Uncovering You: The Complete Series (Mega Box Set) (147 page)

“So what are you saying?” I ask. “That I’ll be sitting there, while you cut a hole in my skull, while I am fully
conscious
?”

“Exactly that,” he confirms. “We’ll apply a numbing gel, of course. You won’t feel any pain. That’s not the part I’m worried about.”

“Then what is it?”

“When you’re in the MRI machine, you have to be very, very still. The slightest movement—a twitch, a yawn, a particularly deep or uneven breath—will cause my needle to move and miss the target.”

“So what are you going to do?” I ask.

“We’ll need to strap you in,” he says.

My eyes widen. “Just like what Esteban did to me,” I say softly.

Dr. Telfair gives a solemn nod. “Yes. I am afraid of triggering your memories. While we do this, you have to remain absolutely calm.”

“How long will the procedure take?” Jeremy asks. His body is tense against mine. “From the moment she’s brought into the MRI machine, how long will you need?”

“Forty seconds,” Dr. Telfair says without sliver of hesitation.

I look up at Jeremy. “That’s not that bad…” I say.

“Forty seconds, for each injection,” Dr. Telfair amends. He looks gravely serious now. “Remember there are five.”

“Three minutes, twenty seconds,” Jeremy growls. “Lilly. Can you manage that?”

“I think…”

“There will also be a five minute lag time after each injection,” Dr. Telfair interrupts. “Time in which I need Lilly under the MRI machine to gauge the serum’s distribution through her brain.”

I swallow hard, and look at him, wide-eyed. “You want me to be strapped on a small bed for nearly half an hour, afraid to move, terrified of what would happen if I do?”

“In essence…” Dr. Telfair exhales. “Yes. We can delay the procedure, Lilly, until you’ve had more distance from events, more time—”

“No!” I yelp. “No! If we’re going to do it, I want to do it now. As soon as possible. Hell, I’d do it today if I could.” I look back at Jeremy. He nods with grave approval. “I want to be rid of this thing. Rid of this…filth…for good. Until it’s gone, I’ll always feel dirty. Soiled. It’s the final step left to recover.”

“Physically, yes,” Dr. Telfair says. “There is still the emotional, the mental trauma to deal with. But you’ve done an excellent job of that so far. I don’t anticipate any problems.”

“Then, yes,” I nod vigorously. “Yes, I’m going to do it. Yes, we need to do it. No delays. Like ripping off a Band-Aid in one stroke. Isn’t it? Otherwise this procedure will just continue to be something looming in the distance, waiting for me to say I’m ready. Well, I’m ready now.”

“If we wait,” Jeremy begins. I give him a hard look. He continues despite my silent protest. “
If
we wait, and Lilly has more time, will there be a chance you’ll allow the use of a full-body anesthetic?”

“Never,” Dr. Telfair says. “There would be too many uncertainties. Too many variables to control. I want to reduce risk as much as possible. It’s the closest thing I can do to guarantee success.”

“Wait a minute,” I say. “So this isn’t one hundred percent? I thought you said you designed the medication specifically for me. Coded it to my DNA…?”

“I did,” Dr. Telfair agrees. “But this sort of procedure has never been done before. There is no precedence. Neither is there literature on your condition. This is all new, Lilly. I am as sure as I can be. But nothing is ever foolproof.” He runs a hand over his jaw, “Particularly when matters of the mind are concerned.”

“We’re still not going to wait,” I say. “I want to do this as soon as possible. I need certainty.”

“Lilly.” Jeremy speaks, and he sounds hesitant. “I understand your enthusiasm. But it might be better to schedule this for later.” He exchanges a look with his brother. “Have you ever been in an MRI machine?”

“Well, no,” I say. “But I know what they look like.”

“Do you?” Jeremy wonders. “Yet you’ve never been inside one. If we’re talking about things that can evoke memories of your kidnapping…” He exhales. “…this might be the best way to do it. I’ve been inside one. It’s not a pleasant experience. You won’t be sedated, but you’ll be strapped in. You’ll feel very claustrophobic. I did. And you’ll have to find some way to relax, because, as I understand it, precision is of utmost importance to you.” He glances at his brother. “Are you certain this is a good idea? This early? So soon?”

“It’s her call.” Dr. Telfair nods my way. “Only she can say if she’s ready.”

“I am!” I insist. “Jeremy, I know you’re worried.”

“Concerned is more like it,” he says.

“I appreciate that. But, it makes no difference. I’m as ready now as I’ll ever be. I want the procedure. I insist.”

Jeremy nods solemnly and shares a look with his brother. “Who are we to say no to you?”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

LILLY

Three days later, I am inside the Hermann Grace Medical Center, in the very room where Dr. Telfair will be performing the operation.

He invited me here so that I could acclimate myself to the operating room. It’s one big, white space with bright lights shining overhead. The floor is checkered grey and white. The MRI machine stands as the grand centerpiece, demanding all the attention.

For the past few hours, Dr. Telfair has been showing me exactly what will happen four days from now. He has turned the machine on and let me watch it operate from the outside. Then I lay on the bed and was conveyed
inside.

It wasn’t all bad. Only the upper half of my body had to be in the circular tube. Jeremy stayed by my side and held my hand. His grip helped ward off any unpleasant memories that tried to crop up.

But things will be different for the procedure. Jeremy won’t be allowed inside the room, for one. It will be me, Dr. Telfair, and one of his nurses.

He introduces me to her. She’s a kind, elderly woman. Much like Rose was back when I thought of her as a friend. The difference is that she smiles and laughs much more easily. Her demeanor puts me at ease.

The next day, we look at the straps that will be fastened to the bed to hold me in place. They are uncannily like the ones Esteban used to hold me. I shudder when my fingers brush them. But then I remind myself that I am here of my own free will, that I will only be strapped in
willingly
, and for a short time. Somehow, that seems enough to steady my nerves.

They remain steady until it’s time for me to lie on the bed and have those straps attached.

“Wait, wait! Stop!” I blurt out, after the second hold has been tightened around my arm. “Stop. Let me out.”

My breathing is jagged as the nurse and Dr. Telfair hurry to undo the two straps holding my wrist. Jeremy watches from the far wall.

I bolt up as soon as I can and rub at my wrists where the tight fabric dug in. “I’m sorry,” I mumble, ashamed for chickening out so early, on the very first attempt. “I…I couldn’t take it.” I draw in a slow steadying breath, grip the sides of the bed, and lie back down. “I’m better now. Let’s try it again.”

“It’s too soon,” Jeremy opines from the distance. “We’re rushing into things.”

I lift my head and look at him. He’s distanced from me as a way to make me more likely to agree, I think. At the time I need him most, he’s proving his worth by digging in his heels and resisting in the most passive aggressive way imaginable.

But that just spurs me to prove him wrong.

Shit, I think in a moment of rare reflection, maybe that’s his real purpose acting this way. He’s certainly shrewd enough to do it.

“I’m going to do it,” I tell him. “This Friday, I’m going to do it, and we’ll move past this stain on our lives for good. Don’t you trust me?”

Jeremy crosses his arms and sets his jaw. But when he speaks, his voice is soft. “Of course I do,” he says.

“And we’ll get married the week after,” I tell him firmly. “So set your mind to planning that, instead of second guessing my decision here.” As I lie back down, I catch the beginning of a smirk flitter across his face. I look up at Dr. Telfair and extend my arm. “Strap me in, doc.”

--

Determined to prove Jeremy wrong becomes my biggest motivation. He never liked seeing me weak before. Now, after having put enough time and space between me and the horrifying past, I’m ready to embrace the strong woman I had been once again.

I’ve had my share of care and coddling in Italy.

The second attempt goes much better. Only when the final strap over my forehead goes in place does my breathing become labored again. Panic threatens to overcome me.

I grit my teeth and try to will it away. But Dr. Telfair recognizes the physical signs of distress. He signals for me to be let go.

When I am free, I stand and do a quick circle of the room, deep in thought. Determination to make the third time work pulses through me. I catch Jeremy’s brother’s eye. In the most subtle of nods, I give him my thanks for releasing me before I was forced to call for it myself—and admit my weakness to Jeremy.

Things go without a hitch the third time. As I lie prone, helpless, and unable to move staring up at the white ceiling, I feel a strange calm wash over me.

I can do this
, I think.
I can prove to Jeremy I’m strong and emerge from this nightmare forever.
If this is the worst I have to face…? I almost laugh. This is
nothing
compared to what I’ve overcome before.

After a stretch of ten long silent minutes, Dr. Telfair moves to release me.

“No,” I say. My eyes flash to the top of my head, toward the gaping entrance of the MRI machine looming behind me. “I’m ready. Put me in.”

Jeremy is at my side in an instant. “Lilly,” he says. “Don’t be stubborn. We’ve gone through enough today. Tomorrow, after you’ve rested we’ll come back here and taken the next step.

I try to shake my head—realize that I can’t—and almost give way to irrational fear. But after a frightening moment, the black tide washes away, and all is clear.

Seeing Jeremy’s face helped with that.

“I’m ready,” I say. “I’ll prove it to you. Dr. Telfair? Unless you object?”

“If that’s what you want,” he says. “Remember. If you start to panic, we can pull you out. You’re in control.”

“Then I want to go in.”

He nods and backs away. Jeremy fades from view, too, as the mechanism to carry me back seals up. A whirring sound fills my ears. I close my eyes.

I open them when the bed stops moving. I’m inside a big, hollow tube. I look around me. It’s a little dark. Most of the light comes from the opening at my waist. If I strain my eyes and look down, I can see out of the machine and into the room.

This isn’t bad at all, I think.

“Lilly?” Dr. Telfair’s voice. “Would you like me to turn the machine on?”

I take a deep breath, deliberate it for a second, then reach out. “Yes. Do it.”

A firm grip comes over my arm. I don’t need to see to know who it belongs to. The warmth and electricity running up my arm at that sure touch is enough to tell me it’s Jeremy’s

Knowing that he’s there beside me, standing by and giving his support, is enough to make the next part absolutely painless.

--

The next day, we return to the operating room and run through the test run again. I’m strapped in and moved into the machine. It turns on. I keep my breathing calm and steady and do not move.

When I emerge, Dr. Telfair is ecstatic. “Do that on Friday,” he beams, “And there won’t be a hitch.”

--

We repeat the test run three times that day, and the day after, and the day after. In fact, it becomes so routine and ordinary that, when the day of the operation comes, I’m hit by surprise that it’s finally real.

“Just like every time before,” Dr. Telfair says. Jeremy gives me a tight hug outside the room. “I’ll be waiting,” he whispers.

I smile up at him. “I love you,” I say.

He smiles back. “I love you, too. Oh and I, uh, retrieved this.” He takes out a small black box and opens it. Inside is the beautiful broach he made me wear on my first trip off his property. “As a token of good luck. For after.”

“It’ll be waiting for you,” he promises, as the nurse leads him away, “on your safe return.”

“Don’t count on anything less,” I tell him.

Inside the freshly-sterilized room, I change into the hospital gown I have to wear. Dr. Telfair comes out dressed in a light green surgical outfit.

“Ready?” he asks.

“I’ve been ready for days,” I tell him. “Let’s do it.”

“You know what’s going to happen,” he tells me. “But it’s worth repeating.” And then he goes through the entire procedure again, from start to finish, with such painstaking detail that I’m afraid any more talk will only heighten my anxiety.

Finally, I lie on the bed and am strapped in. A small patch of hair is shaved from my skull, right where the catheter will need to be placed. The nurse rubs an odorless ointment on the spot that immediately takes all sensation away.

“Good luck,” she whispers, squeezing my hand once, and then disappearing from view.

The MRI machine starts its familiar hum. The bed moves inside.

Music starts to play in the outside room. It’s a soundtrack I’m familiar with, and one that brings me great comfort:
Lehar
by Mantovani
from when Jeremy taught me to dance.

I close my eyes, let my body relax, and focus on reliving that moment in my head as Dr. Telfair operates.

His voice comes through one speaker beside me. “The first injection is done,” he says.

I open my eyes and blink. “I didn’t feel a thing!”

“Now we have to wait,” he says. “You’re safe to move, just a little, if you’d like.”

I scoff something a lot like a laugh. “Strapped in like this? Yeah, right.”

Sometimes humor is needed in the most important moment.

I close my eyes and let the song take me away.

Almost immediately after—or at least, so soon that it feels like no time has passed—Dr. Telfair’s voice comes on once more. “Two and three are done. You’re doing great.”

Just two more?
I marvel. Ten more minutes in here, and I’m free for the rest of my life?