Uncollected Stories 2003 (24 page)

 

GOD (
big amplified voice
) Come in! Verily, it is open unto you!

 

The door opens. In comes ST. PETER, dressed in a snazzy white robe.
He’s also carrying a briefcase.

 

GOD Peter! I thought you were on vacation!

 

ST. PETER Leaving in half an hour, but I thought I’d bring the papers
for you to sign. How are you, GOD?

 

GOD Better. I should know better than to eat those chili peppers. They
burn me at both ends. Are those the letters of transmission from hell?

 

ST. PETER Yes, finally. Thank GOD. Excuse the pun.

He removes some papers from his briefcase. GOD scans them, then
holds out his hand impatiently, ST PETER has been looking at the
floating globe. He looks back, sees GOD is waiting, and puts a pen in
his out-stretched hand. GOD scribbles his signature. As he does, ST.
PETER goes back to gazing at the globe.

ST. PETER So Earth’s still there, Huh? After All these years.

 

GOD hands the papers back and looks up at it. His gaze is rather
irritated.

 

GOD Yes, the housekeeper is the most forgetful bitch in the universe.

 

An EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER from the TV. GOD cranes to see. Too
late.

 

GOD Damn, was that Alan Alda?

 

ST. PETER It may have been, sir – I really couldn’t see.

 

GOD Me, either.

 

He leans forward and crushes the floating globe to powder.

 

GOD (
immensely satisfied
) There. Been meaning to do that for a long
time. Now I can see the TV…

 

ST. PETER looks sadly at the crushed remains of the earth.

 

ST. PETER Umm...I believe that was Alan Alda’s world, GOD.

 

GOD So? (
Chuckles at the TV
) Robin Williams! I
love
Robin Williams!

ST. PETER I believe both Alda and Williams were on it when
you..umm...passed Judgment,
sir.

GOD Oh, I’ve got all the videotapes. No problem. Want a beer?

 

As ST. PETER takes one, the stage-lights begin to dim. A spotlight come
up on the remains on the globe.

 

ST. PETER I actually sort of liked that one, GOD – Earth, I mean.

 

GOD It wasn’t bad, but there’s more where that came from. Now –
let’s drink to your vacation!

They are just shadows in the dimness now, although it’s a little easier to
see GOD, because there’s a faint nimbus of light around his head. They
clink bottles. A roar of laughter from the TV.

GOD Look! It’s Richard Pryor! That guy kills me! I suppose he was...

 

ST. PETER Ummm... yessir.

 

GOD Shit. (
Pause
) Maybe I better cut Down on my drinking. (
Pause
)
Still...It
was
in the way.

 

Fade to black, except for the spotlight on the ruins of the floating globe.

 

ST. PETER Yessir.

 

GOD (
muttering
) My son got back, didn’t he?

 

ST. PETER Yessir, some time ago.

 

GOD Good. Everything’s hunky-dory, then.

 

THE SPOTLIGHT GOES OUT.

 

(Author’s note: GOD’S VOICE should be as loud as possible.)