Uncovering You 5: Confessions (5 page)

“You ignored me,” I say.

“I was trying to save face,” he sighs. “I could not have you see me waver in my demands. That would make me seem weak. And I hate weakness above all.”

“It would make you seem
human
,” I whisper.

He grunts. “Perhaps. But I was not ready to show you that side of me then.” He turns, faces me, and walks straight forward. His eyes bore into me as he advances. I don’t shy away, no matter how much I want to.

What he does next takes me completely by surprise. He
drops to his knees
, and picks up my hand. “But I am now,” he whispers.

I blink through suddenly-moist eyes. Am I crying? Why? I’ve never been overly weepy before…

But listening to Stonehart speak has all sorts of strange emotions bubbling up inside of me. Seeing him on his knees like that has me absolutely awe-struck.

“You can ask me anything you want,” he says into my hand. “Just let me finish my story first.”

I nod dumbly, hardly able to reconcile what is happening with the Stonehart I know.

He gets back up and starts to pace the room again. “The two weeks away felt like the longest of my life. The goddamned trip had to happen at the moment we were making the most progress. I worried the entire time that when I returned, we would have regressed.

“But that was not the only thing troubling me. It took me less than a day to begin missing you. Somehow, at one point or another, you became my drug. I became addicted to you, Lilly. I needed my fix.

“I was not myself the entire trip. I made poor decisions. Bad judgments. Even my colleagues commented on it. All because I could not get you out of my mind.

“Half a dozen times I debated flying home to see you. Half a dozen times I wanted to fly straight back just to hold you in my arms. No other woman has ever had such a strong effect on me.”

I stare at him in disbelief. I don’t know what to say.

“When my plane landed in California that day, my composure disappeared. I had waited so long to see you. All pretense was gone. I rushed home, my heart racing, ready to apologize for the way I’d been treating you, for the things I’d been doing to you, ready to confess all my budding feelings for you, only to find you—”

“Asleep,” I whisper.

“Yes,” he says. “Asleep.”

A silence forms between us. It is not comfortable.

After a minute, Stonehart speaks again.

“You cannot imagine the disappointment I felt. Finding you like that told me the feelings I harbored for you were one-sided. I felt powerless. It was all an illusion. There was no reciprocity. You did not want to see me.”

I swallow. Is this the insight into Stonehart’s mind that I always wanted?

“I thought maybe you would wake. I thought that maybe, I should wait. But as I did… and as the minutes stretched… a deep fury rose inside of me. I was angered at my own weakness. At the feelings for you that were growing inside me.

“I was wrong. Nothing had changed. Even worse. After two weeks away, we’d
regressed
, just as I feared.

“I did not want to lose you. But I felt like you were slipping out of my fingertips. So I did the only thing I could, Lilly. I exerted control. I had to, Lilly, don’t you see? I
had
to do it. I had to. You gave me no choice. I had to—” he looks away from me then, “—I had to leave you in the dark.”

He clears his throat. His next words come out in a harsh whisper. “When you’re in the dark, with your collar on, I know that you are safe.”

He holds up a hand to stop my protest before I can give it voice. “I know what that sounds like. I shudder to think what type of monster that makes me in your eyes. I know I’ve been less than kind to you, Lilly. You deserve better. Better than what I’ve given you. But some things…” he exhales heavily, “…some things go so much further back than you can ever know.”

He sits up and faces me. “So there you have it. It’s a goddamn horrible apology, but it’s the only one I can give you now.”

Our eyes meet. Behind the darkness that engulfs his irises, I see a tumultuous swirling of emotions.

I wonder if the same is mirrored in my face. Because, this… this
confession
… has me reeling.

He rises. “Our flight leaves tomorrow at ten,” he says. “Rose will be in to wake you before eight. She’ll pack your belongings for you.”

He walks to me and reaches out to take my hand. I don’t move. I feel like I’m glued to the spot.

He brings my knuckles to his lips. “Goodnight, Lilly-flower,” he breathes. “And Merry Christmas. I hope, starting tomorrow, we can begin a new chapter in our lives.”

Without another word, he turns around and walks out the room, leaving me feeling like I’ve just been run over by a ten-ton truck.

My mind is too active to grant me any sleep that night.

I keep replaying the conversation with Stonehart over and over again in my head. Three things stand out:

The first is his plea not to hate him. I never, ever would have thought I would hear anything of the sort from the man.

The second is the mention of hope. He
hopes
that I can trust him. He
hopes
that he can trust me.

The third is the promise of a new chapter. What does he mean by that? Have the rules been abolished? He’s taking me out with him, with no mention of the TGBs. Are they nothing more than a relic now?

He also told me that I can ask him questions. Any I like! I didn’t seize the opportunity before he left. But, if he actually stays true to his word, it might mean that the verbal rules he set out at our first meeting do not apply anymore.

I turn to my side and bring the blanket to cover my shoulder. I stare out at the sea. Moonlight reflects off the glassy water and makes it seem to sparkle.

I cannot wrap my mind around what could have possessed Stonehart to say all those things to me. It’s the closest thing to empathetic I’ve ever seen him.

I do not think he was mincing words. Why would he? The justifications he had for his actions make little enough sense as they were.

Little enough sense to someone
normal
. He imprisoned me to keep me
safe
? He locked me up to develop
trust
?

That is not how those things work.

One other thing he said, just before walking out the room, has me more confused and uncertain than ever.

“Some things go so much further back than you can ever know.”

Was he alluding to the reason I’m here? To the reason why I was the one he chose as his prisoner?

I can’t be sure. But I know one thing: Whatever he meant, it was important. The sincerity he showed in giving that twisted explanation for his actions tells me, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am important to him.

I suspect I was important before I even came to California.

Why?
and
How?
are the prevailing questions that haunt me as I drift off into a restless sleep.

***

Bleary-eyed and groggy, I wake up the next morning to Rose shaking my arm.

“Miss Ryder, it’s time to get up,” she says in an apologetic, soft voice.

I groan and roll onto my back. It feels like I just fell asleep minutes ago.

“Miss Ryder, you really can’t wait any longer. It’s almost nine-thirty, and—”

I jerk upright, more awake than if I had chugged five Red Bulls in a row.

“The flight’s at ten!” I gasp. “Jeremy said you’d wake me at eight, and—”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” Rose breaks in, cutting me off. “Mr. Stonehart saw how soundly you were sleeping and wanted to give you a little more time to rest. You’ll be taking a separate flight to Portland, leaving at noon.”

Relief swells inside, mixed with a hint of disbelief. Stonehart changes plans because of
me
?

“But you really mustn’t tarry,” Rose says. “We’re cutting it close. If you want, you can take a quick shower. I have everything packed for you.”

I let Rose lead me out of bed. I slip a robe over my shoulders as she chatters on. Even though she’s trying hard to retain the degree of formality that defined our very first conversations, she can’t keep some things from slipping out.

“It’s wonderful to be able to see you again,” she keeps telling me. “Oh, and I’m so excited for your trip. I hear Portland isn’t the grandest of cities, but I’ve never been, and it’s beyond time you get out of the house…”

On and on she goes, in that same, bubbly vein, as I get dressed and then sip the espresso she brings me.

“Oh my God!” I exclaim as the first bit of caffeine hits my bloodstream. “It’s Christmas! I forgot all about it, Rose. Merry Christmas.”

“And to you too, dear,’ she says with a coy smile.

“I don’t have anything to give you,” I admit. Even though I never had much money, I always made a point of putting some small gifts together for my friends during the holidays. Most of them were useless knick-knacks, but they were always appreciated. I wish I had something for Rose.

She smiles at me in a very endearing way. “Just seeing you healthy and happy is enough for me,” she says. Then she claps her hands together. “Now, come along, please. I’ve got your luggage lined up for you at the front, and the limo’s waiting. The driver’s been idling—“

“Hold on,” I say, stopping short. “Where’s Jeremy?”

“Mr. Stonehart took the ten a.m. flight as planned,” Rose tells me. “He arranged for his plane to return to bring you to Portland this afternoon.”

My eyebrows rise in surprise. So he really did have to get there early. And still, he left me here on my own, just to give me a few extra hours of sleep?

“That was very considerate of him,” I mumble.

“Mr. Stonehart can be a considerate man,” Rose beams proudly. She touches my shoulder. “He just has to have the right people around to bring it out.”

***

Half an hour later, I’m seated in the back of a white limousine, about to leave Stonehart’s property for the first time.

A nervous excitement fills me as the engine starts up and the car rolls off. I wave goodbye to Rose through the back window, and, when the mansion is out of sight, stick my face to the glass to look at the winding road we’re taking through the trees.

The gates rise in front of us soon after. They are large and heavy and black. Very, very black.

Seeing those gates makes my hand twitch up to touch the collar around my neck.

It’s still there, of course. But I’ve become so accustomed to its presence that I rarely notice it any more. And right now, in some strange yet undeniable way, it feels… almost soothing.

It lets me know that I am not dreaming. It tells me that I really
am
about to leave Stonehart’s property, having earned the promised TGBs or not.

The gate slides open. My breath hitches as we drive through. And then, when nothing happens… I let out a strangled laugh of relief.

The driver glances at me through the rearview mirror as my laughter becomes near-hysterical. I don’t care. I am off the property. I am actually
off
the property.

There was no shock. There was no pain. The collar remained deactivated, true to Stonehart’s word.

I couldn’t be happier.

Two days ago, I was trapped in the dark, unsure of whether or not I’d ever see the light of day again. And now, here I am, in the back of a limousine, about to enter the busy California traffic, as close to a free woman as I’ve ever dared hope.

Half an hour later, we arrive at a private airfield. There’s a small jet waiting nearby. A stewardess takes my bags from the trunk and carries them on board with the driver’s help. I climb the protruding steps to the cabin and look around.

It’s as luxurious as I imagined. More so. The seats bolted to the floor are a rich, creamy red. A bar made of dark oak is installed near the back. There’s a second stewardess behind the counter. She smiles at me when our eyes meet.

“Good morning, Miss Ryder,” she announces in a crisp, upbeat voice. “Would you like anything to drink?”

She knows my name? Then again, of course she would. Stonehart would have ensured that.

I eye the fancy bottles behind her. My head throbs a little from the wine last night. Besides, I want to be fully sober when I see Stonehart in a few hours.

“Just water, thank you,” I say, and pick a seat at random to perch on. She brings me my glass and I take it with a grateful smile, but don’t bring it to my lips.

Being all alone—that is, without Stonehart—in this place feels surreal. More than that, it feels like I’m
intruding
. I don’t belong in places usually reserved for the rich and famous. I don’t belong in the cabin of a magnificent private jet.

The stewardess from outside climbs the stairs and seals the door. The plane taxis to the runway, and we’re lifting off a few minutes later.