Under the Cornerstone (32 page)

“I don’t know. I’m not anymore though. I’m not holding back anything anymore, Johnny. I’m finding me and living the fuck out of life,” she says with a smile in her voice.

Her words touch me somewhere deep inside. My girl is finding herself. I always knew she had demons. Hell, we all do, but I guess I didn’t realize they had such a hold on her. I should’ve known that. I should’ve taken better care of her.

“I love it,” I admit.

“Hey, I made a bucket list.”

I smile and ask, “Did Jimmy help you?”

“No. But come to think of it, I should totally ask for his input.”

I immediately squash that ridiculous idea, “Don’t do that!”

“Of course I will.”

“Did you add getting arrested to your bucket list?” I ask.

“No, but in the right circumstances, I’m not opposed to being arrested,” she says.

“You do know that if you’re arrested it will be
with
Jimmy?” I remind her.

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to go to jail with anyone else.”

“You two can’t hang out unsupervised anymore,” I chastise her.

“Fuck that.”

“You’re saying ‘fuck’ a lot lately.”

“I’ve decided I really like that word.”

“It’s my favorite too,” I admit.

“You use it like a comma.”

“I don’t feel so homesick anymore, Noe,” I say with a sigh.

“Good. I can hear you now.”

I grin, “There you go again.”

“Brooklyn isn’t the same without all of your debauchery.”

“I’m sure the NYPD disagrees with you.”

“It’s been so quiet around these parts, the NYPD has begun posting ‘MISSING’ posters for Jimmy,” she jokes.

“I’ll let him know.”

“Don’t encourage him.”

Rich interrupts me by mouthing a “sorry” and announces that Leo wants a conference call at this ungodly hour. The asshole has forgotten his manners while he’s in London.

“Hey, Noely baby, I’ve got to be in on a conference call. Do me a favor?” I ask.

“What’s that?”

“Send me your bucket list?”

“Why would you want that?”

I hesitate, but finally admit, “We’ve gotta make all your dreams come true. I’d like to know everything you want in this world.”

Ryan yells at me to get off the phone. If he only knew who I was talking to right now.

“Hold on a fucking minute!” I yell at him.

“Noely baby,” I say.

“Yeah?”

“You drunk-crying on me?”

“Just teary-eyed drunk. I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, Johnny Love.”

“I think I’m liking ‘Johnny Love’. And if that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever said to you, you’ve clearly not been listening to me for fifteen years.”

“Then I’m sorry,” her voice is full of emotion.

I feel so much peace right now, so I tell her, “Don’t be sorry. Keep doing what you’re doing. Take care of you. Know I’m always here, and that I can’t wait to see the Noely I always knew was inside. She may not have shown herself to the world, but she always showed herself to me. I know you. I’ve always seen you. Okay?”

“Okay, Johnny Love.”

I chuckle at her pet name, “Good night, Noely.”

“Night, Johnny.”

And like a teenage boy, I wait for her to end the call just in case she says something else.

After that call, we text more. We talk on the phone occasionally, and I’m no longer afraid to let her know I’m stalking her social media.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Four months into the tour, and I’m fighting panic attacks every day. I fight to keep them at bay, so they don’t take over. The only time I ever feel at peace is on stage, and even then I still look for her in the crowd. I look for her in strange cities I know she isn’t in, but I look nonetheless.

One night in Mississippi, I look down to find the sweetest face. Her hair is close to the color of Noley’s, and her bright blue eyes shine up at me from the first row. I pretend she’s Noe, so I can smile and get through the show. Each time I look down at her, she smiles back at me.

Why can’t you be her?

After the show, she walks up to me and introduces herself as Anna Belle. Noely would vomit if she heard her name, but I push Noe aside as quickly as I can. Instead, I focus on this girl’s southern accent, the tan skin on her legs, the ample cleavage, and her tight skirt. I buy her a beer and find somewhere quiet to talk.

Most of what she says goes in one ear and out the other. She’s not very interesting. Maybe it isn’t her fault, when all I can do is compare her to Noles. This girl never really had a shot.

The guys join us and break out a tequila bottle. They’ve each grabbed a girl for the night, and eventually Anna Belle ends up in my lap. She’s facing away from me as she engages in conversation with everyone else. The more tequila I drink the more I’m able to pretend she’s Noe. My hands begin to rub up and down her exposed thighs, and she instantly responds to me with a moan.

I need to fuck something. I need to fuck something that looks like Noely. I can pretend it’s her. The rest of the night is a blur of my raging hard cock and soft skin. I almost stopped when she’d gotten me naked, because her voice was nothing like the one I wanted to here. I sweetly quiet her and fuck her with four months of pent up frustration, longing, and heartache. I pretend she’s Noely. It’s fucked up. I know it’s fucked, but this girl came here looking for it and it’s the only way I can get through it. It’s the only way I can pretend that she’s still mine.

I wake the next morning, still drunk as hell. I turn over in bed to find long blonde tresses spread out on the pillow.

She’s really fucking here. I smile and reach over to touch Noely’s face.

The face that turns back to look at me isn’t Noely’s. I feel sick.

“Good mornin’,” the blonde from last night says with her southern twang.

“Morning,” I reply but scoot back on the bed.

“Last night was pretty fucking amazing,” she says.

I shake my head.

Her voice is fucking me up, and the bile continues to rise.

I run into the bathroom, slam the door, lock it, and hit my knees in time to hurl into the toilet.

I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I made myself believe it was her. I’m fucking losing it.

The girl knocks at the door, “Are you okay?”

No. I’m not fucking okay. You were supposed to be her.

I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand, flush the toilet, and lean against the wall. The panic is swirling around in my chest, just waiting to be free.

“Can you get my phone?” I manage to ask her.

“Sure,” she says entirely too chipper for me.

Doesn’t she know I’m dying in here?

She knocks, and I crawl across the floor and open the door enough to take the phone from her hand.

“Thank you.”

I close the door back without looking at her face and call Jimmy.

“Better be fucking good,” he answers in a sleepy voice.

I whisper, “You’ve got to get her out of here.”

I can hear the panic in my own voice.

“Fuck,” he says, sounding more alert. “I’m two rooms down. You okay?”

“It was supposed to be her,” my voice cracks.

I push my head between my knees with the ear attached to my ear.

“I’m knocking on the door,” Jimmy says.

“Do you want me to answer the door?” the girl asks.

“Yes!” I yell through my tears.

I hear the door open, but I keep my ass on the tile floor because I can’t keep my shit together and get her out of here at the same time.

“Time to go sweetheart,” Jimmy tells her.

“What?” she asks, clearly confused.

“I’ll call you a cab while you gather your things,” Jimmy says gently.

“I’m not ready to leave!” she yells. “Johnny!”

Fuck me. I can’t do this.

“Johnny is sick. He can’t socialize right now. Why don’t you catch up with us at another show?” Jimmy asks to placate her.

“Is he okay?” she asks.

“He’ll be fine. He’s sick, and he needs to make sure you get home safely.”

Way to not make me look like the asshole I am, Jim. I say many silent thanks to my friend.

Their voices fade as the memories from last night invade me.

No, it was supposed to be Noely. What did I do?

I can’t breathe. I end up on all fours staring at the floor trying to get air into my body. I rock, not that it helps. My chest tightens, and my heart beats too fast. I continue to gasp for air. My fingers go numb first and spread up my hand.

“Easy, brother,” Jimmy breaks through.

Tears stream down my face as I try to tell him through choppy breaths, “It… it was.. supposed… to be… Noe. Noe. Noe.”

“I know,” he tells me as he makes me sit up and pushes my head between my legs. “You have to breathe. Go to your place.”

“I’m so fucked up,” I admit.

He lets out a big sigh, “We’re all fucked up. You’re no different than the rest of us. We’re all fucked up, man. You can’t keep doing this shit. You have to fix it with her.”

No other words are exchanged as I finally find my place with Noely. A place I’ve convinced myself might really exist with her on another plane. I love it here. She’s here. She’s not angry with me. I didn’t fuck us up in this alternate universe. Her soft hands reach out and touch me here, and her voice is as clear as day.

For a month, Anna Belle has blown up my phone with text messages, that have remained unanswered. I’m still not sure how the girl got my number, but she did have access to it while I was puking my guts up the morning after I fucked her.

A month later, I look down into the crowd in Orlando, Florida and find that Anna Belle took Jimmy’s advice and came out to another show. I look around the small venue for Jimmy, hoping to find him before I walk off this stage and have to deal with her myself. I almost forget the words to the fucking song I’m singing when I think about what I did that night. Rich shoots me an expression with a raised eyebrow, wondering what the fuck I just did. Luckily, he and Ryan cover me and we get back on track without anyone the wiser.

I thank the crowd and then exit the stage.

Jimmy’s standing on the side waiting for me, “Did you see her?”

I give him a knowing look, “Yeah. Did you take care of it?”

“I did,” he smiles. “But she started acting crazy as fuck. I hauled her out to the RV. She’s sitting there with Aaron drinking a jug of water.”

“She’s sitting on the RV drinking a jug of water with Aaron?” I repeat.

What an odd thing to say.

Jimmy opens a bag and pulls out a box. It takes me two seconds to realize it’s a pregnancy test.

He must see the panic in my eyes that I feel all the way down to my bones.

“Bitch doesn’t know it yet, but she’ll be taking four of these before she’s allowed off the bus,” he smiles like the devil.

I smile hopefully at him, “I wrapped up.”

He rolls his eyes, “While it isn’t 100% effective, I doubt she’s pregnant. She’s just trying to get her claws in your pretty ass.”

I let out a big sigh of worry.

“Easy. Don’t go there yet. Let her piss on the sticks first,” he claps me on the back and leads me to the RV.

Ryan hands me a bottle of tequila, and says, “I think you’re going to need this.”

I turn the bottle up and take as many gulps as I can, before I follow him and the rest of the guys on the bus.

“Johnny!” Anna Belle screams and throws herself at me.

I remove her from me by the shoulders very gently.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” she asks.

I take another pull from the bottle, nod, and lead her to the back of the bus. She attempts to close the door, but I stick my boot out and stop it from closing.

“Leave it open,” I tell her sternly.

I look up at the biggest mistake of my life and find her eyes looking down at me with uncertainty.

“Talk,” I tell her.

“I missed you,” she says with hope in her voice.

“We didn’t even spend twelve hours together. How can you miss me?”

I take another swig.

“I felt this connection to you,” she shrugs.

“It’s called fucking.”

She looks away to try to hide the stinging rejection on her face, “You didn’t feel anything for me?”

“Yeah. I was horny. I felt horny and then I felt like fucking. That’s all it was. I don’t know how you possibly read anything more into it.”

She stands there in silence for a long time while I continue to get drunk, very drunk, very quickly.

“Then let me do it for you again,” she whispers.

“I don’t think so. I’m not chancing putting my cock in you again so you can say you got pregnant again.”

“Jimmy told you?” she asks as she bites her bottom lip.

“Yep,” I slur and continue to drink.

“Then I’ll suck your dick,” she offers.

I look up at her, a woman I could never love, and one I loathe right now. I hate women that pull this pregnancy bullshit to trap a motherfucker. A woman having a uterus does not give her the right to pull this shit. I let the anger take over.

“Alright, I’ll fuck your mouth,” I tell her with venom in my voice.

She drops to her knees and wastes no time unzipping my pants and freeing my cock. I’m completely soft.