Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2
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Authors: John Michael Scalzi
UNCLE JOHN'S PRESENTS BOOK OF THE DUMB 2
Copyright © 2004 by Portable Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“
Uncle John's Presents
” is a trademark of Advanced Marketing Services, Inc.
Project Team
Amy Briggs, Editor
Allen Orso, Publisher
JoAnn Padgett, Director, Editorial and Production
Michael Brunsfeld, Cover Design
Kaelin Chappell, Interior Design
Susan Gerber, Composition and Layout
For information, write
Portable Press, 5880 Oberlin Drive, San Diego, CA 92121
e-mail:
[email protected]
ISBN 13: 978-1-60710-686-9
E-book edition: October 2012
05 06 07 08
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10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
This book is dedicated to Dora and Mike Blauser, my in-laws, because this is the only way either of them would ever show up in a book like this. Much love to the both of you.
The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe
Stupidity Is Alive and Well and Wearing Greek Letters
If Nothing Else, He Has a Degree in Chutzpah
How to Become the Most Hated Man in College Park
A Double-Entendre That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Sex
Not Exactly a “Smooth Criminal”
The Camera Has Stopped. Please Don't Act Anymore
A Step Down from “Clapton Is God,” to Be Sure
Fence Frustrates Sloshed Swede
Oh, It Was Hazardous Material, All Right
Those Weren't the Suds They Were Looking For
They're Always in the Last Place You Look
But You Can Get the Lithograph for Just $25K!
Does the Duffel Bag Cost Extra?
Someone Left the Rake out in the Rain
Cyprus? It's Near Crete. Really Near.
Are You There, Vishwakarma? It's Me, Yadav
Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth
Can't Blame Them for Taking It
And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way
GPS Also Stands for “Generally Pretty Stupid”
Insert “Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti” Joke Here
No Such Thing As a Free Fill-Up
A HUNK, A HUNK OF BURNIN' DUMB
Crispy Critters, Crispy Commerce
From the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Department
He'll Be the Butt of Jokes for Years
Someone Who Wouldn't Benefit From Tips for Stupid Criminals
A One Way Ticket to Stupidville, First Class
She Should Have Seen It Coming
What Would You Do for Vanilla Roast?
On the Road, Don't Look at These Curves
Vehicular Stupidity, Canadian Style
I Wasn't Speeding. The Earth Just Rotated Slower
A Short Cut, Or a Long Way Down?
She Can Park There for 17 Years
The Case of the Too Clever License Plate
Cette Panthére Est Trés Petite, Non?
Pssst . . . Dogs Don't Get Representational Art
And Then the Entire Town Imploded from the Weight of All the Puns
Please, Think of the St. Bernards
If You Give a Polar Bear a Cookie
Not Clear On the “Have to Win People's Votes” Thing
Well, Then, Stop Printing Them with Flavored Ink
What If You Gave a Party and Nobody Came, Dude?
She Flipped the Bird, He Flipped the Cuffs
When You're Sniffing This Stuff, It's Time for Rehab
Another Meaning for Getting High
SEX AND OTHER NAKED ACTIVITIES
From the “Probably Too Dumb to Be True” File
Like Romeo and Juliet, with Ductwork
STUPIDITY IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD
Some Things You Just Can't Give Away
No Water for Me? Then No Tip for You
It's Never Too Early to Develop Soul-Crushing Debt
An Important Tip For Funeral Directors
He Must Really Love His Staplers
A Refreshing Moment of Honest, Corporate Greed
Malpractice or Monkey Business?
You Must Be This Thin to Get Your Fish and Chips
THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF STUPIDITY
Nothing Technical About This Knockout
When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go
Beer! Hockey Fans! What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something