UNFORGETTABLE (Able Series Book 3) (24 page)

I’m told to wash my hands, wear a mask, gloves, and gown before entering the NICU; but nothing could have prepared me for seeing my son inside a glass case. I allow my eyes to roam the different cuffs and sticky pads on his little arms, legs, and chest that have wires that connect to monitors on top of the IV lines without looking at his face. I want his face to be the last place my eyes land. While seeing him with all the stuff attached to him crushes my heart, what brings me to my knees for the third time today is seeing his small face and his fragile body. A body that should have still been inside his mother’s womb, but is now encased in a sterile emotionless unfeeling cocoon.

“Talk to him, he can hear you. He’ll recognize your voice, Daddy. He can also feel your touch, lay your hand on his back, be firm yet gentle, okay?”

So, I do. I put my hands through the openings. As soon as I make contact even with my gloves, I feel his warmth, and I hope he feels mine, too. I can’t help it, my tears fall without warning, and I talk to my son . . . for the very first time—face to face.

“Hey, it’s Daddy. You remember my voice? I know you like mom’s the best . . . I like her voice the best, too. I need you to breathe for your old man, okay? I’d give you my own if I could, and it hurts me that I can’t. For every breath you take, my pain eases some. I know I’m being selfish in asking you to please breathe for me—breathe for Mommy knowing that sometimes fighting gets too tiring. My heart is tired too, Son, but I won’t rest; I’ll stay here with you until we take you home. We love you, little man.”

How much more could a heart take? I ask this question because the second I stop talking to my son, shit starts beeping and someone has to literally shove me out of the way. I feel so helpless and hopeless at this very moment seeing them working on my son’s little body. I ask myself at what point do I say enough is enough?

“When is enough—enough?” I whisper to myself.

I’m numb.

I’m broken hearted.

I’m afraid.

I’m tired.

I’m in love with my wife.

I’m in love with my son.

I’m praying.

I’m hoping.

I’m asking.

I’m pleading.

I’m a lot of these things, but above all else, I’m a husband and a father. A husband whose heart is bleeding, awaiting to hear from his wife. A father whose heart is fearful of what the outcome would be for his son.

I.feel.so.alone.

A warm hand touches my arm and shoulder. I look up to find a nurse, maybe the same age as my mother, looking intently at me with her eyes on fire.

“Don’t let the beeping sound scare you into giving up. Yes, his body is fragile–tiny, but his heart is beating. His little body needs a little help, a little push, a lot of love, a lot of patience, and a never ending flow of hope. His little heart wants to fight, and he’s doing his share; so let’s do ours.”

“Are you the nurse assigned to my son?” I ask with a shaky voice.

With a smile and a nod she answers, “For tonight, yes. I’m Nancy, the head nurse in the NICU. And these babies . . .” She moves her arms from left to right. “They’re my babies to watch over. They breathe, I do my job. They fight for every breath, I’ll fight longer. So to answer your question when is enough, enough? My answer to that is when it’s done.”

Then she walks away without saying anything else, leaving me confused by what she said, ‘when it’s done.’ I say that phrase over and over in my head as I walk back to face my son.

Putting my hands all the way through the holes I gently lay my hand on my son’s back, then our conversation begins. “You scared me there, buddy. I wish I could hold you, wrap your tiny body in my arms just to feel you. How I wish your Mama were here to comfort you. There’s a lot of things I want . . . I want to see you walk, I want to hear you talk, I want to teach you how to play football. I want you out of here and in our home. I want it all, Son. I know you want it too. . . . just. . . . keep fighting.” My eyes are glued to his face, memorizing every contour just in case. I shrug that ‘just in case’ thought out of my brain because it’s a poison that kills hope.

I remain silent for a couple of minutes, allowing the beeping of machines to calm my weary soul. When you’re in a hospital, time is your worst enemy. It goes so slow when all you want is for everything to speed up. I’m waiting for someone to tell me Tami is in her room at the same time that I’m waiting for the damn machines to make their god awful noise.

I’m surprised to see Jake wearing the same get up as I am with a determined look in his eyes standing across from me.

“She’s awake, man. Go to her.”

Looking at my son, my heart again is pulled in two different directions wanting me to choose, again. I hate choosing. Not when it’s over the two people that have my heart.

“I don’t want to leave him, Jake. I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to be scared. Tami wouldn’t want him to be scared.”

“That’s why I’m here, B. I’ll stand next to him. I’ll stand, and I won’t leave him for as long as you stand next to my sister, I’ll be right here. He’s in good hands.”

I give him a nod while still looking at my son with my hand still on his back. I glance Jake’s way as I tell him, “Slide your hand over mine when I pull my hand off him. I don’t want him to feel that I’ve left him.”

As soon as my hand is replaced by Jake’s, I still watch him closely to catch a glimpse of some sort of movement. Maybe a tick of a muscle or something, but there’s nothing. He’s so still laying there with his eyes closed.

He just stays—as someone stays alongside him. With a heavy heart, I turn to go to my wife whose beating heart will rejuvenate mine.

TAMI

IT’S BEEN THREE LONG MONTHS
, and now, the wait is over. We’re bringing Dominic home. I let those words roll in my mouth a couple of times, and the more I repeat them, the more my smile grows. Finally. Finally! I almost want to shout it from the roof top because we’ve waited for this time for so long, but since when has life ever been cooperative with me or anyone.

While getting ready to pick up Dominic I remember the first time I ever held him. Old emotions begin to stir and wreak havoc in my belly, but they’re feelings I can’t and will never forget. They made me who I am today . . . they deepened the relationship Brian and I have. They strengthened the bond between my family and his. They’re little blessings in one of the darkest times in my life. These blessings are playing like a song in my mind. Memories I’ll treasure to feed my soul when doubt creeps in from time to time.

“I need to see him. Will you take me?”

“Are you sure? How about tomorrow?”

Closing my eyes as tears of frustration roll down my face, I start begging, “I need to see my baby. I don’t care if I have to crawl or walk, just get me there, please. I’ve been here, in the recovery room for God knows how long. I . . . I just want to see my son, please.”

With his jaw ticking in frustration, I try to calm myself. If everyone else gets to see my Dominic, I need to see him too. I need him as much as he needs me.

“Let me get the nurse, okay?” He turns to leave, but turns back and says, “So, help me, if you move a single muscle, I’ll chain your ass on that bed. I can only deal with so much before I break, T. Please, don’t test me.”

I mumble, “I’m staying, so get going!”

“Oh gosh, the rhyming is only for me, Tami!” Neil answers as he crosses his leg.

“I’m surprised they allowed two in here. Did you bribe someone, Neil?”

Neil waits until Brian closes the door then answers, “Everyone is worried about Brian. He hasn’t eaten anything at all, Tami. That guy is running on pure will power.” Sighing loudly he continues, “The paternals forcefully told the maternals to eat, so they’re at the cafeteria. Trish and Roxy went home to feed the quaking chickens in the hen house with Cody. Jake is with the baby, and I’m here to babysit your hubby.”

Shaking my head, I smile as excitement pours over my body in anticipation of finally meeting my son. I know it’s not the usual, you can hold and breathe him in, type of meeting, but it’s good enough for me. If it means just seeing him with my own two eyes, I’ll settle for that.

Brian walks in smiling at me. “They’re ready to take you to your room . . .”

I don’t let him finish, and my lips are already shaking as tears threaten to fall. Instead of getting frustrated like he did earlier, he leans toward me, gives me a few pecks on my lips as he holds my face with both hands. “If you’ll only let me finish,” he says as he shakes his head. “I asked if we could take a detour so you could see him, and they said ‘no problem.’ Are you ready to see our son? He . . .” he stops for a second, searching my eyes. All I want is to get out of this room, straight to my son. “He’s so tiny, angel, with wires and stuff attached to him. I . . . I need you to be prepared. Are you?”

“I’m ready. Please, take me to him.”

He nods, still wearing that worried look on his face. Two orderlies walk in and start wheeling me out of the recovery bay with Brian at my side and Neil behind us. We pass this long white hallway, then make a turn, then another, and finally we stop. One of the orderlies puts the bed in an upright position allowing me to sit up and see through the glass window.

The moment I see my brother patiently standing guard over my son, my tears flood my face as Brian holds both of my hands. My eyes wander past Jake, and my little, tiny baby boy inflates my heart so big I’m afraid it’s going to burst any second. A mixture of hope and fear flow in and out of me at lightning speed both plaguing my heart and mind.

My lips continue to quiver, and my voice cracks when I ask, “C—can you move mm-my bed as close to the wall as possible?” I turn my head to ask the man who’s next to me.

He nods and motions for his partner to help him. Brian and Neil move out of their way, and in a few seconds, I find my bed flush against the glass window. Brian helps me to sit up. His arms around my shoulders as I slowly lay my hand flat on the window, praying with all my might for my son to feel a little of me . . . of my presence in the little amount of time I’m allowed to be here.

“I hope he can feel me, Brian. I want to touch him.”

“See Jake’s hand on him, that’s your touch, baby. He’s feeling you right now. He feels your love. He feels your presence.” He slowly rests his hand over mine then says, “I have to believe that for him. But more than anything, I’d like you to believe it, too. He needs us to believe it. We’ll stand right here, all day everyday on this wall . . . until it’s done.”

“Until it’s done.” I whisper back.

“Are you ready?”

My husband’s voice makes me jump like a Chihuahua. I playfully glare at the man whose voice clearly scared the living daylights out of me and out of my thoughts too. “God! Will you knock next time? You scared me!”

“I can’t wait. I want to leave, right now. Please, tell me you’re ready to leave?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah . . . I’m ready.”

Once again, seeing baby furniture in our room makes my eyes water. The reality sinks in that Dominic will be in this room in a matter of hours. We’re finally bringing him home—home.

“I can’t wait to see him in here with us. To see you in that rocker feeding my son while I watch you both. To finally hold him without wires. To smell his breath . . . to just breathe him in without the smell of the hospital around us. I’ve been waiting for this day, and thank God, it’s finally here.”

“Our forever at long last is going to start,” I whisper against his chest.

I can feel him shaking his head as he says, “No, our forever started when you became mine. We just hit a bump in the road, but our forever didn’t stop, angel, even with all the sleepless nights, worries that consumed our hearts and minds . . . we moved, baby.” Cupping my face he says, “
You
—
you
make me move,
Dominic
makes me move. Our love makes me move. I’ll move until I can’t, and even then, I promise you if I get there first, I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Who would have thought that a cougar like me would end up with a guy much younger than I am who has a much older soul than anyone I’ve ever known? I.love.you.”

“And I.love.you.”

Just when he’s about to kiss me again, Roxy walks in holding a very wide awake Corey with Cody in tow. Close behind is Jake holding Jaelin, and Trish bringing up the rear with Trevor.

“Oh wow! Jaelin, sweetheart, please close your eyes. You’re not to witness any kind of lip locking. Trevor, you’re about to witness how to properly kiss a girl. Brace yourself, buddy; you’re about to witness Uncle B act like a badass!”

“Cody!” Everyone except the kids yells out.

“Oh sh—-. . . . I mean shoot!”

“Baaad-aaaaasssh,” Trevor yells out.

Trish rolls her eyes and takes Trevor out of the room before he repeats anymore words coming from Cody’s filthy mouth.

My dad whistles, which stops Cody’s x-rated rant and makes all of us swing our gaze toward the door. “What’s going on here? We’re waiting outside, and you kids are having a meeting, right now?” My dad shakes his head then says, “Let’s go, Tami! I have a grandson to pick up. And Roxy, Corey looks like he’s hungry!”