United Service (26 page)

But, she was a virgin.

Most of the women in his past were one–time hookups, and that’s all they ever wanted from him. Hell, the fleeting encounters were all he ever wanted from them as well. He couldn’t even remember having a real conversation with any of them in the last several decades. He couldn’t remember their names, their faces, or anything other than how his body had been healed after he was through with them. God, he hated the thought.
“Through with them.”
The words sounded over and over in his mind. He was a user, and he now knew the truth. A slut
and
a user. Never did he hurt or physically abuse any of the women. He never compelled them to sleep with him, but he always compelled them to forget him afterward. He treated all those women fairly well. He gave them exactly what they had wanted from him, and he took what he needed from them.

Sterling turned back and gazed at Kate. She was beautiful and sexy. He sullied himself over all these years and had reduced lovemaking down to just another damn reason to take your pants off.

Kate stood up and took a step towards him. The white robe swayed with her movements and disclosed small sections of her beautiful skin to him. “Sterling,” she touched his face. “I don’t want you to stop. I want to continue.”

Oh God, he had never taken anyone’s virginity before. He stiffly backed up a few feet until the back of his legs bumped into the dresser causing the melted ice in the ice bucket to slosh against the champagne bottle. He felt unworthy of her. “You … ah,” he began, but then cleared his throat. Continuing in a cracked, soft voice he said, “I understand.”

When she approached him and reached for his hand, he tensed up. He jammed his hands into his armpits and lowered his eyelids as though inspecting the floor. “I’ve never taken someone’s virginity before, Kate.”

Kate remained silent, so he glanced back up at her. He watched as she studied him.

“You probably weren’t expecting this, but what’s wrong?” She asked. When he only stared at her, she pointed to his guarded stance. “Sterling, if you were on the floor you’d be in a fetal position.”

He shook his hands and rolled his shoulders to help him relax. The movements didn’t work. Never in his life had he thought he’d be in this situation. She was already back to her base age thanks to the blood, but, when it came to vampires, ages were hard to determine. “When were you born, Kate?”

“Twenty–two years ago.”

He couldn’t believe anyone could still be a virgin at such an age. Not sure what to say, he slowly nodded and let the situation sink in.

Kate reached for his hands, but he didn’t respond. “Make love to me, Sterling.”

Sterling stepped away from her knowing he was the one holding back. He needed to think without her touch persuading him. Of course, most of his blood was not in his big head at the moment. He watched her hands ball into fists, her eyes returned to gray, and she began to lose control of her body as her hands reached out to touch his shoulder. He grabbed her arms to help her.

Sterling knew if he continued, Kate would be in pain because of him. There would be no way to put the barrier up to protect her from the pain. Or would the barrier make the experience worse? In any event, Kate deserved better than a half–breed slut. “Kate, I’m not worthy of being yours, or anyone’s, first. Please believe me,” he said, holding her hands so she could sense them.

“What on earth makes you
unworthy
?”

Sterling noticed Kate’s body was still not under her control. He moved to the bed and lay down. Next, he rolled onto his back and invited her into an embrace. Now with her cradled in his arms, his brown eyes stared at the ceiling, fixed on a point mentally far away. She shifted her body closer to his. Her left arm wrapped around his chest and her head cradled on his shoulder. “Sterling? Are you all right?”

He blinked in response. He pursed his lips and swallowed. “Yeah. I’m fine. … I don’t want you to think back on your first time with regrets. I already told you I’m a half–breed.”

He knew she had glanced up, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Sterling, I don’t care that your mother was human. You’re a vampire. Being a half–breed doesn’t make you less to me.”

She seemed so young, so naive. “It matters to most vampires. My Aunt lost an engagement because of me.” He didn’t want to be in this situation. He never regretted having a human mother. If she had lived, he suspected he would have loved her. “Whether it matters to you now or not, it may matter to you in the future. You’ll be tainted because of me.”

“The world doesn’t care about half–breeds. Only you seem to care.” She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head to the side as if to study him. “You’ve never been with a vampire before, have you?”

He cleared his throat. “No. I’ve only known a few female vampires. Let’s just say I got very familiar with rejection.”

She caressed his arm, as if considering his skin issues. “You’ve been with many humans, haven’t you?”

He didn’t want to answer her question. He lay in bed holding this beautiful, intelligent, caring–as–hell vampire who was as pure as the blessed rain that fell from heaven. He felt like a filthy, torn rag next to fine, white linen. “You don’t even want to know how many.” He watched as she looked away from him. He felt like he was a disappointment to her. He wanted to explain, to not seem like such a whoring bastard, but that’s exactly what he was.

“Like I told you, the pain I endure when I touch objects makes my skin feel like it’s on fire. It’s hard to focus on anything else because I hurt so much. The light hurts my eyes, noise kills me, and even moving makes me want to pass out from the pain. The headaches are agonizing. I can’t even describe them to you. A woman’s caress can soothe my skin, but the pain never completely goes away, not like it has now.”

He paused and decided to tell her the entire story. “The headaches will only disappear during the act of sex. I have slept with so many women, women I don’t even remember, just to stop being in pain.” He gently stroked her arm with his hand. “Life can be wonderful when you don’t want to rip off your own skin and scream in agony.”

“Do you have a headache now?”

“All my pain is gone by touching you – even just like this,” he said caressing her arm. “I haven’t felt this good since I was about 15 years old or so.”

In a softened voice she asked, “So you compel humans to sleep with you? Or do they volunteer themselves?”

Sterling had never explained the details of his lifestyle to anyone before, not even to his best friend Ben. He found it easy to talk to Kate. He stroked her arm more, enjoying the way her soft skin felt under his fingertips. “The touch must be freely given, so a compelled woman’s touch does nothing. It makes the pain worse.”

Kate hesitated, and then asked in a quiet tone, “Do you pay women?”

“Kate. Stop.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You do pay. Don’t you?”

He didn’t want to answer this question, but wanted her to understand. “I’ll tell you everything. Just don’t hate me because of it.”

“Just always tell me the truth.”

He took a deep breath and let the air out slowly. “Only once. The first time I ever had sex.”

Kate remained quiet for a moment, but it seemed like forever to Sterling. Finally, she broke the silence. “Do you regret your first time?”

Sterling never told the story to anyone. He hated his experience and wished many times he could redo that night. “Yes.”

“Tell me about your first time.” Her hand gently stroked his chest. After a moment of silence, she looked Sterling in the eye and asked again. “Please share the story with me. I’m not judging. I only want to help.”

He knew his eyes returned to their brown hue instead of their intense black. He gazed down at her. Her eyes had shifted back as well to their beautiful bluish gray. “Am I talking to Dr. Kate right now?”

She smiled. “Yes, if it will get you to open up to me.”

“I was fourteen years old,” he confided.

Her jaw dropped, but she didn’t interrupt.

Sterling stared out at the ceiling and mentally traveled back to 166 years ago. “Each year my friends and I would travel to Foiles Beach for the summer. We’d spend a week on the beach. My sensory integration issues started well before my Jahrling Year. My skin would be itchy at times, but I didn’t have a rash back then. I’d often develop headaches, but nothing I couldn’t handle. At first I rarely noticed them. I’d have a headache and just think I had been out in the sun too long. My skin would itch and I figured it was a bug bite, or some other skin irritation.”

“Sure. I probably would think the same thing,” she agreed.

“I was fourteen and it was summer. Me and four of my friends were at the beach. Only one of them was also a vampire. We blended in well since we still ate food. We also enjoyed being in the sun as much as possible because we knew it was only a matter of time before we’d have to avoid it. Anyway, we went for a swim the first day and later that night my skin started itching.”

“Because of saltwater?”

“It was the last time I ever swam in the ocean. When my skin first started reacting, my Aunt Sulie and Grandmother would massage me, so I had already known how soothing a woman’s touch could be. I had been desperate to stop the itching that night. It was late and no one was out anymore. I walked down the beach and discovered a … cathouse. I had money, and I was in agony, so I went in.”

Sterling thought about the tiny shack of a home where the three prostitutes had lived. The place had smelled of liquor and sex. The place had been dusty and unkempt. A woman had greeted him at the door. She had said that for the right price she’d take him upstairs. He could still hear the creaking of the steps as he walked up to the second floor bedroom. He had to hold tightly to the banister railing since he had become dizzy, but touching the railing had aggravated the pain of his skin. He had managed though. He had tripped on the small, tattered rug in the hall and had stumbled into the room. It was a small, dirty room with only a brass bed in the center. The bedding had been filthy and heavily used.

“The prostitute’s name was Michelle. I told her I only wanted her to touch my body – that I didn’t want to have sex.” He thought back to the older prostitute. Her blond hair had been matted and unwashed. Some of her teeth had been missing and her breath had stunk. She had had bruises on her body from dissatisfied customers and her clothes had been stained with God only knew what.

“My headache pounded so badly I could barely walk and she thought I had been drunk. She said she’d give me alcohol if I paid her more, but I said no. I removed my shirt and asked her to touch me. I lay on the filthy bed like a dead body. Her touch made me feel worse, and …” Sterling closed his eyes, “… she touched me all over. I begged her to stop.”

Kate’s eyes widened and she looked over to Sterling. “She didn’t stop?”

His eyes met Kate’s compassionate and understanding eyes. It made telling the story easier for him. “No. Much of what happened next is a blur. But keep in mind I was a fourteen year old boy with hormones. I could hear the other women of the house with their customers through the thin walls. I could hear the noises they made and the rhythmic creaking of bedsprings. Let’s just say, my body responded. Before I realized what had happened, my pants were down and the creaky bed sounds were from the bed I was lying on. The two of us were bread and buttered, the act completed.”

“Bread and buttered?”

It was an older term, one that Sterling now guessed was outdated, but he didn’t know a better way of saying it. He placed his hands together and held them flat. “We were together. She was on top of me … You know, it really doesn’t matter,” he said putting his hands back down, not wanting to go into details.

Kate gently rubbed his chest with her hand as she scooted closer to him. “Did you even know what was happening?”

“All I remember was me begging her to stop. But, I have only myself to blame. I was the one who had walked into a cathouse and had paid for a prostitute. I could have guessed the ending.” He let out a nervous little laugh. “You could say I flopped on my back due to curiosity. It was all new to me. To be honest, I guess I had been curious what sex would be like.”

“Sterling, she took advantage of you,” Kate said sternly. “You were a sick fourteen year old boy in pain that she victimized. She was the adult and you were only a child.”

He sighed heavily. He had never thought about it quite like that before since he had paid the prostitute to touch him. He always assumed responsibility for that night as being what he had deserved for seeking out a whore. “After the act was done, I felt worse. The bedding was like lying on a bed of nails. She told me to leave unless I had more money to spend, but I could barely stand since my headache had transformed into a raging migraine.”

Kate now held Sterling’s hand and gave it a gentle kiss. “What did you do?”

“I stumbled and almost fell down the stairs. She told me not to come back until …” Shame washed over Sterling, but he continued. “Not to come back until I could perform better. So I felt used and then humiliated.” Sterling could still hear the prostitutes laugh in the back of his mind and her crude critique of how bad he had performed sexually.

“The fact that you felt that way afterward should have been a sign to you that what she did wasn’t right. I’m so sorry you went through that.” She leaned in and kissed him on his cheek. A sad smile crossed her face as she looked at him.