Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (39 page)

But no matter who provides the money, all of the expenses must be budgeted and divvied up before the real work on the movie can begin.

For Part III, go to page 330
.

Given a little time and a modicum of mental strength, you should be able to solve these. (But in case you can’t, the answers are on page 540.)

1.
Name the only U.S. state that has four consecutive consonants in its name.

2.
This special number is in order:
8,549,176,320.
What kind of order?

3.
What letter does not occur in any U.S. state name?

4.
Name the only number that, when spelled out, has the same number of letters as its value.

5.
What do these five words have in common?
adam buoy claim gall ramp

6.
Name the only two U.S. states that contain three consecutive vowels in their name.

7.
What nine-letter word can be made by unscrambling these letters?

8.
This U.S. state name is made up of three words—in order. The first and the third words have opposite meanings, and the middle word is very egotistical. (
Hint
: It’s not a two-word state name.)

9.
What’s the minimum number of playing cards in a hand that can consist of one king, two clubs, three jacks, and four hearts?

10.
Think of the only 9-letter word that contains one vowel. (If your brain isn’t too weak.)

11.
Think of a dangerous five-letter reptile. Remove the letter “o” and rearrange the remaining letters to form a four-letter crustacean that’s not nearly as dangerous.

12.
One of these animals does not begin with something that the other three do. What?
pigeon donkey beetle bullfrog

13.
Name exactly 100 words that do not contain the letters
a
,
b
,
c
, or
d.
(Hint: They’re all connected…and they keep getting bigger.)

14.
What’s special about the word “swims”?

15.
In what well-known word do these six consecutive consonants appear?
                                                                                  
tchphr

From the edible white stuff to the husk to the fibrous coating to the leaves to the oil, nearly every part of a coconut plant has dozens of uses. The coconut is truly the plant kingdom’s buffalo
.

B
ACKGROUND
The palm tree and its fruit, what we call the coconut, are native to tropical regions, and probably originated in what is now Indonesia. The coconut (technically a seed, not a nut) got its name from Spanish explorers who called it
coco
, a colloquialism that means “grinning face,” because the three holes on the side of a coconut husk resemble a face. Coconuts have been common in the West only since the 1800s, but people who know the tropics also know that the coconut tree can provide a vast number of necessities.

1. Drink the coconut water
, which contains antioxidants, fiber, minerals, and high amounts of potassium, magnesium, protein, and iron.

2. Make coconut milk.
It’s not the same thing as coconut water. To get “milk,” grate coconut meat into water, let it soak, then squeeze and remove the pulp.

3. Make
ruku raa
, a drink from the Maldives, by extracting the nectar from the young buds. This creates a sweet syrup and creamy sugar, useful in cooking or desserts.

4. Eat the white meat.
Dry or freeze it to keep it longer.

5. Ferment the nectar
of the flower clusters to make
toddy
, also called
tuba
, palm wine, or “Guam’s moonshine.”

6. Eat the cream
that rises to the top of coconut milk.

7. Make a gelatinlike dessert
called
nata de coco
(“cream of coconut”).

8. Make a coconut-scented
food or fragrance.

9. Eat the young fruit buds
, but be aware that harvesting them kills the entire tree. (In Asia, they’re served in expensive “millionaire’s salads.”)

10. Feed your livestock
with the husk fiber.

11. Eat the fluffy, super-sweet substance
in a young coconut that will separate into the meat and water.

12. Wrap rice in coconut palm leaves
for cooking and storage, like the Filipinos do.

13. Make candy
from the sap.

14. Make dye
from the roots.

15. Weave the fibrous husk
, called the
coir
, into mats or lace it into ropes. You can also use it to make boat caulking, potting compost, yarn, car seat covers, flowerpots, gardening mulch, insulation, brushes, bristles, mattresses, hats, rugs, carpet, bedding, decorations, and even a microporous aquarium filter.

16. Carve shirt buttons
from the shells, like they do in Hawaii.

17. Create brushes, brooms, cooking skewers, and arrows
from the stiff ribs of the palm leaves.

18. Weave the leaves
into thatched roofs, baskets, or mats.

19. Fray a piece of the root and use it as a toothbrush;
then make toothpaste out of the coconut oil.

20. Make mouthwash
from ground-up roots mixed with water.

21. Buff floors
with dried coconut half shells.

22. Make folk music
with half shells like the Filipinos, Chinese, and Vietnamese do.

23. Make a bra
out of two half shells, even if just for a laugh.

24. Carve the shells
into bowls, spoons, ladles, serving trays, bangles, earrings, necklaces, and pendants.

25. Make bags
out of the leaves.

26. Make a hamster bed
out of a hollowed-out shell.

27. Make a bird feeder
out of a cleaned-out half shell.

28. Build furniture or even structures
(like Manila’s Coconut Palace) with the tree trunks.

29. Build small, salt-resistant bridges
out of the trunks.

30. Treat snakebites with coconut oil
, like they do in Pakistan.

31. Make shampoo and soaps
out of coconut oil.

32. Drink the water of a young coconut to relieve fever, headache, upset stomach, diarrhea, and dysentery.
Well, that’s what some say it can do. It’s also reputed to strengthen the heart and restore energy if you’re sick—pregnant women drink lots of it because they believe it gives babies strength and vitality.

33. Prevent fogging on snorkeling goggles
by rubbing a fresh, inner coconut husk on the lens.

34. Use the fibers as ground fill
to prevent topsoil erosion.

35. Rub coconut oil on your scalp and skin for healthy hair and complexion, or to help ward off infection.
It’s said to reduce symptoms of skin conditions such as dermatitis, eczema, and psoriasis and aids in immune system function. It also appears to assist with constipation, digestion problems, and weight control.

36. Make a short-term intravenous hydration fluid
out of coconut water. Really.

37. Simulate a horse’s hoofbeats
by banging coconut halves together. This method is often used for sound effects in theater and movies.

38. Make containers, drums, and small canoes
out of the hollowed-out trunks like the Hawaiians once did.

39. Use coconut oil for its antibacterial, antiaging, and antiviral properties.
It’s also been shown to fight off measles, influenza, yeast infections, and fungal infections. A study conducted in the Yucatan has shown that those using coconut oil daily had higher metabolisms, and women didn’t suffer typical menopause symptoms.

40. Try coconut oil as an emergency replacement for diesel fuel.
Filipino troops used it during World War II.

41. Burn the husks and shells
as firewood.

42. Make bombs
out of coconut shells filled with gunpowder. (But don’t.)

43. Make switches out of the leaf branches
for use in corporal punishment. (Don’t do that, either.)

44. Inscribe a message on a coconut shell.
The crew of
PT-109
did it when they were shipwrecked in 1943. John F. Kennedy commanded that boat, and the coconut later sat on his desk. (It’s now in his presidential library.)

Pssst! Here’s some rumors and idle talk to go with your iPod. Pass it on
!

K
NIGHTLY NEWS
When the Beatles were invested in the Order of the British Empire in a 1965 ceremony at Buckingham Palace, they were so intimidated by the thought of meeting the Queen that they snuck into a palace restroom for a few minutes to “compose” themselves. At the ceremony “we were giggling like crazy,” John Lennon remembered, “because we had just smoked a joint in the loo of Buckingham Palace, we were so nervous. We had nothing to say.” (George Harrison swore they only smoked
cigarettes
.)

In the 1980s, Pete Burns found fame as the lead singer of Dead or Alive, whose song “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record),” topped the pop charts in 1985. Today he’s better known for botched plastic surgery: When a 2000 procedure to remove lip implants went horribly awry, Burns spent his entire fortune on more than 100 surgeries to repair the damage. Ironically, the notoriety revived his career: In 2006 he was cast in the British reality show
Celebrity Big Brother
and hosted the TV special
Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares
.

Bette Midler, whose song “The Rose” hit #3 on the U.S. pop charts in 1979, is named after Bette Davis. So why is her name pronounced “Bet” instead of “Betty?” It’s a mistake—Midler’s mother thought that was how Davis pronounced
her
name.

During the Second Gulf War in 2003, the U.S. military needed a way to get Saddam Hussein’s Ba’ath loyalists to reveal sensitive information, such as where the dictator was hiding. One of the techniques they came up with: forcing the loyalists to listen to heavy metal music—Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” was a favorite—interspersed with children's songs like the theme to
Sesame Street
and songs by Barney the Dinosaur. “Trust me, it works,” one American official told
Newsweek
magazine.

If you’ve ever said, “I need that like I need a hole in my head,” you might want to read this article to find out what you’re missing
.

T
HE HOLE STORY
There’s actually a term to describe the practice of purposely boring a hole into the human skull for “medical” purposes. It’s called
trepanning
, and it dates back at least 7,000 years—archaeologists have discovered Neanderthal skulls that had nickel-size holes in them. During the Middle Ages, the procedure was used to release the “demons,” which were believed to be the cause of mental illness. By the 19th century, trepanning was still commonplace, although it was believed to cure mental illness by relieving pressure on the brain, not by exorcising evil spirits. The surgery fell out of favor in the early 20th century, when doctors realized the primitive procedure was ineffective (and dangerous).

In 1962 a Dutch self-help guru named Bart Huges tried to spearhead a modern-day trepanning comeback. While searching for a way to expand his consciousness and increase his brainpower, he somehow concluded that the key was in somehow opening up the skull. His “reasoning”: Children are fast learners and have creative minds because their skulls are not yet fully formed or fully enclosed, and their high levels of creativity are due to higher levels of blood flow (and oxygen) to the brain. Huges decided that with trepanning, he could mimic the open skull and reap the rewards of increased blood flow. Using a surgical drill, Huges performed the procedure on himself (and then stitched up the skin over the borehole…himself).

For the record, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that drilling a hole in the head results in anything other than putting a person at serious risk of injury or death. But despite being committed to a mental institution after he extolled the virtues of trepanning to reporters, Huges served as a model for many latter-day trepanning advocates. (One more warning:
Do not try this at home
.)