Understood (7 page)

She’d lain awake most of the night, her mind in turmoil. Ray’s announcement had shaken her badly. Brought years of shame rushing to the forefront. Suddenly her private life had been thrust into the national spotlight. But more importantly, it would be all over the small town she’d grown up in like wildfire.

All that bunk about facing the music and not hiding flew out of her mind as soon as Ray had opened his mouth and spilled their dirty secrets.

She couldn’t live this way. Couldn’t continue in a place where every time she looked in someone’s eyes she saw pity or disapproval shining in the depths.

On silent feet, she walked into the living room. She wasn’t just going to walk out on Jake without a word. She wasn’t a petulant child throwing a tantrum, and God knew, she didn’t want to worry him.

She scribbled a note and left it in a spot she knew he’d find. She told the truth. Simply that she needed some time away. Alone. To think. To come to terms with the fact that once again, Ray had upended her life.

As she walked toward the door, she was overcome by sadness. She looked back toward the bedroom where Jake lay sleeping. She missed him already, but she also knew she couldn’t stay. Humiliation curled in her stomach, unsettling her, making a mess of her emotions.

She turned around and walked out the door.

Ellie parked her car outside the Forsythe and Turner construction office, grateful that Jake’s truck wasn’t there. She’d spent the last several hours making some hard choices. The very fact that she’d already encountered a number of people only too willing to either offer sympathies or their ill will for wrecking an NFL quarterback’s career was enough to tell her she couldn’t stay here.

She walked into her office and sat down to type up her resignation letter. It was the least they deserved. It seemed rather silly to make it official when she had no intention of sticking around to serve a notice. But it made her feel better to make it less personal. If she didn’t write it, she’d be stuck trying to explain why she was leaving. Far better to simply hand in a letter and leave.

After getting together the few things she wanted to take with her, she went back out to her car and headed for where she knew Luke to be. He had a meeting at one of the job sites he managed, and he’d be there until noon. Since he and Jake split sites, she knew Jake would be elsewhere.

Ten minutes later, she got out, pulling her jacket tighter around her to shield her from the cold. She’d barely taken two steps when Luke hurried her way, a concerned expression marring his face.

“Ellie, what are you doing here? Are you all right?” he asked as he walked up.

She swallowed nervously. Then she thrust the letter at him. “I came to give you this. And to thank you.”

He looked down at the letter and slowly took it from her. Then he looked back up at her. “I don’t like your tone, Ellie. It sounds too much like goodbye.”

She shrugged, the nervous flutterings in her stomach kicking into overdrive as he opened the letter.

He swore softly under his breath then crumpled the paper in his hand.

“I won’t accept this, Ellie.”

She twisted her lips into a grimace. “You don’t have a choice, Luke. It’s what I have to do.”

“No, it’s what you
think
you have to do. Damn it, don’t do this. Don’t let that bastard win.”

“I need to go now,” she said softly.

He reached out a hand to stop her. “Wait. Just for a minute. Please.”

She gave him a puzzled look. “Why?”

He relaxed and looked at a point beyond her shoulder. She turned to see Jake tearing up the drive of the construction site.

She rounded on Luke. “You called him.”

“As soon as I saw you pull up,” he admitted. “He’s worried sick about you, Ellie. You owe it to him to give this to him face-to-face. Not hide behind me.”

She looked away. Luke leaned over and pulled her into a hug. He kissed her cheek.

“I want you to be happy.”

He gave her another squeeze then turned and walked away as Jake approached.

She watched as Jake closed the distance between them. Worry darkened his face. He looked as if he hadn’t gotten any more sleep than she had the night before.

“Ellie, you had me worried,” he chastised. “Don’t ever do that again.”

He pulled her roughly into his arms and held onto her for a long moment.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked as he pulled away.

“I came to give Luke my resignation,” she said quietly.

“What?”

She didn’t respond.

“What the fuck is going on, Ellie?”

He prodded her chin up with his fingers when she wouldn’t look at him.

“I need to get away for awhile,” she whispered. “I can’t stay here. Not now.”

“So you’re running,” he said flatly.

She winced. “Maybe I am, Jake, but it’s something I have to do. I can’t stay here. It’s already started. The pity, the judgment, the anger that I fucked up Ray Hatcher’s career. I actually had someone stop me and say that if I had been more of a woman, maybe Ray and I wouldn’t have had problems. Can you believe that?”

“Yes,” he said calmly. “People say and do stupid shit all the time. That doesn’t mean you let them run your life.”

“I can’t stay, Jake.” She barely managed to say it without her voice cracking. “You’re right in one aspect. I haven’t really dealt with what happened. I just existed from one day to the next, ignoring the fall-out, wishing it would just go away. And it
hurts
.”

He slid a hand up her arm then over her shoulder to her neck. “I know you hurt, Ellie. God knows I’d do anything to make the pain stop. But this isn’t going to help. You’re running from me, and
that
hurts
me
.”

She looked helplessly up at him.

“I’m torn,” he admitted. “Half of me wants to make you stay. To drag you home with me and never let you go. The other half wants to let you go because I’d never do anything to hold you back.”

She leaned into his arms and rested her forehead on his chest. “I love you, Jake. Really, I do.”

“I know you do,” he said quietly. “And I wish it was enough that I loved you.”

He cupped her shoulders in his hands and held her away from him. “Just know something, Ellie. Wherever it is you end up, whenever you get tired of running, know that I’ll be here waiting for you to come home.”

This year, he thought he’d finally gotten what he wanted. Ellie. In his arms, his bed, but more importantly, as a permanent part of his life.

His gaze fell to the lone Christmas present under the tree. An engagement ring he’d bought for Ellie a few days ago. Ironically enough, the day before she’d left town.

Three days. Three days of self-recrimination. Of loneliness and a sense of loss he could never hope to recover from.

In that time he’d argued with himself countless times. He shouldn’t have let her go, let her walk away. But what choice had he had? He loved her too damn much to ever stand in her way.

He closed his eyes and brought his hands up to his face. How on earth could he face this Christmas without her? Knowing that every Christmas from now on, he’d view it as a reminder of all he’d lost.

Grief, raw and aching, razored through his system. He’d never loved another woman, and he knew without a doubt, he wouldn’t again. Not like Ellie.

The doorbell rang, wrenching him from his torment. He didn’t want company. Especially not if it was Luke or the others coming over to spread their obnoxious Christmas cheer.

He sat there for a moment willing the intruder to go away. He had no desire for anyone to see him in this state. Big Jake Turner, former NFL star, reduced to a quivering mass of agony.

When the doorbell rang again, he swore and shoved himself up from the couch. He stalked over to the door, in a hurry to get rid of whoever it was. Only when he opened the door and saw who was standing on the doorstep, he forgot all about making her leave. Forgot everything but the fact that Ellie stood there staring nervously up at him.

She shivered and he hastily pulled her inside.

“You’re going to freeze to death,” he said as he pushed her toward the fireplace.

It was a lame greeting but he couldn’t think of one single thing to say to her. He was excited and scared out of his mind all at the same time. Had she come back? Or was she simply here to collect her things and clear out her house? He couldn’t stand another goodbye. Not when it would tear his guts right out to watch her walk away again.

He wanted to touch her, taste her, take her to bed and make love to her until she never wanted to leave again.

“How have you been?” he asked.

She bit her bottom lip and looked at him with wide blue eyes. Eyes that reflected clear uncertainty. Was she worried he’d kick her out?

She looked down and pulled a small gift-wrapped box from her pocket and held it out to him. Her hands trembled, making the ribbon on the present wiggle about.

“What’s this?” he asked dumbly as he took the box.

“Open it,” she said.

He untied the ribbon and tore off the paper. It dropped to the floor as he fumbled with the box. When he opened it, he saw a single piece of paper inside.

Slowly, he drew it out and unfolded it. In her neat handwriting she’d written:

There isn’t a box big enough to hold my love for you. But it will always belong to you. As I will
.

He folded the paper back up reverently, afraid to believe the implications of what he’d read. He looked back up at her, searching her face for some sign of what was going through her beautiful head.

“Do you mean it, Ellie?”

She looked back at him, so much love reflected in her clear blue eyes. Tears filled them, threatening to spill over her lids.

“Do you still want me, Jake?” she whispered.

Ellie watched as a multitude of emotions crossed his face. Then he grabbed her with both hands and yanked her into his arms. He crushed her to him, holding her tightly.

“God, Ellie, of course I still want you. I’ve always wanted you. Where have you been, sweetheart? Promise me you’ll never leave like that again.”

She pulled away and smiled up at him. “I know I’ve been an idiot, Jake, and I’m sorry. But I had to get away for awhile and clear my head. I was so mired in humiliation and shame that I couldn’t see what was important. And what was important, the only thing that mattered in the end, was that you loved me.”

“I do love you,” he growled. “So damn much.”

She sucked in her breath and knew she had to say everything, get it out so she could put it behind her. “For so long, I lived with such shame. I blamed myself for the things Ray did. Even though I knew he was a bastard and that nothing I could have done would have changed that, I still couldn’t look logically at it. All I knew was that I felt dirty, and that I never wanted anyone to know my secrets. It was bad enough that you had seen me at my worst moment, but I couldn’t bear for the rest of the world to know.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Jake said in a voice that sounded like his heart was breaking.

“I never wanted anyone to know what really happened,” she admitted. “If Ray hadn’t gone public, I would have gone to my grave with those secrets. It’s probably wrong of me, but I couldn’t wipe away the shame I felt. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to face people who knew the truth. Didn’t want to see the pity or the scorn. So I ran, thinking if I could go away someplace where nobody knew me, I wouldn’t be so humiliated, I wouldn’t feel so hurt. I was wrong. It was all still there only now I was faced with losing the one person in my life who loved me even knowing of all those terrible things.”

“What changed your mind?” he prompted.

She chanced a look back into his eyes. “You did,” she said softly. “I don’t want to live without you, Jake. And I can stand anything as long as you’re mine. I’ve been a terrible coward, but not any longer. I won’t let my pride ruin the best chance I’ll ever have at love.”

He cupped her face in his hand and tenderly pressed his lips to hers. Warmth spread through her frozen heart. She began to rapidly thaw from the days of isolation and pain. She moaned a desperate, needy sound as she twined her arms around his neck and returned his kiss for all she was worth.

His other hand dug into her hair, and his body moved urgently against hers. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said hoarsely. “If you ever try to leave me again, Ellie, I won’t be so understanding. I’ll drag your ass back home where you belong and I’ll tie you to my bed for a week.”

She smiled as their foreheads touched. “In that case, I might stage a runaway.”

He smacked her on the ass, but his face had dissolved into an expression of relief. Suddenly his eyes gleamed, and he smiled broadly.

“Wait here. I have something for you.”

She watched as he hurried over to the tree and bent to retrieve the single present lying underneath. He returned to where she was standing and held out the gift.

“I bought this for you before you left. I wasn’t sure I’d have a chance to give it to you, but I kept it in case.”

The paper crinkled under her fingers as she lifted the edge and tore. Inside the square box was a jeweler’s box. Her hand shook as she pulled it out. She looked up at Jake then back down at the small box.

“Go on,” he said huskily.

She pried the lid open to see a diamond solitaire glitter back at her. “Oh…”

Her gaze shot up to Jake’s face.

“Will you marry me, Ellie?” he asked in a gruff voice. “God knows I’ve waited long enough for you. Will you put me out of my misery and promise to take care of me until I’m old and gray and incontinent?”

She laughed and threw her arms around his neck, the box still gripped in one hand. “That was the worst proposal I’ve ever heard!”

He pulled her from his neck and looked at her with such serious eyes that her heart leapt and stuttered.

“I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. I don’t want to ever lose you again, Ellie. Not even for a day. I want you to marry me so we can grow old together and have our children drive us insane. I can’t imagine my life any other way.”

Tears shimmered in her vision. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Jake. I can’t imagine being crazy with anyone else.”

The Christmas tree twinkled in their periphery.

“I’ll even let you keep your damn colored lights,” she said.

He threw back his head and laughed. “Do I get the flashing kind to go outside?”

“Don’t push your luck,” she grumbled. “We’ll let the kids vote on whether or not we turn our house into a neon sign.”

“Now that is an idea I can deal with,” Jake said. “What do you say we start on the tie breaking vote right now?”