Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) (15 page)

I have nothing to do tonight (as usual) so I am going to buy some beer and curl up with this shocking list. I will reflect on it and then Monday I will talk it over with Paul. It was so cool of him to take the time to write it for me. My father never did anything this generous and thoughtful. Come to think of it, I don’t think anyone else has either. Paul is truly special.

I was bored this cold winter afternoon so I called Joel Seidler. I was hoping he would have some insightful opinions about the list of bitter truths that I could use for when I talk to Paul. When I was done reading them out loud, Joel asked me where they came from. I told him and he said “Oh, shit. He wants to have sex with you.” I told him he was soooooo wrooong! Then he asked me if I had found a good therapist yet and I replied “Oops, call waiting! It’s my mom! Talk soon! Bye!”

Barrack Obama kicked major ass in the South Carolina primary election tonight. I watched his whole acceptance speech so I could discuss it Monday with Paul. His main
topics are basically hope and change. He makes the future seem amazing. He inspires young people to feel like anything’s possible! I so deeply want to believe he’s right. I hope nobody murders him before I get a chance to vote.

I just wrote a fistrate blog about the ten bitter truths and then dleted it by acident. I am a insipid drunk gyrl. A reel non-starter. Not sublime at all. And no way a pardox. I hop no hangover tomorrow!

I’ve been home from work for ten seconds and I am already writing to you. There is no one else in the whole world I can talk to about this.

Shit. Knock on door. Stand by.

It was my mom, wondering why I ran up the stairs so fast. I told the nosy bitch my bladder was full.

Okay, here goes. Everything was totally normal when I got to work this morning. Margaret was upstairs feeding Cole. Paul was reading his
Wall Street Journal
and sipping his coffee with two sugars and a splash of low-fat milk. At 8:30 I
took Cole out for his morning walk. Two minutes later he made the biggest poo ever. I knew because I could smell it even outside in the wind. It’s terrible to let a baby sit in his dirty diaper for too long, especially one who has a butthole as sensitive as Cole’s, so I turned the stroller around and ran home. As soon as I walked in the back door with Cole, I knew something was wrong. I could just feel it. The silence was tense and massive. Like in a horror movie when the music suddenly stops and you know some seriously scary shit is about to go down. Then I heard yelling upstairs. It was Paul. This shocked me because he is the last person in the world I would expect to yell about anything.

He was saying something like “What? No! I don’t expect you to be perfect! That’s all in your head! I just expect you to keep your word!”

She yelled back “Jesus Christ! Stop being so dramatic! It’s only a couple more hours a day!”

“That’s an eternity for a baby!”

“Bullshit! Don’t tell me a few extra hours is going to destroy him! Kids are so much more resilient than you think! I am so sick of you telling me how to raise our child!”

“He’s not a child! He’s an infant! You’re his whole universe! And now suddenly he’s only going to see you for a few hours in the morning and a few at night and you think that’s not going to be traumatic?”

“Only for you. Get out of my way!”

“Don’t walk away from me!”

“I’ll do as I please! You’re not my god damn father!”

“Yeah I know that. Do you?”

“Fuck off!

I heard Margaret walking down the stairs. I grabbed Cole’s diaper bag off the counter and ran back outside. I hurried into the garage and laid the diaper mat on the hood of Paul’s BMW. I laid Cole on the mat and performed the fastest diaper change in history. What was really lucky and amazing was that he didn’t cry at all. I threw away the dirty disgusting diaper then ran outside and strapped Cole back in his stroller. The front door slammed. I saw Margaret walking to her car which was parked out front. I think she was crying. As soon as she drove away I wheeled Cole down the driveway as fast as I could. The back door slammed. I turned my head around and saw Paul walking into the garage. I ran away before he pulled out.

Finishing the walk, all I could think about was that the Spooners have a hidden world I know nothing about. Obviously a lot of the ways that Margaret raises Cole are not her idea at all. They are Paul’s. For all I know she hates RIE and hates sharing their bed with the baby. Maybe she doesn’t even want to breastfeed him. Maybe she hates being a perfect homemaker too. I have no idea. But it’s pretty obvious she is not happy and really misses her decorating work. I
don’t blame Paul for being pissed. You think you married one person and then they turn out to be somebody else. What a painful shock.

I am remembering Paul’s bitter truth #5:
Marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married.

At lunch Paul returned from work carrying two big salads. We ate them watching
Sports Center
while Cole bounced in his bouncy chair. I knew any minute Paul was going to bring up Margaret and I was right. He looked nervous and said that for the next six weeks or so, instead of working from 10:00 until 2:00 Maggie would be working from 10:00 to 6:00. It turned out this job was a lot more involved than she thought. Paul said he would help out with Cole as much as possible but he would really appreciate it if I could give them an extra couple of hours a day.

“No problem,” I replied. “As much as you need.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I’ve got no life.”

“Thanks so much. I owe you one.”

“One what?” I asked all big-eyed and innocent but with a naughty smile.

He wagged a finger at me like “You are so bad.”

We both laughed then went back to crunching our salads. We didn’t talk much for a while. We just watched the sports highlights. We were both excited and embarrassed at the
joke I made. A few minutes later I looked over at him and his beautiful brown eyes looked very sad. I don’t think he ever thought his gorgeous dream wife would disappoint him like this. He probably thinks that if she was really happy being a mother and a wife, she wouldn’t have agreed to such long hours.

If I was married to a rich awesome man like Paul, I’d stay home barefoot and pregnant and never stop smiling. She is ungrateful.

I think Paul is 100% correct about Cole. A baby can’t be with his mother every single minute and then suddenly hardly see her for two months and not have it royally mess up his head. Margaret is Cole’s whole universe! He eats from her body! Plus it’s hard for a man, no matter how good he is at taking care of babies, to do it alone. They only have so much patience. The fathers, I mean. The babies have pretty much none. That’s why for Cole’s sake I will give Paul as many hours as he needs.

We did not discuss the ten bitter truths today. He forgot about them and I was too shy to bring them up. Besides, the whole day was one!

Why are so many of you writing to me like you’re brilliant detectives who have uncovered the most spectacular scandal in the history of mankind? I admit it, okay? I’m infatuated with Paul. There, feel better? Shit, you don’t have to be a genius to figure that out. But what does it matter? Why even mention it? I’m not Jade. I don’t bone every guy I am attracted to, and I sure as hell don’t bone guys who are taken. (Remember, I didn’t find out about Martine until it was too late.) But even if I was the kind of girl who slept with married men, no way would Paul do it. I’m 18 and he’s 44 and he’s my boss.

Margaret got home late today, closer to 7:00 than 6:00. She and Paul were nice to each other but I knew they hadn’t recovered from their fight. Their smiles were phony. I acted all chipper like I didn’t notice anything was wrong. Before I left, Margaret asked me if I was really going to be okay working so many extra hours. I said absolutely yes, not a problem.

Then I got brave and said “What about you? Are you going to be okay being away from Cole for so long?” She looked scared for a sec then said “I think so.” I started to get my coat but she stopped me and said “This is an important client, Katie. He’s the first person who hired me when I was just starting out. He’s sent a ton of work my way. It’s the only reason I agreed to it.”

The whole thing felt weird. Why was she defending herself to me? I’m just a kid. I smiled really sweetly and said, “Yeah, I figured it was something like that.”

Phone ringing. Somebody loves me. Stand by.

Just Joel. He has texted or called me at least 20 times since our talk on Saturday. I never get back to him but he doesn’t give up. In his messages he says he is worried about me and just wishes I would let him know I’m alive. That’s such bull. He just wants to have another heavy talk. I am blowing him off because I haven’t called a psychiatrist yet.

Paul hung out with me and Cole today from about 12:00 until 3:00 when he went upstairs to check his email. Except for little interruptions when I had to comfort Cole or change his diaper, we talked pretty much the whole time. We discussed many topics but mostly my favorite one. Me!

You won’t believe the risk I took. I told Paul the truth about my recent depression. Crazy, I know. At first I just told him that there was this 26-year-old guy named Dan I used to fool around with every couple of weeks and that he dumped
me and it really hurt my feelings. When it was obvious that Paul wasn’t judging me at all, I told him Dan’s true age (32) and then I slowly added more and more details. When I finally revealed the fact that Dan and I had actually made love, Paul looked really shocked. But before he could say anything, we heard this pretty little sound. We looked over at Cole’s basket and saw him laughing for the very first time. (He laughs when he is dreaming but this was the first time awake.) The laughter came out of him almost like hiccups. The most innocent darling sound you’ve ever heard. Paul was so happy there were tears in his eyes. He is such a sensitive man!

I went back to my story. When I got to the final phone call when I told Dan that he could call me for sex anytime he wanted, Paul shook his head and said “Sweet little suburban Katie. A vixen. Who knew?”

I asked him if vixen meant slut.

He laughed. “I would never call you a slut. The day I’m perfect I’ll starting judging other people.”

I pretended to be really disappointed. “You mean you’re not perfect?”

“Nope, I just look perfect. At least I did until Cole was born. Then I stopped going to the gym.”

He slapped his stomach and we both cracked up.

It might be just my imagination but I think after this talk Paul immediately started seeing me differently. I was walking
to the fridge to get a Diet Coke and I caught him staring at my ass with a really serious look on his face.

Jade just texted me:
Missin’ you, girl!
I wrote back:
Die, ho!

A reader named CohenEliza sent me a pic of two cute little mice having sex on a mousetrap right near the cheese. The bar is pulled back, ready to crush them in two if they move even a millimeter. In the subject line she wrote
You and Paul.
You’re pretty funny, CohenEliza. Shame about the slysdexia, though.

Hahaha! I just woke up and look at this hilarious email I got!

Hilarious, Mr. Humbert from Georgia, but you should not assume that just because Paul and I enjoy each other and I caught him looking at my ass, that we are going to have sex. If I had sex with every man who liked my ass, I would be dead of AIDS.

Last night Merci Gregoris called and invited me to go out drinking, which surprised me because the last time we spoke
she basically called me an embarrassing alcoholic. Since I’ve been a really good gyrl lately (in case you hadn’t noticed), I said okay, even though I hate her.

I met Merci at a loud sports bar that smelled of throw-up. She was sitting on her gigantic ass at a round table with two other silly sorority twats and four ginormous dumb jocks. So that’s why I was invited. They were one twat short! I knew if I was going to have any fun with these losers I would have to create it for myself, so I slammed a shot of vodka before I even said hello to them. Then I let them buy me two more.