Authors: Liz Bankes
‘Sorry, I don’t really know the new rules,’ he muttered.
‘Ready!’ I said, putting in a lot of effort to keep up the feeling that this was all fine and normal.
‘That’s my T-shirt.’
‘What? Oh, well yeah. But I always wear it.’ I had forgotten that the Barcelona top I wear in bed wasn’t technically mine.
‘I want it back.’
‘Max, don’t be a knob.’ I half laughed, then I saw his face. He looked really annoyed. Usually in arguments I was the annoyed one. I’d rant and rave about how much he
stressed me out and he’d just laugh at me.
It was a strange, horrible pang in the pit of my stomach.
‘I was going to take it with me when I go to London,’ I said. ‘Something to remind me of you.’ My voice went all weird and shaky.
‘Why d’you want reminding of me now?’ he said in a low voice. ‘I’m just another one of your friends.’
‘One of my best friends. My closest friend. That actually means loads.’ There was anger creeping into my voice now. How dare he make out like I didn’t care about him? He
couldn’t just have me as the bad person and him as the victim. It wasn’t fair.
‘Are you going to give me back my fucking T-shirt?’ he said nastily.
‘Fine. Turn round then,’ I snapped.
He did as he was told. I took the T-shirt off, put another one on and then rolled the Barcelona one into a ball and threw it as hard as I could at his back. He spun round, his face twisted in
anger. He picked up the T-shirt and flung it down on the floor. He picked it up again and threw it down again. And kept doing it. His whole body was tensed in rage. I could tell he wanted to pick
up something more satisfying to throw, but everything around him was mine. I ran over and tried to get it from his hand.
‘Stop being mental!’
As my hand touched his arm I couldn’t tell which of us was hotter. We were both burning. He stopped, but his arms stayed tense and his fists clenched. As we looked at each other, a
familiar pull seemed to move us closer.
He put his other hand on my shoulder tentatively and all the fury in me changed to a deep, aching longing. It was like a hook, dragging me on. In perfect synchronisation, we moved together
and kissed. Even as I kissed him, a million confused thoughts flitted through my brain. I wanted him, but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted to cling to him and for everything to feel
normal. I grabbed onto his hair and then started randomly thinking about how he must have had a haircut and not told me.
My head was all over the place but my body was taking over. I fell back on the bed and pulled him with me. He pushed against me and for a second I could feel him hard just on the place where
I wanted him and a ripple of pleasure ran through me. He pulled back slightly and started to kiss my neck and his hand slid up my thigh.
The next thought I had was that the shorts I was wearing were also his. It was as though the same thought struck him at the same time. His hand froze and he pulled his head up.
The spell was broken.
Max stepped backwards, rubbing the back of his head, his expression split between anger and confusion. ‘I don’t think that’s part of the new rules.’
‘No,’ I whispered.
‘I’m going to go.’
My dad had waited up in the kitchen, and when he heard me walking Max downstairs he offered to drive him home. This time, Max went.
We emerge from the cupboard like we are in a scene in a film, looking around guiltily and smoothing down our clothes. Spencer gave me the gilet to wear as a top.
We stand still and look at each other for a moment. And then start to laugh.
Gradually the laughter subsides, but the atmosphere between us still pulses.
‘You know, I didn’t get with that girl,’ he says suddenly.
Delight, relief and a strange unknown feeling surge through me.
‘I was going to,’ he admits, ‘but someone else was on my mind.’
It’s like tiny cracks are appearing in the wall I’ve put up against him. And I’m not rushing to block them.
Spencer’s script is poking out of the top of his bag. The whole time we’ve been eating our sandwiches and talking about something – possibly a band or a book
– I’ve been looking at it.
I finally agreed to a date with him. Picnic on our lunch break. Another tiny step into uncertain territory, but it feels okay to take it. So far I haven’t freaked out.
‘Can I read it?’ I ask.
‘Okay.’ He leans across the blanket and pulls his bag over by the strap. ‘But you can’t tell any—’
‘OH MY GOD! YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH JAS!’
‘Shut up!’ He laughs and tries to reach over and grab the script from me.
‘But, oh my God! That means Harry and—’
He leans over again and this time manages to prise the pages from my hands. I think he might actually be a bit annoyed.
‘It’s not like there is anyone around!’ I protest. ‘Unless that squirrel happens to be a massive fan of
The Halls
.’
He is trying to look stern still, but I see a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth.
‘Am I annoying you?’
He’s forcing the smile down again, trying to keep his frown, but his eyes are sparkling.
‘Yes, you’re very annoying. But the most annoying thing is . . .’ He looks down and then up at me again with his eyebrows crooked. ‘ . . . that it makes me want to kiss
you.’
I think I might melt.
He leans forward tentatively, gauging my reaction. I am doing my best not to go crazy-eyed and say, ‘Yes, please.’ Think I will look demure instead. What do demure people do? I think
they look sort of sad.
He’s stopped leaning in and looks a bit worried. Probably because he was about to kiss me and I suddenly looked really depressed. I give a big grin to show him I am okay. He looks really
confused now. I am ruining this. This is potentially the beginning of falling in love. It is like a scene from the show.
Oh, it’s okay, he’s leaning in again.
Wait a minute.
But the most annoying thing is that it makes me want to kiss you?
‘That’s a line from the show!’
He stops and bites his lip. ‘Do you know every bloody line from the show?’
‘YES.’
He leans back on his heels and laughs to himself. ‘You make this very difficult. How about I just kiss you to shut you up?’
‘Well, I don’t know about that.’ I barely pause. ‘Okay, go on, then.’
He grabs the back of my head and kisses me softly. Moving forward slowly, he pushes his body between my knees as I relax. This time I can’t think about anything else except wanting to feel
his weight on me. I pull at his T-shirt and he gently pushes me back onto the grass.
Spencer stops kissing me for a moment and looks down at me. His curly hair falls over his face.
‘Let’s go out.’
‘Do you mean like boyfriend and girlfriend?’
‘Yep.’
I breathe in sharply. Just see it as another tiny step. I look at him.
‘Okay.’
The sunlight comes creeping through the window in the morning and I turn my head and look back at Spencer. He has his lips slightly parted and his curly hair all messy on the
pillow.
We came back to his house last night and talked. For the first time since we met the conversation was direct. Going straight for those big, scary subjects and trying not to flinch too much.
I told him what happened six months ago, when it all fell apart. When my family went to pieces and I was the one who had to hold it all together. How I told everyone I was fine and how I’m
too scared to let someone really know me. And that it’s easier to push them away.
The only thing I didn’t tell him was about the person who was there through it all. The one I did push away.
Spencer put his arms around my waist then. ‘You kept pushing me, but I’m still here.’
I watch his eyelids begin to flutter open. I move my head, staying in the spooning position, and kiss him on the lips. I feel him tense in surprise and then his hand moves up to my face as he
pushes his lips onto mine. My body is still facing away from his and he brushes his fingers lightly over the front of me. All the way down and then back up again. And down, and then back up. The
lightness of his touch makes me squirm and I feel like I might explode. I take his hand and move it down and I feel him shift and grow hard against me. He moves his hand away and I feel him turn
behind me. There’s the sound of him fumbling with a drawer as he finds a condom. It’s only a few seconds but the wait feels agonising. And then it’s happening. It’s him
– the smell of his skin, the feel of his lips – and it feels new, different.
I put my hand up to the headboard to push back against him as he slides in and out, still touching me softly at the same time. The sweet feeling builds and spreads, until I want to cry out. I
turn to kiss him again and just as our lips meet, I start to shudder against him.
It’s different and new in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
The next day, I hand round the coffees, catching Spencer’s eye as I give him his. The air fizzes between us.
Later, as I am walking back with the lunch orders, I think I am getting a bit of a tan after my day in the park yesterday. I feel light as I walk. I’m almost skipping. I got an I Forgive
You text from Rosie and I am meeting Spencer in the cupboard at lunchtime.
The hour until lunch creeps by painfully slowly. At one point I bash my phone with my hand because I think the time might be frozen, but no. When everyone has their food, there is still ten
minutes to go until one o’clock so I just go and get in the cupboard early. I probably should be doing something useful rather than just standing in the dark and waiting, but I don’t.
And Spencer only finds it a bit scary when he joins me. He’ll have to get used to me being keen.
He’s all psyched for his scene later. His
lurve
scene as I call it. I’ve brought it up a lot since I found out about it. I think I’m a bit obsessed with it.
In the middle of when he is kissing me, I say – sort of into his mouth – ‘Do you know your lines?’
He pulls back, but his hands are still in my hair. ‘There aren’t many lines . . .’
‘Okay, do you know your
actions
?’
He sighs and moves his hands down. Now I want to grab them back and pull him to me and squeeze him. I wish I knew how to not be mental.
‘Okay, so she comes in. And then I say, “Of all the gin joints . . .”’ He says it in the deepest voice ever – like a pantomime villain – but the vibrations of
his voice still cause tingles.
‘And she says,“Shut up”, and walks up to him and kisses him.’ He stops, as if waiting for me to kiss him. But I’m thinking.
‘You should move her hair out of her face.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, and don’t tell them you are going to.’
‘Before or after the clothes come off?’
‘After.’
‘Okay.’
He steps forward and cups my face in his hands, kissing me hard. The force of it sends me backwards and then we are up against the cupboard wall. Then he stops and brushes my hair out of my eyes
with his fingers.
‘And cut,’ he says with a grin, knowing it will drive me crazy.
When lunchbreak is over, I step out of the cupboard, trying to look normal and unflustered. I think I’m doing an amazing job until I spot myself in a window and see that
my hair is all over the place. Spencer has already gone. Off to do the big scene. It is a closed set and I can’t really ask to watch without sounding like a pervert. Luckily there is
something to distract me. My phone has started buzzing in my bag.
‘Nish!’
‘Hey.’
I can’t work out her tone.
‘Do you hate me?’
There’s a beat as she thinks and I brace myself.
‘Yes, that is obvs what I was phoning to say.’
‘I’m so sorry – we had this extra scene to film and then an early start the next day and I forgot what day it was because I have the brain of an IDIOT. So Rosie got my
chocolate thing?’
‘Ha! Yeah, she did.’
‘Why “ha”?’
‘It said, I’m sorry in capitals.’
‘Yeah, I know, that’s what I asked for!’
‘No, as in the message was
I’m sorry in capitals
. The whole thing. In lower case.’
‘Oh man!’
‘On the plus side, she laughed, so I think she hates you less.’
‘Does she? I did get a text from her, and it was nice, but I don’t think she’s ever sent a not-nice text in her life so you can never be sure.’
‘What you said about coming back on your next day off, though – I think you should do that.’
Nish is always right. I did promise to come back on my next day off. And then I had a day off yesterday and spent it with Spencer. Let’s pretend that didn’t happen.
‘I have a day off on Thursday.’
I swallow the unreasonable voice that is telling me I have to be with Spencer all the time. He’ll still be here if we’re apart for the day.
Gabi has joined the conversation.
Gabi:
Okay so I have NEWS.
Nish:
Drum roll . . .
Rosie:
Oooh!
Mia:
This reminds me of the time you said you had a surprise for me in your room and when I opened my eyes you were mooning me.
Gabi:
I have sort of got together with Spencer!
Gabi:
You always bring that up, Mia, I think you liked it.
Gabi:
;)
Mia:
That or I am scarred. But hooray!
Nish:
Have you slept with him?
Gabi:
Nish, I am shocked!
Nish:
You did, didn’t you!
Gabi:
Okay, yes. It was AMAZING. Wasn’t it, Mia? Mia knows ;)