Under Pressure (4 page)

“C
ome on, come on!” Coach Berg shouted. “Let's keep it up!” He yanked the baseball cap lower on his brow. His expression was as dark as the clouds overhead.

Elise panted, struggling to return the shots Nita was firing at her. They were paired up on the field, practicing passes and returns. Elise had almost laughed when Coach announced the drill. With her newfound skills, she could have done passing games in her sleep.

But in the moment, she felt slow, clumsy, as if her veins were filled with molasses. She managed to return a few of Nita's lightning-fast passes, but many more bounced past her, forcing her to scramble for them in an embarrassing way.

What's the matter with you?
Elise scolded herself.
Get it together!
She'd taken her pills this morning like always. But she felt like her old self, not the Super Elise of the last weeks. Maybe she needed a little boost.

When Coach Berg blew his whistle, signaling the end of the drill, Elise slipped off the field. If anyone saw her, they'd just assume she was going to the bathroom. In the empty, echoing locker room, she dug through her gym bag and located her little cloth toiletry case. There, between her deodorant and a bar of soap, were three pills wrapped in plastic.
Just for emergencies
, Elise had told herself a few days ago when she'd put them in the bag.

She dry-swallowed the pills one at a time, slammed her locker door, and then ran back out toward the field. There—she'd be ready to play like Super Elise again.

Everyone was dribbling up and down the green. Elise slipped in beside Madison. She kept the ball in play between her feet, waiting for the familiar floating feeling to return to her legs. But nothing happened. And she was falling behind the others in the dribbling line, Elise realized with a little shot of panic. She ordered her feet to move faster.

“Pick it up, Elise!” Coach Berg yelled.

Her heart was pounding. She stumbled suddenly on a tuft of grass, and the ball spun out of range. A little farther down the line, Sophie shot her a concerned look.

What's wrong with me? I'm playing like I used to!
Had the pills stopped working?
No. No.
Elise pushed that thought away. She just needed to try harder. That was all.

The practice couldn't end soon enough. When Coach Berg blew his whistle, Elise followed the other girls to the locker room and collapsed on a bench. She resisted the urge to bury her head in her hands. She needed to appear as if everything were normal. Even though that couldn't be further from the truth.

“Did you see my new shorts? Like six dollars at Sports Authority!” Sophie was saying.

Elise did her best to admire the new shorts, but inside, her mind was spinning. Did she need something
more
than the pills? Maybe there was something else holding her back. Elise closed her eyes for a long moment.

When she opened them, she was staring directly at Nita's chiseled abdomen. Her teammate, clad only in a sports bra and shorts, reached over her to grab a pair of sneakers out of a locker.

The little twinge of an idea started in Elise's mind. The rest of Nita was just as chiseled as her abs. The other girls around were also pretty wiry. Elise glanced around the locker room, taking in the sculpted shoulders, the washboard abs, and sinewy legs all around her. Even Sophie's stomach was completely flat.
Unlike mine
, Elise thought. She glanced down at the roll of fat—well, not exactly
fat
but definitely extra flesh—that had always bulged over the top of her shorts. And her thighs. Elsie looked at them spread across the wood of the bench. They weren't tree trunks, but they weren't sculpted either. Wiggly. And her arms. What about that wobbly flesh on her upper arms? They were like sausages!

That was it. She needed to lose some weight. Whittle down. That would help her get her speed back. Dropping a few pounds would be just the boost she needed, especially when combined with the pills. Filled with resolve, Elise stood up from the bench, knocking her deodorant onto the floor. Sophie looked over, startled. “What's up? You're not changing?”

Elise blinked. “Oh. No, I am.” Slowly, she sat down and picked up a sock. Her mind was whirling with plans. She knew how to do it. Just cut out all the junk food, white carbs, anything fatty. She'd be faster if she wasn't carrying around extra weight. If she could drop just five pounds, maybe ten, before the scout's visit … that's all she'd need to get her edge back, probably.

“You coming?”

With a start, Elise looked up and realized the locker room was mostly empty. Sophie stood by the door, sports bag in hand.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Quickly, she pulled on the rest of her clothes.

Out in the parking lot, Sophie pulled out and took a right.

Elise took a deep breath. She didn't have a moment to spare. She had to start right then. “Um, actually, I think I should probably just go home.” She avoided the astonished look Sophie shot her.

“Are you serious? No Locopops?” Her friend's voice was incredulous. “How come?”

Elise pulled out her phone and flipped through the screen so she wouldn't have to meet her friend's gaze.

“No reason. I'm just, ah, really busy today. Trig and all.” She pretended to be very involved with a text.

“Okayyy…” Sophie pulled into a McDonald's parking lot to turn around. “Whatever you say.”

They were quiet during the rest of the ride back. Elise could sense the stiffness between them, but she didn't know how to break it without telling Sophie her secret.

In her driveway, she sprang from the car as soon as Sophie stopped.

“Okay, well, thanks for the ride!” She'd never said that before. The insincerity in her voice rang out like a gong. “Sorry about Locopops. See you tomorrow!” Elise hated the way she sounded, hated the false chirpiness. But if she lowered her mask for a second, the whole secret might come pouring out.

Sophie shrugged. “Whatever.” She turned to look through the rear window and backed down the driveway without another word.

Elise bit her lip as her friend disappeared down the street.
Remember your goal
, she reminded herself as she went up the porch steps to the house. Already, her stomach was rumbling with hunger.

At dinner that night, Elise concentrated on pushing the turkey loaf around on her plate and hiding it under her baked potato. She wanted to gulp down all the food at once, but she summoned the image of Nita's chiseled abs to strengthen her resolve. She ate three string beans and drank three glasses of water.

Her father noticed her plate as she pushed her chair back. “Are you feeling sick, E?” he asked, glancing at her over the top of his glasses.

“Elise, sit down and eat the rest of your dinner,” her mother said sharply.

“No, I can't, Mom,” Elise managed to say. “I … I'm not hungry.” Her parents wouldn't understand that cutting out some food from her diet was critical to her success. Better to not give too many explanations—they'd just argue with her.

Before they could say anything more, she whisked her plate to the sink and fled up the stairs to the sanctuary of her room.

B
reakfast the next morning was an apple. By lunchtime, Elise thought she was going to pass out on the cafeteria floor. She avoided looking at Sophie's grilled cheese and french fries. Instead, she picked at a plate of carrot sticks.

Just ten pounds
, she told herself while the french fry aroma wafted around her.

“What's the matter with you?” Sophie asked over the noise of the chaotic lunchroom. “You're not eating at all. And you look kind of … pale.” Her forehead creased as she stared at her friend.

The rumbling of Elise's stomach was intense. She felt weak, shaky. Still, she forced herself to smile.

“I—I'm just trying to lose a few pounds, that's all. Just to increase my speed, you know.” As long as no one knew about the pills.

“You're going to pass out at practice if all you eat is carrot sticks,” Sophie said, stuffing french fries into her mouth.

“I'll be okay,” Elise replied faintly. She rested her head on the table.

“Well, you don't look okay.” Sophie took a bite of her grilled cheese. “Is that why you were acting so weird about Locopops yesterday?”

Elise nodded. She didn't really have the energy to offer more of an explanation.

“Coach always says we should focus on protein and whole grains.” Sophie stuffed the crust of her sandwich into her mouth and swallowed. “You have to give your body fuel if you want to perform to the best of your ability.”

Elise looked away silently.

 . . .

Practice that afternoon was gray and muddy. The Copperheads had a scrimmage. Elise made a couple of nice plays, but her passes were way off. No one seemed very surprised. It was as though they'd all forgotten that she'd been spectacular lately.
I can do it!
She felt like shouting in frustration.
Remember? I could do it just a week ago!

She couldn't seem to catch her breath the whole practice either, even though she wasn't running that fast.

Still, when she got home and was safely locked in the bathroom, she saw she'd lost a pound and a half. Triumph surged through her. Just nine more to go. Surely she'd start seeing a difference in her play soon.

She took two of the magic pills and laid down on her bed, ignoring the unfinished trig homework next to her. She could barely keep her eyes open. By the time her mother shouted up the stairs that dinner was ready, Elise was fast asleep.

E
lise stood on the scale a week later and stared down at the numbers in disbelief. Seven pounds! It was working—all of it. She'd eaten nothing but apples and Gummi Bears yesterday. The day before that, she'd broken down and had a mocha-chip caramel cookie, but even so, she was only three pounds away from her target weight. And the scout's visit was just one week away.

In her room, Elise stripped off her T-shirt and examined herself in the full-length mirror. Her arms were definitely thinner. And her cheekbones were really visible for the first time in her life. Elise twisted right and left and watched the muscles—actual muscles—flex under her skin.

She felt a surge of joy replace her nearly constant exhaustion.
Just stay strong. One more week—and then
… She hardly dared to let herself imagine what might be possible.

There was a knock at the door, and Elise whirled around just as her mother opened the door, holding a binder.

“I didn't say you could come in!'” She held her T-shirt in front of her like a shield.

Her mother's eyes ran down Elise's arms and chest keenly. “You're losing weight,” she declared.

Elise folded her lips. “So?” She could hear the tightness in her own voice.

“Well, I don't know why you never did it before. I always thought it might help you to take off a few pounds.”

The words razored into Elise's gut. So her mom thought she was fat too. She'd thought it all along. She just never said anything until now.
She actually sounds approving. Probably for the first time in my life
, Elise thought.
Whatever. I'm not doing it for her.

“Just don't let it affect your performance on the field. That's the most important thing. The biggest day of your high school career is coming up.” Her mother's voice was crisp. Elise knew what she was talking about.

Her mother laid the binder on Elise's bed. “You forgot your U.S. history homework downstairs last night.” The door closed behind her with a sharp click.

Elise sat suddenly on the bed, feeling as if all the strength had left her legs. Pills. Time to take her pills. She reached under the mattress and pulled out the pill packets. Only six left. She ran her fingers thoughtfully over the punched-in blister pockets. She would need to order some more. Luckily, she'd written down the credit card number and expiration so she wouldn't have to sneak the card out of her mother's wallet again.

Elise snapped the lid of her laptop open and clicked on the bookmark. The fleeting thought crossed her mind that maybe she shouldn't order more—that she should just stop taking them. Then fear clutched at her. Quickly, she clicked through the buttons. She'd order seventy-five this time instead of fifty. She didn't dare play without them. As soon as she lost the rest of the weight, her skills would come back—she knew they would.

Elise clicked the laptop closed and clattered downstairs for her snack—five grapes and a Twizzler.