Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (29 page)

The Smurfs cartoon show was a Communist-propaganda project
! Conspiracy Theory:
The Smurfs, a race of tiny blue people who lived in mushroom-shaped houses, were invented by Belgian cartoonist Peyo in 1958. They were popular throughout Europe for decades in comic strips and movies and came to the United States in the 1980s as a Saturday morning cartoon show. But American academics started to notice numerous “questionable” elements in the show: The Smurfs lived in a commune and did everything they were told by their leader, Papa Smurf—who wore a red hat (a color associated with Communism) and had a long white beard
(making him look like Karl Marx). And their enemy was Gargamel, an “evil capitalist” who wanted to trap the magical Smurfs so he could sell them and get rich. In fact, the word “Smurf” is an acronym for “Soviet Men Under Red Father.”

The Truth:
The theory may have started with the movie
Slacker (
1991), in which one character says that
The Smurfs
is pro-Hindu, preparing children for the coming of the blue-skinned god Krishna by getting them used to seeing blue people. It was only a joke, but the rumor spread. The word “Smurf” is a nonsense word—it couldn’t be an anagram for “Soviet Men Under Red Father” because it comes from the original French-language name for the comic:
Les Schtroumpfs
. Peyo didn’t put any socialist propaganda in the cartoon series because he wasn’t involved in its production. He didn’t even create Gargamel, the “evil capitalist” villain—that was written by the show’s writers specifically for the American cartoon. Oddly,
The Smurfs
actually contained an element of
anti
-totalitarianism: most of the Smurfs wore white hats, called Phrygian caps, a symbol of liberty worn by anti-monarchists during the French Revolution.

As a POW during the Vietnam War, Sen. John McCain was brainwashed by the Viet Cong. They can “flip the switch” in his brain and turn him into a spy, or worse…anytime they want
! Conspiracy Theory:
McCain, a naval pilot, was shot down over Saigon in 1967 and was held captive in a military prison for six years, subject to physical and psychological torture. The Vietnamese hypnotized him, brainwashed him, and implanted a chip in his brain. McCain was released in 1973, but the Vietnamese used the chip to make him run for the U.S. Senate and eventually president. As president, McCain would be the helpless puppet of the Communist government of Vietnam.

The Truth:
Sound familiar? It’s the plot of the book (and movie)
The Manchurian Candidate—
conspiracy theorists just modernized it by adding “the chip,” which they borrowed from UFO conspiracy theories. The theory probably stems from McCain’s controversial efforts to normalize diplomatic relations with Vietnam in the 1980s. This enraged veterans and prisoner of war groups, who felt that Vietnam was still the enemy. From there the rumors took off, first turning McCain into a collaborator and then into someone with a chip in his head.

Breathtaking stupidity can be very funny…but only when it’s happening to someone else, of course. (While you’re chuckling at these folks, remember that it could have been you.)

M
EAT THE PARENTS
A shoplifter in Kerkrade, Holland, grabbed a package of meat off a supermarket shelf and ran out the door. Employees immediately called the police, and when they arrived, showed them the evidence the robber had left behind: his 12-year-old son. The boy led police to his father.

In December 2007, Jeremy Clarkson, host of the popular British TV show
Top Gear
, published a column in the
Sun
newspaper, scoffing at news that the government had lost two computer discs containing the personal information of about 25 million people. It was a fuss about nothing, he said, and to prove it he gave all the details of his personal Barclays bank account. “All you’ll be able to do with them is put money into my account, not take it out,” he wrote. Shortly thereafter someone withdrew $1,000 from his account. “I was wrong,” Clarkson said, “and I have been punished for my mistake.” (The money had been sent to a charity.)

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, police were called to a domestic disturbance in June 2008 and found Victor Rodriguez arguing with his girlfriend while holding a 9-foot-long python. Rodriguez ordered the snake to attack the police. It didn’t. He was arrested.

A February 2008 poll found that 23 percent of Brits think that Winston Churchill—probably the most famous British Prime Minister in history—was a fictional character. And 58 percent believe that Sherlock Holmes was a real person.

In June 2007, a 70-year-old woman in Nanjing, China, started skipping rope at midnight every night to annoy the person who lived below her. She was mad because they had broken a plumbing pipe, leaving her without a toilet. But after a week of the annoying rope-skipping, she had to stop: All that exercise had caused her blood pressure to shoot up to dangerously high levels, and she had to be taken to the hospital.

Franz Zimmerman, 67, of Lathen, Germany, got drunk and fell asleep…between some train tracks. A train rolled over him, with the brakes on (the engineer had seen him), the wheels screaming, and sparks flying. But Zimmerman was
so
drunk that he didn’t even wake up. “He was sleeping like a baby,” the engineer said. “He didn’t notice there was a train on top of him.” Zimmerman was arrested—after being woken up—for endangering public safety.

Police in Largo, Florida, were called to investigate a disturbance outside a bar in July 2007. They found Dana Farrell Shelton, 38, who appeared to be drunk but wasn’t causing any apparent disturbance. They asked him to move along and left the scene. Shelton immediately called 911 to report that he was “surrounded by cops” and needed help. The cops went back to the bar and arrested him.

A 24-year-old Russian man stole a car from a repair shop in Moscow in June 2008. Witnesses watched him zoom away, go straight through a red light, and smash into a parked car. It turned out that the car was in the shop because it had no brakes.

Daniel Everett, 38, walked into a crowded St. Louis County Courthouse in Missouri in 2001, found a public photocopying machine, dropped his drawers, hopped onto the machine, and proceeded to make photocopies of his butt. As police officers approached Everett, who was already holding two copies, he asked them, “What’d I do?”

Country singer and TV star Jimmy Dean is probably best known today for the sausage company he started in 1969—one of the first celebrities to develop and brand his own food product. Here are some more examples
.

• James Brown Cookeez.
In 1994 the Godfather of Soul lent his name and image to a line of mini-cookies. Flavors included Banana Peanut Butter Creameez and Chocolate Chip Feel Goodeez, and one percent of the proceeds from each bag sold benefited anti-domestic violence charities, a crime for which Brown had been arrested five times.

•
Rap Snacks.
Labeling its product “the Official Snack of Hip-Hop,” the company is owned by teenage rapper Lil’ Romeo. Rap Snacks are potato chips, corn chips, and cheese puffs in 17 different flavors, “each with a different rapper on the wrapper.”

•
San Diego Chicken Gum.
The guy in a giant chicken suit became famous for goofing around at San Diego Padres games in the 1970s. That led to a line of Chicken chewing gum. The pieces were shaped like chicken…but they were bubblegum flavored.

•
Jeff Foxworthy Jerky.
It’s standard beef jerky, endorsed by the “you might be a redneck if…” comedian and sold almost exclusively at truck stops and Wal-Mart.

•
Mr. T Gold Chain Bubblegum.
The star of
The A-Team
and
Rocky III
was such an ’80s cultural phenomenon that someone came out with Mr. T chewing gum—gold-colored “chains” meant to look like the ones Mr. T was famous for wearing.

•
Kiss Coffeehouse.
The rock band Kiss is as famous for its merchandising as it is for its music—maybe more. They’ve licensed the name and image for comic books, action figures, and even a line of caskets. In 2006 the first of many planned Kiss Coffeehouses opened in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It’s a standard Star-bucks-style coffee shop but with Kiss memorabilia on the walls and rock music–themed coffee beverages, including Rocket Ride Espresso and Rockuccino. (The decaf is called “Unplugged.”)

The Newlywed Game
has been around for decades, making newlywed couples answer leading questions designed to embarrass them…and entertain us
.

Bob Eubanks:
What is your husband’s favorite condiment?

Contestant:
His pool table.

Eubanks:
What will your husband say is the last flavor you used too much of in one of your dishes?

Contestant:
Burnt.

Eubanks:
What is your favorite thing to buy by the foot?

Contestant:
Shoes.

Eubanks:
What is your favorite wind instrument?

Contestant:
The guitar.

Eubanks:
What will your husband say is his favorite rodent?

Contestant:
His saxophone.

Eubanks:
Who is your favorite classical composer?

Contestant:
Elton John. (Her husband predicted she’d say Barry Manilow.)

Eubanks:
Where was the busiest place you and your husband ever “made whoopee?”

Contestant:
My apartment.

Eubanks:
“My husband is a closet…”

Contestant:
Queen.

Eubanks:
In what country will your husband say the last foreign car he drove was manufactured?

Contestant:
Texas.

Eubanks:
What vowel does your husband most resemble when he sleeps?

Contestant:
An R.

Eubanks:
What one thing is the city in which you were born best known for?

Contestant:
City hall.

Eubanks:
What is your favorite crustacean?

Contestant:
The stuff in your eyes.

Eubanks:
What is your favorite part of our
Newlywed Game
set?

Husband #3
: Probably wife #2.

Eubanks:
Who will your husband say is his favorite anchorman?

Contestant:
Elvis.

These days, every computer has a USB port (short for Universal Serial Bus), a universal plug for any device you need, like a mouse, keyboard, or printer. But there are a lot more USB-ready devices than you can plug in
.

G
HOST RADAR.
Made by Japanese company Solid Alliance, this device (which looks like a tiny mouse pad dotted with little pink light bulbs) scans the immediate area, analyzes Moon cycles, and takes into account the user’s “biometric feedback” to determine if there are any ghosts in the room.

iSHARPENER.
Plugged into a PC, it utilizes the computer’s power to sharpen pencils, using less energy than a battery-powered or electric pencil sharpener. (Although it’s unclear why, if you’re sitting at a computer, you would need a pencil.) Other appliances available include a rechargeable shaver, a humidifier, and a USB version of the George Foreman Grill.

PLASMA BALL.
It’s a black orb that glows with flashes of pink light when plugged in. If you touch it, the pink lights turn blue.

DISCO BALL.
This spinning ball projects multicolor flashing lights onto the walls, turning your cubicle into a miniature dance club. The device is also available in a spinning mirrored, non-lighted version.

SNOWBOT.
It’s a 4"-tall plastic snowman, but instead of eyes, it has a visor where the computer powers a blue light. More USB holiday items: Drumming Santa (plays the drums to
Silent Night
and
Jingle Bells
), a fiber-optic Christmas tree, and a musical Christmas moose.

USB BEVERAGE COOLER.
Resembling a retro 1950s gas station soda cooler, this 8"-tall device holds—and chills—one can of soda. (If you prefer hot beverages, there’s the USB Mug Warmer that keeps your coffee at 176˚F and doubles as a four-port USB hub.)

USB HEATING SLIPPERS.
Made of brown fake fur (with white trim), these slippers heat up and keep your feet extra-toasty, as long as you’re sitting within the three-foot cord range of the computer. Also available: heated gloves and an electric blanket.