking distance if you’ve got the time.”

“Ever notice that irons have a setting for ‘Permanent Press’? I don’t get it…”

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

“I went fishing with a dotted line and caught every other fish.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“First time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.”

Recently, we stumbled on
Bizarre Books,
a collection of weird-but-true book titles, compiled by Russell Ash and Brian Lake. Hard to believe, but these titles were chosen and published in all seriousness. How would you like to spend
your
time reading…

How to Avoid Intercourse with Your Unfriendly Car Mechanic,
by Harold Landy (1977)

Sex After Death
, by B.J. Ferrll and Douglas Edward Frey (1983)

The Unconscious Significance of Hair,
by George Berg (1951)

Wall-Paintings by Snake Charmers in Tanganyika
, by Hans Cory (1953)

The Inheritance of Hairy Ear Rims
, by Reginald Ruggles and P.N. Badhuri (no date given)

A Toddler’s Quide to the Rubber Industry
, by D. Lowe (1947)

The Baron Kinvervankotsdor-sprakingatchdern
. A
New Musical Comedy,
by Miles Pewter Andrew (1781)